An interesting situation

foxflame88

New member
So I recently started a new relationship with a married poly man. His wife is not poly and doesn't understand his being so. She still has the "why am I not enough" mindset. She knows he has met someone else (me) but we have not met. I know he loves her greatly, and ideally he wants her to be able to accept his being poly. He does not want a divorce, but knows it will happen if she can't accept his being poly. He asked me last night if I would be willing to meet her and talk to her, of course if she was also willing. He thinks maybe a woman's perspective may help her understand better his poly nature, and to be more comfortable with it. I'm not sure what to do.
 
I think it is good for metamores to meet and be on basic speaking terms to help work out issues from scheduling to planning things like birthdays. If she talks to you, it may seem more real to her. Maybe she will no longer see you as much of a threat. If you show that you value his relationship with her, it may put her mind at ease.

But you know the situation better than I do. Do you think it will go badly?
 
I'm not sure what to expect... I actually WANT to meet her, and he tells me I will love her when I get to know her. My concern/fear is that she will decide she cannot accept his poly nature and choose to leave the marriage, whether or not she and I get along.

While he and I both prefer all parties involved to be poly, I chose to get involved fully knowing that his wife is still on the fence, and most likely going to be mono to him. I am ok with that. He loves her, and I know he'll be hurt if she chooses to leave.
 
Go for it

If you want to meet your paramor's wife, then by all means go. At the moment you are just a image in her mind that she is trying to cope with. By coming to see you you will (at the very least) show that you are willing to face her and give her the chance to address her feelings and concerns to you.

As far as your fears of her possibly leaving her husband, try not to let them overwhelm you. Its, easy to try and place blame on oneself for the pain in the lives of our loved ones, however this is a matter that is more specific to the relationship that he and his wife share. Should the worst occur and she leave the most you should dare accept blame for is loving him, and being wanting and willing to work the matter out with her. Some could very well argue that it IS your fault for stealing his affections. The problem is that the heart is something that has little to any direction in how and whom it chooses to love.

To deny our emotions and our nature to deny the fundamentals of who we are. And in denying it we inevitably set ourselves up for personal disapointment and pain in our lives.

Well, I am rambling. Good luck to you hun and best wishes. If she opens the door for you to come talk I am certain you will be ready and willing to go. Take care.
 
Its, easy to try and place blame on oneself for the pain in the lives of our loved ones, however this is a matter that is more specific to the relationship that he and his wife share. Should the worst occur and she leave the most you should dare accept blame for is loving him, and being wanting and willing to work the matter out with her. Some could very well argue that it IS your fault for stealing his affections.

I am not fearful that she will choose to leave because of ME per se... she knew of his polyamorous nature before I was in the picture. But because I am the first tangible evidence she can "see" that makes it REAL, I worry that she won't give me a fair shot, even if she agrees to meet me. Does that make any sense?
 
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Understanding

It does make sense. You are.. the first. The begining. And I guess there is that sense of pressure in being the capstone for all that is to follow.. good AND bad.

So your fear of her chosing to leave is natural. And quite frankly, your fear is a part of this new word I kept seeing on here. Compersion? You take full joy and satisfaction from the love and joy that your loved one has in his marriage. And you love him deeply and you WANT for this to continue for him.

That his marriage is at risk, you FEAR the hurt and possible pain that would be a by product of this break up. (should it occur) Becuase any possible pain that he may feel, so will you by way of this compersion this loving empathic sympathy. I do so hope I am making sense. :eek:

However! I am not the only one here? Mono? I do so not mean to be calling you out but, am I getting the explanation right?

I will keep you in my prayers Alli. And I am hoping the best for you and your loves.
 
Aaaand...

I do pray wholeheartily that she DOES give you a fair chance. That she IS willing to try and get to know you and come to judge you for the person that you ARE, and ACCEPTS you. And does not rely on some false images in her head. Just because she knew about his nature does not mean that she fully understands or supports it. Time will have to be a factor. I wish you well hun.
 
You have to believe that if she does decide to leave him it will not be about you. It will be her inability to cope with loving a polyamorous person. Trust me, if she is wired the same way I am she is not taking this lightly and is definitely struggling especially at first...by not running already she has shown great strength, just as he has shown great strength in risking losing her by following his nature. It doesn't mean she doesn't love him, it just means the pain/pleasure balance is too tilted to the pain side. There is no fault in this when two totally different natures emerge...it simply is nature.

Compersion is wonderful. I have complete compersion for what Redpepper and her husband have. I am a huge advocate of long term partners getting to know each other and become comfortable that everyone is secure. Honestly, I will be extremely challenged by the introduction of another man into her life and only at that time will be able to assess my own pleasure/pain balance. I have gone down the road of guessing and it completely takes away from the present.

Nature take us along paths chosen from deep inside us…We're all only human...there is nothing unnatural in responding to how our nature dictates.

Nothing that happens will truly be the result of your presence in his life, it will be the result of human nature, his and hers.
 
I feel for you on this one. Meeting may be a good idea in the long run, whichever way it helps her make a decision on whether she can grow comfortable with the idea.
 
The only way my own little poly world ever could have worked was if my wife and the other woman involved, did know eachother and could hit it off and live together under one roof. That was exactly our case with perhaps her closest friend. A total outsider, a bimbo, would have never given me a snowball's chance for this relationship to succeed. I firmly think there must be a meet and everyone must mesh and get along for any hope of this to work over the long haul. Now if anyone just wants a poly partner for 6 weeks or months, well then anything goes and no one needs to give a rats ass about the other.
 
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concern

I have to be honest here, this situation is bothersome to me. From what I gather from foxflame's other posts, both her relationship with her husband and this new relationship with this married man are in a state of great change. Entering into new relationships while other people feel apprehensive doesn't seem to fit with the "consent of all involved" philosophy, or the "move at the pace of the slowest partner" philosophy. In short, this feels rushed to me, and seems doomed to failure. I feel for foxflame's husband and this man's wife. Not that I know them personally, but the way the relationship progressed so quickly is something that makes us new to poly relationships afraid of the lifestyle and the choices our SOs could UNILATERALLY make.
That is my 2 cents. Bash it if you like.
 
The only way my own little poly world ever could have worked was if my wife and the other woman involved, did know eachother and could hit it off and live together under one roof. That was exactly our case with perhaps her closest friend. A total outsider, a bimbo, would have never given me a snowball's chance for this relationship to succeed. I frimly think there must be a meet and everyone must mesh and get along for any hope of this to work over the long haul. Now if anyone just wants a poly partner for 6 weeks or months, well then anything goes and no one needs to give a rats ass about the other.

I'm quoting the whole thing because it is a great statement, Mark. You are definitely an example setting person in my books:D Of course I'm totally not into short term relationships as to me they are more "open relationship" flings..just a way to have more and different sex. Nothing wrong with that, just not my thing.
 
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Mono, I suspect that more and different sex is at the very root of most poly people. I must admit it, it may have been part of my initial attraction to the poly life as it is a very nice fringe benefit. The fact of the matter is, it can't be the main reason or your depth in your relationship becomes self limiting. Most long term loving relationships need to function as limitless entities to last. IMO
 
Yeah Mark, I agree with you..I obviously have some serious issues around that whole topic of people just being able to enjoy sex as an activity or with a "moderate" love..I never thought I would when I was married which is funny..it's not judgement based but jealousy based. I have learned what sex means to me and how it relates to displaying love..it is a huge thing to me, one that I could start a new thread on and perhaps I will.

The sex issue is the key thing in my balance of pleasure and pain, which determines my future. That is why I have found a new approach to my relationship, one that makes me extremely happy in the moment and that is exactly where I am staying LOL!..my secret though;)

On that note I'll stop straying from the topic:)
Take care
 
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