GreenMom's Blog

Oh geez. Aggressively guilting his partner for pointing out his mistakes. That is some Orwellian level bullshit right there. Just because you've decided not to end the marriage, it doesn't mean you have to engage with him as a partner on more than the level of life-logistics. If he wants more, maybe *he* should commit to going to therapy too.
 
kids in the mix

Hey Greenmom, I find your posts very interesting as I find myself also in my first poly relationship since having children. My husband and I were always open before having children and have been on and off since. I really struggle with the matter of allowing children to know or not. I am really battling with my own conflictions, I on one hand believe fully there is nothing wrong with poly relationships, and on the other hand am not sure if allowing our children to know is acceptable or if it will damage them. Have you come across this situation, if so what is your stance? any input is totally appreciated.
 
Thanks for the support, folks.

earthlovemother, welcome to the forums. :) Regarding letting kids know, honestly, I think that will vary depending on family dynamics. My kids are only 2 & 4, and Marty's child is 4, so we don't really get questions. But also, there is nothing I would do or say in front of the kids that would elicit any questions - with my husband or my boyfriend. Yes, we hug, we may even kiss or snuggle, but that's about it - and I am affectionate to a degree with many of my friends, insofar as hugging goes.

Good luck determining what would work best for your family. I'm FAR from an expert - very much a "poly newbie" still even after six months in my "N" - but I would recommend not mentioning anything to your kids til you are absolutely sure it is a good idea and will do no harm.


Now, onto my update.

Things have been bad. That's why I haven't been blogging more to be honest. I get tired about just posting negatively all the time. Things with husband are at times friendly, but romantically/sexually very awkward. I just don't trust him, and that makes enjoying such things hard for me. Every time I see he has posted on "her" fb page, or vice versa, I start to wonder if their phone calls have started again. Or when he comes to bed late, etc. I don't know how to work past this.

Things with Marty have been, well, non-existant. We haven't seen each other in about a month due to scheduling conflicts, and my recent tendency to just hole up and ignore the entire world. I am supposed to be seeing him tomorrow night, pending how he feels. The positive - incredibly awesome positive - he is treating his anxiety disorder again! He's been back in therapy for about 3 wks and goes back on his meds starting tomorrow. I know it can take a month or so for effects to start being seen but I am so relieved, and for the first time in a long time optomistic. He was so much lighter, not worried or super anxious, before he went off the meds and stopped therapy. I have hopes that perhaps my patience and attempts at understanding may payoff. I have done my best to support him - I have supported him too much, some have told me - to me that is what you do for someone you care about.

The month of no face time and only sporadic text/IM's has also taught me that I really do want him in my life, and I have stepped back and realized that what we had before? It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad. If we could get back to how things were then, but just add in a couple solo dates a month, I'd be a happy camper.

I was also able to schedule an appointment with a couselor to start my own therapy. I don't start until August - I found a provider willing to see me on Saturdays, but the downside is a bit of a wait. It will be worth the wait to not have more appts to take off of work for, though.

That's all for now.
 
I'm sorry to hear that things are rough right now. :/ It's so great to hear that Marty is getting treatment, though! Here's hoping things will get better all around.
 
Thanks, Annabel. :)

My date night ended up getting cancelled, again, due to bf being sick. So instead I spent several hours reading a book and taking some much needed chill time, since the kids were nice enough to go to bed on time with no fighting for a change.

I'm doing some work on a concept I've seen nycindie and some others post about - being my own primary. I think even though I am married and therefore in a relationship I have classed primary - if only because of the legal bond, and the familial bond of having children (meaning, I've never "ranked" emotional attachments - make sense?) - especially with everything I am going through this year, it would be very beneficial to me to be less co-dependent and focus more on taking care of myself. This would probably enable me to be a better mother, a better wife, a better girlfriend, etc etc.
 
I am going to be blogging a lot more in upcoming months I think - both here and in my personal, private blog - because I have a lot of things I want to work on within myself.

My ongoing to-do list:

-be less co-dependent on those I am in romantic/sexual relationships with
-be less dependent on validation from others
-be less willing to put myself out to make things work if others aren't making effort
-be more forgiving of the human condition and remembering that everyone's problems/thoughts are the most important to them - and that does not mean people are not compassionate
-get back on a regular exercise schedule
-go out of my house unrelated to work, errands, or kids at least twice a week
-broaden my circle of local, within-my-city, friends
-be open to dating around more
-speak clearly about what my wants and needs are as they arise, rather than stewing over them
-stop assuming the worst of everything (i.e. OMG I Haven't heard from boyfriend in a couple days, clearly he doesn't think about me at all and I don't matter at all, or, OMG my friend hasn't responded to my email all week she must not want to be my friend anymore)

As I posted in her thread, I just read nycindie's blog start to finish this week, and I must say that it made me think a lot. Her approach to one of her lover-friendships is something that I could learn a lot from, and would probably greatly enhance what I have (don't have?) with Marty. I realize that a lot of the pressure on that relationship was put there by me. And I realize a lot of that was me feeling guilty about being a married woman who was sleeping with another man. He had to be my boyfriend! The romance must be more important than the friendship! I don't just "do this" with friends, I mean, it's SEX! gasp!

I don't judge others for having a wide variety of partners, but I judge myself for having two partners concurrently. Having had a total of four partners my adult life.

I keep on expecting Marty and I to be more like Derrick and I, or himself and Kitty. Why? They live together and have a kid. We live together and have kids. It can't be the same. It won't be the same. My expectations have been neither realistic nor fair.

I do think there are some things it is okay for me to expect, and I will be privately writing about it in more detail so that when an opportune time presents I can speak about it with Marty. I think it is okay for me to expect to feel valued. I think it is okay for me to expect some level of considerate behavior. I think I should feel safe to express my emotions and not worry that additional connotation will be attached to them. I think it is okay for me to expect at least a couple "solo" dates a month, as schedules permit, rather than all our get togethers being group/family be default. But I think it is fair of me to understand that most of our time WILL be group/family oriented. That is the reality of having kids, especially since we both have kids the same age who get along.

I think it may be very good for me to open up and look for another dating friend who lives closer to me, maybe even one who does not have kids so I don't have the exact same situation I do now, but I admit, I am terrified if I start looking actively, so will he, and we already get so little time together. Which is silly, because we aren't exclusive. He could be looking anytime he wanted to. I think I got a false sense of security since early on we both declared we were done looking, we wanted quality over quantity, didn't have a desire to have a bunch of different partners, etc.

But the simple truth is that we aren't partners. I would be open to having a deeper relationship, but I don't know if that will ever happen, and I can't force it to happen. I do know that I value what we have had, and I have hopes that if I can keep my head on straight, I can continue to enjoy it. And part of that is speaking up when I feel like he is treating my poorly. But part of that also, is not blowing everything up out of proportion and letting my internal, self-conscious, depressed monologue color everyday dealings.

A friend of mine has been dating a man casually for 2-3 months and it blows my mind that they don't really talk at all between dates. They see each other generally once a week, and their contact between dates is a couple texts to set up the next date. I get upset if I don't get to spend hours a day on chat with Marty, I miss the video chats we used to do, I yearn for phone calls (he's not a phone person). Why do I need such constant contact? Well, I admit part of it is simply that I know he's home and his default is to be online. But again to be honest with myself - what do I have to talk about for that long, for that frequency? Nothing really. A few kid or work anecdotes, maybe something about a game we play or a new movie.

I keep comparing this to previous relationships that have had distance involved. I would spend hours and hours on instant messenger, on the phone, etc. But when I think back to the content of those conversations, well... how do I say this nicely? There was none. It was fluff. It was waxing romantic about wanting to see each other in person again, and pet names, and sexy talk.

I may not talk to Marty as often, I may rarely have his undivided attention as when he's on chat, he's either at home with his son, or at work, but we talk about our lives. It may not be romantic, there are no pet names, flirting is awkward if best and rarely occurs. But we talk about our kids, and our work, and anything new in our lives. We talk about our struggles and our goals and our joys. We have substance. And I do catch myself at times holding things back, so there is something left to say on dates.

Maybe this is another difference in what makes a mature "grown up" relationship (says the "old" 30 yr old... ha!). Whereas in my more youthful dalliances we had the constant contact and fluffy words, now things cool down from the excitement in-each-others-pockets phase quickly into something that could, just maybe, be more long lasting. IF -- it is not stifled. Stifled by drama, by high expecations, etc.

More to come soon I am sure, as I continue to ruminate.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I see you've picked up on some of the things I rediscovered as a result of reading and joining the forum. It's so EASY to get lost in the day-to-day responsibilities you completely forget that you were your own primary before the husband, before the kids, before the humdrum, yadda yadda. And honestly, getting back to that can only enhance the relationships you have with others.

Great to see. :)
 
Being your own primary is a great goal to always keep in mind, especially when relationships become chaotic or confusing. BTW, I got that idea from Redpepper. Oftentimes, if I get caught up in feeling needy, clingy, lonely, or desperate, I hear Redpepper's voice in my mind (or, at least the voice I imagine her having - I've never met her so haven't heard her speak!) saying, "Be your own primary, be your own primary." It helps!

I am definitely not the type of person who needs daily contact. But I don't think that needing daily contact in and of itself indicates co-dependency or neediness, but if you feel bereft without it or like your day is incomplete, then it could very well be useful to question why you depend on it so badly. It is good that you are looking at these things, asking yourself what you want and why, and figuring out ways to be happy and secure in yourself. Even if nothing in your situation looks different outwardly, all your inner work will benefit you.

Also, thank you for what you wrote in your message to me. :)
 
Last edited:
Questioning why I feel that way, that's a very good idea.

Off the topic of my head...

- I already know I've feeling very insecure and clingy right now, in wake of having learned of my husband's indiscretions.
- - However, it's not anyone's job other than mine to validate me. I'm going to repeat that again. It's not anyone's job other than mine to validate me. I am the one who chose to take it as a personal thing that my husband strayed, when really, it was him making his own choices, and not really thinking about me at all. While that does hurt, I don't have to allow it to make me feel "less" anymore.

- Marty and I have not seen each other in over a month, and for a month preceeding that, only a couple times for brief intervals with children/friends.
- - Summer is busy. He's working extra hours. I'm doing extra projects. I shouldn't expect, schedule we set nonwithstanding, that it will always work out. I should expect that things will work out when they can. It is very hard, but we are in frequent contact, and it isn't always me reaching out.

I think those are the main two reasons I've been so "OMG why is he posting on facebook but not talking to me" or "The whole weekend has passed and I have heard nothing". I HATE BEING THIS WAY. I did a MUCH better job this weekend of avoiding those behaviors. How? I kept super busy. I cleaned the house and sorted through stacks of papers that had been waiting for the recycle bin, the file cabinet, or the shredder. I grocery shopped, I returned some shoes that didn't fit my daughter, I ran other errands. I cleaned some more. I had music playing the whole day, other than the hours I carved out for quiet time reading a book. I finished an entire book and lost myself in the story. I gamed. I played with the kids. I took the kids on almost all the errands, which made them take longer, and kept me way busier doing them, lol. I did my monthly "Try and meet people on OKC" and sent messages to about 10 new people (for friendship, primarily - I desperately need more local friends).

I am going to admit something I am pretty ashamed of. I have become that girl who waits for the phone to ring. Only instead of the phone, I sit at my laptop logged into chat programs, waiting to get a message. I keep my phone handy waiting for texts. I constantly check to see who is and is not logged on. IT IS PATHETIC.

Know what? This weekend, I was online a bit, but mostly I kept busy, and when online, it was for a purpose (responding to mails, playing a game). People know how to reach me if they want to, and I have things to do. I was so much less depressed by just doing these things.

I found that I was snapping at my husband a lot this weekend for trivial things. I know this is because I am still very resentful of having my nice, comfy marriage all shaken up, and the fact I am constantly waiting to find out he is back with her behind my back again. I think that tonight once kiddos are in bed, I need to do something I've been avoiding, and talk to him about it. Perhaps Mom will keep her door open to listen for the rare wake up, so that he and I can take a walk. Then I can combine talking with fitness, which is another habit I need to restart.
 
I have a date tonight! TONIGHT! Impulsive Green Mom today, LOL. This is someone I messaged in my monthly "attempt to meet people on OKC".... we hit it off so well that I asked her out. Yes, we just started emailing today. Yes, that is fast. But I'd much rather have a coffee tonight and see if we get along well offline before exchanging emails for months and then having a dud of a first meet up.
 
The date went okay. :) There was no kiss stealing - I'm not generally that bold on a first date (maybe I should be? heh). To me the first date with someone off the internet is generally to make sure they are who they have said they are, and I am confident in that. We got coffee and chatted for a couple hours. Conversation went easily along, there weren't any major things we disagreed on (politics, religion, etc). I'm unsure if this will be a dating thing, or a friends thing.

I'm not very practiced at dating. Three of my four "significant" relationships have all happened after there were months of chatting online and on phone, so by the time a face to face happened, there were already some sort of feelings there, and the romance blossomed easily and without effort. The "fourth" - Marty - we'd been chatting online with a couple video chats for a couple weeks before we met, we had one family get together to make sure we were who we said we were, and then on our first solo date, spent about five hours wandering around and talking, then snuggled during a movie, which led to our first kiss, which over the next couple weeks continued to escalate romantically/sexually.

The woman I saw last night - I think I will call her Pink, heh - I literally had just sent her an initial email yesterday morning. We emailed back and forth all morning/early afternoon so I impulsively asked her out, and we determined we were both free last night, so, yeah. It is the first time I've gone on a date without already having such a "feel" for the person from hours and hours of online and/or phone chatting and already having affectionate feelings in place. So while I enjoyed the conversation, managed to flirt a bit, and would like to see her again - I'm just not certain where things go from here.
 
I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary.
 
That's the right spirit. There is nothing much I can add in general, I just wanted you to know, that I am sorry for all those hardships you recently encountered. Take care.
 
Saw Marty last Sunday for the first time in far too long, thanks to the insanity of summer and such. It was a decent afternoon/evening. I took my son over to play with his son. We were able to chat and game a bit around that, but a lot of the focus was on watching the kiddos. After Kitty got home from work, we all ate/watched a movie, then they did some cleaning and such while I made sure the boys didn't break themselves or anything else. Marty was still feeling very poorly so I kept my distance, but oh, it was hard. Being around him in person again after so long reminded me of just how incredibly attractive I find him. I'm hoping that this Weds our date night happens, and I do not plan to take my kiddo. I don't want much, just a quiet evening watching a movie and snuggling. I know Kitty and their son will be home so it's not like we'd have any privacy anyway.

Also still work in progress on the whole "I am my own primary" thing. That's a whole lot easier said than done, isn't it? I just miss Marty so much and wish I knew what to do to bridge this distance that's been growing. I really want to make it work. I'm trying to take more of the "lover-friends" approach, and wrap my brain around that. Being more independent, not worrying immediately "oh no, he's just not into me because of (insert stupid reasoning from my depressed brain)". I'm trying the whole "if you love someone let them go" etc etc insofar as backing off these past couple months and trying to give him the space he has needed, I just hope as the next couple weeks pack and he gets re-used to being on the meds again, that things level out and some of my needs can get met again.

The other work in progress is the state of my marriage. We've basically been living as roommates insofar as little to no physical affection or romance. Still haven't been able to pin down time for a talk - it's really hard with the kids and my mom, and it seems anytime we could talk one of us is sick. Friday evening is probably the next opportunity we'll have, since he works Tues & Thurs.
 
Thank you

GreenMom - I just wanted to send you a quick thank you - your blog as helped me a lot. I've been reading your entries (and chanting, I am my own primary along with you) ;) I appreciate your candid comments and insights! It's giving me more to think about in my own life...
 
I'm glad my blog could help, pocket. :)
 
And it is another day of chanting "I am my own primary, I am my own primary, I am my own primary" to try and stave off the feelings of worthlessness and sadness that again, Marty has a conflict for our "scheduled" time. And that the "conflict" is "wanting a quiet night after helping his mother this afternoon". Hearing things like that makes me feel like I'm this horrible inconvenience and impossible to relax with... which hurts given the fact that when we get together midweek its generally to just sack out and watch netflix or play a board game. Meh.

I am my own primary. I am my own primary. I am my own primary.
 
To throw my readers a slightly less depressing entry.... I'm now engaged in email exchange/mild flirtation with one half of a couple in my area. I'm leery of dating a couple, but given the fact that I am not looking for any more partnerships, but more so for lover-friends (trademark nycindie, hehe), I'm not closed to the idea. He and I are hitting it off as well as folks can with just text based converastion, we have a lot in common, he is local, so I am cautiously hopeful while trying not to get as "squee maybe a new person" as I have been the past two months, since that has caused me to get disappointed way too many times.

But I can't lie. I am squee-ing a little. He kept talking to me after seeing my picture, and so far most stop talking to me once I send one, which has started to give me a bit of a complex even though I know I am not ugly.
 
. . . given the fact that I am not looking for any more partnerships, but more so for lover-friends (trademark nycindie, hehe) . . .
I must give credit where credit is due - I got that term from Sourgirl. She talked about lover-friends in a few of her posts and I adopted it. Do a search for her posts, she has not been here in a while, but is full of wisdom, humor, and a no-nonsense approach.

Glad to see an upbeat happy outlook for you! You go girl!
 
Back
Top