(I think compromise is the best thing when trying to work with someone, especially if they have any trepidation's).
Does she share this belief? And she will try to work with you and your trepidations? Like a 2 way street?
Aren't we suppose to feel free enough to express even what we know might trigger the other person to feel hurt (not that we are TRYING to hurt them)?
Yes. Speak your truth. You are not out to hurt the other person with it. But you all cannot make a plan from complete information if people aren't putting their cards on the table PLAIN.
I have a hard time demanding a firm agreement, I do not want to be controlling or forceful; I'd rather she CHOOSE me.
You don't have to demand. She already agreed not to contact until October. Presumably she knows herself well enough not to agree to stuff she cannot actually do.
If this time you guys decide to allow an exception, then it is this time only. She can contact at the end of this month and then leave it alone until October.
It cannot be like "every other day changing stuff." Because if you are constantly having THIS talk about contact agreements, you cannot get on with having the OTHER conversations you need to do to repair trust so things can get back to being solid.
If things keep changing every other day or so, it's hard to feel solid. It feels like chronic instability.
I just don't see how "sticking to my guns" will be helpful, especially right now when we are rebooting our relationship.
I think "sticking to your guns" about the contact agreement lets the "time out period" where you two are supposed to talk and work some things out be a period of calm/stability. Wasn't that the purpose the agreement in the first place?
I am not even solid on "the way I hope"; but I think I've decided to give Poly a try with her (and, i guess, him.). I just need time for us to rebuild so I can feel we have something strong and solid again that will be added to, not distracted from.
That could be a problem. On the boards I see a lot of people coming to it like "add a third." I think emotionally it is more like "break up the old relationship model on purpose" in favor of "starting a new poly model."
There will be "breaking up" feelings to process even if breaking up the old model was wanted. Not everyone realizes that they might go through a kind of mourning period. Then they wonder why they feel yucky in the new model.
Right now when I think about it I would want to put on a ridiculous amount of boundaries that are a bit unreasonable when we all live on an island that is 28 miles long and 7 miles wide...
Could she keep her agreements from here til October to demonstrate that she can be trusted again? And then in October once he's back you don't restrict?
You just expect her to treat you well in honest and forthright ways. (personal boundary.)
If she doesn't behave that way?
Then you have a new choice to make: Keep on like that. Or stop being with her. (Both choices that YOU can do.)
I almost don't feel like I have a choice, when he moves back... would I just become resented because I'm holding on to a belief structure I don't fully agree with and forcing it on her?
Are you saying you are going to enter a poly V you don't really want to do just to avoid breaking up with her? Rather than doing a poly V because you love doing poly V's?
You DO have a choice. You decide what you will and will not participate in.
She has a choice too. She decides what she will and will not participate in.
If you want Closed and she wants something else, you both could accept you are no longer compatible. Because you forcing yourself into a model you do not really want? That's not good for you. And her forcing herself into a model she does not really want? That's not good for her.
I remember what a new relationship is like, I know exactly what she's missing, I guess maybe I'm missing it too. We sort of have that right now with each other, we stayed up till 2 am last night talking about our first sexual experiences and how funny young people are, our past relationships and how each one affected us as a person... a conversation we never really had before but probably REALLY should have.
Well, could do the catching up work you need to be doing right now.
Then assess if it will continue in a romantic way with her or if you are better off good exes and friends.
You are not going to figure these things out over night. And maybe not even by her bday in July. I think the original plan to wait until October to make final decision gives you more time to do the soul searching and talks that you both need to do.
Galagirl
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