Can you co-parent a newborn baby with a lover and live separately?

Zsuzsanna

New member
I live alone in my own property and want to have a baby.
I have a lover who is not a partner nor in defacto relationship, but there is an option to put them on the birth certificate as the other parent.
Is it unrealistic to expect we can live separately whilst co-parenting a new born?
 
In my experience, it is unrealistic to expect you can live separately while co-parenting. Newborns require an incredible amount of time and energy. If you intend to nurse it won't be easy to leave the baby with a different person for a number of months.

Is there some benefit to putting this person on the birth certificate? How much involvement is this person expecting to have with the child?
 
Hmm, thanks so much for your thoughts.
I am just wondering about being able to maintain independence/solo poly/space (without becoming financially entwined, co dependent) but also being able to share co-parenting joys/responsibilities with someone..
Sharing baby without the coupledom (and everything associated), I suppose.
 
Breastfeeding would be damn near impossible-at least for the first 3-6 months while co-parenting separate, because they need to eat every 2-4 hours and if breastfeeding-that requires mom. Period.

BUT-it is absolutely possible to co-parent while living separately if you aren't breastfeeding or after you finish breastfeeding.

Furthermore-there is nothing stopping a lover who lives separately from being there part time to care for the baby. Just not likely to be able to manage equal split if you are breastfeeding. Due to the feeding constraints.

Many courts give parents split time who divorce (and yes, this often happens before the birth of an already conceived child).

With under school age, it's common for them to do a 3 day/4 day split. Meaning, child lives with one parent 3 days one week, 4 days with the other parent, then the following week, 4 days with the first parent and 3 days with the other. This (in my experience as we did it by court order with my stepson) SUCKS if you don't get along.
But-if you get along well and live near each other-that wouldn't be so bad.

We lived separately for a year and a half with 4 kids who went back and forth whenever they wanted to. It was no big deal. We were dating, weren't able to function sharing a home at the time-but were definitely wanting to continue co-parenting and seeing each other.
It was really-not a big deal BECAUSE we worked together and got along. So for example, whoever's home the child was sleeping at, the other one went over to tuck them in at night (we were only 1/2 a mile apart).

Short answer=yes it can be done.
But it requires you to be very well connected in working together and possibly need to be creative.
 
You can absolutely breastfeed and co parent in this way. When you are away from your baby, express milk and someone else can feed that expressed milk to the baby via bottle or cup. True, it's advisable to make sure baby is breastfeeding efficiently before you get bottles involved but cup feeding is a good alternative in the meantime. Plenty of babies are breast and bottle fed from day 1 though and don't have any issues.
 
People raise babies without anyone to help, so it "can" be done... it just depends how determined you are and how much burden you figure you can cope with.

Also, what do you mean by co-parent? As in, split the kid's time? Or one parent has primary care and the other comes over to help out?

My bff's sperm donor for her two youngest is a useless twat. Ok, he's actually considered their father, but he really is a useless twat. When he was living with her, it was more like having an extra child to care for. Now she has full custody, he has visitation rights, but his bachelor pad really isn't child-friendly. They've worked out that it's easier for him to just visit at her place, which gives her a chance to get stuff done while someone else watches the kids, without her actually having to leave them in his care out of her sight.

Auto has a complicated looking arrangement, but it really isn't. Her husband is trans, but they wanted more kids than just her first daughter from a previous relationship. They have a gay friend who also wanted to start a family, but lacked the requisite uterus. So they turkey-basted (literally) two kids. The older lives with Auto and her husband, the younger lives with their biodad, but they each take all three kids for one day a week. That way, all the kids get to be together on weekends, and all the parents get one day free from children. Win-win-win. Well, the 15 year old may not think so anymore, because toddlers are totally, like, so annoying...

Gralson also attempted to co-parent his daughter, but her mother was ...unpleasant... so he didn't get much time with her, and zero say in what happened in her life. He did, however, get the privilege of monthly support payments. I don't recommend this arrangement. They now have a tenuous relationship. He's convinced that she hates him, I chalk it up to her being 20 and just wanting to explore life on her own.
 
I live alone in my own property and want to have a baby.
I have a lover who is not a partner nor in defacto relationship, but there is an option to put them on the birth certificate as the other parent.
Is it unrealistic to expect we can live separately whilst co-parenting a new born?

Of course you can. But are you sure you won't resent your other partner for not being there for you enough? And are you sure you can care for a newborn alone, without neglecting the child? You have to put the child's needs first.
 
It really does take a village.

Plan it out.

When are you going back to paid work outside the home?

Who will come and hold the baby every night because she hasnt let you put her down all day and youre still in your nightgown, no shower and have barely eaten? This "dont put me down" need can happen at any age, newborn, teething time, when she has a cold, etc.

Do you have other relatives or friends or paid babysitters or daycare of some kind to fill in when your sperm donor isnt around?

As above, do you plan to breastfeed (at least a year of breastfeeding is every baby's birthright)? Pumping and giving the milk to your co-parent or other caregiver to feed to baby is HARD WORK, but doable. So, if bio-dad wants overnights with the baby before one year, know you are taking on a challenge. And many breastfed babies need/want more than one year of snuggly nighttime breastfeedings.

How involved in parenting does your lover want to be? Would there be an option to live together for a while, or at least do lots of overnights in the early months?
 
You know, lots of the things people are saying will make this hard are performed by thousands of women who have children in a limited support network. The fact that she will have a co-parent at all would be considered a bonus by the many women who have a partner who is the biological father of the child but doesn't co parent.
 
I imagine if you planned on bfing them for.the first year at least the baby would need to live with mom. Maybt if mom works dad could have an opposite schedule so he could be the caregiver.

Lots of women are single mothers and coparent with their ex so its possible. Living apart isn't ideal but for moat its not a choice.
 
You can absolutely breastfeed and co parent in this way. When you are away from your baby, express milk and someone else can feed that expressed milk to the baby via bottle or cup. True, it's advisable to make sure baby is breastfeeding efficiently before you get bottles involved but cup feeding is a good alternative in the meantime. Plenty of babies are breast and bottle fed from day 1 though and don't have any issues.

As someone who works and breastfeeds there is no way I'd be willing to allow someone else take my baby outside of the time I absolutely HAVE to be away from them. Exclusively pumping is rarely ever successful and I would not jeopardize my supply for.my baby to gone any more than what is absolutely.necessary. just pumping for the time I was at work was hard enough and required the use of donor milk. Also the more baby is bottlefed the more likely they ate to reject the breast altogether.
 
As a Midwife, I'm saying that many mothers don't view the child's other biological parent as "someone else" for one. They realise that both that parent and the child have as much right to an uncomplicated relationship with each other as the mother does with the child.

Secondly, nobody mentioned exclusive pumping, what I did mention is expressing milk for when you're away from the baby. Something that many mothers achieve with ease. I also mentioned that it is advisable to ensure the baby is breastfeeding efficiently before you introduce bottles. Many, many babies are mix fed from the start though and don't have the latch problems that research says they will.
 
As someone who works and breastfeeds there is no way I'd be willing to allow someone else take my baby outside of the time I absolutely HAVE to be away from them. Exclusively pumping is rarely ever successful and I would not jeopardize my supply for.my baby to gone any more than what is absolutely.necessary. just pumping for the time I was at work was hard enough and required the use of donor milk. Also the more baby is bottlefed the more likely they ate to reject the breast altogether.

Ditto on that.
Currently my daughter is working 2 days a week for a few hours and pumping to fill that gap.
It's been a fiasco.
It's not JUST the issue of losing milk-but also with new babies, flipping between bottle and breast can be confusing.

BUT-the hard part is actually for those of us who are caregivers while she's at work. The baby (who is now 5 months) becomes VERY emotional and upset when its feeding time. He can and will take the bottle. But it isn't giving him all of what he needs (which is his mommy time). So he isn't calmed. A baby who is otherwise happy and fun-is miserable until mommy feeds him. Once he has his breast time-he's back to normal.
But that can be hell on shifts she works 8 hours. Absolutely HELL for him and the caregiver.

Which is NOT to say one can't co-parent. It is to say-be aware-that in prioritizing babies needs, you will need to pay attention to the babies personality.

Our daughter was exclusively breastfed for a year. She couldn't wait to get AWAY from me. As soon as she was done eating-she wanted her daddy and NO ONE ELSE would do. She would scream for hours if he was unavailable.
But, if he was here, I would feed her, and then he would burp her and she was happy as a lark. I can't imagine trying to get through those nighttime feedings without him lol! She was just so determined that after she ate it was HER time with daddy.
 
Would it be an option to have the other parent live / stay with you for a few months while things get stable, and then move out when the child is old enough to no longer need 60/60/24/7 attention?

Just because there are plenty of single parents out there finding a way to make it work without support, I doubt any of them would recommend it as a first choice, or do it the same way if they had it to do over. And there is no way those kids are getting the best possible care. They're doing their best, but being awake for 72 hours straight with a screaming baby and no relief makes it absolutely impossible for anyone to be at the top of their game.

When you have no choice but to make it work, you make it work. But when you're sitting there contemplating the possibility of single parenthood and you're not even pregnant yet, I doubt many single parents would encourage it. It's nothing against the parents, but one person doing a job that's meant to be done by an entire family is just not what's best for the kids. So why put yourself in that position if it's not necessary?
 
The thing is Schroeding-
that just because you have different homes doesn't mean you can't be a family.

Using the 72 hour thing as an example.

If you live within walking distance of each other (lets say 1 mile, based upon a 15 min/mile walk); and you were both completely devoted to the co-parenting process;
child is up, it's been sick all day, you've taken turns through the day, but it's midnight and been your "turn" since... lets say 6pm and you NEED a break.
There's nothing stopping a phone call to other parent and saying "hey-need a break, can you come sit with baby for the next few hours so I can get a few zz's at your place?"
A quick walk over-places switched.
No need to be up 72 hours.

When Maca and I lived apart-it actually ran SO MUCH smoother. Because when we are all in the same house-it really doesn't matter whose "on duty" because EVERYONE is present so everyone is on duty as far as the kids are concerned.
It was actually the moment when we realized-we would all be happier if we buy property and build three houses-maybe 50 yards apart from each other, around a central building with kitchen/socializing space. We would all still be easy access for the kids-but we would also all be able to step away and have some private time to recharge.

BUT-it DOES require creativity and both parties (or how ever many parties) to be fully committed. If one is not so much-the other will get the harder end of the bargain.
 
The thing is Schroeding-
that just because you have different homes doesn't mean you can't be a family.

Oh, absolutely.

Sorry, I probably wasn't clear. My comment was more that a co-parent is much more than a "bonus." Wasn't in regards to anything you or the OP said... Just didn't feel like quoting.

It was actually the moment when we realized-we would all be happier if we buy property and build three houses-maybe 50 yards apart from each other, around a central building with kitchen/socializing space.

hehe... if you did that here, I would include underground tunnels. Walking outside to get a bite to eat at -40 is... unpleasant.
 
lol, here too. I don't want to do that here.
TOO COLD.
Goal is to move somewhere warm first. ;)

I totally hear you. Walking to the mail box on some days is like "yeah-um no. I just don't care enough about what might be out there to go OUTSIDE in this weather!"

LOL!
 
And thereis no way those kids are getting the best possible care

I'm sorry. Bullshit. Single parent, for one, does not mean "no support network". I've noticed an ignorance about single parents on here before. But, yeah, bullshit. What you just said suggests that no single parent Is able to give a child the care that a co parent could. Every single child that comes from a single parent family has had worse care than their counterparts with parents still together.
 
Would it be an option to have the other parent live / stay with you for a few months while things get stable, and then move out when the child is old enough to no longer need 60/60/24/7 attention?

Just because there are plenty of single parents out there finding a way to make it work without support, I doubt any of them would recommend it as a first choice, or do it the same way if they had it to do over. And there is no way those kids are getting the best possible care. They're doing their best, but being awake for 72 hours straight with a screaming baby and no relief makes it absolutely impossible for anyone to be at the top of their game.

Yes and yes I would and frankly the rest of that is so offensive and hurtful to me I can't even.......

I am a single mother by choice btw. I have never been awake for 72 hours (perhaps I don't have the demon baby gene but neither of my daughters have done that) and I am pretty certain that if you asked my sister who did have the demon baby, she would say the same thing.

Having done both situations, this time around hasn't been greatly different with regards to stress levels. Practically the hardest thing is finding time to have a bath, but half the time she is sleeping and if I can't wait until she is sleeping I just bring her into the bathroom and she is as happy as a clam (she likes to see me).

So, that is where I am going now, to take my inadequate, not at the top of my game, single parent ass to the bath, with my obviously badly cared for daughter, thanks a bunch.
 
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