WhiteTulips
New member
This is my first post, though I've been a lurker for quite a while. My husband and I have been having problems and I'm looking for advice from more seasoned veterans.
The background: I have identified as poly for pretty much all of my dating life, and my husband is mono. I told him before we became official that I was not looking for a monogamous relationship and he said that he was willing to open up but wanted to be exclusive for a while. Basically, that never happened. About 9 months into our relationship I met a guy I was interested in and told my husband (then boyfriend) that I wanted to start dating. At this point we had been talking engagement and he asked if I could wait so that he wasn't "just another boyfriend". So we waited. A few months later we were engaged. I started feeling nervous about the situation and made it clear that i had no desire to be in a monogamous marriage, but he reassured me that we would open up after the wedding. About a year after that we were married. On our honeymoon he broke down and told me that he would never be OK with opening up. I was incredibly resentful for quite a while, but have recently started bringing it up again.
At this point we have had many fights and a handful of productive discussions about the subject. We have started making progress, but it is raising a whole new set of issues. He says he would be OK with what is essentially unicorn chasing: a triad where we have threesomes and some dates with a girl but nothing outside a casual relationship. I have tried to explain to him why this isn't very realistic but he doesn't see it. Also, though I have had sex with women before I consider myself mostly straight and would want to date a man. Forcing a triad is not appealing to me at all: I am interested in an open relationship where we both date independently, but he won't even discuss it. I have tried to talk to him about what he's feeling, but he doesn't know why he's so strongly against it and isn't really interested in thinking about it. I am afraid of compromising with him, that if I start out by doing what he's ok with then it will completely shut the door for us to reexamine this later and he will accuse me of trying to move the goalposts.
So basically, 1) what would you do? Would you compromise and be a unicorn chaser in this situation, hoping that he loosens up later on? 2) Any tips for how to help a mono person be less threatened by sharing? He said even light flirting or a coffee date were totally unacceptable. 3) Do you think, based on your experience, that he is coming around or is he just telling me what I want to hear again? I have considered forcing the issue (I'm going on a date tonight, how you respond is your choice) but I'm not sure if it's that dire yet. He said before that he would never leave me because of my polyness, but I know he'd be hurt. Other options?
Anyway, I know it's a mess. Thanks for any insights.
The background: I have identified as poly for pretty much all of my dating life, and my husband is mono. I told him before we became official that I was not looking for a monogamous relationship and he said that he was willing to open up but wanted to be exclusive for a while. Basically, that never happened. About 9 months into our relationship I met a guy I was interested in and told my husband (then boyfriend) that I wanted to start dating. At this point we had been talking engagement and he asked if I could wait so that he wasn't "just another boyfriend". So we waited. A few months later we were engaged. I started feeling nervous about the situation and made it clear that i had no desire to be in a monogamous marriage, but he reassured me that we would open up after the wedding. About a year after that we were married. On our honeymoon he broke down and told me that he would never be OK with opening up. I was incredibly resentful for quite a while, but have recently started bringing it up again.
At this point we have had many fights and a handful of productive discussions about the subject. We have started making progress, but it is raising a whole new set of issues. He says he would be OK with what is essentially unicorn chasing: a triad where we have threesomes and some dates with a girl but nothing outside a casual relationship. I have tried to explain to him why this isn't very realistic but he doesn't see it. Also, though I have had sex with women before I consider myself mostly straight and would want to date a man. Forcing a triad is not appealing to me at all: I am interested in an open relationship where we both date independently, but he won't even discuss it. I have tried to talk to him about what he's feeling, but he doesn't know why he's so strongly against it and isn't really interested in thinking about it. I am afraid of compromising with him, that if I start out by doing what he's ok with then it will completely shut the door for us to reexamine this later and he will accuse me of trying to move the goalposts.
So basically, 1) what would you do? Would you compromise and be a unicorn chaser in this situation, hoping that he loosens up later on? 2) Any tips for how to help a mono person be less threatened by sharing? He said even light flirting or a coffee date were totally unacceptable. 3) Do you think, based on your experience, that he is coming around or is he just telling me what I want to hear again? I have considered forcing the issue (I'm going on a date tonight, how you respond is your choice) but I'm not sure if it's that dire yet. He said before that he would never leave me because of my polyness, but I know he'd be hurt. Other options?
Anyway, I know it's a mess. Thanks for any insights.