Moving....literally...forward??!!

I think some of it is that one of my concerns in being poly is not having the amount and type of time I'd like with our guy. I've been living on my own for about 8 years now, so I feel particularly "needy" in terms of wanting attention, affection, sex, touch, companionship, etc. I'm not sure I'd want to ever have another guy in addition to our guy. I might be a "mono" with a "poly". Who knows???? I try to be open while remaining true to myself. I just not always sure who my "self" is! ;)

It's like green eggs and ham, you won't really know until you try it. With any LDR you're not going to get as much time together as you want, but with a local poly relationship, it generally isn't much more of a problem than any other local relationship where people have stuff going on in their lives, be it work, hobbies, etc, and people can spend time with both/all partners at once.

And don't rule out the possibility of more love coming into your life! There was a time when I was really anxious about the idea of adding anyone new, I thought I'd be settling, I was sure any other guy would turn out to be a cowboy...then I met a cute guy in an awesome poly family who rode a motorcycle, and that went really well, but I still was apprehensive about getting involved with anyone else....then I met this really cute guy at church who is awesome in totally different ways, and I don't know how it's going to work out yet, but I'm really hoping to have some kind of relationship with him- which was totally not what I was looking for at all when I started going to church! Point being that it's impossible to predict when you're going to meet someone new & fall into NRE all over again.
 
And don't rule out the possibility of more love coming into your life! There was a time when I was really anxious about the idea of adding anyone new, I thought I'd be settling, I was sure any other guy would turn out to be a cowboy...then I met a cute guy in an awesome poly family who rode a motorcycle, and that went really well,

Oooooooo.....let's hear it for cute guys on motorcycles! :D Thanks for your encouragement and support StitchwitchD.
 
T
I tend to think my couple should take the lead in how to "do" this "poly stuff", since they're the ones who introduced me to it and both of them were wanting a poly relationship. They've been together for about 2 years,
**************************** AND *********************
I think some of it is that one of my concerns in being poly is not having the amount and type of time I'd like with our guy. I've been living on my own for about 8 years now, so I feel particularly "needy" in terms of wanting attention, affection, sex, touch, companionship, etc. I'm not sure I'd want to ever have another guy in addition to our guy. I might be a "mono" with a "poly". Who knows???? I try to be open while remaining true to myself. I'm just not always sure who my "self" is! ;)

Yea Dragon, I understand.

Reality is though, that nobody in this situation is "leading" - it's a joint exploration. Yea, 2 years for some may seem like an eternity but I suspect that many, many people even on this forum will echo that 2 years isn't even getting your feet wet ! You're all still learning and exploring together. Make allowance for that and don't hesitate to take a lead in areas you feel secure and knowledgeable about. You each will have unique perspectives and unique concerns and weaknesses. Play as a team - help each other out but each have their own specialties - if that makes sense.

Time/neediness..............

Yea - we got a couple threads running here already on time concerns. Yourself, currently being solo, are naturally likely to have more time you are going to want to invest in this. It may not be viable for everyone. Get used to this aspect ! Until you have had MUCH more time to integrate each other into the other's daily lives this can generate more conflict than it deserves. Be patient, be creative and work for closeness and integration. If you can move that forward some of the time constraints will disappear of their own accord. Until that happens try to be patient. It's hard-yes-I know. But being unreasonable and demanding will only create conflict.

Keep going............

GS
 
Time/neediness..............

Yea - we got a couple threads running here already on time concerns. Yourself, currently being solo, are naturally likely to have more time you are going to want to invest in this. It may not be viable for everyone. Get used to this aspect ! Until you have had MUCH more time to integrate each other into the other's daily lives this can generate more conflict than it deserves. Be patient, be creative and work for closeness and integration. If you can move that forward some of the time constraints will disappear of their own accord. Until that happens try to be patient. It's hard-yes-I know. But being unreasonable and demanding will only create conflict.
Keep going............

GS

Well luckily I don't see myself as an unreasonable or demanding person. In fact, I'm more likely to go the other way....think more of others wants and needs and not speak up and ask for what I want/need. I don't want to be at that end of the continuum either as that's not healthy. So, I'm struggling a bit to try and find what is "reasonable" to want or expect, particularly in a poly relationship where time constraints are very real and can get even more complicated with mutiple people's schedules, demands, wants, etc. That's why there's still some question in my mind about whether poly and I are a good fit, particularly if I were to remain mono within the poly relationship. But since I really like and love my couple I'm willing to move closer and see if that helps. I just know that without them in my life there'd be a big empty place in my heart.
 
I'll be moving near my couple in 4 days. Actually as it turns out I'll be moving into their spare bedroom until I can find a place of my own to rent (should be no longer than a month). I was going to try and rent a place from looking at them online, but then decided that was a bit risky not seeing a place in real life. While I live with them I'll be commuting a little over an hour each morning and evening.

So our guy and I are talking on the phone last night. Let's see....he's on-call for his job Monday and Friday nights. They go to choir on Tuesday nights. They're taking dance lessons on Wednesday nights. They have a SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism) group of friends who come over to their home to work on drawing/writing scripts every Thursday evening. Oh....and by the way....he's working a night shift at a hospital where he used to work for this coming Saturday (my first Sat. with them) because "they were desperate and really needed" him.

They knew I was moving down near them over a month ago. The dance lessons and choir were recently added. As was his new job with on-call (which he obviously doesn't have a say in.) He told me when I took the new job that due to the distance we probably wouldn't be able to see each other much on weekdays when I get moved to a place closer to my work. Let's see...that leaves Sat. nights...unless he picks up a midnight hospital shift. And I'm certain that he's not going to want to spend every Saturday with me even if he was available.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm pissed!! I had told them I didn't want to be in a secondary role in this poly relationship. Heck....I'm beginning to feel like I'll be lucky to be a FWB.:(:mad: And no I haven't told him yet. We had a very poor phone connection last night and I didn't want to get into a sensitive subject only to hear half a conversation or be cut off periodically with a dead phone line. Besides....how many times do I have to express what I want? And....I would have hoped he would have been eager to spend time with me. I don't know whether to cry or throw-up.
 
To put a bit of positive perspective in this, it doesn't sound like they are relegating you to secondary, it sounds like they are putting you in their life. Once NRE is over and life, as a couple or more begins, this is normal. Work, play, hobbies and life.

Welcome to a relationship :)
 
To put a bit of positive perspective in this, it doesn't sound like they are relegating you to secondary, it sounds like they are putting you in their life. Once NRE is over and life, as a couple or more begins, this is normal. Work, play, hobbies and life.

Welcome to a relationship :)

And just where is it that you see them putting me into their life other than staying in their spare bedroom until I find a place to rent???? I'm not seeing where there's much time to develop a relationship between he and I. The only "NRE" we've had from my point of view was spending two nights together. One of them was because she was working a midnight shift. He called her at work to tell her "goodnight" as we were settling down to go to sleep, which I thought was really sweet. I wasn't jealous at all. The other was when we all were on a camping trip together. He and I slept together one night on that trip. They slept together 5 nights. We talk on the phone once...maybe twice at most....a week. He doesn't like emailing and doesn't correspond with me in any other way during the week. They have couples time. When will we???? Ours is a fairly new relationship. That's secondary or less in my book.
 
Last edited:
Sorry, just trying to see things positively. That would be a big step for me and mine if it was possible.

<<hugs>> to you. I hope you get what you want from it.
 
Maybe if I was going to live with them on an ongoing basis it would seem like a positive step. Being able to be with them throughout the daily and weekly routine might not make specific "couples time" seem like such a big deal. Time together would just happen as a part of the routine of making meals together, sleeping together on some nights, going to choir with them, etc.

To think that I can remember the time when I first heard about poly from him that the idea of us all living together was a big "NO WAY" on my part. :rolleyes: (Although that's what they said they eventually hoped for with the right combination of people and housing situation.)
 
Last edited:
Actually I am seeing your situation as a good thing... now near with me as I am sure that my opinion isn't helping at this point ;) but really, it means that they keep their connection while you are there. If you stay there then I would think that it would mean too much too fast. At least the fact that they are busy would mean that you can establish yourself and find a place. I think you need to get out and find yourself a place, your own things to do and your own friends. Their busy life right now means that you will be able to. I think that is awesome. I think that they are making sure that you are taken care of in that way and that is respectful.

Okay, if this continued after you have found your own place, friends etc. then it would be time to negotiate some time balance. Give it some time though and get yourself set up. Just because you are there for a month, doesn't mean that you should be acting like you will be there forever. It's too early for that.

Still, I get that it looks discouraging at the moment. I hope that when you are established with your own place that things look better. It would be helpful to talk with them when you have signed a lease and are ready to move out about creating some time and a schedule. It will come... and it will be a process.
 
Thanks RP. I agree that if I were to stay it would be too much, too fast. The thought of living with them on a full time basis as being a "positive step" was more in response to Ariakis' comment about not seeing me in a "secondary" position at this time, but as them "fitting me into their lives" right now. And I don't see it that way. I don't see that they're fitting me in now.

One of my biggest concerns in considering a poly lifestyle was not being able to have the time and attention I'd like with the one I love. And right now that fear is looking me straight in the face. I don't necessarily see myself as taking on an additional partner/lover. I'd most likely be "mono" within the overall poly relationship.

I've been married two times. My former husbands were always my best friend and we enjoyed doing things together, although we had some separate interests and friends. I've struggled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at various times in my life and don't have a lot of extra energy reserve when I have down time. I have to choose carefully when it comes to how much I can involve myself with other people and activities outside of work.

I don't know......poly may not be for me. I may be too selfish and needy. The relationship dynamics in terms of what to reasonably expect are so confusing for me. I just know that I don't want to be in a "secondary" relationship position, and he has said in the past that it's not his desire or intent for me to be in a secondary position either.
 
Last edited:
D I can totally imagine what that fear would be like. I feel for you, I really do. Very scary. Crossing my fingers for you that this will work out.
 
Well my schedule for moving has been changed a bit. Things were getting too hectic for me in terms of packing and managing everything else I needed to take care of. I didn't know how I was going to get it all done in time. As I shared... with a history of Chronic Fatigue I have to pace myself. Then the moving company called and asked if it was possible to change my move date to 5 days later than planned. With the help of some good friends and a bit of rearranging of my schedule I was able to make it all work!

So, I call our guy up last night to tell him about the changes. This will mean that I get to their place this coming Saturday evening instead of this Thursday evening. He said he was disappointed. I asked why? He said because he'd be working all night Saturday (which I already knew because he had told me that before). It was nice to hear he cared enough to be disappointed. But, I was kind of surprised since they were going to be busy with several people over to their house for their SCA group when I was originally scheduled to arrive Thursday night anyhow. And he'd have to work the next day.

He hasn't always wanted to sleep with me when he has to go to work the next day because he doesn't sleep well when he's in a different bed. And the 3 of us have an agreement that he and I don't sleep together or have sex in their bed. Plus he's made comments to the effect that "You know if we sleep together, we won't be sleeping much." (I guess the temptation to do things other than sleep must sometimes be too strong for him!? I can be quite content to cuddle and sleep. It's not like I "demand" sex every time we're in bed together, although I sure don't turn it down when suggested! ;))

This is indeed a work in progress....a process.
 
I successfully moved to the area where my couple lives and have been staying in the spare bedroom in their house. Overall, things have been going pretty good! We've had some misunderstandings in terms of balancing out time and attention, but have been able to work through them so far. Our guy basically sleeps with each of us every other night. I sometimes get a few nights in a row as she works a couple of nights a week. They do some activities together that don't involve me. (For example, they're at choir practice tonight.) But it's fine with me because I'm beat getting up at 5:30 am and commuting an hour and a half to work. Also, he and I will often go out to dinner when she's working her night shift.

I haven't felt much jealousy seeing the two of them kiss and hug. It doesn't bother me to think about them sleeping and having sex together. In fact when I go into their bedroom (only by invitation) to kiss him good-bye in the morning, she and I wish each other a good day. I wondered if it would bother me when it was actually happening in the same household. The main thing that upsets me is when I don't feel like I'm getting enough time with our guy. We do some "family" events together and even include her mother at times! When it comes to riding in the car all together, she and I informally take turns riding in the front seat next to him.

We're open with our relationship in terms of people coming into their home. We don't flaunt it, but don't hold back on kissing each other when we get home from work or holding hands if we feel like it. I also found out he has ADHD which helps explain some of his lack of focus and his forgetfulness particularly when he's feeling tired and overwhelmed from his job.

He's gotten fresh flower arrangements for each of us each week!! They're different to match our differing personalities. He's been far more attentive since I moved here. He will often call and leave me a voicemail during the work day "just because". (The voice mail is often him singing a cute little song he's made up for me on the spur of the moment...awwwww.)

We've discussed what my role is with her 8 year old son in terms of supervision and/or "discipline". I didn't want to over step my bounds, but want to help however I can. Basically if I see her son doing something I am pretty certain his mom and our guy wouldn't approve of I'll say something like "Is that something your mom and _____ (our guy) would approve of?" Usually he'll say "No". If he pushes it, I then suggest we talk with them about it when they're available. He typically toes the line at that point in time! LOL

Some changes will be happening in a few weeks as I move into my own place. It's near where I work. Since it's over an hour from their place it won't be very convenient to see one another throughout the week. I admit to having some concerns about it because I've come to LOVE the day to day time we've been able to spend together as a couple and as a family....as well as the nights he and I spend together! ;) Guess we'll just take it as it comes.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top