How do you tell someone else's kids?

Mohegan

New member
I've spent a good while searching around and am not finding exactly what I am looking for. My 4yr old niece recently met Pixi. For those who haven't read our blogs, Pixi is my husband Karma's g/f of a few months. My brother and his wife have known and supported us in this adventure from day one three years ago. Originally we all decided that we wouldn't discuss it with the kids until they asked questions. At the time my niece was barely a yr old and my nephew wasn't even thought of yet so we had time.

We did fun touristy things while they were in town and obeying my brothers wishes, Karma and Pixi didn't have any PDAs while we were all together. My niece picked up on Pixi being an important part of lives anyway, which is great fine and wonderful. Except that right now she thinks Pixi is our maid. They had just watched The Help and somehow that's what her little 4 yr old mind equated with Pixi. Including asking if Pixi lived in our garage (we figured this out today after she watched it again and said "See mommy they live in the garage.")

After laughing for quite awhile my sister in law said that they are obviously going to have to talk with her, especially because we are moving closer and Pixi will inevitably be spending more time with them. We've all agreed from day one to be honest and never lie to the kids about our difference in religion (they are very christian and we are pagan) or about poly. She wants to sit down as a family to discuss it with my niece, so that she sees that we are all on the same page.

I obviously plan on letting them take the lead as she is their daughter. But their only experience with poly is us. As I said they are very christian and while they love and support us, to them our way of life is 'technically' wrong. They won't, I have no doubt, approach it from a wrong or hate kind of direction. But none of us are exactly sure how to go about explaining things.

So how do you explain poly to a 4yr old that isn't yours, but is a huge part of your life? Do we just say Uncle Karma loves two people, and see if she has questions? How deep do we go with the answers to those questions.

I guess my biggest worry is that we want her to grow up open minded and accepting of people who live differently than her, but we (I) also don't want to contradict the religion she is being raised in and cause her inner turmoil long before she's really old enough to grasp it.

Not having children of my own, but holding a degree in early childhood education, I am aware that an honest straightforward answer is best. What I'm not sure of is how much is too much info at that age?

Any advice, anecdotes, ideas will be greatly appreciated as this new territory for all of us.
 
You don't have to get into the nitty gritty with a 4 yo. You answer honestly but simply.

You just tell her Pixi is Karma's girlfriend. If there is more questions then you answer them at a 4 yo level.

My kids are 10 and 6. Honestly they kind of just rolled with it. My 10 yo has asked a few extra questions. I answered honestly and in a manner he could understand. When he asked how I can love Murf and their dad Butch. I asked if he loved all three of our dogs. He said yes. I said do you love them the same. He said no. Then I asked do you love one more than another. He answered no. Then I said you can love people the same way.
 
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You may be interested in my post about when my nephew sprung his "DO you have two husbands?" question on me - here in my Notebook blog (and reading GG's reply there).

Our friends' kids don't seem to notice that we have an "extra" as at friend-type functions there are always extraneous adults, but at family-type functions it's a bit more obvious that the friend/family line is being crossed.

I would definitely let the kids parents take the lead...since you are out with them (we are not out to my family per se) you could ask them how they would like to present things...as long as it doesn't directly conflict with your values you could choose to just back what they choose to say.

Just my thoughts.

JaneQ
 
Thank you both. I really appreciate the peace of mind knowing I was on the right track. She is ridiculously intelligent and perceptive (which of course has us all frightened for her teenage years) so I wouldn't be surprised if she's already put it together and just isn't sure how to equate it to what she already knows about families.

She also asked that day if Uncle Karma and I were married which led to the garage comment.

I have no issue letting my brother and sister in law lead the talk, but I have a good feeling Karma and I will be the ones explaining it if there are questions.

This has also pushed forward our coming out to my parents. It's been something I planned on doing anyway, but now it's a must. Whatever my niece knows, YaYa will hear about. I'm thinking of taking my mom out to dinner and discussing it with her when we are in town next.

So I'm guessing the best approach is that Uncle Karma has a wife and a girlfriend and while that's not how every family lives, it's good for us (or something to that effect) and seeing if she has questions.
 
I like the "we love more than one person" line with little ones-because they inherently understand that since they love more than one person & sex isnt part of their repertoire yet.
But the "this is my gf" line works well also.
We have 4 kids, a precocious and inquisitive grandson, 10 neices/nephews & 2 kids who regularly visit.

I have always let their question lead the depth of my answer, but either of the above mentioned starting points works great ( I have used both ).
 
It's funny, the only kid I've needed to talk to lately about my relationship status is the little girl I sit for, who is 6, extremely intelligent and precocious.

However, in the 2 years I've known her, she hasnt even been able to wrap her head around the idea that I am divorced. She claims that all the kids she knows in school have a mommy and a daddy. Even when I said sometimes kids have just a mommy, or a mom and dad that live separately, she rejects the concept.

(She did not reject the idea that kids could have 2 mommies though, and once had a wedding for two of her Barbies.)

I talked to her often of my "best friend" miss pixi, and more recently, my friend Ginger. And now she (and her parents) know that I just moved in with miss pixi. I am sure her parents suspect miss p is more to me than a friend, but no one has ever asked any questions... and I don't talk about Ginger to her parents.

For the record, the dad is Christian and the mom is Hindu, but I do not know if how they practice involves intolerance for queers or other alternative type people.

In your case, if explaining your polyness to their kid makes your relatives question the assumption that Christianity is ipso facto hetero and mono, it's a good thing.
 
I appreciate that Karma and pixi respected your brother's wishes in what to expose his child too.

Why do your brother and his wife want you, Karma, and pixi involved in this discussion with their daughter? I know you said so she sees you're all on the same page, but what exactly does that mean? You're all on the same page in what way? In that you all agree as to what's going on or what this arrangement is or what to call it? That all the adults involved agree to it or approve of it?

I'll be honest, I see what to tell her as really something her parents ought to be deciding. But why not simply say, "She's a good friend?" It's not really important to a 4 year old to know that she's his 'girlfriend.'
 
When I was little and used to visit my great-grandparents, I was told that the man who lived with them was a "family friend" or sometimes their "boarder" (he slept in the second bedroom). I didn't find out until I was in my 30s that he was my great-grandmother's boyfriend, after one of my grandmother's cousins told me. Then a lot of things clicked in place in my mind! But I know that I never thought anything strange about them all living together when I was a kid, and no one in my immediate family made it out to be anything weird to us, so we just never paid the situation any mind. This was back in the mid- through late-1960s, btw.
 
I tend to agree with most of the answers on here. I have explained to my neice and nephews and even to my own children that I love both of my partners equaly just as they love grandma and papa equally and that with out my family ( including the people I love) I wouldn't be whole. Just because your religions are different doesn't mean both don't have the concept of family being close and loving. If you make it about that rather then religious views it should help keep her turmoil of good and bad; right and wrong out of her young mind. Perhaps if you explain it similar to a pet (ie they wernt born into the family but you love them and they you and therefor they are apart of the family)n thus also negating the need to discus sex with a 4 year old. Noone can tell you what's right and wrong so maybe just decide to go with her parents tell her, answer questions honnestly but simply. I hope these suggestions help.
 
I appreciate that Karma and pixi respected your brother's wishes in what to expose his child too.

Why do your brother and his wife want you, Karma, and pixi involved in this discussion with their daughter? I know you said so she sees you're all on the same page, but what exactly does that mean? You're all on the same page in what way? In that you all agree as to what's going on or what this arrangement is or what to call it? That all the adults involved agree to it or approve of it?

I'll be honest, I see what to tell her as really something her parents ought to be deciding. But why not simply say, "She's a good friend?" It's not really important to a 4 year old to know that she's his 'girlfriend.'

Pixi won't be there, it will be my brother and his wife and Karma and I. For my brother and I it's because there were always a lot of secrets in our family. There was a lot of don't tell so and so this, or things that were blatantly obvious but never discussed. It left us very confused and with a lot of wounds to heal as adults. We agreed early on that we would never raise our kids that way and if there was a family matter to be discussed then the whole of those involved would be there. Due to logistics of place and time, Pixi won't be involved in the discussion, but I imagine she will be for future questions or conversations.

It's also because poly is something they have only experienced through us and they want to make sure she knows that we're available to her for questions.

If she were at a true 4 yr old level I'd agree that just telling her Pixi is a good friend would be fine. But she's already putting pieces together and they want to give her facts not leave it up to assumption. A lot of that comes from how we were raised. We had an 'aunt' that lived with our parents from before I was born until I was in 5th grade. There's been plenty of speculation on our parts but no actual answers to our questions. We don't want the kids growing up and questioning things and feeling like they can't ask questions about it.


When I was little and used to visit my great-grandparents, I was told that the man who lived with them was a "family friend" or sometimes their "boarder" (he slept in the second bedroom). I didn't find out until I was in my 30s that he was my great-grandmother's boyfriend, after one of my grandmother's cousins told me. Then a lot of things clicked in place in my mind! But I know that I never thought anything strange about them all living together when I was a kid, and no one in my immediate family made it out to be anything weird to us, so we just never paid the situation any mind. This was back in the mid- through late-1960s, btw.

That's actually pretty close to how our 'aunt' mentioned above was. My brother and I have always speculated though. For as long as I can remember we would have talks about it, but any time we got up the courage to ask we were never given a straight answer. To this day we only have speculation and a few old letters from when my dad was stationed out of state, to go on. We really don't want the kids to live in that speculation question limbo. We'd rather be up front with them.(this goes for my brother and his wife as well as karma and I)

I tend to agree with most of the answers on here. I have explained to my neice and nephews and even to my own children that I love both of my partners equaly just as they love grandma and papa equally and that with out my family ( including the people I love) I wouldn't be whole. Just because your religions are different doesn't mean both don't have the concept of family being close and loving. If you make it about that rather then religious views it should help keep her turmoil of good and bad; right and wrong out of her young mind. Perhaps if you explain it similar to a pet (ie they wernt born into the family but you love them and they you and therefor they are apart of the family)n thus also negating the need to discus sex with a 4 year old. Noone can tell you what's right and wrong so maybe just decide to go with her parents tell her, answer questions honnestly but simply. I hope these suggestions help.

You're absolutely right on the religion front and I really like how you presented it. The religion aspect has been a hang up for all of us. They want and encourage us to be honest with the kids about our religious differences and hope to use that to instill in them the importance of acceptance and having an open mind. But in the same vein they also want to make sure the kids understand that it's not something their religion believes in. I want to respect their beliefs and the beliefs they are raising the kids in simply because that's who I am, but also because they have been so supportive and accepting I want to do the same in return. Your explanation will definitely help with that. Thank you.
 
Thanks for the clarification on why you and Karma will be involved in the discussion. I honestly don't think it's necessary for the two of you to be there in order for the daughter to know she can come to you.

My further question would be, since you wish as a child you'd had more concrete answers, what concrete answers are you thinking of giving a 4 year old? To tell her directly this is Karma's girlfriend? What does 'girlfriend' mean to this 4 year old? When she asks, do you intend to go on to tell her it means the two of them have sex?

I recently read a short excerpt about a father on a train, whose young daughter asked a question that was beyond her years by far. When they got off the train, he asked her to carry his work bag. She protested that it was too heavy for her. He said, "For now, so is the answer to your question. Let me carry that for a bit, too, until you're older." (From a Corrie ten Boom book in case anyone is interested.)

I get the feeling there's almost an eagerness to Discuss Poly with this little girl; an eagerness on the part of you, karma, your brother, and his wife, to Be Open-Minded and Teach Open-Mindedness. My feeling is that no matter how precocious a 4 year old is, no matter how intelligent, she is still a very young child. Sometimes, as adults, we can say, "She's a friend," and "We'll talk about that when you're older." I work with kids, and have a great deal of experience with kids this age. Take what you want from my thoughts.
 
My further question would be, since you wish as a child you'd had more concrete answers, what concrete answers are you thinking of giving a 4 year old? To tell her directly this is Karma's girlfriend? What does 'girlfriend' mean to this 4 year old? When she asks, do you intend to go on to tell her it means the two of them have sex?
...
I get the feeling there's almost an eagerness to Discuss Poly with this little girl; an eagerness on the part of you, karma, your brother, and his wife, to Be Open-Minded and Teach Open-Mindedness. My feeling is that no matter how precocious a 4 year old is, no matter how intelligent, she is still a very young child. Sometimes, as adults, we can say, "She's a friend," and "We'll talk about that when you're older." I work with kids, and have a great deal of experience with kids this age. Take what you want from my thoughts.

I think it's weird that you equate "girlfriend" with "sex." Do you think the 4-year-old will think of sex when she hears "girlfriend?" Would you feel differently if a monogamous person was introducing their long-term girlfriend to a child? When I became serious with Fly, and especially moved in with him, he didn't tell his son (who was around 3 when I moved in) "This is who Daddy has sex with." He told him, "This is someone Daddy loves, this is my girlfriend." Fly and I are not getting married, so I will always be the girlfriend.

It's a huge difference between introducing kids to your fuck buddies, vs. the people you love. I think it's demeaning to the partner to be introduced as just a friend, and demeaning to the child to believe they can't handle understanding that people create their own families. I also think it's an admirable thing to want to teach tolerance and open-mindedness. Looking at what goes on in the world, it's my belief that more children need to be taught those values.

I also work with young children, and have for decades. It's important to not give them information beyond their developmental capabilities, but there are a lot of ways to convey big concepts to kids without using words or ideas that are adult in nature. In my opinion, it's never wrong to teach children that it's ok to love people, and that families are all different and all valid and valuable.
 
First, it was a question, not a statement. It was a request for clarification about what they really plan on telling this child. About what they plan to say if she presses for more information about what 'girlfriend' means when he clearly already has a wife. I think that's important.

Second, in this day and age, 'girlfriend' usually does mean someone you're having sex with. Not always, obviously. My experience--on forums, etc--has been that it's so common that many people tend to get very critical of people who choose not to have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and act as if that person is abnormal or perhaps has some issues. Based on reading on this board, I don't think it's weird at all that someone would think most people on this forum in particular are having sex with their boyfriends/girlfriends. (Might be an interesting poll.) In fact, a comment addressed to me just last week made the assumption that I am 'fucking' my boyfriend and no one at all stopped to point out that it was, in fact, an assumption, that I have never once said I'm sleeping with him.

But the fact remains, it was a question, not a statement.

My comment was not on the value of open-mindedness or tolerance or teaching it, but on being so eager to exhibit one's open-mindedness that one races into a conversation sooner than might be appropriate, or discusses things that aren't necessary.

I don't find it demeaning at all to introduce someone as a friend. And if my boyfriend had children, I would find their well-being more important than what word was used to describe me. He himself puts concern for my children (and how my dating a married man would affect them) above his feelings about whether I introduce him as a friend or boyfriend. I believe children's well-being should always come above adult's concern about a label. But everyone has their opinion on that, and that's the value of asking a question here and getting different opinions and views on which to reflect.
 
I think my problem is that it feels like you're focused on the sexual part of girlfriend as a relationship label. I don't see how it's any different than wife - I think most people assume men fuck their wives, and vice versa (regardless if that's actually the case), but I don't know that you'd say that to a four-year-old..."This is my wife. That means we have sex."

I don't see how being honest with kids endangers their well-being, but I do see how being dishonest or unforthcoming could hurt my kid. I don't choose to perpetuate secrets or gloss over reality, and I don't want him to grow up to be ashamed of anyone or ones that he chooses to love. I strongly believe that teaching love, teaching, tolerance, teaching truth, teaching compassion are our most sacred responsibilities as adults who influence children. Trying to hide, or to gloss over someone's loving relationships sends a message that it's wrong, bad, shameful, or something not to be discussed.

I'm happy to agree to disagree, and I think you and I probably live very different kinds of lives that color our perceptions. :)
 
I think my problem is that it feels like you're focused on the sexual part of girlfriend as a relationship label.

I'm not sure why one sentence in my original post would make you think I'm 'focused on' that. It seems to me this should be a fairly simple discussion: "Pixie? That's Karma's friend." There's nothing dishonest about it and I don't see where any 'shame' comes into that.
 
Thank you RainygrlJenny, Karma and I were just reading this together and couldn't have responded better ourselves. You pretty much covered what we were thinking.

To us g/f doesn't equate sex, especially for my brother and his wife who stayed virgins until marriage 6 years (or more I don't remember) into their relationship. We equate the terms g/f, b/f, spouse with love and deep affection, not sex.

I do find it demeaning to refer to someone in a relationship as a 'friend'. Even as a young child when my Gma would refer to my aunt's b/f's as 'friends' I wondered how stupid she thought we were. We knew they were dating.

There's really no 'eagerness' to discuss poly with her. But it is what her parents want to do and Karma and I are okay with that. Is it necessary for us all to be involved in the talk, maybe not. But it's how our family is choosing to handle it.

As for what we'll say or how we'll answer questions...we aren't sure yet, hence the starting of this thread.
 
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