New babies

axlfreak

New member
I'm having a little trouble navigating the posts. :confused: I've been reading bits of Mono's journey, and appreciating his mono in a poly view point. However I was wondering about a woman in this position. Is anyone out there a mono woman in a poly relationship?

I guess I need to be even more specific. As I mentioned in my intro (I think it was there) my husband has taken a girlfriend. My husband who was not poly, or didn't realize he was poly, before this. Well things are going ok. I still feel a lot of the things Mono mentions. Like hard days and easy days, like jealousy and compersion. I still don't know what I'm doing half the time, but it still feels ok.

However there is a new development. R, who is my husband, and I have always said we weren't having kids. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and always told me he didn't want more. Well when we first got together 12 years ago, I didn't want kids either. And even as I've aged the kid thing hasn't been a deal breaker. So whenever the idea occurred to me that I might like a child, instead of reveling on it, I let it go. It was never important enough to upset what we already had.

Well enter K into the equation. She is R's girlfriend, in case you didn't read my intro. Also as backstory R is in his 40s, I'm recently 30, and K is mid 20s. K wants kids. Always has. She even mentioned this to R before they were dating. Well somewhere along the way K has 'pushed R's baby button.' (his words)

So here I am. New to this world of Poly-amory, my head swimming with emotion at the idea that he wants/needs another person in addition to me, and now he wants her to have his babies. :eek:

So there is a mass of emotion from me. Of course the knee jerk reaction of 'No!' 'If I can't have your kids, no one can' 'Why her, why not me?' That last one is the one that sticks. It's hard enough to deal with him wanting her at all. And now he wants her to be the mother of his children. To raise kids with her. That's a life. That's my life, I thought.

So that's where I need the advice. I need someone who has been here, or near here to tell me about their story. What they did and how it went.

I feel like there are so many ways to go from here. Since this is all so new, and since I feel I am mono at my core, there is always the instinct to run. But I love R. And I want him to be happy, and I want this to work. But I am so scared. What happens if they decide to have kids? (And it will be a decision, one that I am a part of, but not the ultimate decider) Can I handle it? As much as I feel everything has changed, that's surely nothing compared to how it will change if she's pregnant.

Will I be able to stay? Will it all be too much? What if things don't end up working between them? (They did just start dating 2 months ago) If I leave have I lost any chance? If I leave and things don't work with her, will I want him still? If I stay what becomes of the shambles we've made? What if she gets pregnant and decides she can't have another woman around? And on and on...

I've been able to get caught up with everything else. We have even talked about her living with us. But this baby thing has me all disoriented again. Not to mention that it has me wanting babies. Which of course makes anyone wonder, me included, why now? Am I trying to keep him by having a baby? I don't think so. But then again I have never trusted my own feelings.

Anyway, you can see I'm a wreck. I was just hoping someone out there has had a similar experience and can help me shed some light on mine. If you are that person, reply away. If you know that person, send her my way. If there is a post on here you know of that I haven't found, point me to it. :)
 
What is this woman's background story? Is she poly, does she have other partners? Is she mono? My first concern is this woman is looking for a primary partner...for life as in the role of a wife. I could be totally wrong, but I would be wary of the possibility that she is a cowgirl. I would move very slow...they'll be asking for co-habitation soon if they are already in the baby planning stage.

Not to be pessimistic...but look after yourself and keep the pace very very slow. I'd be really surprised if this woman is into sharing the father of her desired children.

But that is just me...and I'm a little one sided:eek:

Take care
Mono
 
Do a search for "sage".
She also has a blog.
She's also got a thread on here about mono's in poly relationships, there are a number of mono's who post on it. :)
 
Only two months and talking babies?? BIG RED FLAG.

I don't think your husband is thinking with his head here... NRE perhaps? And your question of why with her and not with you is VERY VERY Valid... children are a huge committment - why after only 2 months is he willing to change his mind on something he has been so adamant about for so long?

I think NRE is a huge issue here.


*mono women in poly relationships? - Sage and Mohegan are the two on here that immediately pop into my head... I would recommened their blogs and threads :D

good luck and welcome :D
 
Ok, to counter Mono. ;) Cause I can and he won't mind.

I'm a poly woman, married with a live-in boyfriend and 4 kids.

My take on your situation is....
...

...

well the same as Mono's.

I can't help but wonder if she isn't a cowgirl and I find it concerning that they would be discussing children only 2 months into the relationship. Maybe it's just discussing as a future poss. But in terms of parenting, responsibility etc, 2 months is just not long enough to really plan the addition of a child.

I realize that doesn't much address your feelings. I apologize. I never got that far in my mind. My mind did a reeling, screeching, full-brakes slam as soon as I read 2 months.

In terms of poly and children, it can be done and it can be done well. But, just as with monogamy and divorce, it can be done terribly badly too.

(there is also a thread on here about children and poly that you might find helpful)
 
Ok, addressing these one at a time. Ks backstory is.. complicated. She's been in a relationship with another woman (I'll call her C) since they were both teenagers. In this 10 years time K has had a handfull of male lovers, and one you might classify as a boyfriend. She is still with C, but I don't know much about their inner workings. I suspect that K ultimately wants to be with a man. Hence the whole babies thing. And I think, whether she even knows it or not, that she wants a man to be her primary while having a female secondary or tertiary. I don't know if she wants my husband to be her primary.

K and R, my husband, have had a pregnancy scare already, and seemingly another scare on the way. (Apparently condoms aren't as reliable as they used to be) And they were both upset when the test came back negative. I was relieved. Not that I don't want this for them, I still don't know what I want there. But I fear I am not ready.

And I fear, as FlameKat said, that this is all too fast. Swirling emotion and all that. I mentioned this to R, and he acknowledges it as a possibility but doesn't show any sign of slowing down.

He and I have discussed that if they decide to try for kids, they have to tell me BEFORE they start. And we also have discussed each of us being tested for STDs and the like before they cease protection.

As for the cohabitation, they are not asking for it yet, however R has stated that if he and K get pregnant she will be living with him. End of story. Now that could be moving her in with us, him in with her and C, or the two of them alone. I don't know. But i too feel this is moving way too fast and it scares me in more ways than one. Of course I'm scared for me, and my marriage to R. But I'm also scared of him getting hurt. And adding a baby to that possibility of hurt is even worse. But it's hard for me to articulate to him, without it coming across as me finding reasons for him not to do this with her, for my own benefit.

As for 'cowgirl' I don't know what that is, but I will be looking through the forums for it now.

Thanks for the replies and the links to other posters. I appreciate the help and the love. If you want more info on this story, please ask. I'm still so new I don't know what be something important that I've left out.
 
Sorry, the term cowgirl generally (negatively) refers to a woman who proclaims to be "poly" but is actually trying to "steal" a man from another woman; often in an attempt to make herself feel better about herself...
 
Where in all of that is his care and compassion for you and your relationship with him??

I get completely that YOU love HIM and want HIM to be happy...

Where is his return of that?? He won't slow down? He won't be careful? WTF is going on there with that? He is showing no respect for you whatsoever

Sorry - your last post must have hit some trigger points for me - I am almost seeing red over it... I shall go do something calmer for a bit.


****2 months with possibly 2 pregnancy scares??? complete irresponsibility and definitely a cowgirl...IMO****
 
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I have to admit that in all of the years I was with GG... there was ONE pregnancy "scare" issue....

2 in 2 months seems careless and irresponsible. Honestly-good condom use doesn't result in that much risk...

It does sound like he's being unreasonably reckless and frankly, I find myself having strong doubts that they are using protection as agreed upon, STRONG doubts....

:(
 
Maybe I've painted R a little cold. It wasn't intentional. He and I have been talking for months, even prior to K in our lives, about his life. He's dealt with a lot of shit, as many do. Molestation, abandonment, lifelong lies by his family...things of that nature. As I mentioned in my intro post, he shut himself in his game room for about 3 years after some particularly jarring news from his mother. (one of those lifelong lies) Then we moved, and he began to see a therapist. This therapist opened up a can of worms in my opinion. Then the therapist became...inconsistant. They cancelled an appointment, and lost the schedule of another. R was so put off by this that he quit going. So now here's this can...with worms wriggling all about. And he's trying to do the best he can. But he can't figure out which worms belong out of the can, and which need to be set free altogether. (if that metaphor makes any sense.) He just having hard time figuring out what he really wants.

And I desperately want to stand by his side while he works it out. But I am so scared. I'm terrified that he will discover what he needs is something I can't provide, or worse, something I can provide, but he just doesn't see it in me. And then I wonder, should I bow out? Should I step aside and let him have a life with K? But then that timer ticks again and I realize it's taken us 12 years to get here. It's just not likely that in 2 months they've gotten past 12 years. So I worry about the NRE and what it's making each of them do.

I think he's just trying to focus on doing what's right for him. And not in a fully selfish way. He wants to be true to what he wants, so that we don't 'do this dance' for another 10 years only to find out what he wanted all along was something else. He doesn't want to waste my time either.

I hope that makes the picture of R a little fuller.
 
It doesn't matter a whole lot what the picture is sweetie.

Let me say this,
any decision made from fear is going to backfire at some point. Therefore it's GOOD that you recognize how frightened you are.

At the same time, MANY decisions made during NRE are JUST as likely to backfire.

It still sounds A LOT like he's not using protection as agreed and that is a sticking point you two definitely need to iron out. The backlash of that one can be catastrophic for all involved.

Also, it would be good for both of you to read up on the risks of making decisions of any importance during NRE (big red flag there). As for the therapy, just quiting is a bad idea, find a new therapist. It's hell when you have internal demons plaguing you from the past, hell you needn't torment yourself with for life. It's always better to get them resolved.

AND

adding new relationships NEVER resolves demons. It's ALWAYS better to resolve them BEFORE moving forward into additional relationships.
 
It does sound like he's being unreasonably reckless and frankly, I find myself having strong doubts that they are using protection as agreed upon, STRONG doubts....

:(

I'm with LR...I'd say they are already trying. I'd also say that his arbitrary assumption that his girlfriend will move in if made pregnant is a massive red flag. You aren't even being given a choice if this happens...she'll just move in. I have to question whether you have any say in what happens already. Be careful and make sure you look after what you need.
 
It does.

However, acting out what he 'thinks he wants' before he knows who he is and that what he wants IS what is right for him... is not a great idea. not only is he gambling with your relationship he is playing with someone else's heart too, not to mention any children caught up in it...

He NEEDS to slow down for EVERYBODY's sake.

maybe you could show him your thread here and have him look around the forum... do a tag search on foundations, mono/poly (any combination of those two words), children and polyamory, compassion, boundaries

all of the threads will have other tags at the bottom which you can also click on to look for other things that may have value to you as well.


*Edit: I agree with LR re the counselling - VERY important he continue that... can't leave a job like that half done, seeping out and leaving a mess everywhere
 
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These are certainly hard things to hear. But I thank you for saying them. Maybe I can get them both to read up on making big decisions while living NRE. /crosses fingers. I just really really don't want something we can't take back to be the deciding factor in any of this. I don't want a pregnancy to force anyones hand. I want to decide, for him to decide, for K and C to decide..all on our own without a 'situation' of any kind making us move faster than we know is healthy.
 
Axlfreak,
My question to you would not be what does your husband need, but...

what do YOU need?

I think that's what you have to sort out and come to terms with, and then state your needs to him. If he's not willing to meet them, then you might have some negotiations ahead, or some choices to make.
 
Axlfreak,
My question to you would not be what does your husband need, but...

what do YOU need?

I think that's what you have to sort out and come to terms with, and then state your needs to him. If he's not willing to meet them, then you might have some negotiations ahead, or some choices to make.

THIS... in all your posts... your needs and wants also seem to take a backseat... this is a huge life-changing thing happening here... Take some time and really really figure that one out too :D
 
Well I think what I need is changing. I was going to post about what I've expected throughout our lives together. But I don't really even know that. I didn't expect poly-amory, I can tell you that. ; )

I think I need them to slow the F down. Even if I were to be selfish, I don't want him not to be with her. Now, to be honest and mono, I want him not to want her...but I can't make that happen.

So the next best thing is to take all of this slowly and see what happens. But I'm not sure how much they will slow down. And how much they will resent me for it.

To quote an Ani DiFranco lyric 'i try to draw the line, but it ends up running down the middle of me most of the time'
 
And for now I take my leave of you, as R will be home from work within the hour, and K will be visiting shortly after that. And I can't post without getting all emotional. >.< I will check back on this tomorrow. ^.^ Thanks again all.
 
yet more 'two cents'

sounds like your resolve is firming up there :D

take the time, look around, welcome to read my thread and see where we stand (my fiance is the mono in our relationship)... and see our boundaries :p redpepper and Mono also have very clear boundaries, sage has a blog at http://www.polyamorouspeople.com/ that i think would be a great read for you.
 
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