Going to my first poly meeting

feelyunicorn

New member
It`ll be two weeks from now. As of now, it seems, there will be only about 6 of us, which is a start.

I`m excited and a bit anxious. It feels like this is going to be such an emotional experience for me. Just not being ostracized for having feelings for more than one person...

However, I`m also preparing myself for disappointment. The organizer is an atheist, which puts me more at ease. It`s one more thing we have in common. But, he also seems to be super idealistic on social issues. Which is cool, I don`t expect to share everything with everyone there.

I just wonder if I`ll finally feel that sense of connection. The sense of connection I feel in LGBTS clubs, for instance.

The fact that I am bi, lifestyle single, and sex-positive makes me feel like a minority within poly. I`m afraid there will be a bunch of couples making out there, and I will be the third wheel on their dates, basically. If that happens, I`ll say I had already eaten, order tea and leave in 25 minutes flat! :eek:

There is another group, in another Brazilian city, that calls itself Free Relationships Network (Rede de Relacoes Livres), that I identify more with in theory. But, I also had a Facebook disagreement with one of the most active members over what I would consider her anti-man feminism (I avoided that label in our post exchange). Totally have an online crush on her, regardless. :D

Anyway, what was your first poly meeting like? What was going through your mind prior to it? What were your expectations and fears? How did you feel before, during, and after? What was your relationship status at the time? Do you still attend?

I would love to hear your experience. Thank you. :)
 
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Anyway, what was your first poly meeting like? What was going through your mind prior to it? What were your expectations and fears? How did you feel before, during, and after? What was your relationship status at the time? Do you still attend?

I would love to hear your experience. Thank you. :)

hey feelyunicorn,

My first meeting was just two months ago. I was very nervous. It was at a coffee shop that I used to frequent (just across the street from where I used to work) and that helped. My group was formatted as a discussion group with social time afterwards. I was totally surprised as there were about 50 people in the discussion, and more hanging out outside (one was with a baby).

I love the discussion format, because I could slip in and listen and check people out, and feel like I got to know them a little bit as they spoke. Eventually I spoke up too. I felt badly for being late, like I missed introductions, but I don't know if they did that or not. (I've been to my second meeting, and I still don't know)

They were having a big discussion about coming out to parents, and others. I think a lot of folks in the room found it helpful. Then, they broke up for socializing time. Which I also liked because it gave the opportunity for everyone to talk, and in smaller groups.

One of my partners also attended, but he got there later than I did. [I the hinge of a poly-fi vee with two men] Turns out guy with the baby was a guy my partner used to work with. (he's a computer geek at the fruity company ~ apparently several of his coworkers are poly) He doesn't care for discussion format, but he was quite happy to hang out in the other room and socialize.

I felt like one of the guys was hitting on me, but it was ever so polite and it didn't feel creepy to me at all. In fact, it cheered me up, made me feel welcome.

I wasn't able to attend the next month, but I went again last weekend. It was easier the second time, but I still had to push myself. There were less people, but still what I thought was a lot. I can't remember what the topic was supposed to be, but I enjoyed the discussion very much. The social time seemed very clique-ish at the last one. I did talk to someone that I had seen at the first meeting; she and I do very similar jobs. I gave her my card, but have not heard from her.

I'm not excessively shy ~ I have my moments. I really had to push myself to go there alone and get out of my car. I was trying not to have expectations. I've been to a lot of meetings of varying social types in my life. I looked at very much like when I was entering the gay community (so many years ago).

Actually, I had pretty low expectations. They were exceeded. Pretty normal folks. I was surprised by the age range, lots of younger folks and a few folks older than I/my age-ish.

I have just joined their fb group and apparently the really emotional discussions happen there, after meets. That was a bit of a surprise. Seems to me they're starting to consider themselves a large metropolitan group and they're just having a bit of growing pains for that.
 
I was also really nervous about my first poly meeting, but I really needn't have been. There was a broad range of folks there to get to know, and the "couples" thing wasn't anywhere near as prevalent as at non-poly social gatherings. Most of the conversation wasn't even about poly, it was just social getting-to-know-you stuff, and talking about everyday life.

And that has pretty much been the pattern for other poly gatherings I have been at - yes, there is some poly discussion, but the main bond we have is that we just don't look at someone strangely when they are there with their two partners, or talk about issues with their kids and how having two mothers can be a challenge with the school system...

I have heard folks say that it's just nice to be some place they aren't judged for their relationships.
 
I was excited, nervous, curious. I try and keep that in mind when I host events as I remember that I wanted to feel welcomed, and reassured. I make a point of greeting everyone and introducing myself at the events I host so people feel that they are welcome and that its safe to be there.

Hope it goes well for you. :)
 
Anyway, what was your first poly meeting like? What was going through your mind prior to it? What were your expectations and fears? How did you feel before, during, and after? What was your relationship status at the time? Do you still attend?

I would love to hear your experience. Thank you. :)

In no way is this the norm: I met CielDuMatin at my first poly meeting.

I was 22 and single, having determined that I ought not to pursue out of desperation any longer. I was and still am some kind of queer. I also had no driver's licence, so I dragged my dad to the meeting. I decided that if nothing else, this would be a story for Mum.

I don't think I expected much. I wasn't afraid, mainly because people tend to think twice about messing with me if my dad's there. (Mainly because my dad is little but very scary.) I was a bit... wary, I think, of being the youngest, because I had always been the youngest when it came to my sort of interest groups.

I felt a little out of place throughout. I didn't get the warm fuzzies. It wasn't the age thing. It turned out that, with the exception of CdM and his partner, I really had very little in common with anyone. One woman pretty much did what I feared and treated me like a child, even offering to hook me up with her son. The leader took a bit too much interest, I think.

After, I was happy to have made two new friends. CdM and I emailed back and forth for weeks until I got up the guts to ask him if maybe he'd consider trying it out with me, and he said yes, and I about died of shock because hot, worldly guys did NOT land in my lap, ever. That turned out to be a problem for the group leader. As the problem persisted, I felt less and less comfortable in that group. I made other friends, and as far as I was concerned, those friends were enough for me. The group wasn't a good fit, though some of the people were. Does that make sense?

I wish you far better luck, group-wise, than I had!
 
My first poly meet up was spring. I had only found The Birdcage a couple of months prior and was excited to discover that we weren't the only poly people in our area. I think that Runic Wolf was more wary than I was; I tend to make friends easily no matter where I go, but they end up being my friends and he starts feeling left out.

We met at the local Uno's Pizzaria and it was very relaxed and enjoyable. Actually, it was the first time that we met Loveleigh, who at the time Runic Wolf felt drawn to because she looked so familiar to him and he couldn't place it. Then life got in the way and we didn't attend another meet up until February. Loveleigh and I had started talking about it on the forums and planning it at the same time OK Cupid was matching her with Runic Wolf. They actually had their first date the night before our second poly meet up. Which was amusing and filled with good conversation and I look forward to another one.

Good luck!
 
The group wasn't a good fit, though some of the people were. Does that make sense?
Completely. Thank you so much for sharing. I am not a joiner, so if I skim off a couple friends from any group whatsoever, I`ll consider the experience a success.

Kudos for taking the initiative to ask CDM out. I like that. ;)

the "couples" thing wasn't anywhere near as prevalent as at non-poly social gatherings.
Yes, mono hetero social functions are almost impossible for me to frequent these days out of PDA alone. Going to movie theaters is a challenge! :D

I'm not excessively shy ~ I have my moments. I really had to push myself to go there alone and get out of my car. I looked at very much like when I was entering the gay community (so many years ago).

Actually, I had pretty low expectations. They were exceeded. Pretty normal folks. I was surprised by the age range, lots of younger folks and a few folks older than I/my age-ish.
Thanks for sharing. I`m pretty sparing in chats with people I might not relate to. And, sparing as far as fluff talk in general. If it`s funny, I`ll join in. If it`s heartfelt, I`ll join in. But, if it`s who where what when, I give up pretty easy.

I`m impressed with your determination to go there by yourself. I`ll be doing the same. I`m sort of wondering if my being single is going to go over well. Did you come out as gay/bi to the group? If so, how receptive were they?
 
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Feely,

My experience has been that the closer you are to the stereotypical poly person in your area, the more welcoming and useful the poly groups will be to you. For instance, in my local group, the majority are kinky in various ways, many are pagan, most are geeky in some way (with lots of gamers), and most are straight-ish, lean heterosexual.

I'm geeky, a bi woman (who identified as a lesbian for a long time), fairly kinky, and lean pagan spiritually. So I fit in just fine and have had a positive experience. I've been very open about my dykey past and have experienced no issues. I do wish they were a bit less hetero focused and have been actively encouraging the community to move in that direction. But, and it's a significant 'but', I am not a bi man. There are few openly bi men in my community and I wonder if that is true in the US poly communities in general. Brazil may be very different - I hope so. However, even if you don't fit the profile, be yourself anyway and encourage, perhaps gently, your local community to move towards you rather than the other way around.

And the point that while the poly group may not be your cup of tea, you will likely meet some worthwhile folks anyway, is well taken.
 
in my local group, the majority are kinky in various ways, many are pagan, most are geeky in some way (with lots of gamers),
I swear, I can understand the Wiccan connection, but I`ve never understood what gamers have to do with poly. :D Just an observation, it wouldn`t be a problem either way.

As for the bi thing, I don`t expect to share that with anyone there. If it happens, great. If not, then I`ll go to LGBTS clubs and have a grand old time making out with some hotties. That`s not what I expect to share with them.

I`m actually more worried about being single, and casual-sex friendly. Thanks! :)
 
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I swear, I can understand the Wiccan connection, but I`ve never understood what gamers have to do with poly. :D Just an observation, it wouldn`t be a problem either way.

As for the bi thing, I don`t expect to share that with anyone there. If it happens, great. If not, then I`ll go to LGBTS clubs and have a grand old time making out with some hotties. That`s not what I expect to share with them.

I`m actually more worried about being single, and casual-sex friendly. Thanks! :)

Mostly it's a set of traits that correlate, due to the people possessing them moving to the fringes of mainstream culture/developing subcultures of their own. Gaming has nothing to do with poly except that a lot of poly people are also gamers. :)
 
As for the bi thing, I don`t expect to share that with anyone there. If it happens, great. If not, then I`ll go to LGBTS clubs and have a grand old time making out with some hotties. That`s not what I expect to share with them.

I`m actually more worried about being single, and casual-sex friendly. Thanks! :)

Obviously it is totally up to you to share what you feel comfortable sharing. You know your environment best. I just gently suggest that you not rule out sharing this side of yourself with people in a poly group right away. I've usually found, in environments where I felt safe, the more open I was about who I was - all parts of me - the more open and relaxed I felt in that environment, and the more openly people reacted to me. You certainly don't have to be the bi poly guy flag waver, but if not you, well who?

I've found more concern about casual sex and differentiating it from poly online than in in-person meetings. My local group has ties to the swing communities here but that may be unusual. Of course, you may have a different experience in a different environment.

Mostly it's a set of traits that correlate, due to the people possessing them moving to the fringes of mainstream culture/developing subcultures of their own. Gaming has nothing to do with poly except that a lot of poly people are also gamers. :)

As for the gaming connection, what lovefromgirl said.
 
Good luck at your meeting, Feelyunicorn.

I was also very nervous at my first poly group discussion. I drove an hour and a half by myself to a place where I knew absolutely no one. (That alone made me nervous even without the confusion of not knowing what to expect from a poly group.)

Everyone was very nice and welcoming. I did not feel uncomfortable at all.

But I also didn't feel like I fit in too well. Everyone was a bit clique-y. Everyone seemed totally experienced with poly and totally sure they were poly, rather than new and just questioning, like me.

Also, everyone had at least one partner (even if they didn't bring the partners with them to the meeting). I definitely felt like I was the only person there who was un-partnered and unsure of what I was looking for in a relationship (or whether I wanted a relationship at all).

However, there were no couples making out! I don't think you need to worry about that.

Ultimately, while I've had no negative experiences at poly groups, I don't really feel that the poly community is "my" community.

Feelyunicorn, the best advice I would give you is just to go to see what it's like. Don't expect too much, but go expecting to feel excluded either.

Also: don't hit on anyone or flirt with anyone at your first meeting. I don't know about the Brazilian poly community, but the groups I know are very clear about making discussion groups a safe place where people (especially women) don't have to worry about unwanted attention. Nor should you assume that all poly people are available.

After you get comfortable with the group, you can be more open about yourself and your situation. You might be able to raise the issues of finding support for the single-by-choice and for a more casual-sex-positive environment.

I personally noticed that those two aspects of my own life (single by choice, and open to pursuing more casual-type dating) are not much addressed in my local poly community.

Good luck, and tell us how it goes! I didn't even know there was any type of poly community in Brazil.
 
My first poly group meetup was a few months ago. I had no idea what to expect, and I was nervous and self-conscious from the get go.

Everyone was very polite. We sat around multiple tables in an outdoor restaurant for informal chat. A couple guys reminisced about the swinging/sex clubs and strip bars they used to attend before becoming poly, which made be even more self-conscious. (I've never been into swinging or "gentleman's clubs", and the thought still overwhelms my virgin Puritan sensibilities. :confused:) I latched onto the only mono person there and focused on vanilla, non-poly topics such as work, family, etc.

Then I stumbled upon an old best friend of mine that I haven't seen for years. We were both shocked to see each other there of all places... it went something like: "Oh. Wow! So, then... you're poly too?" :) We spent the rest of the time catching up on the past 10+ years and having a blast.

I haven't been to another poly meeting since, but I probably will at some point. Or maybe I'll procrastinate and attend some other things first, like archery, or a class on rescue diving... and (of course) I have a zombie 5k survival run later this year. :D

...I've never understood what gamers have to do with poly. :D Just an observation, it wouldn't be a problem either way.

zOMG! My wife and I are geek/gamers, and many of our friends (who are geek/gamer polys) used to speculate amongst themselves on whether or not we were also poly. We weren't at the time, but when we opened our marriage and came out amongst our friends, I suspect one of them won a toaster oven (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKfEdjlRxSk).

[Regarding going to my first poly meeting...] I'm actually more worried about being single, and casual-sex friendly.

I wouldn't worry about attending a poly meetup by yourself. Granted, I've only been to ONE ever, but I went there by myself (not with the rest of my poly family) and everyone was very nice. No flirting... just a safe environment to meet other likeminded souls.

Mono hetero social functions are almost impossible for me to frequent these days out of PDA alone. Going to movie theaters is a challenge! :D

When we go to the movie theater together, we're all holding hands and grinning from ear to ear. :D
 
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Also: don't hit on anyone or flirt with anyone at your first meeting.
Shouldn`t be an issue coming from my end. If we`re talking about women, I`d rather they take the initiative. And, when I do it, it`s because they`ve literally hit me over the head with it for ages...these days, even that might not work too well. I walk away on flirtation.

Want me? Be blunt and unsmiling. :D

You certainly don't have to be the bi poly guy flag waver
I`m not even a flag waver among other bisexuals. I`ll likely neither hide it nor advertise it.
 
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My first poly meeting was a disaster. It seemed everyone wanted to hook up more than anything else.
Still, it was good to talk to other people who understood. But I really felt a disconnect with most of them.
 
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