Carma
New member
No, NY, I didn't mind your summary at all, just wanted to clarify. Details can get pickity persnickity! But I really did appreciate your helpfulness, and ONLY saw it as such.
(BTW -- sending much love to you and your city today).
I haven't yet decided what to do about calling her. Leaning at the moment at NOT doing it -- but that's because I'm feeling a little less scrambled -- because Sundance and I have been together all weekend, and have made love every night, and I'm feeling pretty hopeful about our marriage, even though it has gotten really fucked up! (Literally!)
I must confess that I am considering ending things with Butch. I need to focus on my marriage right now. I don't want a divorce. I don't want my kids finding out/freaking out, about the paramours. I need to simplify my life, deal with the problems that are within my own home, and get a life back that is open and honest. I'm tired of sneaking around with Butch. Discretion is one thing, but this is SECRET. I want to live in the sunlight. If Sundance wants to give up the sneakiness and the thrill of living in the shadows, which I believe deep down he does, then I think he will join me.
I also think that deep down, it may be a relief for Butch, too. (Well, ONE form of relief will end for him, ahhhhhhh. So sad for that.) We can still be friends but the sexual nature of our relationship will have to end. And for awhile, we will have to keep some distance so that part can heal. I don't think Butch will be too crushed over it -- if so I guess he will deal with it, the same way he has dealt with his emotions all the way throughout our relationship! He will respect me, my feelings, and the marriage I must recommit to. My LOVE for him will never end. But like I've been talking about the past week or so -- love and sex are not the same thing! They don't always have to go hand in hand. Duh. And emotionally, we've always worked to keep a guard up, to refrain from too much romance or sentimentality, so I guess that was a blessing in disguise, after all.
It could have been different. I did have a dream of something beautiful and I grieve the loss of that dream. But what I ended up with fell short of the ideal, to say the least.
For me, I think poly could have only worked if it were OPEN. WIDE open. But I can't do that with people who prefer to live chunks of their life in secrecy, compartmentalizing everything. It took some trial and error to find this out, and painful honesty and humility to admit that maybe it's not going to work for me, for my marriage, for my family.
(BTW -- sending much love to you and your city today).
I haven't yet decided what to do about calling her. Leaning at the moment at NOT doing it -- but that's because I'm feeling a little less scrambled -- because Sundance and I have been together all weekend, and have made love every night, and I'm feeling pretty hopeful about our marriage, even though it has gotten really fucked up! (Literally!)
I must confess that I am considering ending things with Butch. I need to focus on my marriage right now. I don't want a divorce. I don't want my kids finding out/freaking out, about the paramours. I need to simplify my life, deal with the problems that are within my own home, and get a life back that is open and honest. I'm tired of sneaking around with Butch. Discretion is one thing, but this is SECRET. I want to live in the sunlight. If Sundance wants to give up the sneakiness and the thrill of living in the shadows, which I believe deep down he does, then I think he will join me.
I also think that deep down, it may be a relief for Butch, too. (Well, ONE form of relief will end for him, ahhhhhhh. So sad for that.) We can still be friends but the sexual nature of our relationship will have to end. And for awhile, we will have to keep some distance so that part can heal. I don't think Butch will be too crushed over it -- if so I guess he will deal with it, the same way he has dealt with his emotions all the way throughout our relationship! He will respect me, my feelings, and the marriage I must recommit to. My LOVE for him will never end. But like I've been talking about the past week or so -- love and sex are not the same thing! They don't always have to go hand in hand. Duh. And emotionally, we've always worked to keep a guard up, to refrain from too much romance or sentimentality, so I guess that was a blessing in disguise, after all.
It could have been different. I did have a dream of something beautiful and I grieve the loss of that dream. But what I ended up with fell short of the ideal, to say the least.
For me, I think poly could have only worked if it were OPEN. WIDE open. But I can't do that with people who prefer to live chunks of their life in secrecy, compartmentalizing everything. It took some trial and error to find this out, and painful honesty and humility to admit that maybe it's not going to work for me, for my marriage, for my family.