I'm relatively new to the concepts of polyamory & didn't totally realize fully what is was. I guess I mostly thought it was people who were in unhappy marriages looking for more (which sometimes it is), although not in this case…this guy loves his wife & child a lot. I'm reading Sex at Dawn & am going to start the Ethical Slut (I think the Ethical Lover would be a better title). Apparently Im one which makes a lot of sense now...plus I'm doing as much research as I can (I'm getting a grad degree in Psych). I have always questioned the pitfalls of monogamy, even more so after 2 failed marriages & many failed relationships.
I was in an open marriage a long time ago but we really didn't handle it the right way & it ended badly (I had a lover that he knew about, he didn't have one & got very jealous). Anyway, I recently got into a relationship with a lovely man who's wife is totally ok with his wanting an exclusive GF. They decided this was ok prior to getting married. She does not want to have another lover but is ok with him having one. She is even willing to meet me but I’m worried about this for several reasons. I’ve always had guy friends & their GFs often got jealous even though I never flirted with them & would never violate the bounds of someone else’s relationship. I think I’ll just have to assume she’s as great as she seems & eventually meet her one day. I am honestly so grateful to her for giving me the gift of allowing her husband to be my friend/lover. He is literally the most amazing person I have ever met.
As for my new lover, we met online randomly even though I was looking for a more "conventional" type of boyfriend...or at least a FWB who wouldn't get too attached. I just got out of a very unhappy marriage where I got dumped with 2 very little kids. Then I got involved with a man who I thought would just be a FWB but he got possessive & jealous & started talking about love way too fast. I'm not really ready for a full-on relationship because I’m working on some issues from my past & need to focus on myself. That being said....
I feel like me & my new "friend" are star-crossed lovers. We made love (a term which I deplored until now) for hours the 1st time we met (we had talked & emailed a lot) & it was possibly the most amazing sex I have ever had…at least very close. I literally have never had sex on the 1st date (other than a few 1 nighters in my teens/20s) nor have I ever orgasmed the 1st time having sex with anyone ever. I feel like my previously closed off heart has been opened up. I have been laughing & crying very hard lately….it’s like all the emotions I had bottled up are coming out & I attribute this, at least in part, to my open relationship with him. We have a level of openness & honesty that I rarely, if ever, have experienced with another person even though I am a very open & honest person. Men tend to fall in love with me hard & fast (although I don't with them). We're already telling each other we love the other even though I normally don't bring up love so quickly. I told him before we ever got intimate that I will dump him if he ever mentions leaving his wife & that we cannot ever deceive her in anyway. He swears he will not & I know it's true. I won't ever be that kind of “other woman”. That being said, I'm worried that my needs will not be met. He lives over an hour away & we can probably see each other 1-2 times/week max which isn't nearly enough for me (sexually & otherwise). We do talk on the phone daily, plus texting, IMing, etc. & I can probably visit them other times. Part of me knows the distance & his marriage is a good thing for now b/c I don’t need to totally lose myself in relationship until I work out some issues.
So mostly everything is great with this relationship…well except this…I feel like the couple in a V gets to set all/most of the rules & I have to abide by them. I know part of this is because a marriage breaking up (esp when kids are involved) is a bigger consequence than 2 lovers breaking up. Maybe I'll learn more as a I read & do research. Another couple propositioned me for a 3-some recently & although I want to be with other women & would like to experience a 3some I don't want to be with another man right now...the husband has to have intercourse with the "girlfriend" & that's off-limits for me now because I want to be exclusive even though I want more sex. So again, the (3-some) couple wanted to set the rules. So I’d love to understand why the married couple seems to get to set the rules. Is this really the case? Am I missing something? It kinda seems unfair to the secondary. Again, I’m relatively new to all this & am just trying to get my head around it. I don’t need to control everything about this situation but I have needs/wants/desires that are just as valid as everyone else’s, right?
I know I will be friends with this man even when we can no longer be lovers. I hope to get into a committed relationship one day & have no idea if my partner will accept this kind of love. He’ll at least have to accept my friendship with this guy. The thought of losing his friendship is unbearable even though I know we will probably have to part as lovers one day.
I’d appreciate any positive feedback other members here have.
I was in an open marriage a long time ago but we really didn't handle it the right way & it ended badly (I had a lover that he knew about, he didn't have one & got very jealous). Anyway, I recently got into a relationship with a lovely man who's wife is totally ok with his wanting an exclusive GF. They decided this was ok prior to getting married. She does not want to have another lover but is ok with him having one. She is even willing to meet me but I’m worried about this for several reasons. I’ve always had guy friends & their GFs often got jealous even though I never flirted with them & would never violate the bounds of someone else’s relationship. I think I’ll just have to assume she’s as great as she seems & eventually meet her one day. I am honestly so grateful to her for giving me the gift of allowing her husband to be my friend/lover. He is literally the most amazing person I have ever met.
As for my new lover, we met online randomly even though I was looking for a more "conventional" type of boyfriend...or at least a FWB who wouldn't get too attached. I just got out of a very unhappy marriage where I got dumped with 2 very little kids. Then I got involved with a man who I thought would just be a FWB but he got possessive & jealous & started talking about love way too fast. I'm not really ready for a full-on relationship because I’m working on some issues from my past & need to focus on myself. That being said....
I feel like me & my new "friend" are star-crossed lovers. We made love (a term which I deplored until now) for hours the 1st time we met (we had talked & emailed a lot) & it was possibly the most amazing sex I have ever had…at least very close. I literally have never had sex on the 1st date (other than a few 1 nighters in my teens/20s) nor have I ever orgasmed the 1st time having sex with anyone ever. I feel like my previously closed off heart has been opened up. I have been laughing & crying very hard lately….it’s like all the emotions I had bottled up are coming out & I attribute this, at least in part, to my open relationship with him. We have a level of openness & honesty that I rarely, if ever, have experienced with another person even though I am a very open & honest person. Men tend to fall in love with me hard & fast (although I don't with them). We're already telling each other we love the other even though I normally don't bring up love so quickly. I told him before we ever got intimate that I will dump him if he ever mentions leaving his wife & that we cannot ever deceive her in anyway. He swears he will not & I know it's true. I won't ever be that kind of “other woman”. That being said, I'm worried that my needs will not be met. He lives over an hour away & we can probably see each other 1-2 times/week max which isn't nearly enough for me (sexually & otherwise). We do talk on the phone daily, plus texting, IMing, etc. & I can probably visit them other times. Part of me knows the distance & his marriage is a good thing for now b/c I don’t need to totally lose myself in relationship until I work out some issues.
So mostly everything is great with this relationship…well except this…I feel like the couple in a V gets to set all/most of the rules & I have to abide by them. I know part of this is because a marriage breaking up (esp when kids are involved) is a bigger consequence than 2 lovers breaking up. Maybe I'll learn more as a I read & do research. Another couple propositioned me for a 3-some recently & although I want to be with other women & would like to experience a 3some I don't want to be with another man right now...the husband has to have intercourse with the "girlfriend" & that's off-limits for me now because I want to be exclusive even though I want more sex. So again, the (3-some) couple wanted to set the rules. So I’d love to understand why the married couple seems to get to set the rules. Is this really the case? Am I missing something? It kinda seems unfair to the secondary. Again, I’m relatively new to all this & am just trying to get my head around it. I don’t need to control everything about this situation but I have needs/wants/desires that are just as valid as everyone else’s, right?
I know I will be friends with this man even when we can no longer be lovers. I hope to get into a committed relationship one day & have no idea if my partner will accept this kind of love. He’ll at least have to accept my friendship with this guy. The thought of losing his friendship is unbearable even though I know we will probably have to part as lovers one day.
I’d appreciate any positive feedback other members here have.
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