List on how to communicate

redpepper

Active member
I practice a lot of Non-Violent Communication in my life. For those of you that are not familiar.... do a tag search on "communication" and/or "nvc", I talk about it a lot here.

NVC is a communication technique created by Marshal Rosenberg... who wrote the book of the same title cnvc. Some like to call it "compassionate communication."

Empathy or compassion, to me, is the key to changing our world entirely. Marchall's communication technique would serve us well on that road... in my opinion.

So in the ten years of my marriage, starting with a course I took before I got married with my husband, I have come to see communication in a way that works for me. Its a personal take on Marshall's technique. (there is a list somewhere on here on his version of this....couldn't find it)


1. express my feelings without blaming, shaming, or expressing my assumptions
2. express my concerns as I see them from my point of view
3. request what I need to see change or what the person should be aware of letting them know what my expectations are
4. actively listen to what they say, thank them for their feed back and give it all a good think
5. repeat over and over until we are done in as much time as it takes.

I have learned to communicate (somewhat effectively) my concerns and feelings using "I" statements that do not insult, defame and offend. Its one thing to use an "I" statement, another to turn it around as a "you" statement ("I hate when you...."). This has become important because it really isn't effective communication if I don't own every little drop of what is going on for me, even if I really do have an assumption about what is going on for the person.

I remember that if I start this process, I have to be ready to finish it. Blurting out my feelings, or my concerns or my requests on their own is unfair to the person I am directing my energy to and I have found does not get to the root of the problem in order to go about making change.

We all want to feel comfortable, I need to respect that and make it as safe as possible for people to communicate with me back again. Otherwise shit hits the fan and everyone gets hurt. finish what I start is my motto.... that means I have to know what I am going to say before hand sometimes and should think very hard on how to empathize with the person I am speaking to before starting.

Bottom line for me is to be a good host in this process. I wrote a thread about that here explaining more.

So this has all come up in my life again.... it seems I am using this process and being a part of this process lately and I thought it might warrant discussing again.
 
hi RD :)

i learnt a lot through sherry argov' book (the only one she wrote, i think) where the motto is:
"the high-quality woman knows what she wants and she acts in order to obtain it"; this, beside many other very good (in humouristic ways) imputs, drove me to a different way/kind of communication, for instance something like:
"the high-quality woman doesn't EXPLAIN why she's having problems in relating to a circumstance which involves her partner; she doesn't relete at all", sometimes there are some kind of silences which are far powerful than thousands of complaints about the "You" standying in front of "Her" (for the "you" standying there already knows).

thanks for sharing, i'm going to read links you put here :)
 
Hey there!
So this is something I have been trying to do when I am upset with my partner, but even though I think I understand the concept I apparently don't execute it well. Often when I think I am expressing myself clearly my partner says I am using "you" statements. I'm sure he's right, even though I'm trying not to. Can you give me some examples of "I" statements that aren't really "you" statements in disguise so I can have a pattern to use or something. I'm sure with some practice I can get better at this! Thanks!
 
I think listening and being present are the most important elements of communication. So, I can't follow a communication "technique," since for me, it takes me out of the present moment to make sure I'm "doing it correctly." If I am present and simply paying attention to what's being said, really listening and not monitoring myself on how I'm doing, I can communicate what needs to be said effectively and compassionately.
 
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(Ivy League):
Regardless of how gently and/or effectively one communicates, good communication skills can never compensate for lack of merit in one's argument.


(Working class):
If you're full of shit, you're full of shit no matter how nice you are.
 
Can you give me some examples of "I" statements that aren't really "you" statements
well, i remeber an example that the Argov gives to a "wife":
he never puts new toilet paper in the bathroom: normally you find yourself in trouble because he finished it and never put/bought some new one.
it's sunday morning, no paper in the toilet; he goes in the toilet: ok, it's the right moment for you to take garbage out; then you stop chatting with the heighbour, you pass by in the garage which is so messy and maybe some music is on; you cannot hear that he's calling "daaaarling, what about toilet paper?". he'll have to face same trouble he's giving you since months.
next sunday (or whatever), again. :cool:
or: make so that, if your house allows this, you have one bathroom each: your white towel for visage will never be used again to check oil levels in the car engine.

he never cooks: feed him up with pop-corn.

well, this is about very practical subjects, but i find them interesting examples.


i'd add: a woman who is happy with herself makes so that many things become easier. :)
 
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These aren't communication methods, just passive aggressive ways of getting what you want, or teaching your partner a lesson.

Personally I find this approach somewhat mean and not very effective. Perhaps I'm just young and naive, but I'd rather not strand my partner on the toilet. Also, we don't live together so we don't fight about these things.
 
I think listening and being present are the most important elements of communication. So, I can't follow a communication "technique," since for me, it takes me out of the present moment to make sure I'm "doing it correctly." If I am present and simply paying attention to what's being said, really listening and not monitoring myself on how I'm doing, I can communicate what needs to be said effectively and compassionately.

It does take practice to actually make changes in how we communicate. I have found that I do have to think about it, but because what I was doing before wasn't working, it is necessary. When I get really riled, I tend to stray into unrelated topics. Which is kinda like using a machine gun aimed from the hip. Point, shoot, empty clip, "Opps, you mean I was supposed to aim before shooting?" So now I hear a phrase from Star Wars go through my head, but instead of "Stay on Target", it's "Stay on Topic", repeating over and over in my head.
 
It does take practice to actually make changes in how we communicate. I have found that I do have to think about it, but because what I was doing before wasn't working, it is necessary. When I get really riled, I tend to stray into unrelated topics. Which is kinda like using a machine gun aimed from the hip. Point, shoot, empty clip, "Opps, you mean I was supposed to aim before shooting?" So now I hear a phrase from Star Wars go through my head, but instead of "Stay on Target", it's "Stay on Topic", repeating over and over in my head.

Agreed. When I get angry I can't seem to use proper "I" statements that own my feelings. I never intend to blame anyone, but I do because of how accustomed I am to that style of communication. It takes really careful thought to change that in the heat of the moment, and I am still struggling with it.
 
Read some Alfred Korzybski / General Semantics. Start with Wiki and work your way from there. Then come see me and we'll have a conversation that makes sense.
 
The thing with "I" statements is that empathy is what should create them. Put your self in the other persons shoes before dishing out what you want to say. If you would be offended, hurt and unsafe to continue communicating then chances are they would feel the same way. I have found that people don't generally get when you say they are a certain way or care that much, but when they come up with it themselves because they know how someone feels when they are a certain way, they are more likely to make a change in what they are doing. They are more likely to empathize with ME. Win win if you ask me. I get to express my feelings and own them and they get to give something back in the form of making a change to better care for another.
 
Avoid "Why" questions as they tend to put the other person on the defensive. I guess it also ties into the "I" vs "you" statements.

"Why does this subject make you so upset?" vs "I'm struggling to understand your depth of emotion to this subject!"
 
Avoid "Why" questions as they tend to put the other person on the defensive. I guess it also ties into the "I" vs "you" statements.

"Why does this subject make you so upset?" vs "I'm struggling to understand your depth of emotion to this subject!"
changing "why" into "how" seems to help; "why do you feel this way, "how is it you have come to feel this way." Doesn't always work though. Also changing "but" into "and"... "But I love him too," and "And I love him too.."
 
I have problems with basic communication skills being turned into a technique or system to follow. I've taken tons of communication workshops with great teachers and what I've learned is that being present, being open, and truly listening without an agenda is the way to communicate effectively. Putting ourselves in someone else's shoes so we can hear them from their point of view is also key. All this, of course, takes practice. However, following some recipe for self-expression seems silly to me. Making sure we're adhering to some standardized process can take us out of the moment and prevent us from actually connecting with someone because we're too busy monitoring ourselves.

So, I think it's also important that we not be too rigid with ourselves. If we find a technique or process that works, don't beat ourselves up for veering off that path once in a while, or for letting volatile feelings get in the way of all the calm, rational, "I sentences" we're supposed to be having if we're enlightened. Sometimes a genuine outburst does more to get a message across than a studied, carefully constructed sentence. Develop the skills but throw away the rule book.
 
It's better when folks just come right out and say what they mean. A lot of unnecessary obfuscation happens when people try to beat around the bush out of trying to protect each other from the truth and/or reality.
 
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