Around October of 2009, LovingRadiance came upon a new word she'd never heard used before: "polyamory." When she learned what it meant, it was a life-changing experience for her. For the first time in her life, she realized that she wasn't the only person out there capable of loving more than one person at the same time. There was a name for the style of relationship that had always seemed natural, logical and loving to her. Even more importantly, there were others out there who thought and loved like she did and also spent their lives feeling like they don't belong. She began to read everything she could possibly get her hands on, to reach out to other people online and in person, and to educate others about an underground lifestyle that had always been a part of her life.
LovingRadiance heard stories of Poly communities in Seattle and other cities across the US where monthly potlucks drew over 300 members of poly families. She told me about her vision to create a similar community in Alaska where poly families and their children, whether triads, vees, quads or whatever, could come together and support each other and share ideas or strategies for making their dynamics work. addressing issues in a productive and healthy way and most of all... supporting each family's right to love in their OWN WAY, without judgement or persecution.
Through open-minded online groups, she and Maca met other Poly individuals in Alaska and she shared her vision. She was clear about the fact her obligations at the time prevented her from organizing such a group, but she expressed her whole-hearted desire to be a co-organizer and/or supporter of establishing a local community get-together in Alaska. "B", the original organizer of this Meetup, found Meetup.com and suggested we use that web service as a way to get the meetings started. The plan was made, people were invited and the very first meetup was held at LovingRadiance & Maca's house.
I took the liberty of uploading a picture of the original organizer for this group, "B", sitting on LovingRadiance & Maca's couch almost exactly 2 years ago to the day at the first Alaska Polyamory Group Meetup. If you read the meetup description, "House S&M" was referring to LovingRadiance & Maca. Only 4 people attended, including Maca, LovingRadiance, and "B"... I was the 4th individual. If anyone wishes to verify my story they may visit the following link to the FIRST meetup ever held for this community: http://www.meetup.com/Alaska-Polyamory-Group/events/12226904/ Since I'm a self-acknowledged digital-hoarder, I also have the original emails from 2010 pertaining to establishing and organizing this group and would be happy to share them.
I have included a short excerpt to one of the original forum posts below as well as a link to the thread. Most interesting to me is the discussion about the purpose of forming the group in the first place. You can visit the pages yourself at this address if you wish to: http://www.meetup.com/Alaska-Polyamory-Group/messages/boards/thread/90041
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A FORMER MEMBER: We should discuss the "purpose" of this group?
With 30 member accounts (several of which represent multiple people) there are probably 40 ideas on what this group should "be".
What I've gathered so far is that we want a non-judgemental open forum to express ideas, explore values, meet like-minded people (have the opportunity to identify like minded people) and perhaps find that special someone(s).
Personally, I'd add the opportunity to hug a lot and feel free to tell people they make my neurons and/or endochrine system ignite tongue
Edited by User 8,190,033 on Apr 25, 2010 10:50 AM
A FORMER MEMBER: Other possible purposes for the group:
a) connect poly people in AK (we are not alone)
b) share info on resources and information about poly (books, internet resources...) Perhaps even book discussions and debates?
c) social activities, community building
d) plan snuggle parties
d) understand and embrace the diversity of the poly movement
e) work with other meetups in AK
f) work with national poly organizations (Loving More, Poly Living...), maybe even bring speakers to AK?
g) organize travel as group to national conferences, poly communities,
h) legal support and consultation for polys with concerns or legal problems
g) raise awareness of issues confronting poly people in AK
Just ideas, talk amongst yourselves....
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I am being 100% honest and accurate when I state that this group would not exist today without LovingRadiance's advocacy & vision. A nod must also be given to (name of current organizer deleted for confidentiality) who stepped in and took over leadership when "B" had to step down. (names of two current organizers of group-deleted for confidentiality) were instrumental in maintaining this group and supporting it as it grew from 30 to over 200 members. I would never wish to imply that their contribution were not instrumental or valued because they absolutely were. However, I would like to publicly recognize that while (names of two current organizers of group-deleted for confidentiality) watered and nurtured the growth of this group, it was LovingRadiance & "B" who planted the seed.
I miss the founding members of this group and their vision for what it could be. It was meant to be a collaborative, positive environment for education, support, acceptance, community and understanding.
Had any of us known that some point any member(s) might be inclined to use this group as a way to harass, torment, victimize and slander other people within the poly community for ANY reason... whether they feel it justified or deserved or not, it would never have existed. I truly miss their insight, wisdom, experience and loving guidance that taught me most of what I know about the poly lifestyle and how to sustain it in a healthy way by establishing a core foundation of love, communication, selflessness and, most importantly, RESPECT.
I have no idea what rumors, stories, information or other words have been exchanged by any member(s) of this Meetup about Maca & LovingRadiance and their family. However, I will say that it doesn't really matter. I have known them BOTH for almost 8 years and I have been a personal observer and PARTICIPANT in their family dynamic in various roles, at various points in time since before this group was a spark in LovingRadiance's brilliant brain matter. I was Maca's first partner outside of his marriage to help him gently through the transition from monogamy to the poly lifestyle because he needed someone he could trust, because I cared about them both deeply, because I wanted to see their poly dynamic succeed and because LovingRadiance loved him enough to have the courage to ask me if I would be more than just a friend in their lives. Not only did I agree, I was honored that they asked me to be a part of their poly journey. Maca has never divulged who I am at my request for discretion, so please understand how serious this situation is to have prompted me to divulge it now to over 200 perfect strangers.
Why do I tell all of you this now? Because someone in this group has chosen to spread extremely unkind, untrue, biased stories about a family that I dearly love and, specifically, about a woman I deeply respect and admire. It doesn't matter what those stories are... if they do not include information about how intelligent, loving, respectful, vulnerable and remarkably strong LovingRadiance is, then they are not true. Everyone is fragile when pushed to their limits, however no one among us deserves to be judged for our vulnerability or fragility. No one deserves to be talked about behind their back. No one deserves to be made to feel unwelcome, unwanted or intimidated in any fashion. No one deserves to have the boundaries and agreements of their poly dynamic violated over and over and OVER again... and then be crucified and judged when it breaks her heart.
No one deserves to have her husband and the love of her life refuse to step up and acknowledge his own part in the misunderstandings, then have him then fail to defend her when she's attacked because of them. I ought to know, since I was a party to those miscommunications myself. Why would a husband do such a thing? Why would he lie about his wife or refuse to set the record straight? Because he wants you all to like him and he doesn't want to be subject to the same kind of judgment himself. He wants to belong, be accepted and liked. The only difference is that I already KNEW both sides of the story, so my answer was to sit them BOTH down in the same room and give them the opportunity to clarify everything between all three of us. Problem SOLVED... and I still respected myself in the morning.
The vision the original members had for this group was a beautiful, peaceful, loving one full of enlightened, open-minded and respectful individuals. What few may realize is that it's not the "ousted" people who are hurt most when they told they don't belong here. They will move on and continue down their original paths, taking with them the benefit of their experience, wisdom, compassion and enlightenment... and this community will be the poorer for it. Nobody wins when situations like this are allowed to occur and continue; WE ALL LOSE.
"B" 's personal poly mantra was "Oh, if you have questions about _________ (insert person's name), then you should definitely talk to them about it," or "You're saying you have a problem with _________ (insert person's name here), I definitely recommend bringing that up to them." He made it clear that discussing other people without them present in the ROOM within a poly dynamic, or otherwise, was unacceptable and intolerable. Personally, I find that to be one of the most valuable lessons I've learned to date about making poly a successful, positive experience. Further, it's just general good manners and common decency REGARDLESS of your relationship dynamic or sexual orientation.l
I don't understand how anyone justify promoting a "right" way and a "wrong" way to do poly. When did it become ok to say, "If you don't do poly MY way, you don't have any business being here?" The last time I heard those kind of statements, they sounded a lot more like this: "There's only one way to have a marriage; a man and a woman. There's only one way to have a family and if you don't do it that way, there's something wrong with you."
To me, that is not polyamory, it's polyhatred... we hate everyone who doesn't do poly the way WE do poly. THAT type of close-minded bigotry is precisely the attitude this group was formed to AVOID, not to promote and justify. I don't understand what's occurred here in the past couple of years or why it has been tolerated. We began with 30 people and now it's over 200, so obviously there was a community in Alaska that needed what those 30 people set out to provide. I'd like to believe that the majority of the members in this group have love and understanding at the core of their intentions. I truly hope it finds a way to shine through.
So, Thank you Midnightsun for writing the following to the Alaska Polyamory Meetup Group on my behalf. I don't know that it will do any good in terms of me being able to socialize with the group. But it does mean a lot to know that someone cares enough to publicly express their outrage over the allowing of inappropriate treatment of members.
Greetings APG members,
Regarding the recent mass emailing situation, this is notification that all messages sent out to the members of our group have been temporarily set to a Moderated Status.
Messages sent to the Mailing List must now be reviewed and approved or declined by either Organizer before being sent. We want to apologize for everyone’s inconvenience.
I appreciate everyone's patience while we work on a permanent solution so we have a group policy to prevent situations such as this.
These actions are not to single out or take a position regarding any of the parties involved in this or any other similar matters, this group is not the appropriate setting or venue to address personal issues.
The Organizers of the Alaska Polyamory Group want to maintain an environment that promotes polyamorous and non-monogamous interests and learning. We will be reviewing our options in regard to the future management and policy of our mailing list and personal matter’s addressed on our forums.
Regards,
The APG Organizers
I absolutely agree and appreciate your response. I would also like to respectfully request that the APG Organizers establish policies regarding addressing similar situations at Meetups and hosted events to prevent situations like this from occurring in the future. Regardless of personal differences, disagreements or histories, no one in in the poly community in Alaska should EVER feel like they cannot attend a group event due to rumors, gossip or personal information shared without their permission by other members.
While it's logistically impossible to enforce and prevent a member from behaving in that manner, voting in a zero tolerance policy would allow organizers to remove any member(s) of APG who violate the policies. I am not requesting that anyone be removed from this group, simply requesting that new policies be created to prevent future incidents. Realistically, wherever group dynamics and human emotions are involved there exists the potential for misunderstandings, hurt feelings, broken hearts and disagreements. Therefore, it is not simply because of this one situation that I make my heartfelt plea to the organizers of this group.
This was intended to be a SAFE community, free from judgement or retaliation for divergent views, beliefs, practices, philosophies, ideals or poly dynamics. I trust the APG Leadership will take steps to return this community to that standard and ensure that it continues to be a valuable, positive resource for poly individuals in Alaska for years to come.
My sincere thanks,
Sunny
6 stitches, 1 broken tooth, 2 loose teeth. But-she's back up and ready to go.
I think thats a reasonable response.
Yeah, I saw the write-up-with-photos of that meet-up in "Hola" (one of Spain's many "People"-type magazines). It was good to get a face to go with the name, after all this time of just seeing your tattooed back. But the celebrity gossip about you...Sunday my sister, GG, Maca and myself attended another meet up in town-and it was PACKED! We met some people, but the awkward part was the interest in us personally. There were so many questions aimed directly at us regarding our specific family dynamics and lifestyle. It wasn't bad-but it was bizarre.
Oh, LR, LR!!! Can't you get into your noggin the lesson that this woman is so tirelessly (and selflessly) trying to teach you?! You SHOULDN'T HAVE any personal boundaries!So bizarre.
So, yesterday I got a third request to add "her" to the private poly fb group I started.
I had already ignored the previous two.
This time I asked Maca for her number and sent her a text. I let her know it was my group and that I had received the requests, but was under the impression she didn't want to to have anything to do with me or my life-thus why I hadn't approved it.
She replied with a wordy response basically saying she wanted to be able to socialize with her poly friends on fb.
I replied and let her know that if she wanted to meet for coffee to discuss the conflict and contention between us, we could then discuss her joining the group. If she preferred not to meet, I thought it best that we avoid intermixing our socializing insomuch as possible in such a small town. Adding that I would respect her choice either way.
Haven't heard a word since. I suspect that there will be fallout-but I'm confident that my response was reasonable and respectful while still maintaining my personal boundaries.
(my boldface added) I will suggest yet another parallel to you here. And this time it's of global significance. It is my utter conviction that if Jesus Christ were to return to Earth today, he would have as little as possible to do with the "Christian" Church as possible. [Either that or he'd march into a few churches and overturn tables.] He'd walk away and start a NEW [much smaller] group, "taking with them the benefit of their experience, wisdom, compassion and enlightenment"... not to mention Love, self- and mutual-respect, and rejection of prejudices.[from midnightsun's open letter to the group] The vision the original members had for this group was a beautiful, peaceful, loving one full of enlightened, open-minded and respectful individuals. What few may realize is that it's not the "ousted" people who are hurt most when [] told they don't belong here. They will move on and continue down their original paths, taking with them the benefit of their experience, wisdom, compassion and enlightenment... and this community will be the poorer for it.
As much as I would like to support the community as a whole; I have more important things to do (like school) than fight against her harassment and stalking.
This is a perfect cue for me to recommend my favourite adult novel of all time: Marge Piercy's "Woman On The Edge Of Time". The best blueprint that I know of for a healthy society - and every adult has their own space. You come out and share when you feel like it [most of the time] but you've got your OWN space to retreat to... and anyone who enters it does so at your invitation and on your terms.I want MY OWN HOME. When the kids are grown, I want a little home-that is JUST MINE. One bedroom with a magnificent full bath in it. One small guest bedroom and bathroom. A small kitchen and a breakfast nook. A “study” and a deck. A fireplace in my bedroom and one in the living room as well.
I want to decorate it with that which moves me most deeply. Photos, prints, papers, colors, fabrics that speak to my heart and of course-books.[...]
But, I want it to be MINE.
I don’t want “our home”.
I want “our property”. [...]
I believe with all of my heart, that if I had my own home; they could finally see and experience me for who I am in full, who I was meant to be, the full power of the woman they love, the depth of devotion I have for them and the strength of my love and commitment to them. They could see the real me. Instead of only seeing the me that struggles to survive within the confines and limitations that are placed upon me within the confines of their home…
OK, small detail to start with. U.S. keyboards probably don't offer an easy solution. If you compose your posts in Word®, click on "insert" > "symbols" > é. If you're lucky, down below the symbol chart, it should give you a short cut for doing this in future, so that you no longer have to compose in Word®. (If it doesn't, you should be able to invent your own... but make sure that you're not using one that's already a keyboard code for some other operation!) I can't give you the short-cut, because I'm using a Spanish keyboard, and the short-cut's probably different. (Aside from which, é is a standard on this keyboard anyway: ´ followed by e. But I used Word® to get the ®.)My teeth grind over my resentment about Maca's blase (don't know how to make the funny mark over the e) response.
I'm afraid that I've been over-hasty in judging Maca in the past, but if he really believes that the ONLY thing that he needs to work on is the relationship, he's off-base. Relationships don't usually need therapy UNLESS there are individual issues underlying. And - surely by now even Maca accepts this is true - he HAS got a history of denial.[My counselor] also told me that as far as she is concerned there is no point in joint counseling before we've gotten in 6-8 months of individual therapy.
Tonight was our relationship discussion day. last week he informed me he wanted to do counseling-and asked me to talk to my counselor.
So today, I let him know what she said. He feels that there isn't anything he needs help with. THAT would be the primary reason marriage counseling won't work.