Anyanka
New member
This is adjacent to my post in the relationships section - I am not sure if it belongs here or there .. so, I hope I have posted in the right place.
A couple of the responses I received on my first thread talked about not tethering one's identity to a partner/lover/spouse (s) and I must admit, I find this idea both challenging and intriguing and would like to know more from those willing to spend some time telling me their perspective/s and stories.
I am very self-focused in all relationships bar romantic ones. This includes family and even my children - I love and adore them but I don't actually consider part of my identity as being their 'mother'. I should add that they are both in their 20's now so that aspect of my life has lessened considerably but, really, I never identified strongly as being a parent, that was a part of what I did .. but not who I was.
However, when it comes to romantic relationships, I become completely immersed .. I lose all sense of self for the first 6-9 months and I strongly identify as being one half of a couple (all relationships I have had have been mono, and I am just on the precipice of toe-dipping into poly with my current guy).
While it would be possible to just accept that this is the way I am wired, or what my childhood has made of me [insert other reason here], the fact is that one of the things that brings me the most angst in relationships is that I am terrified of them ending.
I just want to clarify: I am not a clingy person, I don't smother or trap or anything like that, I am actually very easy-going. I recognise that my issues are mine and 90% of the time I am able to deal with my anxieties around this on my own without it impacting my partner. There isn't really a problem in this respect, I have never, ever had a partner say that I am too involved/clingy/needy or anything like that so, that really isn't the issue.
The issue is that when things end, I completely derail. And I am not talking about lying in bed crying for a week .. I am talking serious derailment here.
Obviously, this occurs because I have this tendency to see myself in terms of my partner rather than as an individual who happens to be involved with another person .. I can see that. What I cannot see is how to address or change that - and I would dearly love to.
I am a bit attached to this aspect of myself and I am pretty sure that it won't be easy to make changes here - my relationships are always intense, very intense - most of my ex's and my current have all commented that things are 'very intense with' me - and they are . And while this is the positive that I adore, the negative is that it is just as intense when it ends.
I am not sure if this makes much sense .. but if anybody has some words of wisdom, I'm listening.
A couple of the responses I received on my first thread talked about not tethering one's identity to a partner/lover/spouse (s) and I must admit, I find this idea both challenging and intriguing and would like to know more from those willing to spend some time telling me their perspective/s and stories.
I am very self-focused in all relationships bar romantic ones. This includes family and even my children - I love and adore them but I don't actually consider part of my identity as being their 'mother'. I should add that they are both in their 20's now so that aspect of my life has lessened considerably but, really, I never identified strongly as being a parent, that was a part of what I did .. but not who I was.
However, when it comes to romantic relationships, I become completely immersed .. I lose all sense of self for the first 6-9 months and I strongly identify as being one half of a couple (all relationships I have had have been mono, and I am just on the precipice of toe-dipping into poly with my current guy).
While it would be possible to just accept that this is the way I am wired, or what my childhood has made of me [insert other reason here], the fact is that one of the things that brings me the most angst in relationships is that I am terrified of them ending.
I just want to clarify: I am not a clingy person, I don't smother or trap or anything like that, I am actually very easy-going. I recognise that my issues are mine and 90% of the time I am able to deal with my anxieties around this on my own without it impacting my partner. There isn't really a problem in this respect, I have never, ever had a partner say that I am too involved/clingy/needy or anything like that so, that really isn't the issue.
The issue is that when things end, I completely derail. And I am not talking about lying in bed crying for a week .. I am talking serious derailment here.
Obviously, this occurs because I have this tendency to see myself in terms of my partner rather than as an individual who happens to be involved with another person .. I can see that. What I cannot see is how to address or change that - and I would dearly love to.
I am a bit attached to this aspect of myself and I am pretty sure that it won't be easy to make changes here - my relationships are always intense, very intense - most of my ex's and my current have all commented that things are 'very intense with' me - and they are . And while this is the positive that I adore, the negative is that it is just as intense when it ends.
I am not sure if this makes much sense .. but if anybody has some words of wisdom, I'm listening.