Just saying hi

MonoVCPHG

New member
I just entered a polyamourous relationship in January with Redpepper. I am monogamous, she is polyamorous and is happily married to a great guy. We are all close and the relationship is amazing! My intention is only to share thoughts from my perspective on this forum. I will refrain from commenting on things I have not experienced..at least I will try..I have a problem with taking on the pain of others so I need to withdrawal at times to process. Please don't feel disrespected if I seem to be ignoring a response or comment! Share and enjoy!
 
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I am monogomous, she is polyamorous

A very common definition of polyamory is the one provided by Wikipedia:

"Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved."​

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

Since you are clearly accepting of the polyamory of your partner, by this definition you are poly. Definitions do vary, however.

[More definitions: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=define:+polyamory&rlz=1W1SKPB_en&aq=f&oq= ]

Do you call yourself monogamous because you don't believe you could have two lovers at the same time?

I call myself poly because I am open to having additional lovers. And my partner of 12 years is poly for the same reason. We have a poly ethos, as it may be called, between us. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ethos

But while we're both of the poly ethos, neither of us has an additional lover, so we're otherwise a garden variety couple at the moment.
 
Thanks for the comment, JRiverMartin. I don't see how your definition of poly applies to me. I understand it and appreciate it, which enables me to embrace this relationship, but it is definitely a mono/poly relationship, which are well documented.

Simply put I cannot have two lovers at the same time. My wiring doesn't work that way LOL! I can't even share sexual activities on a playful level with another when I am intimately connected to someone. Trust me, I thought I could love/lust lots of women at the same time when I was married! I was married for sixteen good years but there were incidents. I was not intimately connected with my wife during these times and in fact for several years.

Maybe in the future my fundamental nature of monogamy will change and there is definitely times I wish I was polyamorous in the classical sense..or even just more open or casual sexually. Not because I want other women, but because it would make my own understanding and security greater and maybe dilute my worry about losing her. I enjoy being monogamously intimate and in love with my partner. I also enjoy being a little different and the confusion this sometimes causes to both my monogamous and polyamorous friends. I love how our relationship as a "v" has grow and done so in such a natural way. We are all very happy and the depth and communication is incredible.

I do understand the difficulties in understanding the differences in our intimate natures but I do not engage in debates to justify either. I know this works because it does. I am experiencing it.

If it weren’t for my girlfriend’s polyamorous nature I never would have been accepted into her life and experienced this level of connection. That would be incredibly sad.
Thanks again!
 
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Just to clarify. I definitely know I am in a polyamorous relationship, not a monagomous one :) Wouldn't want that to be misunderstood LOL!
 
I was listening to an Andrew Bird album when I read your last reply. Then it occurred to me that Andrew has a song by the title of "Nomenclature".

Bird's song:
http://www.6lyrics.com/music/andrew_bird/lyrics/nomenclature.aspx

dictionary definition of nomenclature: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nomenclature

Perhaps the term "polyamory" is yet too new to have come to have a common nomenclature?

In any case, I'm all for allowing people the freedom to define themselves. However, I'm also well aware of the difficulties in commuincation which may arise with everyone using their own private nomenclature.

Just in my own case, if I were not interested in having several lovers myself but had a lover who had yet another lover, I'd call myself polyamorous. Why? I suppose it has to do with solidarity with the poly movement. And, yes, there is a polyamory movement -- though not all polyamorous people are a part of that movement. (I am!) The movement's purpose is to educate the broad public about the polyamory option as a viable, morally neutral alternative to monogamy.

Those who doubt these dual root premises of the polyamory movement, and who are actively at cross-purposes, tend to be monogamists . It is one thing to practice monogamy and another to be a monogamist, with the latter being a person who subscribes to an -ism of the same sort as racism, sexism, ageism, heterosexism.... That is, they believe that they alone are good and right and acceptable..., and that children need to be "educated" in this "correct / proper / appropriate" way. It is an education in shame and in contempt, or even (sometimes) hate. And I find that sort of "education" immoral, improper, and wrong.

I'm proud to be a part of the polyamory movement.
 
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This fascinates me - the world of nomenclature and how the same words can mean different things to different people. I think if I were basically a one-lover-at-a-time person, but happily with (or happy to be with) someone who was polyamorous, I'd feel more comfortable calling myself 'monogamous but poly-friendly' than polyamorous.

I suppose it all comes down to whether - for you - being polyamorous means having/wanting more than one lover, or being in/wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship.
 
I suppose it all comes down to whether - for you - being polyamorous means having/wanting more than one lover, or being in/wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship.

I suppose either choice is as good as the other. I can totally see how someone not wanting, or even being emotionally capable (at the moment), of having more than one love/r at a time, might prefer to identify as monogamous.

I think my response has to do with social stigma against polyamory, and wanting all the parrots to come out and be visible for the liberatory power I thinik visibility has. The more polyfolk doing this, the better, I suppose. I wouldn't want to fault anyone for liking to define themselves as monogamous, for whatever reason they prefer, so long as it is honest.
 
Fair do's :)

And of course people don't have to be it to approve of it (in the same way that many millions of people have no problem with others' sexual orientation/s) and ultimately it'd be great to live in a society in which all these options are 'just what some people are into' rather than norm vs. alternative (let alone normal vs. abnormal).

I also understand the need/desire for identity labels, especially for those who experience oppression to gather around, and at the same time I dream of people being able to say: Yes, I'm in a relationship. What? oh, with a couple of other people...
 
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I dream of people being able to say: Yes, I'm in a relationship. What? oh, with a couple of other people...

I share that dream, and I think it can be made to come about -- though I don't think it will happen without a deliberate educational campaign and a lot of parrots coming out of the closet and saying, "We're here, we're poly, get used to it."

It doesn't have to be shouted or come from anger! It just needs to happen. And it doesn't have to be a parade, a circus, or a carnaval.

It would help, I think, if it were an organized effort, though.
 
Fair enough - I know there's know point my saying "If only people would just..." when they don't yet. :)

And I own that while I'm here because polyamory seems natural to me, I'm also hyper-jumpy about labels and all the assumptions they can carry - hell, I have enough trouble with "bi", since in many people's minds it still means "kinky/promiscuous". But I guess it's a menu-driven world, we have to meet it to some extent on its own terms, and say Look, there's polyamory as well as monogamy/promiscuity/celibacy/other - because people connect more easily with a named option than with just saying: I'm not doing it the way you're doing it...
 
Interesting enough me and my girlfriend talked about the issue of me referring to myself as monagomous and how it seems to strike a cord with some people. She wondered if there was a political aspect. I believe there is now.

I am proud of my relationship, proud of her and her family, proud that I appreciate the nature of polyamory and proud to be monogamous with her. I use labels to identify fundamental natures of loving and not to identify anything beyond human relationships.

I have no interest in politics or seeking acceptance from society. I simply want to share my emotional experiences from a place of knowledge as I move through this wonderful endless adventure.

I have three things that guide my friendships when talking to people about my relationship.

a) I don't need understanding
b) I certainly do not need aproval
c) To be my friend you simply have to accept that I am happy.

I am monogamous because I only love one person in an intimate way at a time. I don't work any other way.
To clarify: Intimate Love, for me, refers to love that is expressed sexually as well as through other means. I don't intimately love my parents or siblings. I intimately love my girlfriend.
 
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Reference the comment " I suppose it all comes down to whether - for you - being polyamorous means having/wanting more than one lover, or being in/wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship". (I'll figure out the quote tool later!) In my case this definitely means I am in a polyamorous relationship.

It has nothing to do with wanting anything other than to love her. I didn't fall in love with polyamory (I can barely wrap my head around it LOL); I fell in love with her. Her being polyamorous gave me the opportunity though! So I honour the love style for sure.

She could have been in any type of love style and even...dare I say it..monogamous and I would have fallen in love with her. It was my immediate trust in her that was the basis for our profound connection. I wouldn't change a thing..because this works. It challenges us and makes us communicate. Something I lost during a long marriage. I really don't care what it is called. I call it incredibly natural.

Thanks for the great discussions around this topic! I respect the points of view brought forth by each of you :)
 
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Hi I am new.
I see my relationship eventually being similar to yours. I don't think I will be able to have an intimate relationship with multiple people. Right now my hubby isn't persuing the poly life style because it upsets me but I feel bad about it. I hope it is ok to ask if you have any jealousy issues.

Thx,
Smil
 
This will be quick I'm afraid, but I will try to give you a more complete answer later.

In short..YES.....You had better believe I feel jealousy!! But let me quickly expand on this as it does tie into another two posts of mine in the New to Polyamory forum. You might want to read the Fear of Loss and also my post explaining my mono/poly relationship with Redpepper.

Let me be clear I have 100% compersion towards her incredible husband. He has given me a gift as well as her and I only hope to honour that. I love doing things to make them closer. Their relationship is paramount and if I begin to threaten it, my love for Redpepper will have to be reshaped for my own well being.

I do feel a little jealousy towards her other intimate friends but through meeting them and seeing their concern and genuine friendship with her it is bordering pure compersion as well.

The bulk of my jealousy is tied up in relationships that have not formed yet!! Figure that out?! Primarily the unknown scares me..where will I fit in? My god he might blow her mind in bed and she will think about him when we have sex! (actually. now that I think about that it kinda really annoys me..hmm) His penis could make mine look like a child's in comparison! I could go on and on with the list of concerns! Such a waste of energy but soo real to me. Because I feel different as a monogamous person, I am constantly preparing myself for new relationships to enter her life. I feel jealous about the future..it's really quite pathetic actually :)

The big question is, is my jealousy overpowering my enjoyment in this relationship..absolutely not!! I am fully prepared to face my insecurities and jealousy head on. I love Redpepper immensely and she is the most trusted person I have ever known. I know she loves me immensely as well. I see it, feel it and never want to lose that.

This is not easy..especially for a monogamous nature to understand. But I don't need to understand it to love her with all my heart and accept that she loves me :)
 
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Thank you for answering my question so candidly. I really appreciate it.
This actually made me really target the type of jealousy I experience. I don't want to share Quath's attention. I can't imagine making plans for the weekend and having him tell me ..OH SORRY TAKING BLAHBLAH OUT FOR DINNER AND SOME SEX. MAYBE NEXT WEEKEND SWEETY-:eek: (ok-not that he would ever talk like that but this is my insane, irrational jealousy talking here) It's my version of a small penis. It really worries me that badly. :( I totally understand how you feel and I am glad I am not alone.

Thx,
Smil
 
Hi again. You are definitely not alone. The reason I came on this forum was to share my perspective as a monogamous lover in a polyamorous relationship. I am glad you are taking something from my posts and I get something back in knowing I am giving to someone based on experience.

I spoke with Redpepper last night about posting on this forum and in fact specifically chatting with you as another monogamous person. Part of a complete visit for us is open communication that peels away layers to ensure we never let things build up.

Redpepper is very aware that my intimate love hinges on deep connection and she is also aware that I only have that connection for one person at a time. I was concerned that she might worry about me connecting with a like minded person and therefore be threatened. Don't laugh! This is the type of detail in communication we both love and need in our relationship. She knows that I will stop anything that makes her uncomfortable and would in fact withdrawal from this forum. She was adamant that I don't stop posting and enjoys me sharing details about our relationship and my perspective.

There are feelings and thoughts that everyone has that, once looked at objectively, appear insane or irrational. But that is part of being human! If we try to discount these feelings and not look at them, live in them and learn from them we are heading for pain.

It is normal for these feelings to be soothed by people and discussed. That is how we grow and determine our path. If anyone tries to discount your feelings then they are not respecting your perspective and that is a disservice.

Keep smiling and be true to yourself..don't get lost in your puppy. He/she won't make everything all right if it isn't.

Now stop thinking and enjoy your day!
 
Heyla and Welcome MonoVCPHG,

its very intrigueing getting another perspective on the various types of poly out there, and I for one am greatly appreciating your input/posts/comments and advice, thank you for sharing :)
 
Thanks Vampirescammy,

Somteimes I find it very difficult to read some posts and not take on the pain of others. I like to contribute and share my experiences. I have a wonderful poly relationship and there are certainly challenges my monogamous nature poses. Most of them are related to a fear of the future in some areas. I am amazingly blessed to have Redpepper and her family in my life. I have not felt a love for someone like this before and I am embracing it for all it is worth!!
 
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