Mom, Where are we going? Crazy dear.

Numina

New member
I've been a non-member lurker of this site for about 5 months. As a private person going through some tough emotional times I had not felt up to starting a blog. Then I stumbled on BaggagePatrols excellent blog. Reading through her journey, and identifying with parts of it has made me decide that starting my own blog would be to my benefit. So here goes:

DISCLAIMER:
First off I have read a lot of negative things about couples "unicorn hunting" and while in a nut shell that maybe all some people see in what we were attempting. We went into this situation with a much more open minded approach then what I have seen described in such a negative light. So give me time to put the basics out there, and get my story together before assuming that we are unicorn predators. ;)

As this is meant to be a blog of my Poly journey I'm not actively seeking advice; however advice is welcome when it is constructive. Tone of voice can not be conveyed in text, so consider your words carefully and realize that the emotional state of the reader will put tone of voice to your words.

BLOG:
My husband (call him Airyn) and I were interested in a triad relationship. What we found was a Vee with me as the hinge. Airyn was ok with working at creating a relationship with the woman we found (I'll call her Chipmunk).

NRE is a bitch, we didn't see what really was, and made many many mistakes. All three of us. We decided to work at it and try to make thing work any way. As things progressed the Vee changed, Airyn became the hinge once PIV was available. (Birth control had to be taken care of first)

My only boundary was stepped on multiply times, without the benefit of discussion. All I asked was to not be excluded, to not be left unfulfilled when in a group situation. They were free to be just them, and had ample opportunity for alone time (as in 5 nights/evening a week).

It takes everyone working at communication for communication to be successful. I struggle with talking about how I feel, or even fully understanding how I feel so I can talk about it. So there was trouble there, and I had been (am still) working on it. However I'm not the only one who struggled with communication. Chipmunk rarely initiated communication to talk about how she felt, and shut me down a couple times when I attempted to communicate with her in an intimate (more then just friends) fashion. Airyn is better then either of us, but still has issue with divulging everything that is going on for him. So three people struggling with proper communication. Making mistakes, taking ownership that mistakes had been made, and attempting to work them out and move on. Not an easy situation, but one we had all been determined to make work.

So this journey we have undertaken together, began when Airyn found out that Chipmunk was attracted to me. He got us together to see if there was actually something there. Chipmunk and I hit it off great, and were encouraged to flirt by Airyn. Now I have come to the realization that Chipmunk is not bi-curious or bi-sexual, that she can be called only bi-flexibly. Meaning that she is ok with another woman in the mix, but not interested in fulfilling said woman. For me this is a huge disappointment. As I truly identify as bisexual.

I have told Airyn for many many years that for me there is no difference in being with a woman or a man. The emotions, the physical response is the same. That if he is going to feel threaten by a dude flirting with me, he should feel the same when it's a women. He understand this on an intellectual level, but for him it is easier to be ok with me and another women. So there is an OPP (one penis policy) in place. Since I'm interested in women I have no problem with that.

We are at 5 months with this relationship, and things have changed. Now it's still a Vee but we are no longer attempting to create a Triad. I am no longer interested in pursuing Chipmunk in that fashion. I have told them both this, and that I am ok with Airyn and Chipmunk continuing their relationship. Airyn is not comfortable with me no longer pursuing Chipmunk, and we have talked about me looking for a GF of my own.

To Be continued:
 
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The begining: Part 1

DISCLAIMER: This is coming from a place of sadness and hurt, so take what you read here with a heavy grain of salt. Remember that these are my words, my impressions, and do not necessarily reflect everything accurately (despite my best efforts I can not detach completely). Not all the details are expressed here. Some things may even be out of order.


BLOG:

Where to start?

Airyn met Chipmunk in a college class (she is in her 20's, we are in our 30"). It started as just hanging out with like minded people from this arts class they were taking. Some times Chipmunk was at these get together and some times not.

One time when the location offered alcohol, Chipmunk told Airyn that she was attracted to me. I do not know the exact wording as I was not at the table at the time. So another get-together was set up with less people from the class. At this restaurant there was also alcohol being consumed. At one point I got up from the table, and Chipmunk told Airyn (in front of my daughter Wolf) that she could kiss me. This got Airyn thinking that Chipmunk may be bisexual and open to a poly situation. in a more private moment he told me what Chipmunk had said, that he felt that she would be open to the type of poly relationship he and I had previously talked about. Then he suggested that I kiss her on the cheek when she came back over to us.

That evening went well. Chipmunk responded as if she was enjoying herself. We didn't make out so much as hug, and share a chaste kiss. Mostly she was hanging all over me. We did a lot of talking about the guy (call him J) she was there to see, and about how that wasn't working out the way she really wanted it to, but she was determined to get some kisses from him before going home. She got what she wanted and not long after we each went home.

This evenings events sparked some interesting conversations about poly, about the possibility. Airyn has known about my interest in women for many many years. He has hooked me up with online only GF's in the past, and has often offered me advice on picking up women I'm interested in. In part he wants this for me to experience a woman. Being married, with a kid I have always been unsure how to actually go about making bisexual girlfriends. It's been somewhat isolating. I go through periods of just ignoring my interest, and then others where I indulge (at least in visuals, and fantasies). So Airyn and I talk. It still seems like a fantasy to me, but we decide to hang out with her more and see what develops. Another group restaurant outing later, and we are talking about dinner at our place. I'm not sure who's idea it was now ours, Airyns, or Chipmunks. Either way it became the norm for us to plan "dinner dates" at home. Making themed meals/events. Like our New Orleans night: Gumbo, a red wine, Jazz, and French music. She and I were even planning to get dressed up for the evening. Well that date got canceled by her mother. That's when we find out what her living situation is really like.

So we attempt to reschedule our New Orleans night, several times. What it boils down to. We are able to meet up about once or twice a month with a week to two weeks of planning. The "dates" are only going to have about 5 hours before she has to be home. For us (Airyn and myself) this is depressing. For Chipmunk this is normal, but something that she really doesn't like, and complains to us about. So Chipmunk is coming over to our place here and there for dinner, and movies. She and I do some heavy flirty, and kissing/making out. We (Airyn and I) talk to Chipmunk about polyamory, and send her a link to a poly-positive article to see what she thinks. NRE has me telling her what I see as an ending. She seems receptive, but hesitant. Eventually telling me that she is unsure of Airyn. She and I discuss the possibility of a relationship working out between them if they have more time to get to know each other. That we'd like the opportunity to really date her as a couple. She agrees to this, saying that Airyn is in "the friend box" because of him being married. Airyn and I discuss this issue, and he feels that given time to date that they may find they have chemistry together. We also discuss the marriage issue and how in the future we should introduce ourselves as partners versus married. That the piece of paper that tells the world we are married has no baring on how we feel about each other. As a matter of fact I have told people (and so has Airyn) the were were "married" the day we met.

Typically we set up "dates" during the weekend it's usually the easiest with every ones schedule. But about a week after the above conversation Chipmunk calls me up and asks if we have plans for the day (a Wednesday). As it turns out we didn't so over she comes. Airyn and I pull together a quick gumbo, minus the wine as we were out. Chipmunk arrives, we have gumbo on the stove, and French music playing. She says something about not getting to dress up like we had planned. So I offer to play in my closet with her and see what we can come up with. She trying on an outfit, and shows off to Airyn, who follows us and suggests some specific clothes that he thinks might fit her, and look good. I find them, and Chipmunk and I close ourselves in the closet to change. Airyn is very appreciative of the outfits we have changed into (nothing overt everything is covered very little cleavage, but sexy). Airyn is leaning on our desk with his drink in his hand, and Chipmunk lays down in a very suggestive fashion across our bed. I join her, and then Airyn joins us. The evening progress till we are all really enjoying ourselves. Airyn makes the comment that he would do more then go down on her if she were interested in him. She says she wants it ALL, so out I go for protection. Last minutes condoms are uncomfortable for both parties. We find out that Chipmunk has never had an orgasm, and so the evening ends without sexual release for anyone involved, but everyone still seems happy and at least interested in each other.

Time passes, and she is now talking about a sleep over at our place. She is trying to talk her mother into allowing it, but this doesn't seem to be working out for her. She does come over for another visit in which there is no PIV as it was decided that that should wait, due to condoms being uncomfortable, and Airyn not being sure of his welcome. After this visit Chipmunk expresses regret about the lack of PIV, which gets Airyn and I talking about how she feels about him. As she still hasn't told us much about what she is feeling. I encourage him to chat her up online when ever he can to see how that goes. They had already been chatting, but I was suggesting more intimate communication then they had previously kept to.

At this point Wolf gets informed that we are indeed all three dating. More plans get canceled. We set up a get together at an out door arts event. Chipmunk is planning to meet up with J, and a few friends beforehand. While hanging out with J and friends thing aren't going the way Chipmunk wants, and she starts feeling ignored by J. I offer to pick her up so she can hang out at our place before going to the arts event later in the evening. It's an offer made half in jest that I did not expect her to actually chose. However, she eventually (as in hours later) sends me a text asking me to come get her that she's had enough of being ignored. So I go pick her up and Airyn starts cooking. We have a good few hours together, and then go out to the arts event, and send her home. The next morning we find out that her mother pinged the GPS on her phone at our home, and that she's not going to be able to visit with us any time soon. (This is about 2ish months of dating condensed down to the bare bones)

Some where in those months we talked about looking for a larger home together with space for her to live with us, and a lot of talking about her home life with her mom. What she wants, how long she is willing to live in that environment, and such and so forth. We eventually start suggesting that she move in now, and that we can get a bigger place later.

Once Chipmunk realizes that due to her home life dating us is over she decides to go for it, and we move her in while her family is all at work. This causes the mom to start sending messages to us, her, and many of her friends. Because the phone she had been using was on her mothers phone plan, and because her car was registered to her mom we told her to leave those behind so that they could not report these as stolen. We were still accused of theft; however Chipmunk knew exactly where the "missing" items were located. This caused even more strife between Airyn and I and Chipmunks family. As in we do not like or respect them right now.

Family issues aside: the relationship between Airyn and Chipmunk progresses, and the relationship between Chipmunk and myself stalls. None of us see this at the time though. We all think everything is going well between us. PIV is put off till birth control is out of the way, but there is still a lot of hot sexual action between the three of us. Chipmunk is still talking to J and unsure if she want to make that work or not. We have told her that that is up to her to decide, as we are not expecting her to be committed to just us.
 
The begining: Part 2

Birth control gets taken care of, Chipmunk and i have a girl shopping day, for fun prep before she and Airyn get their first evening alone (and) for PIV. We get relaxing bath bombs, and body lotions, and sexy under clothes. The next evening is all there's and they have a great time. A bit unsure of each other, but both very much wanting to be together. So now there is nothing keeping the sexual hormones at bay, and I find myself a bystander too too often. I talk to Airyn about this, and we agree that no one should be left out (unfulfilled) when the three of us are all together. This discussion is after weeks of pent up sexual tension between the three of us, and is brought about due to my sudden spike of insecurity with how I look, and my desirability to Airyn and Chipmunk.

Sometimes I choose to set up a scenario where the two of them are together, and set my physical want for sex aside, but having no choice or option for my own needs is not healthy over a longish period of time. Still none of us see any real problems with our relationship, it looks like everything will smooth out, and things are going to work well (NRE). Then another weekend comes when I end up in the position as a bystander. Not being offered much of anything. I get to touch, but am not being touched. Later that evening I'm very emotional, feeling very insecure, and unattractive. Airyn try's to console me, but I'm having a hard time explaining how I'm feeling, and what is wrong. I eventually tell him that I feel very unattractive and as if he doesn't want me, and doesn't want to see me naked. He tells me this isn't true and we have a really good talk about my insecurity. We talk more about it the next day when I am less emotional. I explain that it is hard to feel sexy, attractive, and desirable when the people I am making out with are not reaching out for me. This sparks another conversation about everyone being taken care of when we are all together. Again it is agreed that no one should be left out and feel wanting.

During the work week, I'm in bed sleeping by 5pm, as I get up for work at midnight. Both Airyn, and Chipmunk stay up to see me off to work, then they have the bed, and bedroom to them selves. I work 5 nights a week. Chipmunk at this time is work far enough away that getting her to work during rush hour take at least an hour, sometimes more. Typically she had only been scheduled for 3-4, 4-5 hour shifts. So if her start or end time was during rush hour then Airyn and I would have about 2-3 hours of time at home alone. This started stressing me out after about a month of Chipmunk living with us. The lack of time for the dyad between Airyn and myself started really wearing me out, and NRE began receding due (in part) to this lack of time.

So another incident comes up with my one "boundary" being discarded. Wolf is home it is midday, so Airyn tells Chipmunk that it will have to wait till later in the evening. She sets herself in a sexy position across the bed, and it doesn't take us long to join her. Again I am in the bystander position of not being touch, but being allowed to touch. Chipmunk notices that things aren't right with me and asks if I'm ok. I don't respond right away, but basically tell her I'm enjoying myself. Afterwards we are headed out for a bit, and Airyn asks me if I enjoyed having Chipmunk between us (Chipmunk is in the bedroom getting ready to go). To which I tell him that it was NOT ok to be left out again, and walk out the door. I'm getting all emotional and want to forget about my upset and have a good time while we are out. I tell him that I just don't want to think about it. That it is one thing when I set us up in such a way that I'm not asking for anything, but it is another to have that choice taken from me. He tells me that from now on he will leave threesome options up to me. That he won't initiate anything with out me asking for it, or that I will have to initiate on my own. I'm agreeable to this. And so make suggestions in advanced of what I'd like to do, or ask what Airyn, or Chipmunk would like. Chipmunk does not offer suggestions, Airyn does, and things seem ok for a while.

At one point just after PIV first became available between Chipmunk and Airyn, Chipmunk and I attempted an evening just for us. We had our bath, and snuggled in the bedroom. But There isn't much touching forth coming from her. Once she reaches the happy place that has thus far been as far as she gets I come back up and snuggle with her. At this point she tells me she doesn't know what to do with me. I suggest that she does what she enjoys having done to her. Her response, "I don't know what I like." This evening leaves me feel very much rejected, and unhappy. About a week later after many talks with Airyn he tells me that Chipmunk is also feeling rejected, and that I need to talk to her. He gets us together, and gets us talking. I admit that I miss being able to snuggle with her, and that i miss making out with her (we had both been more or less avoiding each other). She says she miss these things to. So it seems we have started repairing the rift our evening alone created. Unfortunately things are never quite the same between us. Her kisses no longer turn me on, and I start realizing that she's just not into me. This hurts as well, and is even harder for me to talk about.

Airyn starts being seriously worried about how I am doing. He sees Chipmunk and I floundering in creating our dyad. He starts talking to Chipmunk about making things work, about how worried he is. He and I talk about how I'm unhappy with how little time and space he and I have to be a couple together. We come up with a few ideas to try to alleviate this issue. Things are obviously not perfect, but we want to make it work, and are trying out different options. The results of Airyns conversations with Chipmunk is this. They are both worried about how I am reacting to the loving relationship that they have between them, and the lack of time I hve to be with either of them separately (mostly this is a problem for me with Airyn). Chipmunk asks Airyn what will happen to their relationship if things don't work between she and I. He tells her that it will not put them in a good place.

One of the solutions Airyn and I try out for getting some alone time is to go for a walk just the two of us. Unfortunately living in Texas and it being summer time it was just too hot. So instead we start spending a couple hours at the end of my day talking in the bedroom together. him sitting beside me while I'm laying down on the bed. We have told Chipmunk that nothing too intimate is going on and that she is welcome to come and go as needed. She does come and go here and there, nothing invasive, but enough to alleviate any concern she may have had with being excluded (I think).

So it is during Airyn's and my walk together in the heat that he tells me about the conversation with Chipmunk about her relationship with me. I tell him that it doesn't really feel good to know that she will only be attempting to placate me to continue her relationship to him. But I think about it a little more, and tell him that it doesn't have to be all that distasteful, that she was hitting on me and that that is why we are here. He agreed that he felt she wasn't just going to be placating me, that she genuinely wants this to work. The next morning (I may have the time line wrong here) he tells me that I should be open and receptive to anything Chipmunk may suggest. That they had talked about her dating me, and that she really wants to spend more time with me. So she asks me out on a date, and we start coming up with plans. Airyn asks me how this felt, and I told him I liked it, that it did catch me off guard even with him telling me to expect something different.
 
The begining: Part 3

Prior to Chipmunk asking me out on a date, I had asked her if she would be ok with me taking Airyn out for a date night. Told her what i would like to be able to do, and that She should feel free to go out that night as well, that Wolf is old enough, and quite capable of taking care of herself. She says that it is ok with her that I want to take Airyn out, but that she doesn't like the idea of leaving Wolf alone for hours.

Eventually I find what I am looking for and start planning a date night to take Airyn out to a drive-in movie double feature. I keep Chipmunk in the loop about the length of time Airyn and I will be gone, and again suggest that she go out for a time. She says she will think about it. This date was planned to be around an anniversary of Airyn's and mine, and gets canceled due to some unexpected medical expenses causing a lack of funds. We reschedule for the next weekend, and I offer to buy dinner from burger house, (a fast food place that Chipmunk has not been to and expressed an interest in). So this time everything is a go, but does not go as planned. Chipmunks work schedule interferes with the timing, as well as the stops made to pick up last minute food, and shampoo, ect. Chipmunk is going out to an arts event with a few friends. She intends to see J, but has decided that she is no longer interested in pursuing that relationship.

Airyn and I leave, Chipmunk is getting ready for her evening out, and Wolf is set up with a couple movies to watch while everyone is out. Airyn and I realize that we have left so late we won't make it to the drive-in on time, so last minute change of plans. We end up at a nice theater watching a 3 hour long movie. We have asked Chipmunk to let us know when our friend arrives so we know when she's headed out for the night. So we get a text about an hour after we expected saying just that the friend is MIA. Airyn has the phone, and has been keeping an eye on it. So now we are sitting in a dark theater, unable to respond due to lack of lighting, and have no idea if she is at the event or at home. This causes some worry and tension for myself and Airyn. We are both distracted with worry.

Chipmunk has a very flirty nature and can get very physically friendly when she has been drinking. Because of this and because the friend she will be hanging out with has been dealing with a crappy end to a long-time relationship, we have asked her to watch how much she drinks. We are asking that she be care not to make our friend uncomfortable, and not put herself in a position with J that will leave her feeling upset later.

The movie is over and as we are making our way to our car Airyn is texting Chipmuck trying to find out what is up. She sends a text saying that our friend is getting her drunk. This worries him so he calls we find out where they are eating and ask about meeting them there. So here I am on a date with my guy going to met up with our girlfriend. Feeling pretty low that my plans went array, and trying to decide how I feel about spending the rest of the evening with our girlfriend instead of just as a couple. I talk to Airyn about this and we decide that we do want to go hang out instead of heading home. We end up having a good time, Chipmuck continues drinking till she is at the point of excessive flirtatiousness with our friend. This causes Airyn to try taking control and getting her flirting focused on the two of us. It almost works, we leave with my date escorting Chipmunk to the car and me walking with our friend.

The results of this being that she is done bothering with hooking up with J at these types of events, but she is still interested in being friends so they send text messages back and forth. Till one night she gets a text from J asking, Don't you love me any more" which weirds her out as they weren't actually dating since he was brushing her off most of the time.

About a week later, Airyn and I are not in a good place together. He has been very distracted over a period of days. This has lead to him not paying much attention to me, but me watching him paying attention to Chipmunk. It has also lead to him being verbal frustrated and taking some of that out on me. Eventually I get tired of these interaction and call him out for it. This causes a huge (heavy) discussion, where he initially shows a lack of understanding, and compassion. Causing me to become more upset and walking out to sit on the swings next door. Airyn follows me and apologizes for being so frustrated and distracted. We talk about how these are things that had always been part of our relationship, that he has always been able to rely on me to be understanding when he's in a foul moody place. In turn I'm explaining that if he were distracted then he should be just as distracted with both of us. I told him that I have not been feeling as though Chipmunk wants to be with me. That her lack of interest, his lack of attention, and him being frustrated with me every time we talk is too much for me to handle all at once. That all this is coming on the heals of having been a bystander in our group interactions too much, and while I'm trying to move past that it's still an unhappy place. So I'm telling him that he can only have one or the other moody tendencies. If he is distracted then he has to talk to me calmly, and kindly. or if he is being frustrated then he needs to pay attention to the small details, like kissing me good morning. In essence I'm asking him to either be nice, or be nice. This results in him feeling that I don't feel secure in our relationship, and has kinda floored him. I tell him that I'm not saying anything new, I'm just getting better at talking about it.

I talk to him about watching him and Chipmunk fall in love, and how Chipmunk and I are still very distant with each other. That we are trying to go out and have a good time, and I'm trying to take each moment and make the most of it. But that having so much negative, and uncomfortable around me, and in front of me is hard. That I need him, I need more time to be with just him, but that I also want more time to be with just Chipmunk. That I want to repair the rift she and I created by trying for too much to soon. He tells me that we should go out and have a good time, and that we should be sure to plan more outings just the two of us.

For Chipmunk and my date we go out and have Airyn drop us off so we can drink, and not worry about getting home safe as he will be picking us up. She is disappointed that the location she pick out is dead, as in we are the only customers, but we try making the most of it. We have a good time, and some good conversation, but have not gotten enough for the amount of alcohol we drank, and call Airyn up to come get us earlier then we had intended. All in all it was a good night, with a few road bumps that we worked around.
 
Time passes

So time has moved on, and things are somewhat evenish. As in nothing much has changed in the relationship status. Airyn is sorting out how he feels about my insecurities with him, and with Chipmunk. and we have all talked about how things are not going in the direction Chipmunk and I had originally intended. Chipmunk and I talk about just finding some close somewhat intimate balance between us. Something that we can both be happy with, and not find ourselves being uncomfortable when the three of us are together.

More time passes, and thing with Chipmunk and I are still at this stalled place. We talk, and chat like friends, we kiss, hold hands, but there is still no interest (as far as I can see) from Chipmunk in touching me during sex. This becomes a disappointment for me. I talk about it some what with Airyn asking for dating advice, and asking him where to go for more threesome ideas. That since Chipmunk doesn't seem interested in touching me and exploring my body I'm not sure what I want to do when the three of us are together. He offers some good advice about a porn site that has clean sensual videos, and suggest that we consider watching some together. Telling me not to expect things to move towards sex, but to go with it as a fun intimate time to gather ideas together. So I shyly attempt to breach this idea with Chipmunk. I'm telling her that I'd like to try watching some adult content movie together, that I had talked to Airyn about threesome ideas, and he had suggested some videos. She looked shocked, and when Airyn came in the room and went to offer her kisses, she dodged him and told him she was mad at him. This confused me, and ended my attempt at this conversation. In stead of pursueing this as if she would be interested in watch porn with me I tell her that I came to Airyn for ideas, that I had asked him what to do, where to go, that I was looking for intimate things for she and I. I'm attempting to tell her that we would have been watching sensual videos, and nothing to raunchy, or degrading as those don't interest me. Her only comment was a very uncomfortable, "I don't watch porn with other people".

I am hurt, disappointed, and I realize from her reaction that she has not been asking Airyn about how to date me. This upsets and confuses me. I ask him about it and he says that they really haven't had the time. So I point out that he and I are finding time for me to ask dating advice and that we have only 8-10 hours a week of alone time. He tells me that he felt it was kinda weird that she got mad at him for that, but that he think I may be taking it more seriously then it should be. That she may not have been serious about being upset, just trying to make light of the issue. But I'm still feeling hurt so he presses me to talk to her about it. I tell him that there's no point in saying anything when she has made it so clear that she's not interested.

The next week I hear from Airyn that Chipmuch has asked him to get a certain porn movie for her. I don't comment other then to clarify what type of movie it is. Chipmunk never says anything to me about it so I assume it is for just her. A couple weeks later, I'm at work and texting with Airyn and find out that Chipmuck is watching this porn. Airyn tells me, "We are watching that porn she asked me for, it's quite good actually." So again I'm feel hurt and rejected, and find that I don't know how to talk to either of them about this. So I just put it away. Deciding I don't want to think about it.

More time passes, and Airyn and Chipmucks mutual artsy class has a sensuality assignment. I offer to be their model. at first this seems good. Airyn gets some things he needs, and then uses Chipmuck for some of what he needs. During this time Chipmunk is not suggesting anything for me to help her with this assignment. They are down to crunch time, and I ask her if she has any ideas. She says no, so I offer a few, but we end up sitting on opposite sides of the bed, me not able to look up while she tells me that it's nothing against me. She just doesn't do posed people, she prefers candid for other people and posed for herself. I'm hurt, and left feeling unattractive, but I'm also trying to be understanding. She has a certain way she wants things to be in her art, on an intellectual level I can understand that. So I try to put the feelings of rejection aside.

Sort version: Chipmunk is feeling that having an intimate relationship with me is being forced on her. I'm feeling that all my attempts at a more intimate then "just Friends" relationship are being refused/shot down. I'm feeling rejected. I'm talking to Airyn about this, and I think so is Chipmunk. He sits us both down together, and tells us how similar we are, some of the things we have in common. That we have both be running from creating each other scared, and he's watching thing flounder between us. He tells us that we don't have to "be lovers" but that we should work at being more then just friends. Chipmunk and I are giggling at our own foolishness, and agree that we both want this to work.

Things between Chipmunk and I are still not moving beyond slightly more then friends. And I start really asking myself why. During this whole thing I have been reding these forums, the Master Thread, some of the blogs. Trying to see how other poly relationships work, looking for ideas, and good advice, but not actually asking any questions. The more I read, and think about how I feel, and what I want I find that I'm figuring out the situation.

I want to be with a women who is interested in exploring another woman's body, who's comfortable with their own sexuality. Once I realize that Chipmunk isn't comfortable with her sexuality I start looking at where we are. I realize that she is not bisexual, that she's not truly even bi-curious. That she might be called bi-flexible, as in she is ok with a woman in the mix, with a woman touching her, but not ok with touch another woman (outside of kissing, and hand holding). This is very disappointing for me. But I want to find a way to make our current living arrangements work. So I figure out that what I want from Airyn is 2 days a week, and at least one weekend a month of alone time.

I tell him this and I tell him that I don't see a way to make that happen with Chipmunk living in our tiny space. So this request can not be fulfilled, but at least what I want is known. Less then a week later I tell Airyn that I'm no longer interested in pursuing an intimate relationship with Chipmunk, but that it is ok that she is his girlfriend. That the problem now is that he and I still have very very little time to be just us, and that I really really do what what I asked for. That this will leave plenty of time for him to have a girlfriend. He reminds me that our lease is up in 5ish months, and asks if I can wait it out till then. That he feels asking Chipmunk to move out will alienate her, and will be like us breaking our promise to help her out of her home life with mom. I tell him I'm willing to try, and he asks if he can tell her. Say that it will be a relief to her, and that it might make a relationship between she and I easier. That I should burn any bridges, and that I should stay open to the possibility.

Chipmunk is told while she is at work and say pretty much the same thing that it's good to hear, that it will make things less "forced" between she and I. I tell Airyn that thing should not have felt forced, we are in this relationship because she expressed an interest in me, and then I get sad, and ask him to cuddle telling him that It feels like I'm breaking up with her. He tells me that I'm offering her comfort, and security and that I should be happy, and not sad about it.
 
Closing in on Today: Part 1

The night/evening ends with us all feeling some relief. Me because Airyn isn't upset that I'm done with Chipmunk. Chipmunk because I'm not requiring an end to her relationship with Airyn. Airyn because I'm ok with him having a girlfriend, and that I'm willing to try to make things work with what we have right now.

The next morning, I join them in our shared bed, for a nap after work. When we get up, Chipmuck asks Airyn to scoot over, he asks why as she has never asked this before. Always in the mornings Airyn is in the middle with me and Chipmuck snuggling on either side of him. She tell Airyn that she wants to snuggle. Puts her self between Airyn and I and puts her arm around me. I hold her hand, but I start getting upset and emotional. I'm upset because she has not wanted to touch me, has not offer to cuddle with me. That for the past 2 months the only times she and I have snuggled are when I have asked her to. Even then she had sometimes brushed me off.

Its obvious that I'm upset, and Chipmunk gets up and heads to the kitchen for coffee. Airyn asks me whats wrong. I can't say anything right away, but end up telling him that I want things that I can't have right now. The conversation gets more emotional, and heated. I end up telling him that I am ok with him having a girlfriend, but I'm not ok with her living with me. I'm not ok with her sleeping in my bed. I'm not ok that his girlfriend is keeping me from having the things in our relationship that I want, and need. I tell Airyn that I'm tired of being in a relationship where one person doesn't want me, and the other doesn't have time to be with me. That even when he and I are alone, he's not present with me. That I can't even complain about it cause we both do that. We both worry about Chipmunk, and how she's feeling, how my hurt is effecting her emotional situation. We both watch for her call, we watch the clock to see when we have to leave to go get her from work. That this is not Quality time for us.

I'm getting angry and telling him that I have been right. That these past few months she has just been placating me in an attempt to keep her relationship with him. That it was never real, that her deciding she wants to snuggle after two months of showing her lack of interest is very harsh. Airyn is just trying to calm me down, and get us to a better place so we can all go about our day. I tell him that I'm not kicking her out, but that this can't last. He reminds me that we'll be getting a bigger place in a few months, and that it will be easier that the things I miss, that have been put on hold between us will be there when we have the time and space. I tell him that I have never been good a waiting.

Airyn tells me that I should look for a girlfriend of my own, that even if its just some one to hang out with it might help me feel less uncomfortable, and that I should look for a real girlfriend that he's not comfortable continuing a relationship that has be come so one sided. That we got into this relationship together. That part of why he was so quick to jump at this was so that I would get the opportunity to experience a women. I tell him that I've been thinking about that over the last couple days. That I haven't decided how I feel about that, but that I'm considering it. I told him that I'm not sure I'm comfortable spending time building a new relationship when I'm not getting what I need out of my relationship with him. He asks me to think about it. He tells me that it is ok with him, as long as it's a girl friend.

Since I have been on the site so much I know that this is an insecurity on his part, and I point that out. That everything he has said to me about why he can't accept me with a guy, I can say right back to him and call it a one pussy policy. That the only reason this is acceptable to me is because I do want a woman, and that as long as I get what I need from him I won't feel the need to look for a man. I tell him that in essense he has asked me to be comfortable and secure in my relationship with him to be ok watching him with a woman, seeing him fall in love with her, but telling me he is not as secure as he expects me to be.

He spends several hours thinking about that. He knows that I'm not asking to be with another man, that I do want to be with a woman so his OPP is ok with me. He comes back and says that it may be insecure, but that he would not be comfortable with me being with a guy. That if I came to him and told him that the only way he could continue his relationship with Chipmunk was for me to be able to date a guy he would end his relationship with her. This worries me, but I can't say anything. I don't want to make things harder for him or for Chipmunk. He's just given me a way to destoy everything. To put an end to this situation. Even though I do what more space, and I do want her to be able to move out on her own, I don't really want to come between them. I don't want to create resentment. I want what happens in their relationship to be between them, to be controled by them.

The day ends up being very stressful for everyone. There doesn't feel like any resolution. To make matters worse this is the day that I have kept Wolf home from school. Her birthday was Saturday. And our plans for that day didn't go so well. I was making her a cake from scratch including the icing. Well we forgot some things when Wolf and I went out to get the supplies we needed, and had to go back out for birthday candles. She and I joked about it, and were being silly together. Then when I go to frost her cake, the frosting bowl ends up upside down on the kitchen floor. So I'm stressing out, I have to go back out and get more things to remake the frosting. Wolf is subdued knowing that I'm sad and unhappy cause I feel like I'm f'ing things up. She and I talk and I tell her that at least there isn't cake flying all over the kitchen like what happened to my mom. I tell her that story again, and she and I laugh about it. We make jokes, and remake the frosting. I tell her that next year she should ask me to take her to Wholefoods for a cake there. That if I'm going to make her a cake we'll have to do it on a day that isn't her birthday.
 
Closing in on Today: Part 2

So Back to Tuesday. I'm unhappy, and stressed, and this is stressing out Airyn and Chipmunk. We still go out to try to have a good time for Wolf's mid school week birthday stuff, and things end up being disappointing. Airyn warns me that it won't go well, and says he's going to go for a photography walk and will be back later. Chipmunk, Wolf and I decide to try anyway. We get home really late for my work schedule, and are disappointed that Airyn was right. I tell Airyn that we should have just stayed home and gone for a walk with him. I'm even more stressed then before, and not feeling able to sleep, but call it a night as I have about 6 hours before work.

Airyn and Chipmunk have a stressfilled evening after I go off to bed. They talk about the situation, and about her spending time with family this weekend. She is saying that she is changing her schedule to spend Saturday with her mom. This is a continuation of a conversation from Monday that caused a long silence from Chipmunk. Airyn tells her that he's just selfish, that when she has a day off he wants to be able to see her, to spend time with her. That it's ok that she wants to spend time with her mom, he's just sad that she'll likly be gone all Saturday. This cheers her up. But still they have ineffective communication. Where they are talking and she doesn't like hearing his opnions and will stop speaking to him for hours at a time, and not come back to what caused her to be upset.

All of these event cause a lot of stress between them, they go to bed late, and have a disconnect for the third time about sex, and emotions. He's wanting to cuddle, and lose himself with someone he loves, to forget about what has caused him stress, and remind himself that what's important is the person he's with. She's telling him she stressed, and not in any way shape or form up for sex. That to her he's just using her for that release. He's telling her that it's never just sex, just fucking for him. That his emotions are always engaged, and that that can not be turned off. So they fall asleep, upset, frusterated. An hour later she is waking him up interested in sex, and he's even more upset. (I'm hearing these things from them after the fact) He's feeling like what was the difference between now and an hour ago, and is says forget this and rolls over to go back to sleep.

We spend the morning going to school, Airyn unhappy, and uncommunicative, Chipmunk unhappy, and not wanting to talk. I can tell that something happened, but am not given a chance just yet to find out what. After class, Airyn goes to bed. I follow him telling Chipmuck I'm check on Airyn and will be right back. I'm asking if he's ok, and what's wrong. He's saying it's nothing that he's just tired, and is going to take a nap. I tell him I'm here when he wants to talk, give him kisses and go back to the kitchen. I tell Chipmunk that Airyn is going to take a nap. A few mins later she heads in there to talk to him for a minute, and comes right back out. I'm on my PC reading these forums. She tells me about the disconnect, and says she wants to go talk to him. She saying that she would like to make things better, but not sure if talking to him will help. I think about it for a moment, and tell her that it sounds like they really need to talk and work this out between them. I wish her luck in making things better. She heads off and closes them in the bedroom.

I'm messing around reading forums it's really quiet in the house. I can't hear them talking or even the drone of conversation, but I do hear what to my ears sounds like his belt buckle coming off, and dropping to the floor. This freaks me out some what. I'm telling myself that no he wouldn't do that to me, that he wouldn't close up in the bedroom with me in the next room and have sex with his girl friend, leaving me out and not informing me before hand. But another voice in my head is telling me that he's left me out before. I'm so uncomfortable that I decide to get out. So I go sit on the kitchen porch, with my back to the kitchen window. I leave the Big door open, but close the screen. This greatly reduce any sounds that might be forth coming, and puts me where I can be seen immediately.

After a while I decide to check out a dating site that I've read about on these forums. I'm not sure what I will do, but decide that I can make an account and at least check it out and see if it's the kind of place I will feel comfortable meeting people. So I make a login, and start answering questions.

Chipmunk comes out and I ask if things went well, she kinda shrugs and says it'll be ok. So we talk about non-emotional, non-relationship stuff. Just generally being friendly, and even joking around some. Airyn comes out, and Chipmunk goes inside to make food and coffee. It's obvious that she's avoiding him, or maybe just giving him space to vent with me. It amounts to the same thing. Airyn and I are outside talking, and Chipmuck is in the kitchen makeing food stuffs and coffee.

So I hear what happened after they went to bed from Airyn's point of view. I express my understand of what he wanted with Chipmunk. I tell him that she is just young, and does not have that kind of experiance with sex. That if he doesn't talk to her about it she will never understand where he is coming from. Airyn reminds me that this is not the first time they have had this same disconnect, and he expresses his extreme upset, and frusteration over it. He's telling me things I already know about him. That it's always emotions on, that he's not shallow, that no matter how short or extended sex maybe it is always emotionally charged, and that he doesn't like be judged as if he is just "using her for sex".

We move among many subject after this, he is still being very moody and frusterated. He's telling me about the shitty day he had in class, and how he didn't connect with the class over the images they were viewing. How he felt that the rest of the class didn't respond appropriatly to these emotionally charged images. He's also telling me that Chipmunk didn't understand how he felt about the class being all yeah we throw away too much plastic and are soo attached to our technology. Why do they see this, but not see the famine, and abuse that is a constant in so many other locations/countries.

Then I'm talking to him about the dating site I'm sign up to, and how I'm not really expecting anything, but thought I could look over the site, and see how the sites environment feels. He reacts in a suprised fashion. Saying that he didn't see me being comfortable with poly or with finding a girlfriend of my own. I tell him that just because things didn't work with Chipmunk doesn't mean they can't work. And I talk to him more about the things I have learn from reading the master thread. That when I do try again that I'll have boundaries from the begining, that I won't have the same expectations. That I won't be moving any one in. That that sort of thing should be off the table for at least 2-3 years. He's being generally negative and moody, doom and glum. Saying how that would never work it's all or nothing kind of thing. So I tell him that right now he is just emotional so everything looks bad, and negative, and as if it won't work. He tells me that's rich comeing from me considering the previous day. So I tell him that it just shows that I understand that tomorrow when he's less emotional he'll feel differently. That I'm not telling him he shouldn't be upset, just that he is upset, and that what he says now is not really how he feels.

He lets go of the semi-disagreement over what types of boundaries I'd like, and nods that yeah he realizes I'm right he'll feel different tomorrow. But he is still very angry, and isn't wanting to actually talk to Chipmunk right now. He does say that their conversation isn't over and that he will talk to her.

It's bed time again, and again I'm not feeling sleepy. I know I need sleep and I go lay down. When it's becomes obvious that I'm not falling a sleep Airyn comes in the bedroom, we leave the door open so it's obvious we are not shutting Chipmunk out, just sitting and talking. Still Airyn is avoiding talking to Chipmunk. He brings me a night cap telling me it will help me sleep. and I'm talking to him about the new stress that Wolf has brought home with her. She is having trouble with an adult, and I will have to go to the school in the morning to see what I can do about it. Wolf feels that this adult is being rude, so it's nothing physical, just hurtful words. Airyn and I talk more about me looking for a girl friend, about being poly. He warns me that I will have to be careful with him comeing to me over his upsets with Chipmunk. That he doesn't want this to cause Chipmunk and I to avoid each other, or for me to begin hating her over his upsets.
 
Closing in on Today: Part 3

He's talking about still being unhappy over the night before, and saying some pretty harsh things about his relationship with Chipmunk. I'm just letting himtalk it out. We switch back and forth from his stressors to mine. Eventually he offers me a second "night cap" as the first wasn't enough. We talk some, but the alcohol is having it's effect and I'm getting sleepy. So he tucks me in bed saying he'll check on me in a bit. But I don't fall right to sleep, I get up to use the bathroom, and then kinda fall back into bed. So when he comes back to check on my I'm half laying in the bed. This worries him so he makes sure I'm awake, and asks if I'm ok, if the room is spinning. I tell him no, no spinning I just had to pee. He's helping me get under the covers again, and I whisper that I want him. He does his manly surprised giggle, and says, to morrow night babe. So then I'm whispering still telling asking him to turn the fan on and tell him thanks, then I'm asleep.

Time to get up for work, I wake just before my alarm goes off, and Airyn walks in the room with me just sitting up in bed. He asks how I feel, and I tell him that I slept soundly. He's in a better mood. It would seem they did talk things out more, and the stress level is more bare able there is less moodiness. I tell him it looks like they will be ok. and since his less moody, and upset I also tell him that if thing get where I see more negative between him and Chipmunk then I do positive that I'll tell him it's looking unhealthy. That as an observer I know that there is both good and bad in any relationship. I tell Airyn that I understand that he will want to talk more about the bad then the good, but that he can come to me about the good things too.

I take care of Wolf's issue with the school with what resource are available to me. She comes home and has more unhappy news. She is being gossiped about in a very hurtful way. It's the first thing she tels me about when she get home. So I talk to her about what our options are, we plan on going to the school and seeing the principle about the issue. I tell Airyn and Chipmunk what is going on, and vent my ire and frustration over it. Friday morning I take Wolf to school. The response is rather lackluster, and Wolf comes home with me for the day. So another stressful day. Airyn and Chipmunk are at odds over her upcoming day with her mom. She told him Thursday night that they would be picking her up at 9am. Since she takes an hour every morning to get up and ready for her day Airyn cynically comments that she'll have to get up at 7am on a Saturday morning. Which upset chipmunk, so she doesn't talk to him for hours again.

We have plans to go to the Fair after dark that Friday night. While we are out I'm texting with my sister, and being dragged from ride to ride by Wolf. We Wolf some get cotton candy. Chipmunk has been texting her X in another state, and Airyn sees a text she is about to send. All he reads is, our song. He fills in the blanks and decides that she's telling her X that they are playing "our song". I have no idea that this has transpired, but he starts just wanting to go home. So we stop and get a funnel cake and head out. Airyn is walking faster then he usually does when we are all together and is about 3 feet ahead of us, and Chipmunk is walking slower then usually about 3 feet behind Wolf and I. I'm just trying to have a good time with the evening. I know that Wolf had a bad day, and is stressed over school gossip, so she and I are chatting along ignoring Airyn and Chipmunk who are again not talking. I tell Airyn it would be nice to go home, turn on some good music and have a few drinks. He agrees, and I ask him if he's up to driving.

Airyn drives us home everyone takes a turn in the bathroom, and we send Wolf to bed. Chipmunk and I are chatting nothing all that important, but she's talking about family and letting some of her frustration out with out talking about what is wrong. Airyn comes back to the kitchen. turns on some music (like I had asked) it's load which is how we always play it. But this time Chipmunk is unhappy about that cause we had been having a quite conversation. She turns it all the way down, after Airyn turn to the counter to start mixing some drinks. Airyn gets irate with her and turns it back up saying if we want quite to talk to go to the bedroom. She tells me we'll talk about it later, I agree and then ask Airyn what he's doing. He making drinks like I'd asked, and I tell him I wasn't sure he really wanted to. I stand up and tell him to just give me a shot of Tully's (an Irish whiskey that we both like). Chipmunk is in a funk, and I still don't know what is bothering them. She gives su kisses and says she going to bed. I say oh yeah you have to get up early tomorrow (Saturday).

A few minutes later Airyn says he needs to talk to Chipmunk and apologize for yelling at her over the music thing. Off he goes, I finish my drink and get on my computer. When he comes back he tells me what he saw on her phone. About her telling her X that they were playing their song, and how this upset him. I asked if she knew he saw, and if he had talked to her about it. She knows he saw, and they haven't talked. It's just stress for the entire week making a big deal out of something that should have been easy to clear up.

The next morning Chipmunk kisses us goodbye, I ask her to let us know when she on her way home so we know if we should wait on her before going out to our friends house as planned. She says she will be home by 6pm. Which is plenty of time for her to join us. Airyn doesn't respond well to her saying good by, and I ask him if they are still mad at each other. I get no answer and we fall back to sleep. A few hours later we are up and talking about breakfast, but it's late in the morning so we decide to go out for brunch instead of lunch. I talk to Wolf about the change of plans, she agreeable and excited to go to a different place. We have heard good things, but never been to Hank's Black Forest Cafe before. It was really good food, and a beer for Airyn. I can see he's upset still, and I comment that I wish there was something I could do to make him happier right now. But don't say anything about Chipmunk. We all go book shopping at Half Price Books. It is great fun, then home again. Airyn decides to take a nap, and I tell Wolf what's up. I nap a little bit with him, but I'm not so great at sleeping midday, so I spend most of my time on the computer. I know that he's just trying to sleep through his upset, and not take out his frustration on me. A couple hours before we will be leaving for our friends place, Airyn gets up and suggest that we go back out. I say ok, and we decide to get everything we are taking together before we leave so we can just stop by the house grab our things and go. We are making fajitas at our friends, and I'm bring part of the ingredients.

A message from Chipmunk comes in saying she is on her way home. We stay home and wait on her. There isn't much time before we leave, but they go off in the other room to talk for a little bit. They still seem stressed when I interrupt to let them know that our friend is home and ready to start cooking. I apologize for interrupting and tell them to take their time. I message my friend that Chipmunk is getting changed, and that I'll let him know when we are headed his way. They come out ready to go, but still stressed and unhappy with each other. We get to our friends house, and start cooking. Chipmunk is looking for a few ingredients that she'll need to make cupcakes. We are low on eggs, and she needs a few other things to make the guacamole, so Airyn and Chipmunk head to the store. I give them kisses, and whisper in Airyns her to talk to her and come back in a happier mood. My Friend and I get to cooking and preping the meat, and starting the rice. Wolf is setting up the board game we brought to play while we eat. When they get back Airyn tells me it was just a misunderstanding, and he'll explain later. Things are less tense, and we end up having fun with our food, game, and drinks. We leave really late in the night or early the next morning how ever you look at it. Chipmunk has a mid day shift so she goes to bed early, Airyn and I stay up later. Talking quietly, and messing around on the computers.

We go off to the kitchen to make coffee, and he tells me about the misunderstanding. That the auto correct on her phone changes PUT to OUR, that she showed him how this happens. Airyn says that she changed it before sending the message,and that she was talking to her X about a song they both like. That it wasn't anything about "our song" at all. Things seem better, and I tell him that they will be fine. I feel the whole episode is a bit odd, but chalk it up to the stress of the week. Sunday is a non-issue day. Monday I'm up at Wolfs school seeing if I can get Friday changed to an excused absence. I feel that she should be excused due to the stress of being bullied, that a student should not be forced to go to school under those circumstances. Wolf goes to class, she nervous, but willing to give it a go. After dropping Wolf off, I let Airyn and Chipmunk know that I'm taking my computer to the kitchen. That I'm waiting on a phone call. I know they were up late together so i let them sleep. An interesting google search greets me when I open my computer. I read through some of the sites they had opened, and I figure out what happened the previous night. The changing of the bed sheet twice in the same day makes more sense to me after what I've been reading. My First thought is well I was right, she's normal. Chipmunk had her first orgasim with Airyn last night. She had previously talked about it saying that she's broken. I had told her that she wasn't broken, just difficult. That it is normal to have these troubles, and that she'll get there one day.
 
Closing in on Today: Part 4

It's getting close to Noon, so I go wake them up. They both seem relaxed and happy. Airyn asks Chipmunk if she will tell me what happened last night, but she gets shy and embarrassed. Says she doesn't want to tell, but that he can tell me later. I tell her that I may already know. She looks at me strange, and I say think about the webpage you guys left up last for me to see this morning. They think about it and Airyn says well she knows part of it we should tell her the rest. Chipmunk is still uncomfortable and just say wait till i leave the room. I ask a question about the pages they were looking at, get an honest answer, and tell Chipmunk that i can guess what the other part is. She leaves the room and I tell Airyn, She had her first orgasm last night didn't she. He tells me about it. About how she was mild and he didn't really believe it. He told her not to tell him that just to make him feel better, but she was positive, and so very happy and smiling that he was convinced. She asked him to try again immediately, but he told her that's just trying to hard. I hugged her and remarked that now it should be easier. Even if it take a while before she gets there again at least she knows she can and she can stop thinking that she's broken.

So it's confirmed, we all had a happy moment, then it hits me. I WANTED that. I wanted to experience that. I realize that this is a happy day for them, and that I'm getting upset. So I go off to check on our pets, and am working on our snakes cage. Trying to work out why I'm being upset. I'm not interested in pursuing Chipmunk any more. I decide at first that it is because I had always thought we would get there together as a group. and not just the two of them. Airyn comes into check on me. I tell him I just need a minute, and that I'm taking care of our pet. Before he leave I pull him into a hug, and whisper to him that I always thought it would be us. He hugs me back and says a very heart felt I'm so sorry Numina, don't be upset. (Just writing about it makes me sad.) So I get my self together. and we go out for a fun outing around town. We take Chipmunk to a coffee house she's not been to before. We stop in at a Michael's to do some hobbie/craft shopping together. Then off to Target to get some something for Chipmunks Halloween costume, then a store where she can pick out a short petty coat to wear under her costume's skirt. All in all a good day.

That evening I'm talking to Airyn at bed time. And tell him that it's not so much that about thinking it would be a group thing, but that I wanted to get to experience that with a women. That it's right in front of me, and I don't get to. That Chipmunk is't bisexual. that she's not interested in a physical relationship with me. Talking about how hurt I am, and how I want some space and separation. That right now, with Chipmunk and I being broken up I don't want her here. I'm sad, upset, hurt. I'm saying things that I really shouldn't. Airyn is at a loss. He knows how hurt I have been with all this, how I feel that I was mislead. I tell him that it's not really Chipmunks fault. She didn't know that she wouldn't be comfortable, she thought she was bi and she's not. But I am and I really wanted this. Chipmunk has to be up really early the next day so she joins me in the bed. I talk to her. I'm not as upset as I was, but I'm telling her that it's hard for me. That I don't want her going off for a couple hours with her mom when she see me getting sad about the lack of time and space. That what I actually want is a day. A whole day. a couple days a week, and a weekend or two a month. I tell her that it's not her fault that I know she didn't come into this knowing how things would turn out. I also tell her know this does not change how it feel, does not change that it hurts me. I tell her that we have both learned something. She learned that she doesn't want a full on physical relationship with a women, and I learned that I really do. That I'm glad she had her first orgasm that she proved me right she's not broken, just difficult. We kinda laugh at that. Then I tell her that it also makes me sad because I wanted to experience that, but can't with her.

She offers to try again with me, but I tell her no. That I consider myself to have broken up with her. That she's not bisexual, and doesn't want that type of relationship with me. We talk about how we still like cuddling together, and kissing, holding hands. Airyn joins us for a bit. I tell him that she and I have talked. He looks relieved. I tell Chipmunk that these are the thing Airyn and I have been talking about. I tell her that Airyn has always had my permission to share our conversations with her. She tells me that he doesn't always. I tell Chipmunk that this is because he doesn't want to make her feel worse, and that some times he just doesn't know what to say. I explain that when Airyn and I were talk today that he was telling me that he feels like he has to convince her of what he's saying, and that that is hard for him. So while he's in the room I ask if there is anything that I have left out. If Airyn has told her something about my issues that I haven't shared with her. Airyn tells us that it helps when these thing are coming from the source, that sometimes he just doesn't know what to say. I tell her that it's been really hard for me to talk to her because of how hurt I have been. I tell Chipmunk that I have known for a long while that she wasn't bi, but that I didn't want to really see it. That I wanted to keep trying. That I had hoped she could feel differently at some point.

So here we are, Airyn asking me to find a way to make it in this situation for a little while longer. That if the stress level in the house continues as is that Chipmunk will move out, and that that will be the end of his relationship with her. He explains how it would make her less then an equal partner, that asking her to move out will alienate her. He talks about how everyone knows that I'm not happy, that I'm hurt. That we all know I want time and space with Airyn, and that I want space away from Chipmunk. That I'm struggling with the emotions of breaking up. Asking me to find something to reduce my stress levels. He tells me that everyone is unhappy with the way things are. That Chipmunk didn't know herself, that she's upset about how things turned out. That he misses me too, that everything I have said he feels too. That the emotional roller coaster, of being ok for a day, and then being emotional the next is making it harder to just get by. Airyn tells me that he's not just being selfish that he feels really bad that it didn't work the way we wanted. That he was interested his interest in Chipmunk, and his willingness to start this relationship was for me to get time with a woman.

He asks me again to start looking for a girlfriend of my own. Airyn tells me that he is ok with me having a girlfriend and him not being apart of that. That at first he really didn't like the idea, but that it doesn't bother him. That the evening Chipmunk and I tried to have for just us, he was totally comfortable. Airyn say that Chipmunk may not be here long, that she will one day want someone committed to just her to get married, and have kids, and not have to share her partner. That he's ok with that possibility. That I will have a girlfriend and he may not. I tell him that I don't want a relationship with a woman as bad as I want time with him. That I don't feel that what I have asked for is too much. But I also tell him that I don't want Chipmunk to move out if that will end their relationship. That I want what happens between them to be controlled by them. That I really don't mind that he has a girlfriend, but that I really need some separation. That right now I just don't want to see her all the time. That it is hurtful for me. I tell him that when the two of them were out on there own that I was fine, it didn't bother me. They have gone out for different things/reason for 30 mins to several hours. At one time this would have made me sad, and as if I wasn't wanted, but now it doesn't bother me. It does make me sad or upset.

I tell Airyn that I never saw her moving out that way. That what I asked for 2 days a week and at least 1 weekend a month, would leave 3-5 days each week for him to spend with his girlfriend. His comment is that he would still be living with me. That Chipmunk would not wake up and walk in the kitchen to a cup of coffee, or to him laying in bed beside her, but that I would. That this extra distance would make it difficult for Chipmunk, and that it would make her less of a partner. That right now her relationship with him is at my mercy. This just makes me sad. I don't want this to be so. I don't want to be the cause of their relationship coming to an end. I just want a safe place for myself. I have no place that is mine.
 
What has been left out?

What has been left out?

A lot. I've glossed over some of the hurt. I've not talked about the problem Chipmunks emotional state has brought up. That on my days off, when we are out with friends, or have friends over for the weekend she gets moody. That she has repeatedly gotten moody, emotional, needed, and requiring of Airyn's constant attention leaving me feeling left out. That Airyn's desire to help her have fun when we are all out together and she gets moody, leaves me as the odd man out, ignored. That I have commented to Airyn about it (at his request as it was happening) and that it didn't change the situation.

The issue cause by Chipmunks drunken flirting has been a big one. That the last time we were out drinking with a good friend of mine, he had invited another guy over as well. That Chipmunk was all over him, and telling both myself and Airyn that it doesn't matter what she does, it matter who she goes home with. That night I told her, I'm right here. Trying to tell she can take two steps to me, and touch me, and flirt with me. Now she wasn't kissing this guy, but she was hanging on him, and pulling his shirt up remarking on the hair on his chest. Wolf was there she took 300-500 picture that night. When Chipmunk saw the pictures of her touching this other guy, she hugged Airyn and apologized. It was the beginning of their conversation where Airyn tells her that it has to stop. She has to control that, that she can channel that into flirting with one of us. That what she does matters, not just who she goes home with. Since that night she has chosen not to drink as much when we are out, or having friends over.

Who knows how thing will go from here.
There's more, so much more.

So much disappointment, and sadness.
I just want to forget, I don't want to think about it. I can't change my nature any more then Chipmunk can change hers.

So there it is the bulk of my story. Most of the sad parts anyway. There was a lot of good, and I have good things to look forward to. I'm making friends with some women who actually identify as Bisexual. Hopefully I will get to meet up with one soon and chat face to face.
 
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Trying to view things Differently

It's been just over a week since I broke up with Chipmunk.

We talked about it, and she asked to try again with me. I told her no, that I can't, that I see us as broken up.

The next day I told her I didn't want her to see it as a rejection, just that I don't have it in me to date her right now, knowing that she's not into women like that.

Last night I talked to Airyn about it. Trying to understand why.

It started with me bring up my last heavy conversation with Airyn. I told him that nothing he said was wrong, but that he may not have fully understood what I was telling him. That when I say I want 2 days a week and at least 1 weekend a month that that gives him 3-5 day to "live" with someone else. He was quite for a moment. Then he agreed that he may not have truly looked at the amount of time like that. That he was feeling like Chipmunk moving out would really limit how much time he could comfortably spend with her. Then he told me to stop thinking so much about it.

Why do I spend so much energy putting her mental, and emotional health and well being in front of my own. Airyn has done this too, and I get angry with him about it sometimes. He usually responds confused, telling me that I was just thinking/acting the same way, why is it that when he does the same thing I get upset.

I told him that it is because I don't understand, that I feel like I'm less important. That my emotional, and mental health don't matter as much. That I do this to myself, and don't understand WHY? We talked for a long time. Airyn tells me that for him it's not that Chipmunks emotions are more important, but that he feels responsible for her. Because we brought her into this. That we talked her into this, she wasn't asking for it. We told her how great, wonderful, and amazing this life can be. And he feels responsible when things aren't working as well.

Hearing this helped. I realized that that's it. That I do feel responsible, guilty even. That I talked her into moving in, and things didn't turn out how we planned.

Then I told him how rejected I have been feeling, and he's telling me that it's not really like that. That Chipmunk isn't rejecting me. That she does want to be with me, she's just not gay. That she learned that she does want the girl flirty closeness, but that girl on girl sex, she just can't go there. They went out Tuesday to walk around Downtown, and stopped for dinner together afterwards. Chipmunk told him that she is sad, and hurt that I didn't want to try again. Obviously her hurt isn't the same as what I'm feeling, but she is hurt. Airyn told me that he said it's not that I don't want to, but that I know she's not gay. That she can't go as far with it as I want to, Chipmunk acknowledged this while they were talking.

So he's telling me that she's not rejecting me. That I need to let go of these feelings. He's telling me to stop over analyzing the things that make me feel better. To just let myself heal, and feel better. To stop worrying so much about the future. It's not here yet. Just take things one day at a time.

Then he tells me to go back to sleep. That I have to get up in a couple hours and I need my rest. He tells me we can talk about it more tomorrow, that he'll ask me how I'm feeling after I'm done thinking about things. He asked me again to not over analyze. That if our chat just now has help me to just let it be.

I told him that I will try. That I'm just trying to understand how I feel. That sometimes I don't understand what I'm feeling. That this not understanding makes it hard to talk about.

So we are working on it.
 
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Hope in understanding

Time for some positive(ish) sharing.

I'm working on making friends in the bisexual world. I've connected via email, and facebook with a woman who has accepted her bisexuality more the 7 years ago, and has experience other women. She is married and her husband is open to her bisexuality. So they have a poly life, with her not currently dating any one, but with the understanding that she will date women again. she spends time on poly forums trying to prepare herself for the day her husband decides he wants a girlfriend too.

They are not looking for a third so there is not threesome type expectation on either side.
Airyn wants me to met her face to face. They both know that I want to get past my break up with Chipmunk, and that I'm just looking for friendship, companionship, someone to go out to gay/lesbian friendly parties, and locations with. Some one who wants to go out to these places and events cause they have the same wants, and understanding that I do.

Chipmunk offered to go with me to lesbian/bi restaurants, and get-togethers'. But I told her that since it's not a lifestyle she wants that I'd rather not take her. She likes to hold hands, and kiss and we generally look a lot like a couple when we go out just the two of us. So it's really not helpful. And it doesn't give me the separation I feel I need right now. I know she has talked to Airyn about this.

I thanked him just now for helping me work out how I'm feeling last night. I asked him to help me remember these things. That I am important, that I just feel guilty, and am trying to take responsibility. To remind me that it is not rejection, that Chipmunk wants as much intimacy as I am comfortable with, but that she's just not comfortable with sex because she's not gay. Not because she doesn't want me.

I told Airyn that WE need to tell Chipmunk that I'm trying to work through how I'm feeling, and that it's making me really needy of Airyn's time. That I'm not trying to alienate her. I'm just trying to understand how I feel, and to move past my disappointment, and all the difficulty I'm having with breaking up. I told Airyn that I don't want Chipmunk to think that my struggling right now is her fault, or that her being here makes it worse. I really think I can get past this. I just need time, and help.

Airyn says that tell her this will help with her personal stress a lot. I told him that I don't know if I can bring it up and say anything myself. That attempting to do so right now might just make me emotional, and that Chipmunk doesn't need that right now. Airyn offered to show Chipmunk our chat, or to read it directly to her later. I told him that I don't mind her reading it for herself. That as long as she knows it's coming from me, and isn't just Airyn trying to smooth thing over it should help.

Hopfully these next few days will help all of us be closer, and happier.
 
Moving forward, and Meeting new people

So I'm chatting with a couple ladies I found on the poly/bi/gay friendly dating site.
They both know I'm not really looking for a partner right now, but that I'm looking for friendship. For someone I can hang out in the gay community with that won't feel strange when we are out.
Both of the women I am talking to have things in there lives that I can relate to. Both are Married, and bisexual. One has had girlfriends with the approval of her husband. She's not dating anyone right now, and at some point I think she would like to find someone again. We don't live very close, but are looking to meet up for some lesbian parties/get-to-gethers at some point, First though I'd like to meet for coffee or lunch, but our work schedules are very different.

She is a day walker. lol She works a typical 8a-5p shift, and I'm more night owlish. I work the midnight shift, and get home around 7am. So it'll be a weekend hang out thing.

The other lady works from home, but she lives farther away, and we are just chatting though the dateing site, not yet moved to email, or facebook yet. We are not yet talking about anything super personal, she seems a lot more shy, so I don't know how the dynamic with her husband is, or if she KNOWS she's bi or just THINKS she is. I'm not in a place where I can be a third to a couple. I'm not looking for a man, and the whole OPP from Airyn. I may not be looking to actually date, but I'd like friends with woman I could consider potential partners.

Either way it feels good to be making friends that I know understand. I've not really looked at this part of me for a long time. I've been with Airyn since High school, and figured out my interest in woman isn't felt by other woman in my 20's. So This has been very supressed. I never expected to have an opportunity to express this. Having had a mostly failed attempt with Chipmunk, as sad as that has made me, It leaves me wanting more. Can't put the cat back in the bag once it's tasted freedom, so to speak.

Airyn's been really good about this. Really he set me up with the first woman I openly flirted with. It was an online only long-distance relationship (she lives in Alaska, and I'm in Texas). She and I still had lots of fun. Web cam, dressing up, and talking naughty to each other. He's given me advice these last couple years for picking up woman. I've never actually taken the advice, but it was offered. Like I said I never really expected to get this opportunity. We considered something more serious with Alaska, but Airyn wasn't comfortable with Alaska's lack of interest in guys, and was not SURE how he'd feel being excluded (at that time).

Airyn has told me that this poly adventure was more for me then for himself. That Chipmunk was so interested in me when we meet, and so unsure of him. He fully expected that he'd have to work really hard to be even a cursory part of this relationship. He thinks that if our positions were reversed, and Chipmunk couldn't be as intimate with him as with me that he would be ok with it. He says that he doesn't know for sure since this isn't how things went, but either way he never set out for just him and Chipmunk to be dating, for this relationship to be him with a girlfriend, and me struggling.

Airyn believes that a time will come when I have a girlfriend and he won't, and he's pretty positive that he will be ok with that. He say that he wasn't sure about this till Chipmunk and I started going out on our own, and taking time together without him joining us. The first time he was uncomfortable, but as long as he has a heads up even just an hour or two, he's found he kinda likes it. He doesn't feel like he's losing time with me, but that he'll be helping me be who I have always been.

We talked about a lot, and I asked him about sharing our chat with Chipmunk, he told me he had already done that. lol, I had no idea, but I'm kinda glad. We had a good day out together today, and I had no idea she had read our chat. It was a nice stress free morning and afternoon. They had a thing on campus, and while they were taking care of that I was at the library with my computer. So I ordered Chipmunk's b-day gift, something I had pickout for her before we broke up. When they were done we left took Chipmunk to visit with her mom and get her birth certificate. While she was visiting her mom Airyn and I are talking about being hungry, so I suggest that we stop at a little German resturant for lunch. Chipmuck hasn't been, and her family is of German descent, Airyn and I have been there, and enjoyed it. Airyn likes the idea, and says that we shouldn't tell her were we are going, just that we will stop to eat, and that it's kinda an early b-day thing.

So Halloween shopping, lunch, then home for a bit. I re-dye Chipmunk's hair, and head out to pick up Wolf from her after school activity. Wolf is having a better week, and is bubbly with the excitement of practicing for her part in the fall/winter play. I get to bed later then I would have liked, but we all had a good day, I could tell Chipmunk was less stressed, and Airyn was glad to see me feeling better. That night Airyn ferries Chipmunk to a late night work meeting, and we talk some more. In the end I tell him that The break up sadness would probably be easier in this situation if Chipmunk and I didn't care so much for each other. He agrees that that could be part of why I'm struggling to get past this, then he kisses me and says he'll leave me be so I can try to get some more sleep.

I can see his sadness, and the strain the lack of time for us is causing for him too. He's sad that we've had so little time alone this week, and are looking at a long busy family packed weekend with no aloone time for us or for him and Chipmunk. It will be fun none-the-less.
 
Halloween parting this weekend

Halloween is always a big event for my family. We love dressing up and scaring kid, teens, and parents. Normally we'd be headed out of town to create a Haunted Halloween trail through the woods at Airyn's mother's place. It's sooo much fun. We've been hosting this haunted trail for about 8 years now. It's was originally set up between the boy scouts and Airyn's mom for some safe holiday fun for young kids. Now it has grown to the point that high schoolers are showing up to be scared.

It's a big fun weekend. We carve a path through the woods, hollow out sections of underbrush and create scenes, usually we have a base theme for the year. Last year was Children of the corn, so we had corn stalks, a "living" scare crow, there was a request for Dracula to make a come back. So we set up our coffin and had a vampire. Then there was an orphanage area with some young girls playing dead, but moving as people walked by. And Wolf's smashing hit from the previous year, the Spider lair featuring small spiders (young kids dressed in black, with spiders painted on their faces). We added some sudden sound and motion shockers. A body dressing in jeans, flannel, and a ski mask (made of wood logs, and pvc pipes) let lose to Wolf's high pitched blood curdling scream to bang and rattle the chains on a very study gate right beside the walk path.

It was a huge success, The Trail in open Friday and Saturday night for about 3ish hours depending on the length of the line. The second night we saw a lot of the same people coming through from the previous night, and even more making more then one walk through. It's always good when you can scare the older participants. We know they come to the trail to be scared, so when you get that terrified reaction of the older teens hurrying down the path away from you, it is very gratifying. We have had pants soiled, and friends (who know everyone on the trail) get surprised and stumble back off the trail. One year we even had a hayride for the young characters, and the boy scouts. where we had someone throw up. She came back the next year for more scares, and to be a character on the trail again. No one has been traumatised, they all come to be scared because they know it's safe, no one will hurt them, touch them or even get very close. The fear is all in their imagination. We purposefully use natural lighting, tiki torchs, candles, and Jack-o-lanterns so the lights is soft and flikering. And the jack-o-lanterns are anything but friendly looking.

We often set up carnivorous pumpkins, where large pumpkins are eatting smaller ones. and a giant pumpkin king who appears to have torn several large pumpkins apart. then we have the parting pumpkins. With a toxic glowing one (we use opened glow sticks and poor the goop on/in the pumpkin) with warts, I take a ghost pumpkin and turn him into a vomiting pumpkin where multi colored pumpkin guts are spewing out of it's nose and mouse spaces and appear to have hit another pumpkin who has a shocked look on it's pumpkin face. There are several pumpkin scene along the trail, we like to spread them out so that they can be appreciated. :)

Personally I think the younger characters get more scars then us adults. With the crowd being predominatly elementary, and middle school age, those kids seem more scared of creature in there size then of adult sized monsters. One year we had a great unexpected extra scare for a couple groups walking down the trail for the first time. We had a family with several young kids, when the kids are really young we get informed so that we can tone things down a bit, but this one family had one kid who was really scared any way, and was crying and saying he just wanted to go home really loudly. Was great to see the next group of kids looking at this youngone worriedly. Made me think we should set something like that up purposely for next time.

This year we have decided we all want a break. setting up, designing, and creating the areas and costume is very tiring. It's a lot of hard physical work. So this year Airyn's mom is visiting us and we are gonna party out in the city. Friday night we'll be have smore crafted in a friend's fireplace, drinks, home made pizza, and a fun board game (Small World). Loud music, and goofying drunken dancing, and did I mention DRINKING. Saturday we'll be meeting up with some friends at a gay friendly block party. Sadly my group will contain mostly straight people. Sunday will be a recovery day at home with hot tea, coffee, and a warm breakfast. But there is sooo much to do, I'm not sure I'll have time to sit down till Sunday. It'll be a blast.
 
This weekend: Part 1

How did this weekend go?

Thursday: I have been talking about going to the gay block party early with some straight friends from work. at one point I was hoping to meet up with a woman I meet online, but that didn't pan out. She had other plans and it was too late to change them. Friday morning I'm again talking with Airyn about going early as I'm still undecided. He asks why I'm going early, what the point it, and why not stay with him and his mom. I tell him that really it was just to participate in the gay community, but that since I would be going with only straight people, own of whom may act shocked/surprised at what he sees, that I'm not really feeling it's worth it. So in the end I'm talked into staying home, and going with Him, Chipmunk, and my MIL.

Friday my MIL arrives @ 3:45, I'm with Chipmunk taking her to a doctor's appointment.
MIL and Airyn pick Wolf up from school, and out for food and entertainment.

After the Doctor's appointment, Airyn asks us to meet him and his mom at a coffee house/restaurant. We have one more errand to run, but agree to meet them. After meeting up we easily kill a few hours snacking, and talking. Then head home to freshen up and meet my Friend (I'll call him GUY) at his place. We get there and start cooking right away. Airyn and his mom start mixing drinks for everyone. This is the second time we have hung out with Airyn's mom since Chipmunk came into our life. Mom is not liking how needy Chipmunk gets Friday night. It started when Chipmunk wanted another drink. We are all chatting with my friend, and Chipmunk is watching the stove (by her choice). She walks over to us (about 3 steps away) and shakes her glass at Airyn. Mom looks askance at this, but doesn't say anything. Chipmunk got her latest depo shot in her arm, so her arm is sore, and then after drink part of her second drink starts getting really moody, and sad. She goes and curls up on the couch in the living room, while the rest of us continue talking/having fun in the kitchen.

Airyn Checks on her, but comes right back. We line up some shots, but Chipmunk doesn't join us. I check on her and ask what's wrong. Chipmunk tells me that she is just sad, but doesn't know what is wrong. Guy offers Chipmunk the use of his bed so she can sleep, and Chipmunk moves to the bedroom. We are still having a good time laughing, drink, and generally just chatting about everything, and anything in the kitchen. Airyn and I take turns checking on Chipmunk. When I check on her she is on her phone being sad talking to her x (Who live out of state). I leave her to it after her telling me she only has a few mins to talk to him.

A few hours later the rest of us are sitting in the living room, and Guy gets a text from Chipmunk asking him to send Airyn to her. This set MIL off, and she tells me we need to talk. She and I head outside where she starts going off over Chipmunks neediness. Talking about how it was really rude of her to shake her glass in Airyn's face, and wrong it is for her to text him like that when she is just in the next room. I'm trying to tell her that the texting thing is just part of Chipmunks generation, that it is common for texting in the same room/house these days, and not to be upset over that. I tell her that the glass shaking thing is kind of a "pay attention to me" thing. That I really can't say anything to Airyn about it. That this is something they have to work out between them. That at 21 most women have that look at me mentality, I told her that I'm sure I did too, and that she probably was like that as well. Then I'm hugging her neck telling her that I love her, and that I'm so glad she came down to visit. She very upset that Chipmunk is keeping Airyn and her from spending what little time they have together in each other company. So I tell her I can fix that right now, and get Airyn back into the living room. That I can go talk to Chipmunk for a while.

So into the bedroom I tell Airyn hey your needed in the other room, and then whisper that Mom is pissed. and I cuddle a bit with Chipmunk and ask her what's wrong, She tells me she just wanted Airyn to be close, that she's just sad and doesn't know why. So I'm trying to explain to her that she really can't be like that this weekend. I ask her to save it for Sunday afternoon or Monday morning. That if she can do that then she can just tell me she needs a few hours or what ever alone with Airyn and I can do that. That right now Airyn's mom is here, they only get to see each other a few times a year. Mom is only here for a couple days, and it's really unfair to mom to pull Airyn away right now. Then I remind Chipmunk that all she has to do is tell us (Airyn and I) what she needs from us and that well will do what we can. Since she is still not feeling right and thinks it's the Depo shot she just got she and I talk about the next day. How Airyn talked me into staying home and going with them. That I was really only wanting to go early to hang out with the woman I met who is actually Bi. (I'm buzzed and not as tactful as usual) This causes Chipmunk to ask me if I'm trying to make her feel bad. I tell her no, I'm just telling her why I'm going with them since I do want to be a part of that community more.

After a while Airyn tells me it's time to go. I ask if he is ok to drive and he says yes. so Off we go. It's about 2:30am so Christina goes straight to bed, but us night owls stay up a while.
Mom is still upset, and takes the conversation she and I were having to Airyn. They are sitting out on the balcony so I knock on the door to warn them that I'd like to join them. There's no complaint so I have a seat, and just listen without comment. Airyn is looking at me kinda wide eyed, but all I can do is offer him a lopsided grin. I can't argue with anything Mom is saying as I've said most of it myself at one point or another.

It's after 3am before we call it a night. Around 8:30 the next morning I hear Mom getting up and by 9am I'm up hanging out with her having Coffee. I wake Maxx up at 9:30 with an offer of fresh brewed coffee, and he joins us. Christina is still mostly asleep, and appears to want to stay in bed after having such a bad day Friday. So we leave her alone. While making coffee together I talk to Airyn about the previous night. Telling him that it was nice that he wasn't so Johnny on the spot for Chipmunk this time. That he needs to make that the norm. That it is very immature for her to spend 75% of our weekends together being so moody and demanding of his time. Especially when we are all out together. That I'd like to see us leaving her to brood on her own, and just check on her once in a while. She should really be joining us and having fun or stay at home if she not up to having a good time.

What I don't mention is how the weekends are my only days off (minus vacation time). On Chipmunk's last day off he wanted me to be clam and non-emotional, because the day off before that had been very high stress and emotional for all of us. We'll see if things change.
 
This Weekend: Part 2

So we are up and in the kitchen deciding what we want to do for the day. a couple hours later I'm off in the bedroom, Chipmunk is still mostly asleep so I'm trying to be quite while getting dressed. Airyn comes in the room and talks to Chipmunk telling her that we are going out and where we are planning to go. She just nods and rolls over. I finish getting dressed, and thinking she is still on the hormone roller coaster from the previous night. So I tell her to go back to sleep that getting enough rest should help her feel better. Beside she has to work that night, and wants to be up late at the block party having a good time with us. She nods, but doesn't say anything, and Airyn and I leave.

We are out just the 4 of us, Airyn, Mom, Wolf, and I have a fun family day together. We stop in a retro store, then stop for lunch, by then it is after noon, and we are all feeling sleep so we opt to go home and nap. At home Mom curls up in Wolfs bed, and Wolf gets on her computer. Airyn checks on Chipmunk. I decide to nap with them, and have an idea to help Chipmunk if her hormones are still making her feel out of sorts. Mydol, or Pamprin might just help. I walk in the room and it is immediately apparent that a very serious unhappy conversation is going on. I ask if everything is ok, and get bombarded with how we left Chipmunk, and she could call cause she's out of minutes on her cell. I tell her that she should have used the house phone, or texted Mom's phone to let us know she was up and wanted to join us. But she is just really really angry, so I get up and leave the room deciding that anything I say will make things worse and that I'd rather nap with Mom.

Airyn stays with her and works to talk it out. What it boils down to. When Airyn got up and went to give Chipmunk good morning Kisses she turned away from him like she was still sad and want to be alone. Since she didn't tell either of us otherwise, or attempt to join us before we left the house, or get up and dressed when I was getting ready to go we both assumed that she had no interest in going. She felt that Airyn should have asked her if she wanted to go. He tells her that her turning away from him when he was trying to give her kisses told him she wanted nothing to do with him that morning, and that he can't read her mind she has to tell him what she wants/needs. Airyn tells me later that Chipmunk was realizing that she messed up, that he let her rage and stomp around for a bit then stopped her in her tracks with hugs and wouldn't let her go. She cried it out, but was still sad when she left for work that afternoon. I talk to him after he comes home from dropping Chipmunk off, trying to figure out what happened. I told him why I came in the room (the idea that mydol, or pamprin might help her). Then told him that I left feeling like I was being attacked for leaving her out, but that she never once let on that she wanted to go.

Airyn tells me that what happened after I left the room, and that Chipmunk is realizing that she hasn't spent her time wisely cause she still has costume issue to be fixed. I tell Airyn that she had plenty of time to work on it and that I don't feel sorry for her. I also tell him that I'm not being negative, as I've done the same thing and left the adjustment and prep for my costume to the last minute too. I remind him that we have all had the same amount of time nothing had to be left till the last day, we all procrastinated. Then we are out more shopping, another stop at a restaurant, and again more shopping pick up fun things from Mom that she can't get where she lives. Back at home Airyn helps me get my costume laced, and Iron's Chipmunks outfit. We also find her glasses broken in half, and Airyn superglue them back together so that they aren't a complete loss. All the while Airyn is texting Chipmunk letting her know what we are doing. Trying to keep her from overly worrying about how long it will take to get ready after she gets off.

I have decided to be the designated drive, and lay down for a nap after searching for a missing bag of Halloween makeup. Airyn is slightly worried as I was getting frustrated over it. So he's asking me if everything is ok. I just tell him I'm sleepy, and that I need to nap so I can drive safely after the block party. He lets me sleep for about 3 hours. Waking me up after picking Chipmunk up from work. So we are all 4 in the bedroom/bathroom getting changed, and makeup for our costumes. It takes longer then we though as we only have 2 makeup mirrors and 4 full faces of makeup to do. Once we are ready we stop at Guys house and pick him up to go with us. Find a place to park, and have about 3-4 block to get to the block party.

Airyn and Chipmunk are both a little buzzed as they did shots together before we left the house. And neither of them can remember how far we are going, so I explain it a couple times, but after that only tell them we are almost there. Airyn stops asking, Chipmunk doesn't, and keeps getting the same answer. We are all moving a a leisurely pace nothing to fast as Chipmunk is wearing 4 or 5 inch high heels, and tends to walk slower then the rest of us any way. Then we get to the right spot, and start seeing the crowd. We are trying to stay together, Airyn and I are up front, with everyone else behind us. Mom is directly behind us and saying how cool this is and how she's never been to anything like it before. We are all checking out everyone elses costumes. And we aren't even THERE yet.

The next thing we know Chipmunk is several paces ahead of everyone. I call out to her, and ask if she knows where she's going. We are intending to meet up with a friend of her's at one of the bars for a moment or two. She has no Idea where the bar is and waits on the group to catch up to her. A few mins later she off well a head again, and I'm telling Airyn to slow her down. He catches up to her and links arms. They slow down for a bit, but again get well ahead. at this point I'm starting to get frustrated. I tell Airyn to slow down. They do for a little while, but again Chipmunk is getting to far a head for everyone else. So I get Airyn's attention (they are no longer arm in arm), and tell him that he has to slow her down or I'm going to let her get lost in the crowd. That she has made me slow down for her every time we have go out as a group she can damn well slow down and allow us to site see. That mostly works. Now Chipmunk is trying to get us to all hold hands or link arms. But since that wasn't the issue I'm not interested. I tell her that I know how to walk though a crowd. Still they end up ahead of everyone, but Airyn stops her once he realize they have gotten ahead. This works and we get back together as a group, and find the right bar.

It's pack, there is a line, and a mandatory ID check. Mom didn't bring her ID as she thought we'd be staying on the street. Chipmunk wants to meet up with her friend and tells us she is going in. So we wait outside for like 15-20 mins. Airyn texts her to make it quick cause we want to be able to move around. In the end we are there just under 2 hours, get to see lots of interesting people all dress up and drinking, having a good time. Airyn take lots of pictures, about 200. With everyone moving only about 50 or so will be worth keeping. We get home, and Chipmunk heads off to bed while Airyn, mom, and I start looking at his pictures. there are some really good ones in there. Including a few I took of Airyn and his Mom. We are talking about how cool the block party was, and talking about next year. Mom had so much fun that we've decided to move the Haunted Trail up a weekend so that we can go again. We want to go earlier and get a spot on a balcony next time.

Is it wrong of me to have gotten upset at Chipmunk Saturday night? to have gone off on Airyn about it? Maybe, I'm not sure. I do feel that it was very inconsiderate of her to being rushing off like that. She is normally the slowest one in the group, but this time she was wanting to be seen in her sex Halloween costume, and was leaving us behind. Not that we were walking at our normal fast pace, but still we all wanted to see what was going on. Site seeing usually means you walk slower then normal.

What about Friday, was I wrong to ask her to wait to have alone time with Airyn? Is his mom wrong for getting upset? I don't think so. Chipmunk has begun making a habit of getting moody, emotional, and needy of Airyn's time and attention when we are hanging out with friends on the weekends. And Airyn has played to her needs by staying close to her, often excluding/ignoring me entirely. The ignoring thing has gotten better, but that took a lot of work between Airyn and I. He asked me to point out when I'm feeling left out, so he would know, and could be more aware. I did this once, and still spent the evening only seeing the back of his head as he spent his time paying attention to Chipmunk mostly excluding me, and Guy who was over at our place. We talked about it afterwards, and things got better. Now he makes more of an effort to be close to me. He doesn't move away when I come over to him, and I haven't been left seeing only the back of his head in a while. I also haven't had to point out that I moved closer to him for a reason.
 
Questions, questions, and more questions

Sunday Mom has to leave to get home, and Chipmunk has plans with her family. Pre-Birthday get together, her Birthday is Monday. Having gone to bed between 2:30, and 3:30 am the past two morning we all sleep till about 10am then help get Mom's car packed. Airyn, Wolf and I follow her to Whole Foods for some last minute grocery shopping for items she can't get close to her home. Mom ends up leaving around noon. Chipmunk stayed home to get dress up for her family get together. We pick up Chipmunk and drop her off at her mom's place.

When we get home Airyn goes back to his photo's from the night before uploading some to facebook so Mom will have something to see when she gets home. I start cleaning. The kitchen is piled high with dishes, and the bedroom has clothes, and makeup scattered all over the place. So I start in the kitchen. I clear off the coffee counter, and am washing dishes (by hand) Airyn notices what I'm doing and comments on it. He says that it's really rare for me to do dishes, and hugs me from behind. I tell him that I know it makes him happy when he doesn't have to do them. To which he replies that I'm not supposed to be doing dishes, I just shrug. It is our way for me to work outside the home, and for Airyn to keep the house; cooking, cleaning, watch Wolf, ect.

Then I move towards the bedroom. I tell Airyn that I'd like to relax and have time to play our computer game some, but that the bedroom has to get cleaned up for us to be able to relax. We get everything cleaned up, and spend the next couple hours just reconnecting, and relaxing together. With me having to work then next morning I'm in bed earlish. With so little sleep over the weekend it's not to difficult to fall asleep. Even better Airyn's sleepy to so we snuggle and such till I'm a sleep. He gets up at some point, gives me kisses, and heads to the other room to keep an eye on Wolf, make food, and pack me a lunch for work. I wake up a few hours later hungry, and join him in the kitchen for a snack. I hang out with him for about an hour then tell him I'm going to try to go back to sleep. He follows me, and says he could use a nap, sets up a timer/alarm, and joins me in bed. We have a great time, and before long are both a sleep. I'm still fast a sleep when he gets back up. Chipmunk gets home late, and they come let me know she's home. It's all very sweet.

So now it's Monday, I'm up getting ready for work. I tell Airyn that if they plan to go to school I may want to stay home and sleep. That I'll see how I feel when I get off work. He's ok with it, but says he'd like me to go with them, he likes having me close by. By the time I get home, and take Wolf to school it's 8:30am before I can get a nap. I'm really sleepy. Airyn asks me to set an alarm for 9am. I do, then snuggle up against his back and drift off. They get up with the alarm, but I'm so sleepy I barely wake up. Around 10 Airyn checks on me asking if I'm staying in bed. Which of course I am. Then he says that they are stopping at a taco place Chipmunk wants to try when they get done with class, and tells me to message him when I wake up. I say ok, have fun. Chipmunk comes and kisses me bye then say, Love ya. on her way out.

I am floored, she hasn't said anything like that to me since before she moved in. It makes me sad, as I wish the love she was offering were more then that. Then it hits me. I still want her. I struggle with this new sadness, as they are headed for school, but eventually fall back to sleep. Their class gets out just before 1pm, and I wake up at 2:30. See that they are out still and send a message to Airyn saying I'm up and asking how things are going. Today is Chipmunk's Birthday. I check my messages and email, and start responding to everyone. I'm just getting dressed to go for a walk and pick up Wolf when they get home.

I tell them that I've only been awake about 30 mins, and was about to get ready to walk to pick Wolf up as I didn't know when they'd get home. Airyn says I should know that he would leave me to walk to Wolf's school. I told him I figured I'd see them there that they might just go straight there while they were out, but that since he didn't get/respond to my message I wasn't sure. No anger or animosity. Airyn's glad that I look so rested, and Chipmunk is looking happy and relaxed. She has looked that stress free for a while now. So I tell Airyn that I'm glad I stayed home, that even if I hadn't slept it would have been the right thing to do. That I can tell Chipmunk had a good day out with him. They take me back to the Taco place as it was really yummy, and I haven't eaten since work. Airyn suggests the 1$ donation to breast cancer Margarita to go with my taco. Having not eaten that one drink was enough for me to not be up for driving. So Airyn takes over.

I'm laughing by the time we get home telling them that they are a bad influence. That they got my drunk in the middle of the day. Then Chipmunk lays down to get a nap before her parents pick her up for her Birthday dinner with them. I'm messing around on the computer, and finishing answering my messages for the day while Chipmunk is getting up and dressed to meet her parents. This time she doesn't say by she just leaves. I comment about it when Airyn tells me she gone. But he says she was hurrying as her parent had been waiting for a little while. I'm a little down cast, and I tell him how surprised I was when she said "love ya" on their way to school that she hadn't said that since before she moved in, and my disappointment that it was all she could offer. That I realized as they were leaving that I still want her. Want more from her then she can offer. He just hugs me and say not to be sad.

So we start talking about Chipmunk and her family while taking a shower. He's talking about Chipmunks sometime aversion to public displays of affection. They been talking about it. He's been hurt that she sometimes avoids his kisses when we are out. Thinking that she's ashamed of him or something. I tell him that it's worse for me and point out that even though Chipmunk worked for a very gay friendly environment (her previous job had 50% gay/lesbian employees), she never once referred to me as her girlfriend. It was always about him. But when we are getting out of the shower I give Airyn some very suggestive kisses and tell him no more depressing talk. Lets just say that we didn't actually get dressed after that. Then he's telling me how late it is and suggesting that I try to sleep. He tells me he'll check on me later, but needs to make dinner for Wolf.

Airyn didn't really respond to my statement that Chipmunk never referred to dating me, or that I was her girlfriend. That she always chose to tell co-workers that she was dating Airyn. He had a somewhat surprised look on his face. I could tell he had not thought of it. But having openly spoke it I realized that Chipmunk never saw me as a viable relationship for her. It just makes me sad, and confused. If I wasn't a viable relationship then why was she all over me at the restaurant that first night? Why was she so quick to continue flirting with me after that night? I don't have any answers only more questions.
 
Hey there. I just wanted to say that I really feel for you, and to offer some thoughts.

It seems like you are in a tremendously difficult situation. Living with a metamour seems to always take a lot of careful negotiation and adjustment, but to also have her be your ex? Yikes. In general, no one wants to have to be around their ex more than necessary right after a break up, it takes time to heal. She is also very young (I know that I was way immature at 21), and it seems like she has a ways to go on her communication skills, and on understanding what she wants and what she can give.

Taken altogether, it seems really unfair to you to expect things to continue as is. You guys moved Chipmunk in as a way to get her away from her controlling Mom, which was kind of you, but based on the amount of time you were dating, it was probably premature, and now, based on all the factors above, it no longer seems like the right or good thing. Another factor is that it seems like she and Airyn are fighting a lot -- I would take this as another sign that more space would be better.

You mention Airyn not wanting her to feel like less than an equal partner, but how can a girlfriend of less than a year be "equal" to a wife and co-parent of many years? He and you have an OPP but, at least based on her pursuing J, there isn't one with her -- is that "equal"? Equality just doesn't seem like a reasonable expectation here. Now, of course you want to be fair to all involved here. But, as Franklin Veaux points out in this great essay --http://www.morethantwo.com/polyfairness.html -- symmetry is not the same thing as fairness.

Anyways, I don't wish to criticize you guys for making mistakes -- lord knows I have, in my day -- just to point out what I'm seeing.

Good luck with everything!!! I am sure that you will find a woman who loves and wants you for you in time.
 
Thanks for your thoughts AnnabelMore, you are one of many posters who's thoughts and opinions I value and have made me willing to share my experience here on these forums. I don't feel as though you are criticizing us. We made lots of mistakes early on. I haven't talked about that first month except for a select few moments, and even those I glossed over.

How the lack of attention from either of them made me so self conscious that I felt ugly, undesirable, and very not sexy. That I had an almost melt down over it. That I started going to bed fully dress so they wouldn't have to see me naked. I had self esteem issue as a teen and thought I was over it, but those first months proved that wrong. I'm still recovering from it. And I know how men view me small, dark, and busty. I know some where deep down that guys want to see me naked, but sometimes it is very hard to feel that way. I don't really care about what a random dude wants. I care what Airyn wants, and sadly what Chipmunk should have wanted. It really would be easier if she and I didn't care about each other.

Moving Chipmunk in when we did was good for Chipmunk, but not good for Airyn and I. However we both made a promise, that she would never have to go back to her abusive, dominating mother. I don't make many promises, so when I do I intend to keep them. It's why she is still living with us and not looking for a place of her own or being moved out. Besides it seems a bit unfair for me to require that. I don't hate her, she's just not gay. So seeing her and knowing what I wanted just hurts. I do my best to not think about it, but some times something will set me off. *Shrug*

In general, no one wants to have to be around their ex more than necessary right after a break up, it takes time to heal. She is also very young (I know that I was way immature at 21), and it seems like she has a ways to go on her communication skills, and on understanding what she wants and what she can give.

Yes exactly. I really wanted space away from her, not having to see her for a while, and definitely don't want to come home from work to her curled up half naked in my bed with Airyn (5 nights a week), but these are the living arrangements, so I'm kinda stuck with this right now. Airyn knows how I feel about it, and wants me to try to work through it. They both know I'm being a bit needier then usually, and they know why. I said some things that while I may have legitimately meant them I didn't necessarily mean them. Does that make since? I am trying to be fair about it, and give them space when Chipmunk is being needy too. I'm about to have a week and a half of vacation time it will be interesting to see how things go during this time with me home 24 hours a day.
One of the things we want to try to make it easier is to get a day bed so that time can be split where 3 days a week Chipmunk and I spend on the day bed, we haven't figured how we will split the 7th day yet. Since we don't have the day bed picked out and bought it's a moot point.

Yes she is very young, and of the three of us is the worst at communication. I'm not saying that I'm excellent, but I have worked on it more and have gotten better at it. I still struggle, and once I've been rebuffed I find it difficult to come back to the same subject with that person for a long while.

Another factor is that it seems like she and Airyn are fighting a lot -- I would take this as another sign that more space would be better.

There is good and bad in every relationship. On a whole they have a good relationship, but the bad days, the arguments stick out for me and are the things I need/want to talk about. For one thing Monday was obviously a really good day for the two of them.


You mention Airyn not wanting her to feel like less than an equal partner, but how can a girlfriend of less than a year be "equal" to a wife and co-parent of many years? He and you have an OPP but, at least based on her pursuing J, there isn't one with her -- is that "equal"? Equality just doesn't seem like a reasonable expectation here. Now, of course you want to be fair to all involved here. But, as Franklin Veaux points out in this great essay --http://www.morethantwo.com/polyfairness.html -- symmetry is not the same thing as fairness.

I also did ask Airyn how a relationship of 5 months is supposed to be equal to one of 20 years. It was said in a rhetorical fashion and was meant to make him think, so haven't heard any more about it.

It does my heart good to see that I'm not the only one thinking it ridiculous that a 5 month long relationship should be on the same footing as one of 20 years. Don't get me wrong her feeling, are just as valid as my own, and her well-being is just as important. However her receiving the better parts of my life with Airyn just sucks.

Oddly the issue many married women have with PIV have not come up for me. It's not PIV I have issue with. I miss certain aspect of my sex life with Airyn that aren't available with Chipmunk living with us, but the two of them having alone time for PIV doesn't bother me in and of itself. Now when Airyn told me that the hooks he asked me to buy at the hardware store years ago were for some kinky sex stuff, and then said in front of me to chipmunk that he was going to put her on the hook that night. With them having originally been bought for he and I, and us not having used them once. THAT bothered me A LOT. Or when he chose to do some new kinky thing with me one evening, then I come home from work and see that just a few hours later he was sharing that same experience with Chipmunk. That really bothered me too. And it didn't help that he pointed out he had that idea days ago and could have shared that with her at any time. Sure he was trying to say that he wait so he could share that with me first, but I really didn't need to be feeling all special and sexy, then come home to see it wasn't special between he and I for long.

So that is very different for the usually PIV hang ups I have read. I'm more sadden by the non-sexual things that Airyn and I don't get anymore.
We used to stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights watching movies curled up in bed. Sure it usually turned to Sex, but it's not just the sex part that I miss. So when he tells me he's going to watch a movie with Chipmunk "tonight" it makes me sad for what I'm missing. I told him last time that I miss getting to do that. Gees just writing about it is choking me up.
 
Wth??

So I've been crusin along if not all sparkles and happiness at least not depressed or angry, but it doesn't seem to take much to set me off. Why? and why something that might not seem like a big deal to anyone else?

Texting or instant messaging

Maybe there is a beginning and I can try to start there.
I've work for the same company for almost 9 years now. the past 6 years I have had a desk job and internet access. I work the graveyard shift. Get to work at 1am call Airyn to let him know I'm at work, then get online and chat via gmail's chat service. Airyn would stay up chatting with me till 2,3 sometime 4am.

Now Chipmunk lives with us, and Airyn is rarely actively on this chat we used to use. I wasn't letting it get to me for a while there, but a couple times he suggested he'd be on and then would send like one message, and I'd not hear another thing from him for the rest of my shift. I found this frustrating. I'm sure I said something about it at least once, I know I told him not to offer to be on the chat service when he's not going to actually be there.

So over the past three months 85% of the time he's not on. Occasionally he's on long enough to send me a message or two, but not for any actual conversation. Once or twice he has actually been online and actively chatting with me. This is one of the things I really miss.

Anyway, he usually just disappears, doesn't say he's going to bed, or good night, or see you in a few hours nothing. He used to tell me he was going to sleep. He just stops responding to my messages. I've just kind of blown this off. I know I haven't said anything to him, but maybe once. Like it would be nice to know your going to bed so I'm not still messaging you and waiting for your response. But not like it was a big deal.

So Tuesday morning Chipmunk has to be to work before I get home. Airyn walks her to work, and is in bed falling back to sleep when I come home and take our kid to school. I get about a 2 hour nap, but knowing Airyn hadn't slept much let him sleep till about noonish. Wake him up for a "happy morning". For him, not me. It's just something I enjoy. Anyway, we cuddle for a moment then he's leaning across the bed and Messaging Chipmunk, "I'm awake now". I didn't say anything, but after that I no longer had any interest in cuddling nor was I expecting any more sexy time with him.

A few mins later we are both dressed, and Airyn is talking about his Photography assignment. He sets up the scene he wants, and uses me as a model. all you can actually see is my rear end, and legs. What ever. the image turns out nice for the assignment, somewhat bizarre, but good.

Then we pick Chipmunk up, and he's telling me about a scene he wants to do with her as the model, covered in her stuffed animals wearing an old top I got from my mom. It sounds cool. We get home and he sets up a completely different scene. Tell chipmunk that he needs her to get in the shower and get her hair wet, she wants him to join her. I give my blessing. He gets out and makes a comment about the two of us girls being needy, and demanding. He's referring to sexy times. I tell him he can't really say that about me considering this morning, unless he thinks waking up at noon is demanding. He just giggles, and goes to finish setting up this new scene for Chipmunk.

It's rather sexy especially compared to what he asked me to do, or what he said he was going to do with Chipmunk. After getting several pictures, he starts putting the room back in order. I offer to take over and finish. While checking out the images he see that they are not in focus and he has to redo the scene. So I'm trying to help him put it back together and he's getting sharp with me till i finally toss something he's looking for at his feet and start to walk out. He acts all shocked by this and All I tell him is that I had been trying to help him out, nothing more.

He get chipmunk naked again and in place. These image turn out good, and he posts them to facebook. He also adds these images to his deviant art account. The one of Chipmunk gets a "Can we feature your image" request. It's a good photo, but he leaves his deviant art page up, and tells me I can use my computer again. I briefly scroll the page, and tell him I have no idea why I'm looking at his deviant art sight he just laughs and tell me he forgot to switch back to my pages.

I'm not happy at this point. I've noticed something, but can't figure out what it is that is making me grumpy. So I head off to the bedroom for some ME time. Airyn comes in a apologize for getting snippy at me while resetting up his scene, I accept, but don't say much.

Today I'm expecting to work. This was supposed to be my vacation week, but I was asked to come in for a couple days to cover my boss since he was pulled to another building. I get ready, and Airyn walks me to the car (we always do this). While talking at the car he tells me that taking a nap that day he's not feeling very sleepy, and will probably be up lateish. I call him from work just after 1am. Tell him I'm getting logged in and I'll see him in the chat. He says that they are still in the kitchen, and he doesn't know when they will be going to bed.

Ok So I'm getting my work PC's set up, and getting the websites I use logged in, including gmail, and my boss walks in the door. This is about 5 mins after I hang up with Airyn. I laugh and say so I can go home now, and then start getting my things together to leave.

Knowing that Airyn and Chipmunk are expecting to have the evening to themselves, and that Chipmunk doesn't have to work the next morning I send a gmail message letting Airyn know that my boss came in, and sent me home. That I'll be home in 30ish mins.

I get home (1:45), and know right away (from the closed bedroom windows) that they are in the bedroom. I'm assuming that they are ahh busy, so I take my time. I don't want to interrupt, and since Airyn was telling me he was going to stay up late I figure he'll check his gmail after. I send him a message after what I think is a reasonable time, thinking that he'll hear the "new Message" beep, no response. So I wait a little longer, then Message Chipmunks phone knowing how she always has it with her in bed. But not tonight. I hear her phone get my message, and see that it is in the kitchen window.

During this time I have plugged in headphone, and I'm listening to load music and reading these forums. A blog that I enjoy. Right around 2ish someone was in the bathroom I saw the light go out. I know that this doesn't mean that they are done necessarily, so I was still feeling like I needed to give them time. Alright so now it's 2:30 and I call the house phone from my cell. Hoping that it will ring in the bedroom. It does, and Airyn answers. I tell him to check his gmail. he's really confused, saying he was asleep. I tell him nevermind hang up the phone, and go to open the door. It's locked. back to the kitchen for the key, unlock door, enter room to confused Airyn.

I thought you were at work, I thought you would check your gmail at least once after I called since you were planning to stay up late. Nevermind, I'm really tire from lack of sleep the previous day. Well come to bed then. in bed, not falling asleep. WHY AM I MAD?

neither of us could have know that I would get the day off.

So I get up and take Wolf to school, back into bed, and can't fall back to sleep. The sleep I did get seems to have cleared my thought some and I'm starting to GET it. Airyns alarm for their class goes off after about 30mins of me being back in bed. Up we get and ready for the day.

In the kitchen I'm heating up my pasta from my lunch and Airyn is telling me he was really confused when I called and that I hung up on him. I tell him that the door was lock, but i hung up because I was about to walk into the room. Then I lay it out for him.

WTH? How is it that you never tell me your going to be that your no longer up and able to chat with me WHEN you do send me messages, but before you even get out of bed you can message Chipmunk to tell her you up? WTF? I'm obviously pissed. Turn my back and don't say anything else about it. He doesn't either. I have yet to say anything about how he hasn't taken a "GOOD" picture of me since chipmunk moved in. How all the sensual photos he took of the two of us the ones he thought of as "good" we her's that even the portraits that he posts to his deviant art page he hasn't had me in any of them. In three months the only "GOOD" pic he has taken of me was the one that you can't tell who is in the photo.

Airyn has told me that he is very picky about what he post to deviant art that the photos have to be really GOOD or he doesn't bother. So 20 years together, and a 5 month old relationship he's suddenly unable to get a picture of me he considers good? And he has not looking at me as a model for his sexy pictures any more? WTH?

WTH, WTF?

And he wonders why I don't feel wanted, sexy, desirable.
 
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