Long distance girlfriend wants to go poly

Hodge

New member
First, thanks to all the contributors! I've already tried to read some threads about starting a poly relationship, and found some interesting and helpful comments already, especially by "Mono" (sp?) about living in a poly-relationship as the mono-person.

I still decided to start a new thread because my "question" is specifically about long-distance relationships: I've been in a long-distance relationship for 5 years. I'm the mono in the relationship who feels she's "the one"; she's felt the same way these last few years, but she had polyamorous inclinations before she met me and recently "rediscovered" them. (Edit: to clarify, she didn't mention this to me until the rediscovery, and I believe her that she genuinely felt "mono" during these 5 years, if that makes sense to say.) Since then, she's also become attracted to a male friend of hers. We agreed that she'll talk to him and tell him that she's still in love with me and wants to stay with me and that I've declared my willingness and openness to the idea of a polyamorous relationship (which I have, although that was preceded by pain and confusion) . Once she's talked to him, she and I will discuss how to proceed from there.

And this is where my question comes in: I'm going to see her at Christmas the earliest for about 10 days, and then again in February for a two weeks. We originally planned that I'd leave my country for good and give the relationship a "short-distance" shot in June. My question is whether it's better to agree that we should wait till Christmas, and discuss it face-to-face, and only then start seriously building a poly-relationship, or whether it's better to have her start dating her friend "right away" ... from my point of view, the second option seems "riskier" because we have so much physical distance between each other, but on the other hand this is the situation we're going to be in for most of the coming months, and I also don't know how I would feel if I was a poly person opening up to my boyfriend and he'd tell me not to date someone...

To summarise: I think I'm the typical mono confronted with the idea of a poly relationship, who loves the other person more than anything but is also freaked out and terrified (but excited, too, sometimes), _plus_ it's about a long-distance relationship.

I thank you all in advance for any kind of advice or anecdotes or experiences, and I wish you all the best in your own life adventures. Thanks for reading.
 
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Oof! That's a rough one. My last paramour was long-distance, though only a four-hour drive away, so I could visit with reasonable frequency. That's not quite the same situation as living in a different country.

As for having the discussion about her dating someone else, well, I don't see any compelling reason to delay having that. You can discuss it on the phone just as well as in person.

Of course, if she begins to date him in between now and your visit, she'll likely be in the throes of NRE when you get there and your visit could feel just odd because of it. So it could be a good idea to ask her to wait.

I prefer to have all potential partners meet Curly before any serious dating begins. Were we living far apart, I don't think I'd insist on that sort of thing as it'd be really impractical. Hmm. That sort of distance seems to involve quite a bit that I'm not conversant with, so I'm not certain I can help much.
 
Oof! That's a rough one. My last paramour was long-distance, though only a four-hour drive away, so I could visit with reasonable frequency. That's not quite the same situation as living in a different country.

As for having the discussion about her dating someone else, well, I don't see any compelling reason to delay having that. You can discuss it on the phone just as well as in person.

Of course, if she begins to date him in between now and your visit, she'll likely be in the throes of NRE when you get there and your visit could feel just odd because of it. So it could be a good idea to ask her to wait.

I prefer to have all potential partners meet Curly before any serious dating begins. Were we living far apart, I don't think I'd insist on that sort of thing as it'd be really impractical. Hmm. That sort of distance seems to involve quite a bit that I'm not conversant with, so I'm not certain I can help much.

Ditto the last sentence. I personally prefer that I meet any prospective new partners prior to them "coming into the fold" so to speak and I would insist that any of MY prospectives meet BOTH my men prior to me bringing them in...
But we all live together-so that's not a huge complicated undertaking. I'm not sure what the best advice is in a situation with such a huge distance!

I would honestly talk about it regardless-there may need to be MULTIPLE... no, there WILL need to be multiple discussions in order to iron out technicalities. Technicalities come up when things change even if it's NOT a "new partner" change. But they DEFINATELY come up with new partners. So start talking. The more you talk, the more you will find to talk about! And that will lead to having things MORE clarified when you get to "decision" making.

I wouldn't JUMP into "yeah go get a boyfriend". I would work towards that. But that's ME.

Good luck!! I hope you get more helpful replies!!
 
Personally I highly doubt I will have another long distant relationship. I don't find that I want to spend my time with people I don't see, touch, smell (VERY important to me), regularly. I know a lot of Poly people are into the whole LDR thing, but I just don't get it. There are so many people right in my city, why would I want to spend energy on someone far away unless I don't want the level of depth that can be had with someone close, or I like to have a busy life doing other things, or I just can't find anyone else.

If that is the case for you then I can understand. It just wouldn't be for me... In my mind, why settle for "good" when I can achieve "great."

I guess I basically think that as a mono person this will drive you crazy. I imagine that you will think you will lose her to someone else? You very well could... at the very least you will lose her a little because she has something real and tangible at home. You would become the secondary perhaps. Yup, I would be scared and would be preparing my heart for some hard times.... regardless of what happens at Christmas time or whether or not she dates before you get there...

Actually I would almost wonder if her dating before you even get there would be a better idea... that way you would get there and meet the guy, really feel what it is like to be in a poly relationship and can hash out boundaries etc. while you are in the thick of the feelings rather than brainstorming on what could happen. I think it may be better to get right at it. You've been together a long time so why not! She should put her money where her mouth is and show you how committed she is and have fun doing it.
 
Thank you all for taking the time to respond!

NRE *is* something I'm worried about and I told her so.

LovingRadiance's sentiment echoes my own: "I wouldn't JUMP into "yeah go get a boyfriend". I would work towards that. But that's ME." I try to be supportive, but I also try and be clear about the fact that I do not have an active inclination towards going poly myself. So I want to work towards it if she feels it's something without which she can't be happy, but at the same time I'm not cheering... well, I guess in a way I've been cheering a little, just because I want her to be happy and feel good. And as for myself, I feel very good about not feeling *bad* about the idea of being in a poly relationship, but at the same time I do not exactly feel super-enthusiastic about it. I'm curious and terrified at the same time. My motto right now is: the proof of the pudding lies in eating it.

I don't fancy long distance relationships, but the happiness of the past five years by far outweigh the sad and difficult moments (certainly in my case, and she says she experienced it similarly, although she's had a harder time of it than me). The question "Why?" a long distance relationhip is a bit of a no-brainer to me in this case. She's just an amazing woman, we have so much in common and yet we are not exactly the same; she's given me so much and she's made me feel as though I was able to give her something in return. I've never loved anyone as much as her, to me she's one of a kind. Her presence just makes me happy, whether she's with me in a room or whether she's thousands of miles away. And, of course, I was getting really, really, seriously excited about the prospect of leaving my country and giving this a shot "for real". But of course now our relationship has changed in ways that I (or she) cannot yet fathom.

And what you said, redpepper, that's something I'm very keen on, too. I wouldn't quite put it this way, "She should put her money where her mouth is", but I feel the same: I don't want a relationship break; I want to find out how and whether it can work... but it's hard to make such a decision without any experience. And there's the other _man_. Obviously, he and his attitude are an important part of this. I haven't quite figured out whether I need to (or can) claim primacy in the relationship in order for it to work for me. My gut reaction was that I *do* need some sort of primacy, but once again it's hard to decide that without any actual experience.

In any case, thanks so much for your input! More responses are, of course, most welcome.
 
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Ack, yes, "put your money where your mouth is" is not the best saying is it? Its all I could come up with at the time. She sounds like a very special woman, I hope all goes well for you all.
 
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In my mind, why settle for "good" when I can achieve "great."

If you happen to meet a wonderful amazing person with whom you connect deeply with, why settle for not having them in your life at all when you can have them in your life in some capacity, even if it's limited? How does having that connection prevent you from being able to achieve "great"?
 
If you happen to meet a wonderful amazing person with whom you connect deeply with, why settle for not having them in your life at all when you can have them in your life in some capacity, even if it's limited? How does having that connection prevent you from being able to achieve "great"?

Great is determined by the individual. Based on my excpectations this could never create a "great" situation. It wouldn't be worth it for me..the pain pleasure balance would be too tilted.
 
Great is determined by the individual. Based on my excpectations this could never create a "great" situation. It wouldn't be worth it for me..the pain pleasure balance would be too tilted.

I used to think that way. But I found the treasure of having a person in your life far outweighs any pain that the distance creates. Perhaps it's because I'm a person that has moved great distances in my life. Perhaps it's because my brother's now marriage started off as a long distance relationship for 3 years, with her living in Turkey and him living in the States. If I were monogamous, I would still weigh the connection over the distance and would probably have the goal of resolving that distance. But I also know that in my life, I won't be able to resolve such things with all of my connections, but I choose to keep the connections because it would hurt me more to lose that.
 
I used to think that way. But I found the treasure of having a person in your life far outweighs any pain that the distance creates. Perhaps it's because I'm a person that has moved great distances in my life. Perhaps it's because my brother's now marriage started off as a long distance relationship for 3 years, with her living in Turkey and him living in the States. If I were monogamous, I would still weigh the connection over the distance and would probably have the goal of resolving that distance. But I also know that in my life, I won't be able to resolve such things with all of my connections, but I choose to keep the connections because it would hurt me more to lose that.


Monogamous with monoagomous I could see having an easier time of it. Monogamous with poly I personally can't even fathom. That is probably due to my interpretation of commitment. I don't recommend mono/poly relationships to anyone and in a LDR situation I am humbled by Hodge's strenght.
Best of luck to anyone strong enough to do this. I tilt my hat to them.
 
If you happen to meet a wonderful amazing person with whom you connect deeply with, why settle for not having them in your life at all when you can have them in your life in some capacity, even if it's limited? How does having that connection prevent you from being able to achieve "great"?

Its just not my definiton of "great" I guess. Not that they wouldn't be in my life though. I just know myself and know that my relationship with them would dwindle quickly and never reach the level it possibly could. I wouldn't want to set someone up like that. I've hurt people before with this as they thought it was something it wasn't and been recentful towards them for demanding my time when its over. It just really wouldn't be fair to anyone. I have to be clear with my boundaries when it comes up. On line romances just aren't for me.
 
I've hurt people before with this as they thought it was something it wasn't and been recentful towards them for demanding my time when its over. It just really wouldn't be fair to anyone. I have to be clear with my boundaries when it comes up. On line romances just aren't for me.

I just make sure with any connections that are maintained online that those limitations are very clear between the two of us. I also only maintain online connections with people I knew originally in real life and proximity and then got separated by distance. I just can't see turning off feelings for them despite the distance. I can definitely see recognizing the limitations of it, but that's all part of letting a relationship be what it is rather than stuffing it into some expectation of what we think it should be. Especially with having moved great distances, I would lose some very amazing people in my life if I let distance separate us.
 
MonoVCPHG! I've been perusing your posts (on other threads) with great interest. I don't know if I have the strength, quite frankly. I want to see her happy, but I wouldn't stay in the relationship just for her sake. I think I can honestly say I'd take a bullet for that woman, but taking a bullet is easy because it's quick and painless. I'm not sure I could submit myself to a situation where I'd be quietly suffering my lot just to make her happy (nor do I think she could be happy under such circumstances) or for the occasional happy moment. Of course a relationship is not always happy; it's very much about the *unhappy* moments, too. From my current perspective, it's about finding out whether I'm "too mono" for this or not... and if I am and if the situation turns out to be too painful, I'll seriously thinking about ending the relationship. But right now, I see no reason to jump the gun. Why give up something so wonderful out of fear of being hurt? Why not first find out whether I or she (or the other he) can handle it? For both of us, this is unknown territory, and we both have to wait and see how we respond and adapt to the new situation. And reading about poly relationships and discussing it with others has already helped me a lot.

However, you do raise a very important question that's been on my mind: how does "commitment" pan out in a long-distance poly relationship? My girlfriend has been very wonderful in sending me reassuring messages these past couple of days, but of course when left to my own devices I do feel, well, not forsaken but I certainly do find myself wondering about my presence in her mind ... before she "rediscovered" it, I had this permanent sense of me thinking about her and her thinking about me, and we'd tell each other how we'd wander through the streets and smile because we were thinking about each other. And I believe it's going to be much harder to sustain this in the coming months. I find it also really hard not to over-worry and over-interpret signs... maybe you've made similar experiences, Mono? You know, you look at the way she phrases certain things, the way she chooses to respond to certain things you say, and you immediately start asking yourself whether it's a signal that something's different... I'm still trying to wrap my heart around the notion of love as something that's not measurable... about notions of sufficiency, or "secondary" not necessarily meaning "less loved"... I can understand these things rationally, but my gut doesn't process them as easily.

In any case, I'll let you know if I find the strength. I certainly hope so. But judging by some of the responses I'm getting, I better brace myself. And the most feasible way to do that right now seems to me to talk a lot and be open and honest and read and learn.
 
It sounds to me like the mono/poly dynamic is more the issue here than the long distance, though the distance can indeed exacerbate the issue and create even less security.
 
I guess I'm talking more about meeting on-line than knowing someone and moving away Ceoli. Knowing someone first would mean that you know you get along on a day to day basis and are physically attracted. On line that is blurred considerably. That's not to say that one can't flirt, tell secrets, be loving and talk about ideas and day to day stuff. I just find more and more people on line are far more trusting and ready to make a relationship more than it is. Those boundaries some times need clarifying quickly.

Hodge I feel for you and my heart is breaking for you already. Knowing my dear Mono's heart he would never be able to do it I don't think.

I live in a Navy city where some of my friends say good bye to their spouses for up to 6 monthes at a time. I see how it effects them and their families. How kids are raised to not bond entirely with their parent. I'm a strong believer in "attachment theory" when it comes to raising kids. I love the whole global community thing but really do best with the old school ways of working towards my community being around me and tangable.

That being said I love you folks on here and feel the love from you back. I give it back too but I like to think in context of that distance. How many times have people come on here and taken it all way too seriously? Its all tied in for me. For me context is so important when thinking of long distant relationships.
 
I find it also really hard not to over-worry and over-interpret signs... maybe you've made similar experiences, Mono? You know, you look at the way she phrases certain things, the way she chooses to respond to certain things you say, and you immediately start asking yourself whether it's a signal that something's different... I'm still trying to wrap my heart around the notion of love as something that's not measurable... about notions of sufficiency, or "secondary" not necessarily meaning "less loved"... I can understand these things rationally, but my gut doesn't process them as easily.

.

My friend ,you have no idea how I use to see and interpret things LOL!! I was the depiction of walking paranoia. That eased with time for me but I am right with Redpepper. When we didn't get to see each other for a couple a days I would get weirded out and feel disconnected. We both still feel the disconnect if we go too long without at least seing each other briefly.
She is right in assuming I couldn't do the LDR thing in our mono/poly relationship. That doesn't mean you can't though. It just wouldn't be healthy for me which would make it unhealthy for her.
I don't like to see people end things prematurely or not take as much positive from every relationship, but I do like people to be realistic and keep their mental health in mind when facing these challenges.

You have already shown great strenght in my eyes.
Take care
Mono
 
I hesitate to answer because of being such a rank newby. but my *feeling* is that you should communicate as much as possible...text, phone, ESP, whatever you can...always pausing to make it as complete as possible and address issues as clearly as you can.
expect issues of jealousy, discomfort, maybe even anger and frustration but try to discuss the specific reasons for those feelings rather than the feelings themselves.
Wife and I have Guidelines more than rules, and the guidelines suggest face to face meetings, much texting, and chatting between everyone before we launch into a physical relationship. but we've also discussed that a face to face is logistically difficult given our separation, so other forms of communication will have to fill the gap.
 
I guess I'm talking more about meeting on-line than knowing someone and moving away Ceoli. Knowing someone first would mean that you know you get along on a day to day basis and are physically attracted. On line that is blurred considerably. That's not to say that one can't flirt, tell secrets, be loving and talk about ideas and day to day stuff. I just find more and more people on line are far more trusting and ready to make a relationship more than it is. Those boundaries some times need clarifying quickly.

I generally agree with that, but have to also acknowledge that my brother met his wife after accidentally messaging her instead of his friend on Yahoo. She's Turkish and was living in Turkey at the time. They continued chatting online and recognized a connection. He visited her, she visited him etc. Now she lives here and they have been married for 9 years with two beautiful girls. So I never say never :)

Also I think it bears note that digital communication in general takes on an increasingly significant role in our day to day communication. It stands to reason that it would also have an effect on the paradigms of how we relate in relationships as well. Whether that's a good or a bad thing remains to be seen. I'm sure a lot of people felt leery of the phone when it first came out too.
 
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