Touch

well, you kind of are, but you made me think about the book "the five love languages" and how touch is one of the five ways people need to feel loved or express love. Gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation and time are the other four... according to the book.

some need touch above others and also need to give touch. What does one do in a relationship if ones partner is uncomfortable about touch when you are in need of it or seeing anther partner be touched who feels love through touch more?

This is a tricky one for Mono and I as he has a hard time with how much I like to touch people and flirt. He chooses to close himself off and not look sometimes... or not hear about it. He thinks I don't touch others around me on purpose so as to not upset him and there are time I have done that, but lately I like the balance that has been created by his just not looking. Not that I touch more, but feel better about not hurting him when I do. It's kind of a don't ask don't tell (DADT) policy around touch actually :confused: :eek: Is that healthy I wonder?
I have that book, and like it rather much - Darla likes it too. Naturally I would have my own answers to the questions you post, redpepper, but they wouldn't pertain to you guys probably.
 
I have that book, and like it rather much - Darla likes it too. Naturally I would have my own answers to the questions you post, redpepper, but they wouldn't pertain to you guys probably.

Hi Catbird. Why not share your ideas with all of us? This thread isn't specifically about Redpepper and me, it's about the idea of touch in general. Maybe your ideas will benefit everyone regardless of who they directly pretain to :)
 
Glad I read this. Thanks for bringing it up. My natural level of affection when both spice are around seems ok I am pretty reserved in mixed company anyway but alone with them I am very cuddly to each. Neither of my "boys" have brought it up but maybe now i will to see what they think.
 
Richard and I recently met another couple. They've been married since high school. We had a nice day and evening with them which ended up in bed. Richard is a very affectionate guy. Early in the date, he was beginning to touch the other woman (I'll call her Gina) and you could tell she loved it. He began to show her a lot of affection which was appropriate at the party. On the other hand, her husband (I'll call him Tom) was not interested in physical affection whatsoever. Gina did confirm to me "that's just how he is"......so anyway....There was a period of about 45 minutes when Gina, Richard and I just snuggled and cuddled in bed together. Hugging, stroking, kissing, saying sweet things to each other etc. Tom wasn't interested. He just sortof sat there...watching us, I guess. Not sure what he was doing, but we enjoyed it sooooo much and so did Gina!! Looking back on the evening, the snuggling was the most enjoyable part of the entire date for me and Richard and we felt good about being able to share that with Gina since she doesn't get to experience that with her husband of 35 years. We are looking forward to and hoping for another "snuggle date" with Gina!!!
 
Hi Catbird. Why not share your ideas with all of us? This thread isn't specifically about Redpepper and me, it's about the idea of touch in general. Maybe your ideas will benefit everyone regardless of who they directly pretain to :)
Thank you! It's very nice of you to ask my opinions. Seems like the big question here is 'What if one person is big on touch and their lover isn't?' or 'What if one needs words of affirmation and the other isn't so hot on giving them?' or other what ifs where one or both could be better satisfied or gratified.

The book redpepper has talks about these things. It comes down to this: each person speaks his own love language. Necessarily, logically, the chance that his lover will speak the same love language is very small. It is almost always necessary for each lover to learn the other's language. This takes practice and concentration. It doesn't come naturally or easily.

It is very, very worthwhile, though, if both (or all) are willing to work at it, and recognize that it's necessary. Darla and I are having problems with it right now, and I hope we fix them.
 
I think I'd like to read this book. It sounds interesting. Does it give ways to find out what your language of love is?
 
I think I'd like to read this book. It sounds interesting. Does it give ways to find out what your language of love is?

I need to be honest, haven't read the whole thing. My household hasn't gotten that far, we are too damn busy.:mad: Fortunately we mean for the best. :)
 
Ha, my very first experience with sexual intercourse, when I was 15, was with a 19 year old woman who, while we were fucking, said "don't touch me, don't kiss me, don't look at me." *That* language of love was incredibly confusing to me at the time. Since then I have chalked it up to pathology, but maybe it was just a kink for her, to just be purely fucked and not have any other stimuli. At 15, I hardly even knew what the hell I was doing, let alone how to create a space for someone else.

Anyway, maybe I missed it, but has anyone mentioned massage? I love being in sexual/romantic relationship with women who enjoy exchanging non-erotic massage. It's not cuddling, really, and not goal-oriented sexual either. But it is a form of tactile bonding and healing that I find deeply satisfying. I actually broke it off with a woman who hated giving or receiving non-erotic massage. I missed it too much.

Immaterial
 
Anyway, maybe I missed it, but has anyone mentioned massage? I love being in sexual/romantic relationship with women who enjoy exchanging non-erotic massage. It's not cuddling, really, and not goal-oriented sexual either. But it is a form of tactile bonding and healing that I find deeply satisfying. I actually broke it off with a woman who hated giving or receiving non-erotic massage. I missed it too much.

Immaterial
I always like having my back done; and my neck; and my toes. And also erotic massage. Oh, what the hell, everything. :rolleyes:
 
I love touching. Its a huge need for me. I've read the love languages book too, it was one of the first things that made a lightswitch go off in my head about my marriage and how we were each missing the things we did to be loving.

My hubby's main language is acts of service. I never used to appreciate this at all, but he will fill up my car with petrol, even the other day when we were out in seperate cars and I needed to fill up on the way home he followed me there, parked up and jumped out of his car and got to my car fast enough to deal with the pump and pay for the fuel before I could get out. A few years ago I could have interpreted that differently but he did that in front of our friends despite them teasing him. Its not my love language but I've learned to feel his actions as love.

Touch is for me massively important and he has learned to touch me much much more and not stiffen when I need to touch him frequently during the day.

My ex, who I have recently (over the last year) developed an interest in seeing more of, and I have always been cuddly. We've always been 'allowed' to do more cuddling and nonsexual touching than I would with any other man since I met my husband and we all hung out together.

Interestingly having just returned from living in France where its very normal to kiss everyone on the cheek and have close contact on greeting and leaving people, I feel the lack of it in my life. British people in general are awkward about hugs with friends although I have friends who are not of course, I really miss the sense of relaxation and intimacy in the presence of others that I got from those greeting kisses between everyone in the room.
 
Hugs hello and goodbye are big here. I wouldn't say its a canadian thing, west coast maybe?, but at least a hand shake with a pat on the shoulder between men is. Women hug hello and some give a kiss on the cheek. I do this. I'm always thrilled to be near people. My parents are British, they are very hands off with people although my mum is an arm toucher. I have that quality too.
 
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Hugs hello and goodbye are big here. I wouldn't say its a canadian thing, west coast maybe?, but at least a hand shake with a pat on the shoulder between men is. Women hug hello and some give a kiss on the cheek. I do this. I'm always thrilled to be near people. My parents are British, they are very hands off with people although my mum is an arm toucher. I have that quality too.
I used to know people in Los Angeles who hugged a lot. It's definitely not a custom in Missouri, which I think is too bad.
 
Interesting thread. In my family close contact was not automatically given -- according to family legend, my paternal grandmother once said "I wish humans could procreate like fish, without touching each other." That's not to say affection was lacking; my parents were very affectionate. But we are word people.

Since then I've found a deep affinity for touch -- I want to rub those shoulders, smooth the long muscles that go from the base of the spine up to the neck, feel fingers clasping mine. Tactile intelligence and expressiveness. It's great, innit?! But my upbringing makes me feel like I need permission to do that. It's special. I need to know someone is OK with it, and what the role of touch is in that situation: friendly or romantic, casual, comforting, whatever.

If I fight with a lover that's how she'll be able to reconnect: just use those hands. Then the words of reconciliation will come. So important!
 
If I fight with a lover that's how she'll be able to reconnect: just use those hands. Then the words of reconciliation will come. So important!

Oh I so agree. Very important. Its like a reminder is needed through energy. Healing hands can be where it starts. That kind of touch works wonders for me when I'm angry.
 
Oh I so agree. Very important. Its like a reminder is needed through energy. Healing hands can be where it starts. That kind of touch works wonders for me when I'm angry.

It's hard to stay angry when you are being touched.
 
I totally agree. If hubby and I need to have a serious conversation we've found that sitting at opposite sides of the room makes us more likely to end up arguing over it. If we sit entwined with each others bodies the tone is utterly different and we are much more likely to work together to find a solution rather than ending up in opposition.
 
I totally agree. If hubby and I need to have a serious conversation we've found that sitting at opposite sides of the room makes us more likely to end up arguing over it. If we sit entwined with each others bodies the tone is utterly different and we are much more likely to work together to find a solution rather than ending up in opposition.

I like this.^^^^


Never been a touchy person myself, except in a relationship, then I'm very touchy. I lose sleep because I try to fall asleep cuddling but the cuddling feels so good that it keeps me awake. This kind of thing makes me wonder if I need to incorporate more touch into my everyday life. I've tried to be more of a touchy person with people I have conversations with, a hand on a shoulder or a tap on someone's arm to make a point... that kind of thing. And I love when I need to touch someone to get their attention for some reason (if they're in my way and I need to get by, for example.) I just like having an excuse to touch a complete stranger!

Or when the hot yoga class is packed and you accidentally brush fingers with the cutie next to you while changing poses... Mmm that's a good touch!
 
There is nothing more romantic and bonding to me (other than things sexual) than holding hands. I mean really feeling someones hand. experiencing it and loving it as if it is their whole self. The hands are so much the most used part of the body I think. I love treating them tenderly and with love.

took this from another thread but wanted to put it here as a reminder of what touch is all about for me...

also thinking about kissing and massage... oh so much to do!
 
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