NEWGUY's BLOG Thoughts....about all things....

To stick to the facts: I don't see the 'problem' being located with NewGuy alone. He said, he 'offered' to set her free and she didn't want that and stayed on his terms being set as basic rules. She accepted them, therefore I don't think that he is to blame for stating what he feels comfortable with or not, if she communicated that she would be fine with it.

We have talked about the whole mess you two are in already, NewGuy, I understand that you feel offended by many of the opinions voiced here, but please note that most are arguing based on concepts of equality for all. Those voices aren't purely female and they are not picking on you because of you being male and doing this. Anyone doing something this unbalanced to a partner would have received this answers.


Thanks Phy...
I needed that.
 
Today's thoughts

JUST MY THOUGHTS

Boundaries....every poly relationship has boundaries. I have read a lot of stories, posts, and blogs on this site and others, were some poly relationship boundaries are broken by someone in the relationship.

My boundary...No longterm, intimate, sexual relationship with any man. Friendships are cool with anyone, dates cool, hanging out cool, but no sex. (men only)

Her boundaries:
1) No anal play with another woman at all (even if she wants it)
2) No hurting their feelings, if it's just sex she has to know
3) No fingers in strippers at the club
4) No sleeping with strippers
5) I (PK) want to meet the woman(s) that you have sex with

What PK really wants (for me) is that I have a steady girlfriend, that I will eventually fall in love with (even if she can't have another man).

My thoughts, I can't intimately and sexually love two (or more) women at the same time. My fear is if I give her what she want, then my love for her will deminish. I know (now) that there are folks that can do this...I am not one of them.

I don't want to have sex with other women...because I feel that it is unfair to PK. This is something that I told her a while ago before I ever knew about her Poly feelings. Now that I do know, and moved past the 'manipulation' feelings, I want sex with other women...I think that I (on some unknown level) feel the need to be with another to start the healing from the (pontetial) lose of PK.

I can't wait until she gets back from this deployment...I'll see her next month when I visit her but she won't be back until April.

THOUGHTS ENDED
 
Thinking about my Visit to see PK

MY Thoughts
I'm going to see PK next month...EXCITED!!!!!

First visit since our open communication started...EXCITED!!!!

First visit since I found out about Poly.....Scared...

Ok...so I don't think it will be any different...not really worried but the thought did cross my mind if it may be awkard....

Anyway, I hope we will have the same fun as last time...lot of cuddling, hand holding, quality time. and a hell of a lot of sex!!!!

We went snorkling...then sex on the boat...skinny dipping...(I know some of you may think 'no big deal' but all of this was on a US military base...so excitingly illegal...


I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

MY Thoughts over....
 
Here's the thing, no one is wrong for how they feel. Feelings are allowed! No poly person is going to tell you you are wrong for how you feel. Poly people are not trying to tell you that you HAVE to be poly or you HAVE to have any kind of relationship. The point is, it's up to you what kind of relationship you want.

A lot of people here have a lot more experience with all kinds of relationships. You know what they say, "Good decisions come from experience, experience comes from bad decisions." So yeah, advice is offered in hopes other people don't have to gain the sometimes hard and heart breaking experience!

I've read, almost all the posts in all the threads, yours and PKs. Some opinions I keep to myself because, well honestly there are a lot of things people here believe or do that I personally would not or would not want. I don't care, if it works for them, then awesome, it's just not me. Other things, well they honestly upset me a lot. Here's some of the things I got from all your posts.

1. PK doesn't REALLY like women. At most she said 2% and there's actually been discussion on being afraid of vaginas. As a pansexual/bi woman, that offends me to no end! She's said she will try being with a woman because that is what you would be comfortable with. That's utter BS. Not because of what you want, but because SHE would do that. If it was me PK was trying to date and I found out HALF of that I'd be pissed, and feel used. She should NOT be dating women if she's afraid of vagina and only doing it because then she can date SOMEONE.

2. You don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who is dating other men. Fine. Dandy. Don't be. I'm terribly sorry to break this to you but just because you love someone doesn't mean you HAVE to have a relationship with them. It doesn't even mean you SHOULD! It hurts, yeah, I've loved people that together we were just not good for each other. Love doesn't end, but relationships sometimes have to. You want to make compromises for each other, that is AWESOME! It doesn't mean it will work. Compromising on having a sex buddy and only when you can't have who you want is, degrading. To everyone.
 
1. PK doesn't REALLY like women. At most she said 2% and there's actually been discussion on being afraid of vaginas. As a pansexual/bi woman, that offends me to no end! She's said she will try being with a woman because that is what you would be comfortable with. That's utter BS. Not because of what you want, but because SHE would do that. If it was me PK was trying to date and I found out HALF of that I'd be pissed, and feel used. She should NOT be dating women if she's afraid of vagina and only doing it because then she can date SOMEONE.

2. You don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who is dating other men. Fine. Dandy. Don't be. I'm terribly sorry to break this to you but just because you love someone doesn't mean you HAVE to have a relationship with them. It doesn't even mean you SHOULD! It hurts, yeah, I've loved people that together we were just not good for each other. Love doesn't end, but relationships sometimes have to. You want to make compromises for each other, that is AWESOME! It doesn't mean it will work. Compromising on having a sex buddy and only when you can't have who you want is, degrading. To everyone.

I second every bit of this.
 
Thanks?

Vixtoria,

Thanks for sharing your opinion.


Arrowbound,

Thanks for co-signing Vixtoria's opinion.

I have considered what you said and I can tell you that I told (informed) PK that I DIDN'T want her to be with a woman for me...In fact, I have been asking her to leave me because I don't think my feelings will ever change. I love her to much to leave her so I can't be the one to 'break it off'...I'm hers until she finds another...

Now, when you say, "Compromising on having a sex buddy and only when you can't have who you want is, degrading." Not sure if that ws for me or PK...if it was for me, I'm lost of the degrading part....I was not in a relationship, (before) and had sex buddies...they knew that it wasn't going anywhere else...they liked that fact as much as I did....are you saying that just sex between two people if they both agree that it's just sex and nothing more is degrading?....

Please don't think that I'm twisting your words...just trying to get a better understanding...
 
No, she's saying that basically the compromising part is degrading. That if you want a loving relationship/partnership but give in and agree instead to a sex buddy just because that's all that's being offered, it is degrading to oneself and as well as to the other person. It would be letting yourself be used for sex when it's not what you really want. If both people really want it, that's cool.
 
No, she's saying that basically the compromising part is degrading. That if you want a loving relationship/partnership but give in and agree instead to a sex buddy just because that's all that's being offered, it is degrading to oneself and as well as to the other person. It would be letting yourself be used for sex when it's not what you really want. If both people really want it, that's cool.

Ok...degrading to PK...

Let me say this, PK would never use anyone (male or female) as a sex buddy...yes, she is trying to see if she could have an intimate relationship with a woman...will it lead to sex? I don't know...will the relationship even develop? Again, I don't know...will she have sex with anyone for the sake of sex, NO...

So there is no chance of PK having a sex buddy...if anything, she would be the one on that sex buddy side of any relationship.

Thanks for responding and clarifying....
 
Ok...degrading to PK...
And degrading to the other person she'd be a "fuck buddy' with. You have to think about the other person, too. It's not just about you and PK when there's another person.

That was another major point of Vixtoria's post. From the point of view of the woman PK would get involved with, if PK really wanted a relationship with a man but got involved with a woman just because she wasn't "allowed" to have a man, that woman would feel used and unimportant. No one wants to be second choice.
 
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All read please

HELLO ALL....

I asking you all to please don't critize PK on this thread...I have asked her not to respond or post because these are my thoughts adn I didn't want her defending me or trying to explain to you guys what I meant....so, because she chose to honor my reqeust, I don't feel it fair for her to be critized without her being able to respond...

I know that you may feel differently and want to express your feeling and if you feel the need to critize PK, please use one of our other threads....

Now as for me...have at it...critize all you want...her or on other threads.

Thanks in advance for your consideration in this matter.

WR,

Newguy
 
Ok...degrading to PK...

Let me say this, PK would never use anyone (male or female) as a sex buddy...yes, she is trying to see if she could have an intimate relationship with a woman...will it lead to sex?

So did you read this part???? I mean before you posted the below???


And degrading to the other person she'd be a "fuck buddy' with. You have to think about the other person, too. It's not just about you and PK when there's another person.

That was another major point of Vixtoria's post. From the point of view of the woman PK would get involved with, if PK really wanted a relationship with a man but got involved with a woman just because she wasn't "allowed" to have a man, that woman would feel used and unimportant. No one wants to be second choice.

I think you did read it all...so I would assume that the statement still saying PK would even have a "fuck buddy" was just a filler to get your next part in...

OK, you say "no one wants to be second choice" but most Poly relationship have a primary (husband or wife) and a SECONDary...or thirdary ect.

Or...are you now trying to say that Vixtoria was trying to say that because PK is exploring the possibility of loving another woman...and IF they (PK and the other woman) falls in love with each other, the other woman should feel used because PK didn't know she could love a woman until it happened?....

Or...could it be that you needed another way of saying that I won't "allow" PK to be with another man...have you been reading my thoughts? PK is "allowed" to love whomever she choses.

You see, I thought your first comment of explaining Vixtoria statement made sense (even though it may or may not be accurate because Vixtoria is the only one who KNOWS what she meant)...but this comment on what was Vixtoria's major points, sounds more like your instead of hers....

Either way, I'll say again...PK would never have sex with anyone just for the sake of having sex...that with a male, female, or hermapherdite (sp)
 
No, I get what you're saying. What I wrote was just an illustration. I know you've said she can do what she wants, and you would rather leave her than be poly but you can't leave because it hurts too much, so you want her to decide. And I know she's said she will be with a woman, even though vaginas scare her, because she feels like being with a man would hurt you too much.

What I wrote was just to illustrate a point, and everything we're saying is hypothetical. If this, if that... you know?

And we are not criticizing her or you, but we are critiquing an approach you two are considering. There are plenty of members here who are in relationships together, and it isn't criticism to talk to one person about the other, to help solve a problem. We all know both of you can read the thread. Now, critiquing is different from criticizing, it is just a way of talking about good points and bad points about something. Try to understand that everyone here shares opinions to be helpful.

So, my explanation was an illustration IF she felt she wasn't allowed to be with a man and chose to be with a woman. Because she thought you could live better with that instead. And that is almost the same as if you were forbidding her because...

Either way, the woman she chooses to be with would not be her first choice. PK would rather be with a guy, so the woman is second. Like, saying, "I want vanilla ice cream, but all they have is chocolate, so I guess I'll have chocolate." That is what I meant by "no one wants to be second choice." It has nothing to do with "primary," or "secondary," it has everything to do with not being the first choice someone wants. Would you like it if someone walked up to you and said, "I'd really rather be with that guy over there, but you'll do." It's making a compromise to have less than what you want, and the person you're settling for feels like shit about it, too. Get it?
 
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Like, saying, "I want vanilla ice cream, but all they have is vanilla, so I guess I'll have that." That is what I meant by "no one wants to be second choice."

I think you meant, 'I want chocolate, but all that's available is vanilla. So, I'll have vanilla.'

?
 
I think you meant, 'I want chocolate, but all that's available is vanilla. So, I'll have vanilla.'

Oops, I see my mistake. Now I edited it to reflect my first choice: vanilla. I've been known to turn down ice cream altogether, if I couldn't have vanilla.
 
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I'm a little curious. Is there a reason the issue of additional relationships, in whatever form, cannot be "postponed" for a little while? Do these decisions have to be made right now?

A lot of people introduce polyamory as a concept, let it rest for awhile, and then continue the discussion later, if needed. Or if this is a deal-breaker, decide whether to stay together or not.

I think Newguy already made his position clear about additional relationships: no. If PK still needs polyamory, she needs a different fiance. If she needs Newguy, she needs to give up non-monogamy.

My 2 cents.
 
Just a quick note, NYCindie had it right. As far as what I found degrading. Just sex is cool as long as everyone is on the same page. Have at it! Feeling you are in a relationship with someone because they can't have what they want so they took you is like being picked last in dodgeball. It sucks.

As I said, I've read all the threads so far and reading them all the understanding you get is that PK wants to be able to have a relationship with a man. To do this, to explore this part of herself she wanted YOU to have a relationship with a woman. That approach was critiqued as not the best one. Later it was stated that you were uncomfortable with her having an intimate relationship with another man, your boundary and that's fine, so she decided she would try with a woman. That approach was critiqued as not a good one.


Finally, the thing about primary and secondary? Please don't be fooled into thinking that meant someone is put into a second place or not as important or even just settled for. Most poly people would be unhappy that is your assumption. Labels are just that, labels, they are short hand for explaining something much more complicated. For many of us, we use the term primary simply because of how entangled our lives are. For example, the person you live with, share finances with, children with, own property with might be your primary but that does not make your other 'secondary' relationship any less. There is no 'who would you choose?' going on.

Each relationship is CHOSEN, we don't just date anyone that sparks our interest or we find attractive. When having multiple relationships you are multiplying the work of a relationship to the nth degree sometimes! So every relationship is chosen, not settled for.


** Disclaimer**
(Yes I was talking in the general 'we' at the end. No this is not true for everyone. It is, like many things, a generalization. Welcome to individuality! Can't fit us all in a box! We are the platypi!)
 
18 and a wake up!!!

MY THOUGHTS....
18 days until I see PK.....

Not sure if I'm looking forward to our first face-to-face discussion on Poly...but it has to happen...

I think, (MY THOUGHTS ONLY) that if we would have had the initial conversation in person, I would have been more incline to 'try' it because when we are together, I haven't be able to bring myself to say no to any of her requests...but, this is a big one...not sure if my feelings would have let her have her way. One would never know...

But, I'm glad that she knows where I stand and I know where she stands...I love her and never want to be without her...

END MY THOUGHTS
 
There is nothing wrong with saying "Hey, you caught me off guard and I had a knee jerk reaction. Let's start this discussion from the beginning now that we have both had more time to think about things." Keep it civil and agree to take a break when things start getting out of hand. Both of you need to remember small baby steps, your not trying to reach the top of the mountain the first day out, you are only trying to go the first 1/4 mile or so. Do NOT let the whole visit be about this one topic, HAVE FUN TOGETHER :D!
 
10 Days and a Wake Up...Am I Poly?

MY THOUGHTS

10 days and a wake up before I see MY (possesive) PK!!!!

PK sent me my clearance letter today...I'm allowed to "come in the country"...It still schocks me that I have to get permission to enter another country from my country...and I'm not talking about a passport...got that, I'm talking about "yes, you CAN come to this country that is not our" type of premission. I mean, this would be like me telling someone, "I'm going over to Jim's house to stay; althought Jim say you can come, you have to ask me first"...but I digress, why?... Cause I love my country and wouldn't trade it for the world!!!!

Anyway, I went on a platonic (sp) date (with a friend of PK and I) this weekend...needed a date for the Mardi Gras Ball...I attend the ball with my Motorcycle Club members and their significant (who all know PK) and got mixed reviews about bringing another woman around...but when I explained that PK knew and that this was not a sexual/intimate thing and that we (PK, my date, and I) are all friends; it seemed to reassure some...but a couple of them was still doubtful.

The ball was Great...my date was charming and made a great 'accessory' to my...well to me! :) Now, knowing how PK don't like to dance and I do...this would be a good situation, I have 'accessories' (dates) for dancing (and going to events PK don't want too) without sex...

My thought was, "Is this Poly?...it's a relationship, but not intimate or sexual."...My answer is Nope, not Poly...just friends...but hell, until this year I had no idea what poly was...so what do I know.

In fact, I do have that situation...I have another friend (Tee); her and I often go to events that PK don't want to attend, PK and her are friends, and I love her in a sisterly way...everyone see us together and thinks we are a couple until they see PK, Tee, and I are out and I'm all over PK...

Tee and I have a loving relationship where she tells me that she loves me and I realize that I feel the same; but not in a sexual way (mainly because she don't do oral, giving or receiving; i'm big on giving oral, like recieving it too;))...Anyway, Tee and I took our kids (hers and mine) on vacation to Six Flags (PK didn't want to go)...Tee even threw PK a going away party before her deployment.

Am I Poly and didn't know it?....I wonder.

END MY THOUGHTS
 
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