16 yr. old daughter upset by polyamory

Jodi

New member
my son figured out that there was a good possiblility that i was having a physical relationship... and i know an emotional one as well, w/ the husband of my good friend. she has not wanted to be involved physically for a few months now.

my daughter, age 16 and i had a great morning together. out of nowhere, i yelled while she was learning to drive...she started crying, called me slut. i was shocked...i felt bad for her, that her feelings were hurt. also, mad as i told her, it is my body and i've been unhappy for too many years in a monogomous terrible relationship that ihave the right to be happy. she's young, doesn't understand. she also knows that her father and i participated in swinging. she was crying, "why can't i have normal parents".

she was very upset. i thought she may not talk to me for a while, but she did & we made plans to go shopping for shoes for her. but, i just wonder. in her mind, she is put upon by my divorce 2 her father, and now, my relationship w/ my lover....which is noones, and not even her business.

thanks for reading:(
 
Oh that is so too bad and sad... I hope she comes around. It's so confusing at that age. hormones all over, not knowing what ones body is telling them and what to do with the feelings. And how could ones MOTHER be sexual. So much to learn and so much to talk about. I hope it was an experience that was a catalyst for change for her and therefore you... a door to talk about it. I think if she were my child I would seize the moment and see if I could keep her talking. It sounds like all kinds of good conversations could come out of just telling her that you are willing to talk about anything she is wondering about sex and relationships.
 
I know when I was 16, the idea of my parents as sexual beings was just repulsive and terrifying. Eventually, I got over that and now my parents long term lack of healthy sexual expression makes me sad, instead of relieved. It sounds like that would be really hard but I'm sure she won't think that way forever. Hopefully, in the mean time, you guys have some really deep talks.
 
My partners children(13,11 and 8) have not been specifically told about their Dad's polyamory but they are aware of the emotional connection he has with their mother,the friendship he has with his ex girlfriend(and their baby) and that I am his girlfriend. He is always honest with them and honestly it really is only his daughter(11) who asks the odd question.
It sounds like your daughter has had a big shock and needs time to adjust to your new lifestyle,that is normal and I would just reiterate to her that you will answer any questions she has as openly and honestly as you can.
 
Time heals everything - eventually. At 16 I knew everything and nothing was going to change my mind. And yes the thought of my parents having a sexual relationship was horrifying, they were old and just...ewww. I think it was how I was raised, nudity was bad any kind of affection was bad. I raised my kids totally opposite, if they wander into my room while I'm dressing we don't make a huge deal of it whatever they came to see me about is dealth with and we all move on. Hugs and kisses are the best thing ever (my oldest remains affectionate to this day - he gets upset when he doesn't get his morning hug and kiss). I've always been open and honest about sex with them. Any questions they asked were answered truthfully. It's worked out in the end. My oldest son who is 17 is fine with my relationship with J. My 13 year old, well not so much. But, he's always been a bit more "clingy" than his brother. I think he's afraid of the changes that have happened. Both my boys have known J for some time 3 years at least so that helped some. I just try to be as supportive as I can to my youngest show him that I still love him and that nothing between us has changed and I'll love him no matter what. He seems to be coming around but only time will tell.

Just tell her that you love her and then prove it to her. Be as honest as possible and giver her the time she needs to find her way.
 
Tough situation

Hey Jodi,

Yeppers, that's a hard bridge to cross - but maybe now IS the good time. At 16 she's ready to start forming her own sexual identity and what she sees/experiences will become part of that. As parents, we want that identity to be a healthy one ! In most cases, more healthy than our own was :)

When we hit that point with our kids (we had boys & girls) the jist of the explanation went something like this.......

1> Sex and love are normal parts of being human
2> What you see portrayed in the public eye (media, exposed society etc) is often VERY different than reality.
3> The rule has always been that sex/love has been a private affair and therefore the 'truth' of this side of people seldom reaches the light. Nothing taking place in our love lives is new or perverted - only hidden. It is NOT that uncommon as you may think. And it's a personal choice.
4> It's in our nature as humans to care about many people. Restricting that too much can make you a cold, indifferent person. But HOW you choose to express that caring has to be balanced with knowledge and experience.

That's the general direction of discussion. The particular individuals involved will guide the depth of the discussion - as will timing.
It also can be good to provide some reference/reading material discussing alternatives to love & relationships. This generation of kids are not as naive as most of us were at that age. They are exposed to more than we think. Unfortunately much of that information is incomplete at best and total fallacy at worst. Give them CORRECT information - from reliable sources - and expect them to base their understanding and actions on that :)

And remind them that the pursuit of happiness - in a safe and kind/considerate way - is a big part of the human experience.

GS
 
thank u all for responding. i told her i loved her very much. for the first time i didn't feel the need to cry when we had confrontation...we've been thru a lot, emotionally. wwell, u know how teens can be. drama drama drama.

i can just wait and see how she develops. but, as for talking about it, she never wants to talk about sex or boyfriends or anything. i can't be something i'm not, how she wants me to b in her mold of perfect. monogomous, big house, look pretty.

have a good day.
 
Have you seen the link on my blog? Its in the "life stories and blogs" section in "redpeppers journey". I think you might like it. I posted it last night, so its not far from the last page.
 
16 year olds are inherently unstable, sort of like radioactive material. You know there's a good probability they're going to explode any minute, and it's completely impossible to predict just when.

You're her mom and she's a teenager. It's pretty much impossible to get through those 10 years without a few blow-ups here and there, and many of them are about nothing in particular.

No teenager has "normal parents" :p What the heck are normal parents, anyway? That sounds boring ;) And if you were normal, you'd eventually take flak for being "too normal" and therefore dull. It's a no-win situation!

It sounds like you have a good relationship overall. I would personally steer clear of the "it's none of your business" line, because personally I think that's false. She lives with you, your life and your choices and your actions very intimately affect her life, and that makes it her business.

I assume you want to know who she's involved with, and the best way to set that up is to show her the same respect. She looks up to you for clues on how to act and how a grown-up ought to behave. It's better to explain openly about why you make the choices you make, and let her feel involved in your life and relevant in your decisions.
 
16 year old kids tend to go off about anything that they don't think is like what everyone else has. They are hyper-aware about what is "normal" and desperately want to fit in. I remember at that age being so angry with my mother for her being a stay at home mom and not like all the other moms I knew who went out and worked. What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter who you are or what you do teen minds tend to warp things and they will likely find something to be unhappy about. It will pass. If she knows that she is loved and accepted for who she is. The anger about your polyamory probably won't even last that long.

I also saw in your original post that you and your husband are getting divorced. It sounds to me that she is angry about that more than about who you are with at the moment. I think it would go a long way for both you and her dad to talk to her honestly about why your relationship didn't work out. It might help to ease the blame because it sounds like she is blaming you in a round about way for her family being broken.

-Derby
 
thank you shrodingers cat & others.

she's bcome accepting of it. not 100%. but she asked why i can't do anything on wed. nights & i told her i didn't want to discus it if she was going to freak out.

she rolled her eyes & sad you are so fucken weird. i told her i don't want to be with strangers & it makes me happy. she knows how unhappy i was for the past 5 years.

yes, i want her to tell me what's going on in her life. i want to b available for questions. she does think i know nothing & make dumb choices. but she knows this family fora while, so how can she not think that it's a good choice. they are good hearted people. there's not much for her to say except that shedoens't agree.

at least she's talking to me. my son has no comment on the issue.
 
It's tough to deal with teenagers. Hang in there, they grow up eventually. My 16 year old was 14 when he figured out that we were poly, and he was already good friends with the couple who make up the other half of our quad. Well, being friends with them didn't help even a little, he had a major hissy fit if I even tried to hug Sunday, my other male partner. My son stopped talking and confiding in Asha, my female partner. He told me that love was meant to be shared between two people. I told him that was fine for him but I felt differently.

I just try to keep on keeping on, living a good example and being a good, calm mom who isn't ashamed of her life. I say the words, "That's none of your business" a fair amount, and try to make sure that everyone gets involved in family activities as often as possible. I *think* it's working. We certainly seem to be having more "good" moments than bad ones lately.
 
I know this is an old post so I hope that all has worked out. If you'd like to have someone to talk with who raised her kids (me) in a Wiccan/Poly family I'll be happy to give suggestions.
 
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