Mono has moved out. After a week or more of me living with his stuff, he is finally gone. The place echoes without him here and I find myself with mixed emotions. Tonight I was angry for the first time. I paced around, did chores and threw things... yelled at my dad and tried to entertain myself. I came downstairs and stood looking at the door that leads from one part of the house to the other and blew up. FUCK YOU! How many times have I stood there and knocked, respecting his privacy before walking in? I should have walked in and helped him with his videos, cock-shot videos he was sending to random women on various dating sites and around town, some of whom live in my neighbourhood! Who does this shit to people?! What utter disregard and disrespect for everything about me!
I have spent hours going over the memories and good times, only to come up with: it was all a joke and a game to him. His control was everywhere and I didn't see it! I have done so much reading on narcissism now and spent many hours contemplating my role in all of this and all I can see are the red flags that I chose to ignore, due to his gaslighting. I can see it all now-- years of being whittled down to believe that all I needed to do was trust him for his word, and that it was me that was crazy to have gut feelings that didn't match what he said.
I have been working hard to ignore myself and get to a place where the suite is rented. I have a mortgage. I have the place to myself and can sit and take all of it in and allow myself to be completely overwhelmed so that I might rise again. All while he merrily goes on his fucking way with his new girlfriend, his instant family solidly by his side, petting his head and telling him, "It's okay. They are all crazy and I know you better... This is your new lease on life and I will save you." FUUUUUUCKKKK!
It just isn't right.