How much do babies change things?

faraday

Member
Hi! I’m in a happy triad with my boyfriend and girlfriend and recently I fell completely in love with a long term friend who up to that point had been monogamous. I’ll call him Dave. Dave’s wife is a very close friend and they have been friends with my boyfriend and I for about three years. Dave and I managed to fall stupid in love with each other at the same moment. And Dave and Amy (his wife) opened there relationship up so Dave and I could try this out.

Amy has always had outside play partners but it was emotionally difficult for Dave since Dave and I started dating he has been able to drop a lot of limits around Amy’s play and they are both very happy about that. Amy will probably move into a sexual relationship with a play partner when she feels ready. So things have been amazing. My girlfriend and boyfriend have been so supportive and there is a new level of honesty and friendship that feels amazing and it’s so much fun.

So here is the thing Dave and Amy have been planning on trying for a kid next fall. They are planners and Amy is going to go off birth control sometime in the fall. I have never wanted kids and will never have them. Things are just getting on there feet between Dave, Amy and I and I’m worried about how a kid will change things. These two _should_ have kids they will be rock star parents and as there friend I have always looked forward to seeing that happen but I’ve never had someone I was romantically attached to become a parent.

Does anyone have any experiences with a secondary partner becoming a parent and how that changes the relationship?
 
Wow that sounds complicated.

Having no kids but knowing people with kids, and further to that seeing this happen on this forum as well. Reading instances where this happened.

Yes it changes things. How it changes things is completely individual on the couple, wife and husband. You should be prepared for... anything :)
 
Yes it changes things. How it changes things is completely individual on the couple, wife and husband.

AND ON THE BABY. THE BABY IS A NEW PERSON.

Gaud. People are always wondering how a BABY will change "THEIR relationship(s)". "The baby" is NOT an accessory.
 
As for the question of babies..., I'd say of any people who are actual human adults, a status not necessarily age-related, let them have a baby if they understand population presure issues.

As for spelling and grammar? I'm not so good at either myself. But have a look at ...
http://www.wikihow.com/Use-There,-Their-and-They're
 
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AND ON THE BABY. THE BABY IS A NEW PERSON.

Gaud. People are always wondering how a BABY will change "THEIR relationship(s)". "The baby" is NOT an accessory.

*shrugs*.. the question was the affect on the relationship. The baby being born is a big enough change in the babies life. The baby should just be able to lay there and be taken care of. Everything around the baby is impacted.

I am not sure where I implied it wasn't a person.
 
I am not sure where I implied it wasn't a person.

I didn't say you said that. Is it ok if I quote something without making it out like I'm trying to paraphrase what was quoted? I was ADDING something to the discussion, not trying to say you said something you never said.

...really am not walking on eggshells anymore.
 
Yeah, I don't have any. I hear they're pretty life-changing. You may be able to create a dynamic with all of you but it'll sure as hell be different than things are now. On the plus side for them, however, maybe you can be there to help out around the house as things get crazy with a new born.
 
The dynamics of the relationship will change drastically expecially during the first year. As to how they will change that is really hard to say it varries from family to family and child to child but expect the baby to come first in everything.
 
As for spelling and grammar? I'm not so good at either myself. But have a look at ...
http://www.wikihow.com/Use-There,-Their-and-They're

I'm horribly dyslexic spelling is something that doesn't come to me very easily. I'm in an MFA writing program and I need my boyfriend and girlfriend to check my spelling before I turn anything in.

I know you are just trying to be helpful but it feels condescending because even if I wasn't correct it didn't impair your ability to understand me.
 
I think a generally safe approximation of with regard to baby's affect on the parents lives:

Pack up your life in box, both breakable and precious (like fine China) along with heavy and indestructible (cast iron pan) as well as the messy (Styrofoam peanuts) and fun (LUBE!).
Turn upside down and shake vigorously. (Never Ever ever never try this with an actual baby!!!)
After the first year, see what's left.

In terms of how this will affect you? It's a matter of how your relationship is with them...China, Cast Iron, Styrofoam or Lube?
 
I didn't say you said that. Is it ok if I quote something without making it out like I'm trying to paraphrase what was quoted? I was ADDING something to the discussion, not trying to say you said something you never said.

...really am not walking on eggshells anymore.

I think the caps through me off :p haha
 
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As for spelling and grammar? I'm not so good at either myself. But have a look at ...
http://www.wikihow.com/Use-There,-Their-and-They're

River...Um....so now would be the time to offer a little apology about grammar/spelling correction I would think :)

Faraday - Don't worry, you were perfectly understandable. I would have probably also taken that with difficulty..

As for through vs threw...well, that's a different issue ;)
I say that with meek jest and good will !!!!
 
Babies don't change a thing, provided everyone involved wants them.

Like any difference in a relationship, but perhaps amplified on steroids when it comes to a living human.
 
I think a generally safe approximation of with regard to baby's affect on the parents lives:

Pack up your life in box, both breakable and precious (like fine China) along with heavy and indestructible (cast iron pan) as well as the messy (Styrofoam peanuts) and fun (LUBE!).
Turn upside down and shake vigorously. (Never Ever ever never try this with an actual baby!!!)
After the first year, see what's left.

In terms of how this will affect you? It's a matter of how your relationship is with them...China, Cast Iron, Styrofoam or Lube?
Excellent analogy!
I love it.

I have 4 kids. I love them all. (19, 15, 11, 3) and a grandbaby (1month).

There are people who stayed in my life through the addition of child(ren), there were those who disappeared.
The ones who stayed were the ones who were willing to morph with the changes that came, because, as those before me said, you really can't predict exactly what those changes will be.

With my 11 year old, not much changed, he was a quiet, calm and easy going baby.
But-with the 3 year old, she had health issues, she projectile puked any time she had dairy or soy-limiting my food options greatly and making it not fun to be around her if I 'screwed up' on my diet. She choked endlessly (don't the heimlich on her more times in 3 years then ALL of the other kids added together). So there were a LOT of things in our lives that changed when she came.
Now-at 3 she's a healthy, vibrant and fun-loving kid, our lives are going back to a more "normal" style. Those people who loved and cared for us enough to stick it out through that difficulty-are thrilled when she screams their names and runs to them professing her undying love and affection. Those who couldn't handle the difficulties-miss out.
 
kids

We have 3 children & had discussed several times the possibility of having kids with out triad partner, we knew she would have that desire to have kids one day.

& the fact is, it would have depended on how strong the relationship is, I could have seen us having children with her but this is no subject to take lightly, as with most things the key is COMMUNICATION its very important for all involved to be up front & honest about what they are feeling.
 
Those people who loved and cared for us enough to stick it out through that difficulty-are thrilled when she screams their names and runs to them professing her undying love and affection. Those who couldn't handle the difficulties-miss out.

That's great. But what does sticking it out look like to you? How did friends stay close? Were there ways that they felt to present? What made you feel like they were there for you?

I want to be clear that I really want them to have kids I just don't know how to best support them. And I know I will talk with them a lot and we will figure it out but I also wanted to talk to poly parents about what works for you with secondary partners.
 
That's great. But what does sticking it out look like to you? How did friends stay close? Were there ways that they felt to present? What made you feel like they were there for you?

I want to be clear that I really want them to have kids I just don't know how to best support them. And I know I will talk with them a lot and we will figure it out but I also wanted to talk to poly parents about what works for you with secondary partners.

Faraday-good questions! Honestly, it's different for each person. GG obviously took a hands on role with the kids (obvious if you read other posts of mine on here). He's very much another parent to them as is Mimi.

However, J&C are only involved with the kids as in "if there was an emergency they would grab the kids for me", but they keep in touch by email and come hang out for holidays.

Midnightsun and her family are willing to take kids to babysit if needed, but most of our social time is spent without the kids (theirs or ours).

E is available anytime we go into town for a short visit, keeps in touch by email or texting, asks about the kids but rarely see's them beyond a special occasion, like coming to the hospital when our grandbaby was born in Feb.

It's really a matter of finding YOUR comfort level with each other. I don't think someone who isn't comfortable babysitting should pretend that they are-it's just not necessary.
BUT-it is important to accept that without a babysitter available, they may be unable to have kid-free time to hang out, so a willingness to visit when kids are around is very helpful.
That does not mean you need to PARENT their kids-much like a friend, I don't expect any lover to parent my kids, I expect them to respect that I need to. ;)
 
So here is the thing Dave and Amy have been planning on trying for a kid next fall. They are planners and Amy is going to go off birth control sometime in the fall.

Does anyone have any experiences with a secondary partner becoming a parent and how that changes the relationship?

Anyone who has kids knows with complete honesty that things change. Priorities change, time availability changes, your social life changes and the people you hang out with often change (new parents often hang with new parents at least for the first few years). In short..expect change. That doesn't mean it is a bad thing, it'll just be different. The baby will take precedent over everything and everyone....just as it should be in my opinion.
 
I'm dyslexic too Faraday. Writing on here has greatly helped me actually. As has the dawn of the mobile phone. I can read on there! and not on here depending on the settings the computer I use has. I use a net book actually as its screen is small. I set the zoom to something larger too...

I still get confused and get that blank thing that happens in my brain when I look on certain pages on here... its very frustrating and I just want to throw the lap top sometimes. I get where you are coming from.

Just my thought :) I'm sure River was trying to help though... I've known him a long while on here now and he isn't the type to be condescending I think. None of us intend that here most of the time, especially those of us who have been here a long time... just not that kind of forum... it's more of a honest open communication type space than condescending. It can come off as that in type though... he could of been light heartedly poking fun without realizing the circumstance. Needless to say, if it were me, and I was reading what he wrote, I would attempt to shrug it off.

As to babies; ya, change everything, as has been said. I think really considering your involvement and how much you want to invest in them as parents and their baby would be a good place to start... maybe check in with them about this too. They might want you involved, and then again, they might not.

Then throw it all out the window, because no one knows what it is like until it happens. Best intentions are a great place to start, but I don't think they should expect that you will be swimmingly in love with the fact that for a good long time you won't be getting a drop of attention, likely no sex, and in fact, will likely be the last person they will want to have to engage in that way as they likely won't be engaging in each other that way either.

New parents are selfish. Not in a bad way, just in a way that is necessary. The baby is selfish and therefore the parents are too because they are responsible for giving EVERYTHING to their child. Once they have, there is nothing left for themselves, let alone another partner that is not involved with the baby.

This is where your choice comes in... I think the question would be; be involved by doing everything they ask, not demanding or asking for a thing, giving entirely to them and what they need for at least a year or more and being the best damned "auntie" you can be OR see them occasionally and casually and let it ride out until they either have time for you and you for them in the way you feel more like giving, or you and them move on.

I would think you would have to listen to yourself in terms of what reason you yourself don't want to have kids. Is it because you don't like them? or because you just don't want to have that kind of responsibility? Answering that for yourself and them might help make the decision to continue, once baby is made, easier.

Bottom line? Be honest with yourself... and then them.

If you do a tag search for "children" or "kids" you will find some threads that might interest you on this topic.
 
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