Is America really ready for poly?

So possibly you could broaden your search to non bisexuals. You basically just need to meet a lot of girls and find ones that are good, and go from there. I wouldn't go out looking for poly or bi people as my main criteria because they often don't fit the mould anyhow and are a rare species. Many girls are interested in trying things with another woman but wouldn't list themselves as bisexual, or even think of themselves as bisexual.
You're so right. I myself was shocked and dismayed when my gf first approached me with the idea of poly. I was so conditioned to believe that love is jealous by nature, that I took great offense at her suggestion... But the idea simmered within me, and nearly a year later, I finally realized her intent was not to replace me but to build upon the foundation we already enjoyed. That's when I began to see the beauty of it. So, I can totally see how what you are saying is possible. (It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind anyway, right? ;) Just kidding!!! lol)

If you approach it logically you'll have a greater chance of finding someone I feel. Also I'd look at those 3 "encounters" you've had as growing experiences for you and your gf. You may think they have been a waste of time but in reality, it's honing your skills.
Yes, I feel the same way. I think we've been too focused on finding someone for the triad that we forgot that the process was supposed to be fun... It has definitely been a chore, with too much drama and heartache. In fact, we've been pursuing simple friendships, just like you suggested :) Our thought is that, if we build on friendship, we may someday end up with a true, lasting relationship.

Thanks for all your good advice! :)
 
You're so right. I myself was shocked and dismayed when my gf first approached me with the idea of poly. I was so conditioned to believe that love is jealous by nature, that I took great offense at her suggestion... But the idea simmered within me, and nearly a year later, I finally realized her intent was not to replace me but to build upon the foundation we already enjoyed. That's when I began to see the beauty of it. So, I can totally see how what you are saying is possible. (It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind anyway, right? ;) Just kidding!!! lol)

Once you realize why we are monogamous is 99% down to social programming it makes you look at all the other programmings we have received. Too many people think their values are their own, when in fact they are merely what they were raised with.

The thing that makes me giggle is the people that go out looking for "new values" and new experiences. Then somehow rationalize their original values back into their life. "I went around the world, I saw all the cultures and religions, and you know what? I realize christianity is the right one". It's a powerful feeling in many people to conform to their childhood programmings, as nothing else feels "Right" like that does.

Yes, I feel the same way. I think we've been too focused on finding someone for the triad that we forgot that the process was supposed to be fun...

I was the same for a while. Always looking at the end result happy days where we are all together, baking cakes and throwing flour at each other "no you stop!" . It took us over 3 years to find the right one..... so yah. Just think, at least you've got love with one person, luckier than some.
 
Hey. I think I forgot to add that there are other threads on here if you do a tag search for "coming out" (geesh, losing my touch ;))

I would agree with Mono, there is not a lot of reason to come out for me really due to the fact that it isn't anyones business and just seems to complicate our sanity :p We usually tell people that Mono lives in our suite and that he is a good friend. They really don't need to know more. They probably think he is all heart broken that his marriage ended and doesn't ever want that kind of life again. Whatever. I don't really care. What really matters is what goes on for us and how we are in our dynamic.

You're right, live and learn and move on to something that works better. :)
 
I don't think there's anything wrong with being cautious about coming out. I'm in no rush when it comes to my parents. They support me financially but if I told them I was bi, kinky and poly, well, I'm not sure what would happen. Someday when they aren't paying bills for me, (hopefully soon!) I may decide to come out. But I'm in no rush. Some of my friends know stuff. If I feel they are trustworthy. I haven't had too many issues with people freaking out at me. But then again, I've been very choosy as to who I tell.

And asking if America is ready for poly isn't the only question. There seem to be a lot of people in poly relationships that may not actually be ready. I appear to have just been a victim of that. And I know I'm not alone there. I keep hearing stories about couples that try to give a go but really hadn't thought it through or weren't really comfortable. To be fair, I am biased right now.
 
Remember that oft used phrase, "sexual revolution"?

It never happened.

As for coming out.... Perhaps we should tell family that we're "Poly-Cuddly," meaning we're happy to cuddle and snuggle with more than just one person--simultaniously or otherwise.

Nah. Never mind.
 
I don't think there's anything wrong with being cautious about coming out. I'm in no rush when it comes to my parents. They support me financially but if I told them I was bi, kinky and poly, well, I'm not sure what would happen. Someday when they aren't paying bills for me, (hopefully soon!) I may decide to come out. But I'm in no rush. Some of my friends know stuff. If I feel they are trustworthy. I haven't had too many issues with people freaking out at me. But then again, I've been very choosy as to who I tell.

I do wish that we had not come out... It felt rushed and premature, and raised all kinds of hell. Oh well, too late now... At least we won't have to do it again! ;)
 
Hey. I think I forgot to add that there are other threads on here if you do a tag search for "coming out" (geesh, losing my touch ;))

I would agree with Mono, there is not a lot of reason to come out for me really due to the fact that it isn't anyones business and just seems to complicate our sanity :p We usually tell people that Mono lives in our suite and that he is a good friend. They really don't need to know more. They probably think he is all heart broken that his marriage ended and doesn't ever want that kind of life again. Whatever. I don't really care. What really matters is what goes on for us and how we are in our dynamic.

You're right, live and learn and move on to something that works better. :)

Thanks for the pointer, I'll try it out :) Yeah, I like the roommate idea. And it would not be a lie, because the person really would be a roommate living with us :)
 
As for coming out.... Perhaps we should tell family that we're "Poly-Cuddly," meaning we're happy to cuddle and snuggle with more than just one person--simultaniously or otherwise.
Haha, "poly-cuddly" - love it. I'm going to have to tell my gf that one! :)
 
"Poly" wasn't the only issue here.

These "unicorns" were young...in their 20s...often an idealistic age....not always very realistic in terms of what the world "should" or "shouldn't" accept.
(Nothing wrong with idealism, per se, as I'm still called "Pollyanna" at 56 years old....but it has come at great cost to me at times!)

Their parents didn't know they were bi-sexual in some case, much less poly.

No...most of America isn't ready for poly. But much of America wasn't ready to give women and Blacks/African Americans the right to vote and to own property either. It didn't stop it from happening eventually, but there was certainly a lot of pain, loss, and sacrifice along the way. Many individuals paid a high price in speaking up for what they believed to be the right thing.
 
Poked in the eye (>_o)

Yeah, I do agree that our “unicorns” were too young. I would love to find a girl in her 30’s, but it seems like most girls (out of the girls I have known) in their 30’s are already in relationships or not interested in relationships of any kind. I did meet a girl in her 30’s who was very interested in me. I was very happy because she seemed to have a lot of experiences. She even told me that she was in a triad before! I was very excited. But, about 10 minutes after talking, she wanted to sleep with me. I’m kind of shy, I mean, I’ve never “been” with a girl. So, I tried to get her to slow down, but she was so pushy. Every five minutes she was trying to get into my pants! Then she started talking about how I was going to be her wife. We just met (O_O). Plus, I just don’t like the term wife or husband for that matter. I feel that those titles imply ownership. I actually would much rather refer to “my” boyfriend as “the” boyfriend, because saying the word “my” makes me cringe. I hate the idea of owning a person. Anyway, I had to break up with her before we even started dating. I’m actually praying that I never have to go through that experience ever again. I felt very venerable and kind of unnerved. It also made me feel bad that she didn’t want to get to know me. She just went on and on about my looks. I mean, I’m happy she thought I was pretty, but there is more to me than just skin, bones, and a vagina.


On another note, I too wish we would have never have came out. I actually thought it would be a good idea to come out because Mia did. The story goes like this: We asked her not to tell her mom, but she was very excited. Mia and her mom were very close. She honestly thought her mom would be excited for her. Once I realized Mia told her mom I told my mom. Not because I felt inspired too, but because I knew Mia’s mom was going to freak out, call my mom, and tell her what a horrible person the BF is (everybody always thinks the triad is his idea, grrr). I wanted to call my mom and tell her about me being poly before Mia’s mom got a hold of my mom. I was thinking it would be better if my mom heard it from me. Pffft, my mom and dad immediately started bashing the BF even though I told them the triad was my idea. OH, nothing infuriates me more than being undermined because of my gender. My parents are pros at it too. My dad didn’t even talk to me about the poly thing. He went straight for the BF. Just because Amobrasil is a guy doesn’t mean it was his idea. I remind my parents all the time that being poly and seeking a triad was my idea, but I still don’t get the sense that they believe me. It’s so infuriating! Like being poked in the eye (>_o).
 
Kika,

People usually think it's the guys idea to be poly, because it USUALLY is. Also, men are notoriously "overly horny" all the time. PLUS, it is almost every straight man's fantsay to have two women at one time. ;)




Keep in mind that I know these assumptions to be often erroneous.
 
The man's idea

It was definitely my idea, yet when I came out to Dad, even telling him I had a boyfriend and Indigo did not, he asked, "Is this really what you want?"

It infuriates Indigo to no end to have people assume it's his idea. Me too, actually. I like taking credit for my own good ideas. ;)

It caused me to ask our community "Who started it?" a while back ... I was not surprised by the result. :)

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3779
 
Feminine feelings

@ TL4everu2 : I guess you have a point ^_^. It just always seemed to me that a triad relationship is more feminine rather than masculine (that could simply be because I am a girl and I view most things in a feminine manner haha). When I think of a triad I think of having one more person to share my huggles with, take walks with, eat with, geek out with, kiss with, and of course fight with haha.

@Trucker Pete: Same thing happens to you too (>_o) <-- *poked in the eye feeling*? I'm sorry. I think what bothers me the most about people assuming that it was the BFs idea is that they suddenly think he's a huge pervert. But then when I tell that person "No, it was my idea", they just ignore me and think it was really the BF's idea and he just brain washed me (=_=). I totally understand what you mean about wanting credit for your ideas. I don't care if everyone around me thinks it's a stupid idea, it was my idea and I want the credit and the criticism ^^.

I'm off to click on your link now.
 
Pffft, my mom and dad immediately started bashing the BF even though I told them the triad was my idea. OH, nothing infuriates me more than being undermined because of my gender. My parents are pros at it too. My dad didn’t even talk to me about the poly thing. He went straight for the BF. Just because Amobrasil is a guy doesn’t mean it was his idea. I remind my parents all the time that being poly and seeking a triad was my idea, but I still don’t get the sense that they believe me. It’s so infuriating! Like being poked in the eye (>_o).

Yah I have a whole lot of that. Regardless of what the girls say in our triad, it's always the male , the brainwasher, living the life of a king with his minions. Most people are stupid. If they don't want to listen or believe what you are saying then what's the point of talking to them? They aren't reasonable people.

I don't really talk to anyone that refuses to believe what I say, and they usually come crawling back after some months all like "why have you stopped talking to me". Morons. I don't mind if someone is upset because of my lifestyle, but people that refuse to accept the reality are worse than people who don't like it. Anyone that is intelligent and has an instant "don't like it" reaction will come around over a few months. People that close down the "listening shop" will never recover, forever in a fantasy land where Jesus rides a white horse or fairies exist.
 
I guess I live in a stereotypical world. LOL When I came out to my supervisor's boss (who is also MY boss), he was like "eh ok. Whatever...AND?" LOL I guess mechanics are all supposed to be filthy slutty men who are out to get as much tail as possible. :D Glad I live up to the stereotype. LOL
 
LOL @ TL4everu2: That is a great story xD!

@ Preciselove: It's so true about people crying when you don't talk to them for a few days. I can do this with just about everyone... but every time my mom calls I keep thinking she has something important or ground breaking to say. I just can't seem to ignore her. I've pretty much dropped the conversation with her because I realized it's not going to go anywhere with her. She notices though. She likes to say things like, "You can always talk to me about anything. I want to know about your life." But then when I talk to her about it, she just think's I'm crazy. Yesterday she called me up asking if I "lost touch with reality". Oi, she's such a nut xD. I was actually very amused until I thought about it a little more. Basically my mom thinks I'm crazy because I'm different than her. So, now I have that (>_o) poked in the eye feeling and I'm laughing.
 
She likes to say things like, "You can always talk to me about anything. I want to know about your life." But then when I talk to her about it, she just think's I'm crazy.

LOL, my mom is like this. You can talk to her, as long as you don't offend her sense of right/wrong or her political/religous views.:rolleyes: In other words, just talk about the kids or walk her through how to sign on to facebook.:p
 
preciselove said:
Yah I have a whole lot of that. Regardless of what the girls say in our triad, it's always the male , the brainwasher, living the life of a king with his minions.

I ran into that even on these boards a while back. I was accused of trying to "live out a harem fantasy", and much worse.

IRL I am frequently referred to as a pimp, an exploiter of women, and more.

And poly was Violet's idea - it took her quite a while to talk me into it, despite that fact that even the "OPP" in our house is HER idea (although it has not extended to all of them, Adrian is out with her log-distance BF tonight as she frequently is when he's in town, and even Violet herself has started looking sideways at one particular guy lately, lol). Lana (GF#1) lived with us as a friend and roommate for over a year before becoming part of our relationship. Adrian met the girls at work, knew about their relationship, fell for me, realized I was the guy they were talking about, and decided she wanted in too.

I didn't pursue any one of them - but I'm a pimp, a womanizer, living out a harem fantasy. :shrug:

Violet's Dad is a little out there himself, and frankly this was far from the most shocking thing she ever dumped on him, lol. No problem there - at first. But when we hit some real rough patches, he turned on me faster than Judas for all the silver in the world. You should see some of the things he said about me in Facebook messages and emails to her - shocking to say the least.

Lana's family found out almost by accident. Her mother was angry and frightened for about an hour - everyone ele was very accepting, more curious than anything - and her mother finally adopted an "if you're happy than that's what matters" attitude. So far so good there.

My family - hmm. We haven't "come out" to them. But I know they suspect something, since Lana has made it to one Christmas and two Thanksgiving's with us so far, as well as a few other trips that involved seeing them. They aren't asking, I'm not telling - yet. They are devout Mormons, and thus particularly allergic to anything that smells even faintly of polygamy. They are, however, extremely open and accepting people, and quite used to their eldest son being the black sheep and getting into all sort of crazy situations - and they've always supported me. So we'll see. I'm more concerned about my ex wife's family - also very good people, but also very Mormon. They also are my 6 year old sons caretakers, and I don't want issues there!

amobrazil, Kika (I think you're both part of the OP couple, yes?) - we feel your pain. We've been through it with our first unicorn, Anne - which turned us off to poly completely for a good 6 or 10 months. Things with Lana have been up and down, but more up than down - we've been very lucky with her and intend to be with her forever (and probably couldn't get rid of her if we tried anyway, LMAO). But Adrian (current gf#2) has been a very trying experience to say the least, and she likely won't be around much longer. This mess is hurting her terribly despite our efforts to help her, and it's been hell on all of is in different ways.

Although to back it up a bit - her mom was VERY accepting when she found out - supportive even. Weird, lol.

Anyway - in any relationship, and especially any breakup, there is pain and hurt and heartbreak. Poly opens new levels of love - and more opportunity for the bad stuff as well, which in our experience is amplified just like the good stuff.

As for America being ready - which parts? LOL - :shrug:
 
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I think that what people think of you is all in the way you market yourself to others really. If you come across as less than humble and show off that you are the king of your world, or in my case the queen, then people will roll their eyes, judge and accuse you of a whole slew of things.... sometimes that can happen in RL just in coming out.

When I came out my family thought there must be something wrong with me to be cheating and that PN just puts up with me being with Mono (we haven't come out about Derby or Leo or anyone else along the way). Then they thought there must be something wrong with PN if I chose to be with Mono. Apparently PN HAD to accept it because he was in some way flawed... then it was Mono must be desperate and wanting to cling onto our family to help him because he fucked up his own family. Accompanying that was that he would fuck up our family also. Of course where it started was that Mono had some kind of motive to steal our child to have sex with and... oh ya! and our house. gets better, ... and my parents property that we shared with them... They asked us to sign the property all over to them, which we have done. Now they have property that we once shared and have built a house on it that we have to wait to be asked to go and visit. Actually, just recently I asked if I could go there and they said yes... but just me and LB so far, I darent ask if Mono could come! Still, it showed that we love them and took them seriously by not pushing the issue with lawyers and suing and blah blah blah. Still hurts though:( but not as much as it did back then :)
 
Grrr - Violet gets that al the time; I didn't address that side of it before.

She simply MUST be horribly insecure and have all kinds of issues to resort to letting her man have other women just to keep him around!

That really grinds my gears.
 
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