XYZ,
If you hadn't yet, you may want to create a thread of your own. Not a requirement, just a thought.
Generally the mono\poly relationships that are healthy, the mono partner desires to be monogamous because it suits them, not because the other partner wants them to be monogamous. They accept their partner's desire to be poly and have other relationships without wanting other partners for themselves. And sometimes this can change over time.
It is also common for poly partners with mono partners who express a desire to explore poly for themselves to become insecure, to have feelings around that they have to work though. It is a double standard to expect the previously mono partner not to explore poly if they want to, or demand they be mono. Often what happens is that the poly partner gets freaked out by the mono partner's explorations - maybe they find someone to date - and then demands that both of them become monogamous again. People can work through this and end up in the relationship style that suits them. But it will take a willingness to deal with discomfort, pain, jealously, and so on.
Polyamory is just the desire to have multiple relationships. It doesn't automatically have anything to do with group sex or watching others have sex. Personally, any time where I would be expected to allow a spouse of a partner to either join or watch me have sex with their partner, would be a deal breaker. I'm not interested. I would never impose that condition on someone else. I realize it's common in swinging to not do things separately, or mostly have couple based interactions with other people. But poly allows for a huge range of relationship interactions. You can ask your partner to only have sex with other people if you are there or if you can watch or join in. But she has the right to say no to that. And the people she has sex with have the right to not be interested in having you join or watch ever too.
Ask yourself why you want so badly to either be there and watch or be involved? Do you feel safer? Less insecure? Feel like you can control things? What are you getting out of that scenario? If you want that because it helps you deal with emotions of your own, rethink it. Rules that control someone else's actions in order to manage your own emotions are first, ineffective, and second, very unfair to everyone involved. In the long run, it is impossible to expect other people to manage your emotions for you. It's something you are going to have to do on your own. It's best to learn how to do that now, rather than be forced to later on.
Thank you for this. And yes I probably should have started a new thread, my apologies if this constitutes hijacking a thread I am somewhat new to forums like this.
That dynamic of the poly partner reacting negatively to any hint of the mono partner possibly wanting to try poly for themselves...thats the crux of this for me and my current experience. I quite honestly am not super motivated to go out and deal with the logistics of adding someone else, either for just sex or for a full on lover relationship. However if I where to ever stumble into it by randomly meeting the right person then I could see myself wanting to try it...but its the shock/double standard dynamic of that mere possibility, that I feel from my already poly girlfriend that I feel anxiety around.
I completely understand that most versions of poly do not include group sex. And having "been there done that" in many ways as a former swinger, its not that I want or need to have that experience. I don't need to have a 3some with her and her new lover....and I don't need to be there and watch. Its not a fear loosing her or a need to want to control things. Its perhaps I guess a form of a fear of missing out? missing the sharing of the experience. But first and foremost it really feels like its my reaction to discovering that I am actively not invited. Like if she had him over and I was home....I would not default to "pulling up a chair" and watching....but its the knowledge that in that particular scenario...the door would quite literally be closed and while everyone knows whats going on...I am excluded in a similar sense as I would be if I was merely just the roommate/friend and not her nesting lover. Whereas I would assume with everyone being aware and open and consenting etc that there would be no "hiding" of intimate things (not just sex but other common things like cuddling and kissing and calling each other babe etc) and that sure they would eventually go to the bedroom to make love and no one would be assuming I would be sitting at the foot of the bed or anything.. but that if I strolled by on the way to grab a snack and caught a glimpse of the fun and smiled and waved that would be perfectly normal to me. And I guess I'm just trying to understand why that shocks both of them so much (especially as they have both had prior group sex/swinging experiences...with different partners in the past and are open to that in the future)