Losing the Battles so I can win the war....

I hate to say this, but it does not sound like your marriage is ready for poly.

The prevailing wisdom is that a relationship must be strong and healthy in order for either partner to become involved with someone else, otherwise the existing problems will get worse and not better.

You and your husband need to work things out within your OWN relationship before EITHER of you can be in another.

It sounds like swinging was working alright for the both of you. Is there some reason you can't simply go back to "just sex" with other partners?

deep sigh... I doubt my husband will ever be ready. truthfully. Our relationship is good.. it's the husband that's not. B just has to many issues... and this makes me so very sad.. because I would never want to have J as a primary. I would never want to be mono with J... I could easily be Mono with B... but he opened this can of worms and let me explore and now he wants to snap the lid shut and hell yeah I'm MAD.

we had a swing party last weekend... and he realized he no longer likes that either... so just sex with others won't work.... and truthfully I always needed a connection to folks so I was never a very good swinger...

sadly there is no fixing of B. He won't do the work.
 
Have you shown your hubby what you have written here? The good AND the bad?

Let him read it, know where your head and heart are at.

Sometimes we can tell them, preach at them, that we aren't going any where. We will still be here when they get home from a date (or us come home from a date) & they absolutely will NOT see the truth of it until it is proven over & over again.

Sometimes they just need to be told in a totally different way than what we've been using to tell them these things.

You've proven to him, at least in my eyes, that you will come home after a date, that things can be even HOTTER between the two of you BECAUSE OF this relationship with J.

This may not be a winnable war, unfortunately :(. I think you already know in your heart of hearts what your decision will be in this.

Unless you want to see B continually in pain you need to make that decision and stick with it.

Many hugs.
 
Have you shown your hubby what you have written here? The good AND the bad?

No. he is not GREAT at reading... I told him about this place but he's just currently shutting down on me....

Let him read it, know where your head and heart are at.

I have told him but i will ask him if he wants to read it... if he says yes I will show him. I love B so much... It kills me that I want (and maybe NEED) to do something that is hurting him so badly....

Sometimes we can tell them, preach at them, that we aren't going any where. We will still be here when they get home from a date (or us come home from a date) & they absolutely will NOT see the truth of it until it is proven over & over again.

and that's really what I want from B the chance to prove it over and over. Sadly my dates with J are LONG because we are 2 hours apart... so if I get tired I will stay... but I will always come home to B.... that's a given.

Sometimes they just need to be told in a totally different way than what we've been using to tell them these things.

I have this weird thought that I would like J to tell him these things too... but I don't think that will help.

You've proven to him, at least in my eyes, that you will come home after a date, that things can be even HOTTER between the two of you BECAUSE OF this relationship with J.

I would think so too.. but clearly not yet

This may not be a winnable war, unfortunately :(. I think you already know in your heart of hearts what your decision will be in this.

i know and it makes me SO FUCKING SAD... I want to cry at the lost chance to play this out with J... it's so not permanent with J... but it could be such fun for me... I know my choice is easy... it's not even something I have to think about. B comes first. But I will be mad and I will be angry and I will cry. and that still will hurt B. He wants me to just walk away from J and NOT CARE about him... and I can't. While I don't LOVE J I do LIKE him... a lot.. .and I care about him and I worry about him...

But I will walk away if B needs me to and eventually get over the hurt... I would have to probably not go to the gaming cons any more. I could not risk seeing J.

Unless you want to see B continually in pain you need to make that decision and stick with it.

Many hugs.

thanks. I can tell you that knowing B this is so far from over....

If I tell him I will end it with J he will be upset with me.
IF I tell him I will NOT end it with J he will be sad and hurt..

I can't win.
Maybe I just need to tell him nothing for a while... and let things keep on rolling. J and I have no plans to meet again till January 8th and that's for the day I already told him I could not spend the night...
 
Maybe you (the three of you) should take a breather. Choose to table these discussions for a few days, to give B a chance to regain his equilibrium some, and give everyone a chance to get a breath.
 
Maybe you (the three of you) should take a breather. Choose to table these discussions for a few days, to give B a chance to regain his equilibrium some, and give everyone a chance to get a breath.


deep sigh... I just came from seeing B at lunch. IT DID NOT GO WELL!

I told him I would end it with J. and I meant it. and he told me that he can't ask me to do that because he wants to still be in the lifestyle (swinging) because he likes watching me and what kills him is that J does not like that and wants me alone.

So I told him fine. We can be in the lifestyle and I'll end it with J but I would like to still go see him on the 8th to end it face to face that he deserves that...

we were screaming at each other.
he said he would go stay at his mothers till I was over J. he said I should go sleep with him and get it done.

I told him I could be friends with J without sex and he said "but you WANT it and that's the difference I don't WANT sex with my women friends".... (it's paraphrased but that's the gist of it).... so I told him I would end the entire friendship with J... and he will not let me. he says if I don't do this thing with J that is killing him he will leave me....

The man needs therapy. I can't fix him. And I don't dare talk to J about any of this at this point because by the time we get home B will have changed his mind yet again.
 
the other thing i need to add is that B has many women friends that he talks to emails, ims and texts with DAILY... and he thinks that's ok since while they want to have sex with him he doesn't want to have sex with them... and he does not want to give those friendships up.

but i can't be friends with J because I want to sleep with him even though I said I would not...
 
The man needs therapy. I can't fix him.

This x 1000.

He needs someone who is not IN his life to put this into perspective. It does not have to be like this. He is doing nobody any favors by jerking you back and forth:

"Yes I want to be in the swinging lifestyle / No I don't want to be in the swinging lifestyle"

"Yes I want to get spontaneous blowjobs from my female friends / No I don't want to have sex with my female friends"

"Yes I want you to be yourself and have other relationships / No I can't handle sharing your attention with another man"

Etc. Etc.




This is starting to wear thin on me, so I can only imagine what it must be like for you. There are trained professionals who get paid GOOD MONEY to make this bullshit their life's work.
 
the other thing i need to add is that B has many women friends that he talks to emails, ims and texts with DAILY... and he thinks that's ok since while they want to have sex with him he doesn't want to have sex with them... and he does not want to give those friendships up.

but i can't be friends with J because I want to sleep with him even though I said I would not...

yes I am quoting myself because as I expected I just got a text from B...

" don't end it with J. I won't forgive myself if I take your fun away"

I really need a head banging smiley.
 
I really need a head banging smiley.
Here ya go!

smiley-bangheadonwall-yellow.gif


But that looks like it hurts, so my wish for you is that it turns to this:

smiley-dance013.gif
 
Here ya go!

smiley-bangheadonwall-yellow.gif


But that looks like it hurts, so my wish for you is that it turns to this:

smiley-dance013.gif

Thanks Cindie!

It just goes from bad to worse to almost comical...

I had to text J and WARN him that B is on an insane texting warpath threatening and I quote: “he win I lose no hard feelings and I hope he can make you happer than I ever did” and NOT to engage with him.

I can't WIN here.

I am going to have end the relationship with J. more because it's not fair to him to have this insanity in his face too. It's bad enough I have to deal with it.

I never ever would have done this if B had been honest with me back in November.

this is so hard. I don't WANT to end it with J... :(
 
I would highly recommend you toss your phone in the garbage and stop texting important information. Intonation, concern and sarcasm get badly lost in text. I "try" to make it a point to never have important discussions over text. :)

I never ever would have done this if B had been honest with me back in November.

Some people just don't know until they are in it, fact of life. Sometimes we end up in situations we may have "wanted" but then couldn't in fact work with. Ideally everyone is adult enough to figure it out. Pull up the pants and move on to fix, or end it.

B loves you, he probably really wanted to try, and will keep fluxuating...poly isn't easy, it takes work. If one person in the grouping ends up giving up, then things fall apart. As long as everyone is invested and is willing to put in the work or have patience. Things can work out in the end.
 
I would highly recommend you toss your phone in the garbage and stop texting important information. Intonation, concern and sarcasm get badly lost in text. I "try" to make it a point to never have important discussions over text. :)

thankfully J is not a texter. B I know him... this is word for word what he would say to me face to face. B is being insane. He's overreacting and he's acting badly. I am totally embarrassed by his behavior. When it's just the two of us and he's an idiot i'm ok... but to bring J into this... NOT FAIR to J.

Quote:
I never ever would have done this if B had been honest with me back in November.


Some people just don't know until they are in it, fact of life. Sometimes we end up in situations we may have "wanted" but then couldn't in fact work with. Ideally everyone is adult enough to figure it out. Pull up the pants and move on to fix, or end it.

I know... I get that. and I know he wanted to let me. He still WANTS to let me. IF he could GIVE me an action to take that he would accept that would make him happy I would do it. But NOTHING I have offered is acceptable to him. NOTHING.

I offered to end it totally with J. NO GO
I offered to just be friends with J NO GO

The ONLY thing that B keeps saying is I should go and be with J because that will make ME happy. He can't seem to deal with what we need to do to make him happy. IF he insists on my being with J then I will do it. If I can't win with B I might as well be with J.

B loves you, he probably really wanted to try, and will keep fluxuating...poly isn't easy, it takes work. If one person in the grouping ends up giving up, then things fall apart. As long as everyone is invested and is willing to put in the work or have patience. Things can work out in the end.

I keep trying to tell him Let's not talk about it now... he won't stop. I felt bad having to warn J but what else could I do?
 
The ONLY thing that B keeps saying is I should go and be with J because that will make ME happy.

When my husband starts making irrational statements, plans and/or accusations I ask him for details on how he is going to carry out said plan and it tends to bring him back to reality. My first question would be why he is trying so hard to get you to leave?

It does sound like he might need to be evaluated for depression and a good marriage councelor would be very useful as well.
 
When my husband starts making irrational statements, plans and/or accusations I ask him for details on how he is going to carry out said plan and it tends to bring him back to reality. My first question would be why he is trying so hard to get you to leave?

It does sound like he might need to be evaluated for depression and a good marriage councelor would be very useful as well.


He is already on wellbutrin for depression. as for marriage counseling.. he won't go to counseling marriage or otherwise.

I am not sure why he wants me to leave him... He is my third husband... I am done with ever getting married again... if he wants to leave he can. I will help him pack. I'm tired of this with him... to be honest.. it's MY house. I support us... he's never leaving me. he'd have to move back in with his parents which is where he was... I so love B I do. for so many reasons. but this insanity has to stop.

If he can't deal with my having a relationship with J then he should be ok with my offering to end it right?

but he's NOT!
 
He is already on wellbutrin for depression. as for marriage counseling.. he won't go to counseling marriage or otherwise.

Then I seriously wouldn't rule out some kind of chemical interaction that is fueling his irrationality.

If he can't deal with my having a relationship with J then he should be ok with my offering to end it right?

but he's NOT!

That is rational thinking, but he is not in a place to even process logic right now.

When I started asking my husband for exact details (his plans, what he would do to make it happen, etc) of a situation he was insisting on, he froze and started to realize what he had really been accusing me of. He hadn't been thinking beyond his own pain and was lashing out.
 
He is already on wellbutrin for depression. as for marriage counseling.. he won't go to counseling marriage or otherwise.
Ecch, I hated Wellbutrin. After a while it lost its effectiveness. This is common, I have read.

Perhaps he should try a different antidepressant, or have an adjustment in dosage. My cousin tried about six different meds before she found one that worked for her. I am on Prozac now, and my shrink wanted to change meds but I expressed concern about weight gain, so he decided to up the dosage of Prozac since I've still been able to lose weight with it (I'm in a weight loss program and have a goal to reach). Anyway, I monitor how I'm feeling, and if the higher dosage doesn't do it, then I will change meds. It's important to do that. I know a few people who have been happy with Celexa.
 
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It's time to talk to his health care provider, psychologist, or whoever is prescribing his medication. It is possible his over-the-top behavior is a bad reaction to meds, or that the meds are making a bad situation worse. And the bariatric surgery (and the changes that come with that) may also be playing a role. Time to talk to the professionals. For his safety and well-being.

And as for counseling: you don't have to wait for him to agree to go. Go without him; it will be good for YOU. And he may follow your lead. Especially if he sees it's working.
 
Thanks everyone... I appreciate it.

I've had years of therapy and I know what's going on with me. B has ALWAYS had this reaction to things. NOTHING new about HOW he's reacting just WHAT he's reacting to.

It looks as if we won't be doing Poly EVER... he can't deal. It also looks as if we are leaving the lifestyle (at least for now)... truth be told I don't mind leaving the lifestyle... but I'm truly sad that he's too afraid to try Poly. I don't dare approach it as he can be mono but I need to be poly. he can't deal with that...

Last night his behavior was so bad, was so manipulative, was so over the top when he asked if I loved him I really wanted to say no... He cannot deal with the thought of my sleeping with J. He has said he no longer feels the desire to be with other women either. But he's ok with us having close friends of the opposite sex.

And I'm ok with that. I'm not sure how J will feel about it since the whole original premise of our relationship was NSA sex... and yes it's morphed into something else. J considers me a sounding board and a friend and a confidant. J has said he's willing to wait for sex... he may have to wait a long long time now... Since neither J or I think lying is acceptable we won't do anything we have to lie about... as much as I would like to....

Sadly I realized I DO NOT want to give up even my friendship with J and B thankfully is OK with that... the problem for me is I don't dare explain to him that the friendship is more of a threat to B than the sex is. I guess since I have permission to be friends, it's not emotional cheating... but yet it is....

I brought this on myself... I did. I needed to keep things to myself and let it play out... lesson learned. I share everything with everyone and wear my heart on my sleeve in neon for all the world to see including B and he's hurting because of it.

He told me that he had a dream last night that he walked in on J and I having sex at our yearly convention and we turned and looked at him and laughed and said "ha we've been doing this since the day we met"... I have no clue if it's true but even if it's not he's thinking that... and it's not true. J and I have not shared so much as a kiss... well not a deep kiss...

I appreciate that B is going to try to move forward in learning to trust me and let me spend time with J... which still will involve my going up to see him and perhaps staying overnight... thankfully B trusts me enough to know a promise is a promise... and I won't break that promise.. so while I can see J and be friends (and being friends includes cuddle buddies for some weird reason THAT is ok)... I can't fully love or commit to J as more than a friend... and not even a friend with benefits...
 
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