Help/Advice for a poly-noob please

TheMDC

New member
Background: My wife and I were raised in a very strict religion (one might even call it a cult) and we married when I was 21 and she was 24. Neither of us have ever been with anyone else. Ever. A couple years ago we managed to extricate ourselves from the cult and have discovered a world full of potential and freedom.

My wife has even managed to fall in love. With someone she went to high school with but never pursued because of the religion. She has also made connections with several other people she knew in the past but never had a chance to pursue a deeper relationship with.

She still loves me, as well.

I love and respect her, too. Because we share the same background I completely understand where she's coming from. Neither of us ever had a chance to sow our wild oats as young adults and now in midlife we have that chance for the first time. I can't really hold it against her to want to experience things she never had a chance to experience. Besides that, she's an extrovert who needs relationships, and leaving our religion (which practices shunning) has left a huge void in our social life which she has been able to fill by reconnecting with past acquaintances.

She has given me the green light to develop other relationships, too, which is fine, I guess, but that seems damn near impossible for a married man in his 40s. And frankly, I'm not sure if want a relationship with someone else the way she does. I would love to experience the same sort of sexual freedom she's embarking upon but I'm not sure I want another soulmate (or 2 or 3). Does that seem weird? I don't want to sound like I just want to get laid because it isn't just about that.

I don't know what the hell I want, to be honest. I just kind of feel like I've been given permission to experience things I never have, I know I'd enjoy it, and so feel like I should act on it. I just have no idea how to even get started. I have the feeling it is SO MUCH HARDER for a man to find willing partners than it is for a woman.

Am I making any sense here? Maybe some of you more experienced guys can share some of your early polyamorous difficulties and challenges and how you overcame them. And maybe some of you more experienced ladies can share your wisdom about what polyamorous women are looking for in a guy. Knowing where both sides are generally coming from, maybe that can help me decide where to go from here.

Thanks for reading. And thanks for whatever you tell me. I'm a major noob so I won't take offense if you treat me like I'm stupid. In this particular area, I AM! :eek:

(edit: I noticed an acronym around this site "NRE" and discovering what it means, I find it perfectly fits what my wife is experiencing. She's excited like we were when we were first dating each other, except this time it is about this other guy. I want to be happy for her but it kind of sucks to be me right now, you know?)
 
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I can't claim experience with your situation, but I see this --

"leaving our religion (which practices shunning) has left a huge void in our social life which she has been able to fill by reconnecting with past acquaintances"

-- as the first thing to resolve. If you're out there in the world, participating in groups, trying new activities, meeting people and making friends, you probably won't feel so left behind, you'll grow as a person which can only make you more attractive to potential partners, and you may well meet a friend who becomes something more or who introduces you to someone who will. Deal with your dearth of friends before you try to tackle your dearth of lovers
 
She has given me the green light to develop other relationships, too, which is fine, I guess, but that seems damn near impossible for a married man in his 40s. And frankly, I'm not sure if want a relationship with someone else the way she does. I would love to experience the same sort of sexual freedom she's embarking upon but I'm not sure I want another soulmate (or 2 or 3). Does that seem weird? I don't want to sound like I just want to get laid because it isn't just about that.

Relax a bit and just make a new circle of friends. Find activities that interest you and do them. So many times religion becomes our life and when we figure out that we need to go in a different direction, we feel a bit lost. We no longer have the structure of activities the "church" provided/expected/demanded that encompassed our lives before, so now it's time to find groups and activities that peak our true interests.

I did this just recently and am still amazed every time I get together with these people at how much I have in common with them. None of my "church" friends or my husband's friends even had clue about things I am passionate about. Not only do my new friends get my crafty side, they share similar geeky interests.
 
I agree with SNeacail. Making new friends, discovering communities of people that are like minded and getting out and finding new things to do is the best way to meet people. Especially women. For me, I am much more interested in men that involve themselves in stuff than meeting them on dating sites. At our age (I'm 42) we quite often come with a lot of baggage around trust of people and sometimes have to work harder to get to a place of connection as a result. Spending time with people and letting it all unfold is a great way to start out.
 
Poly events?

Maybe there are poly events in your area? Check out the "Meetings and Events" section of the board... :)
 
It's hard to find a nice poly guy! Where do you live? :p
 
Interesting comment because I'm constantly wondering if I'm TOO nice. I've been told by my therapist that I don't stand up for what I want enough.
 
Interesting comment because I'm constantly wondering if I'm TOO nice. I've been told by my therapist that I don't stand up for what I want enough.

I get that from my therapist(s) too. :)

I wouldn't think about it as being TOO nice. Maybe, like me, you're just somebody who thinks a lot and takes into consideration the feelings and thoughts of other people before making decisions or jumping into situations. This is not a bad thing. Not throwing yourself into whatever situation without thinking about how it might affect those around you is a good thing!

However, you do also need to make sure your needs are being met and you are being treated with respect and consideration. Part of this means that you have to sit and take a good look at yourself and figure out what you need from a relationship (or person), and what considerations are important to you. If you don't know what those are, it's easy to just go with the flow for everybody else and then get caught up in things that aren't working for you.

So figuring out what you want/need for yourself FIRST is really important. Then, of course, you have to communicate that with your partner(s). :)
 
I get that from my therapist(s) too. :)

. . .

So figuring out what you want/need for yourself FIRST is really important. Then, of course, you have to communicate that with your partner(s). :)

That's a major part of my problem. I'm not sure what I want/need yet. I'm searching.
 
I would spend a lot of energy working on this not standing up for what you want.

My first marriage ended because we went to have our first poly experiences, my husband panicked and wanted us to stop (the day after I slept with somebody), and he didn't say anything. Instead he did a very stupid thing the next day that led to the end of our marriage. If he had just spoken up about being uncomfortable, the outcome may have been very different.

My current husband also has the "too agreeable" issue. Sometimes I have to really push if I think something is bothering him but he's saying things are OK. Sometimes I can't tell, because he is easygoing and agreeable about most everything. There have been problems when he hasn't felt OK about something, but he doesn't stop and examine it, so he doesn't say anything, and then we regret it.

A good tact to take is that you have to look out for you first. Practice this now - tell your wife everything you feel if something is making you even the slightest bit twingy. Tell her without the expectation that she will try to fix it, or change her behavior. If you can tell her "I don't feel comfortable with you doing X" and give her the option to say "OK, that's no problem it's not important to do X" or "I want to anyway, let's talk about this" or to negotiate something in between that works for both of you, that's going to go a long way to lead towards a successful future where there's no niggling resentments or surprise blow ups down the line.

Good luck!
 
A good tact to take is that you have to look out for you first. Practice this now - tell your wife everything you feel if something is making you even the slightest bit twingy. Tell her without the expectation that she will try to fix it, or change her behavior. If you can tell her "I don't feel comfortable with you doing X" and give her the option to say "OK, that's no problem it's not important to do X" or "I want to anyway, let's talk about this" or to negotiate something in between that works for both of you, that's going to go a long way to lead towards a successful future where there's no niggling resentments or surprise blow ups down the line.

Good luck!

I find it can be good to sit down and discuss this strategy first, before anything comes up that you need to actually use it on. Many people when you say "It makes me feel sad when you do x" will ASSUME you mean "I don't want you to do X anymore", even if that's not your intention.

Making sure you're both on the same page with the process will make things easier when it comes down to actually using it.
 
Interesting comment because I'm constantly wondering if I'm TOO nice. I've been told by my therapist that I don't stand up for what I want enough.
There is a difference between being too nice and not standing up for what you need because you don't know what you need or are too passive or don't want to rock the boat. Being nice is what will give you good standing in a relationship I think. What won't is being an asshole about what you need, being a whimp when it comes to asking, not knowing what you want or allowing people to walk all over you... All the latter are highly unattractive. You said you don't know what you want. I would start by working on that personally.
 
Well, that was short-lived.

Wife was cool with going poly for awhile but it wasn't cool with her new boyfriend.

Now I'm single and she's evidently back to being monogamous (with the other guy, not me).

I'm more interested in polyamory than ever now, though. I think. I'm more than happy to form new relationships with multiple people or even couples. And even when and if I end up in a 1-1 relationship I think I'll still support polyamory in spirit.

So I'm a 43 year old, one-owner, lightly-used man, seeking. Can't be too many of us around can there?
 
You're single??? :eek: After 20 years of marriage? You sound so sanguine about it. Did your wife move out of your shared home and in with her bf after just knowing him a month or so? Eeek. NRE beast is really driving her.
 
It's insane. The guy lives across the country and promises to look for work in our area and move here, so my wife can still be close to our daughter when they move in together. In the meantime, she still lives with my daughter and I, but not as a wife - more like a room mate. We sleep in separate rooms.

It's bizarre. 22 years and poof! Done. Over.

I can't deny that it hurts but I have never had any success with anger. I find that most of the time it is worse than pointless, it is detrimental to everyone concerned. So I breathe and meditate and just keep on living. I have told her I think she's making a mistake. Her sister told her she's making a mistake. Sometimes you just have to let go and let people make their mistakes.

My biggest worry is my daughter. I hope the stress of this doesn't hurt her too badly. Many of her friends have separated and divorced parents and so she can at least see that it isn't something that isn't completely abnormal, even though the specifics of what is happening with us is a bit wierd, being in the same house but separated.

I guess I am relatively sanguine about things, as Magdlyn says, all things considered. Lonely though.
 
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