I need advice!!

confusedpoly

New member
I am in desperate need of advice and I don't know where to turn.

My husband and I have been married for about 7 1/2 years and together only a little over a year longer than that. We got into polyamory almost 9 months ago. We are what you would call a triangle. We have a mutual girlfriend. Her and her two children live with us and our two children. The kids have a vague idea of what is going on but nothing more than that. Some of our family members, some friends and some coworkers know about all of us.

My problem is this. When our relationship first started I was happy, it was easy and I loved it. But with every passing day I find it harder and harder to deal with. I want to make it clear that I'm not the kind of person who just gives up and runs away when things get tough. It's just that I thought that this was what I wanted and now I know it's not. I realized a few months ago that I hate sharing my husband. Maybe it makes me selfish and greedy but I just want him back. I have told him that I don't want this anymore and that I hate sharing him, but he still wants it.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want this but they both do. I refuse to ask, beg or to make him get rid of her. I want him to not want her but he does and that cannot be changed. I can't keep living like this but I don't want to lose my husband.
 
what is it about sharing him that bothers you?

There is SOMETHING at the bottom line. What's the fear/hurt/insecurity at the bottom of this in you?
 
I think what I hate most about sharing him is that it hurts and under that I'm sure I'm jealous and insecure about myself. I hate that he wants her, what's wrong with me so that I'm not enough for him anymore? I know that a lot of my negative feelings about this relationship are strictly because of me and my thoughts and feelings, but I don't know how to deal with them anymore. That's why I'm here. I wish someone had a magic wand that they could wave that would just make everything perfect but I know that's not going to happen. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.
 
You are right, there is no magic wand.

BUT there are ways to alleviate those issues.

There are HEALTHY ways to alleviate those issues.

Trying to make someone else change who they are in order to make ourselves feel better is never healthy (even in monogomous relationships).

Have you ever read any of the articles on xeromag.com?
There are a few that might be helpful to you... if you go to that website, then click on "polyamory" then read them all, seriously. There are articles about jealousy on there that REALLY helped out Maca in dealing with exactly what you are talking about.

Do you read books? (some people loathe it that's why I ask)
 
I think what I hate most about sharing him is that it hurts and under that I'm sure I'm jealous and insecure about myself. I hate that he wants her, what's wrong with me so that I'm not enough for him anymore? I know that a lot of my negative feelings about this relationship are strictly because of me and my thoughts and feelings, but I don't know how to deal with them anymore. That's why I'm here. I wish someone had a magic wand that they could wave that would just make everything perfect but I know that's not going to happen. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.
Maybe ask him why he likes being with you? It sounds like insecurity is driving many of the feelings you have about this. If you were to know why he really loves you and being with you, then it may not hurt so much. In a sense, this other person can not take anything away from your relationship with him.

I hope this works out for you.
 
OOOOH I have to elaborate on Quath's thought.

In any given relationship-not just between lovers,
NO ONE can make or break the relationship but the people in it.

This is something Midnightsun and I were discussing recently.

My stepson's mother has spent 12 years in emotional turmoil over me 'replacing her'. It's not possible. I LOVE my stepson as my own-and he loves me as his own. He calls me mom. I sign my letters to him MomLR (ok I use my real initial, but you get the picture). She LOATHES that he calls me mom because she feels like it takes something away from her, but the truth is-it doesn't.

My daughter (the oldest) calls her auntie mom and she calls me mom (sometimes mommy still) and she calls her stepmom mom.
She calls her father dad, she calls Maca dad and she has two other guys she calls dad as well!
It's a term of endearment, but it doesn't replace anything.

Maca can't make or break things for GG right now in our relationship (GG and I are struggling through some learning steps) and when Maca and I were struggling GG couldn't make or break things for us.

Your SO's other girlfriend can't be you, can't replace you, can't make him love you less or more, can't make you more or less sexy to him or more or less good in bed either.

ONLY YOU can do those things.

BUT you CAN improve ALL sorts of things about yourself by choosing to and you can improve all sorts of things about your relationship by improving yourself and getting to know him EVEN BETTER too!!
 
Hi Confused,

Well - shall we dig into this some ?

My problem is this. When our relationship first started I was happy, it was easy and I loved it. But with every passing day I find it harder and harder to deal with.

What made you "happy". Was it primarily because of the sexual part ?



I want to make it clear that I'm not the kind of person who just gives up and runs away when things get tough. It's just that I thought that this was what I wanted and now I know it's not. I realized a few months ago that I hate sharing my husband.

Why did you think you wanted it ? What picture did you have in your mind ?

Has anything changed - except you ? Having a houseful of kids and all that goes with that - and different parents - is somewhat of a balancing act. Is any of that behind your changed feelings ? Is that part of what's becoming "tough" ?




I don't know where to go from here. I don't want this but they both do. I refuse to ask, beg or to make him get rid of her. I want him to not want her but he does and that cannot be changed. I can't keep living like this but I don't want to lose my husband.

If we rule out the "family" (mixed) complications, does it possibly come down to the fact that although the 3 way sexual potential seemed exciting, that you were never aware that it could take a leap beyond sex ?

And that now you have to use the same tools and reasoning that you used to overcome sexual jealousy (intimacy) to get past emotional intimacy.

It's really very much the same reasoning and skill set in may ways.
We have to get past personal insecurities.

We have to adopt another understanding that relationships (sexual or emotional) are NOT some form of competition. Everyone can "win" - and should at various points.

We don't "own" anyone other than ourselves ! We have no right to. We WANT to partner with them in their quest for a happy, fulfilled life. And have them partner with us.

So where really is the problem do you think ?

GS
 
Wow all of you guys are great! You ask alot of insightful questions that require some deep thinking and soul searching on my part. And I sincerely appreciate the great advice.I'm going to respond to everyones post in one big post, hope no one minds. Let me start off by saying to Loving Radience that I do very much enjoy reading. I haven't read the articles you suggested but I certainly will. I also read towards the beginning of our relationship Jenny Block's book Open. It was helpful but I wish it had been more in depth about how her and her husband dealt with all the feelings. Does anyone know any other books I can read? Polyamory books can be hard to find at the library.

I've been doing alot of thinking since yesturday and I realized I need to put more thought into how I word things before I say them.

Before all of this started I was not a jealous or insecure person. So these are all completely new emotions for me. I just wanted to clear up that i never been worried about them leaving me for each other.

What made me happy about all of this in the beginning that it seems like I've lost now is the connection with both of them. Let's just clear up the sex versus relationship issue. Yes the sex is great, but no I never planned on that being the focus of our relationship. I want a real meaningful relationship for all 3 of us. I want us all to be one big happy family. We consider everything ours. The kids, the pets, the house, finances, decision making, etc. etc.

I feel like I have lost the connection with both of them. None of talk like we use to and yes I know a large part of that is because of me. Which I have taken immediate steps to rectify. Tomorrow night is date night. I told both of them to bring a list of things they want to talk about: thoughts, feelings, issues, good things, bad things, things that need improved and changed. I hope this helps.

I'm not ready to give up on all of us yet. I love them both. I just find myself constantly struggling to accept.
 
I went back and reread the posts that everyone has made and I decided I needed to elaborate about my response to grounded spirits questions.

In the beginning I wanted it to go beyond just the sexual aspect of the relationship. I love them both and they both love me. Their love is different for each other then what it is with me. They love each other but they aren't in love with each other at least not yet. Make sense? I want them to be in love with each other. I want this relationship to be more than just sexual.

The chaotic household with all the combined kids, pets and finances doesn't affect me. I love the chaos and thrive on it.

I probably should have mentioned somewhere along the line that this has been my first experience with polyamory, threesomes and being in love with another woman.

I dont want to give up yet and that is why I'm here learning from the wisdom of those who are living this lifestyle.
 
Thanks again Confused :)

In the beginning I wanted it to go beyond just the sexual aspect of the relationship. I love them both and they both love me.

{{{scratching head}}} So you love them, they love you and THAT's a problem ????? Can we all come & live in your problem plagued world ?

Their love is different for each other then what it is with me. They love each other but they aren't in love with each other at least not yet. Make sense? I want them to be in love with each other. I want this relationship to be more than just sexual.

Everyone's love is "different". That's what makes it special. Not only between lovers but our family, pets, neighbors etc. If it wasn't unique it wouldn't be as special !



I dont want to give up yet and that is why I'm here learning from the wisdom of those who are living this lifestyle.

So in the end I'm quite confused.............

............I don't know where to go from here. I don't want this but they both do. I refuse to ask, beg or to make him get rid of her. I want him to not want her but he does and that cannot be changed. I can't keep living like this but I don't want to lose my husband.

This from your first post. Here you say you DON'T want it. Then - in the following posts you seem to want it badly - if maybe in a more mature, evolved form.

So which is it ? :)

Maybe I'm not the only one confused ?

GS
 
What made me happy about all of this in the beginning that it seems like I've lost now is the connection with both of them. Let's just clear up the sex versus relationship issue. Yes the sex is great, but no I never planned on that being the focus of our relationship. I want a real meaningful relationship for all 3 of us. I want us all to be one big happy family. We consider everything ours. The kids, the pets, the house, finances, decision making, etc. etc.

A) congrats...it sounds like you have what most people would want (loving polyamory :))
b) if communication is that important to your friendships and relationships than maybe you need to take the time to either tell them this...or initiate. Everyone has differing levels of communication. Now that everything is comfy, maybe they don't feel the need to talk all the time?...If communication is your ideal...then you need to tell them that.

I am a touchy person, I want to be touched...if I don't tell my partner(s) AND they aren't touchy feely...I have to blame myself for failing to communicate that

:)

In the beginning I wanted it to go beyond just the sexual aspect of the relationship. I love them both and they both love me. Their love is different for each other then what it is with me. They love each other but they aren't in love with each other at least not yet. Make sense? I want them to be in love with each other. I want this relationship to be more than just sexual.

I am left a little confused...but I think I kind of get it. Your love(s) will all be different. Don't worry about comparing them, you will just torture yourself (kind of what you are doing)...there are 4 connections in a relationship like yours...all 4 connections won't be completely equal :)
 
I am confusing arent I? Thats why I picked the name I did confusedpoly.

Again I find myself lacking when it comes to clearly saying what I mean.

I do want all of us to be together but it's so hard at times that I don't know if I can continue trying to work at it. I'm looking for help because I want to make it work but I lack the skills or knowledge of how to do so. Let me remind you that I have previously said that I don't just run away from problems when things get hard. I want to know how to deal with all my crazy thoughts and feelings and I am also aware that I am the major source of issues in our relationship right now. I would like all of us to be able to evolve together, to overcome our issues and become a stronger triangle.

I don't agree with your comment about my problem plagued world, just because we all love each other doesn't mean that it makes everything easier.
 
I feel like I have lost the connection with both of them. None of talk like we use to and yes I know a large part of that is because of me. Which I have taken immediate steps to rectify. Tomorrow night is date night. I told both of them to bring a list of things they want to talk about: thoughts, feelings, issues, good things, bad things, things that need improved and changed. I hope this helps.

I'm not ready to give up on all of us yet. I love them both. I just find myself constantly struggling to accept.

I have a question for you. Do you have date nights with each of them individually or is it always a three way date?

It may seem like you never get alone time with either of them because it seems like you are always together, all three (or more with kids) of you. Shared intimacy can be wonderful but you have to take care to have some of that one on one intimacy as well or you could risk losing that which brought you and your husband, you and your girlfriend and your husband and girlfriend together in the first place.

My boyfriends and I have nights which are ours exclusively. Sunday night is for my Primary. That time is ours to do with as we choose. We usually spend it reconnecting after a long work week and a weekend of having my kids around. Sometimes we invite friends to join us for a movie night or a potluck dinner.

Tuesdays is for Possibility and myself. It's for quiet times, TV shows on DVD, reconnecting after a week apart.

Usually Wednesday is for my Primary and his possibility, depending on their work schedules.

Friday nights are my time to reconnect with myself and recharge my batteries! The kids are out with friends, boyfriends are gaming together & I get the peace and quiet my soul craves during the week.

I will second (or is it third) http://www.xeromag.com. I have used it to help me get past the hurdles of jealousy and hurt feelings, communication (or lack of), how NOT to do polyamory, how to be a secondary, etc.

just because we all love each other doesn't mean that it makes everything easier

You just said a mouth full! Love can often times complicate things beyond our wildest imaginings! In the end though it is worth the effort.
 
I am confusing arent I? Thats why I picked the name I did confusedpoly.

Again I find myself lacking when it comes to clearly saying what I mean.

I do want all of us to be together but it's so hard at times that I don't know if I can continue trying to work at it. I'm looking for help because I want to make it work but I lack the skills or knowledge of how to do so. Let me remind you that I have previously said that I don't just run away from problems when things get hard. I want to know how to deal with all my crazy thoughts and feelings and I am also aware that I am the major source of issues in our relationship right now. I would like all of us to be able to evolve together, to overcome our issues and become a stronger triangle.

hmmm...be settled with the fact you have something to make work. This doesn't happen often. You have a working triad but as with all things it will take effort. You are in the situation looking out...working with a situation where everyone cares for each other is...well like any relationship. Difficult. Communicate, talk, speak your mind and figure out how they communicate so you can work with them. Everyone communicates differently, once you figure that out, you can use the tools you have and make it work.

ok to specific points, we all lack the skills initially to deal with these problems. These are unique to a small group of introverted people. While relationship tools are universal you have to do research to figure out how to make what you have work. It reads like you have to do the step one...communicate fully...start there and other challenges will come up...thats half the fun...

Make sure you realize you have the germination of a potentially great thing...you just have to help it grow (god that sounds very hippy of me...yikes)

I don't agree with your comment about my problem plagued world, just because we all love each other doesn't mean that it makes everything easier.

You are past step one (everyone loving and wanting the same thing)...thats further than most get...:)
 
try expanding your love of HER

Hi there,

The key is to be connected to HER as well. Try that, breath and hold her, love her. Clear anything with her and welcome her into your heart. There must be a strong connection with her for this to feel right...

Best,
Tom
 
The New Love Without Limits-Deborah Anapol

Living Happily Ever After-Marsha Sinetar

The Seven Levels of Intimacy- Matthew Kelly

Nonviolent Communication-Marshall B. Rosenberg


That's my starting book list.

Honestly they aren't all "poly" books. BUT they are all books that will make poly easier. ;)
 
Hi again CP,

I do want all of us to be together but it's so hard at times that I don't know if I can continue trying to work at it.

So can you get any definite sense of what exactly you feel is "hard" ?
You had mentioned earlier some sense of "losing connection". Is that it ? You may want to investigate whether it's really a lost connection - or the maturation and passing of what we usually call NRE. If it turns out to be that - it's ok. That's perfectly natural in any relationship. Although it may seems something has gone away it really is just something that's evolved to another stage.

If you don't think that's what it is, then it may be that you have this certain picture in your mind about how you EXPECTED things to unfold. And maybe it will be different ? That's neither good nor bad. It just is. Expectations are always dangerous things in a fluid world. Best to try to learn to be flexible and minimize (or at least don't attach to) expectations. Keeps things simpler.

I don't agree with your comment about my problem plagued world, just because we all love each other doesn't mean that it makes everything easier.

Please pardon the little tongue-in-cheek there :)
But off topic, it's good to remind ourselves that despite the complications, living in a world surrounded by love & caring is a luxury that many, many people in this world will never have. Good to have perspective.

Keep going................

GS
 
I am feeling so blessed to have found this website. All of you have been absolutely wonderful with your advice and your lack of judgement. I hope that if this relationship works that one day I can help someone else who is in a similiar situation to mine like all of you.

To keep everyone updated: I have since last posting specifically asked him why he loves me. It was nice to hear and long overdue, I had forgotten why he was with me in the first place.

I am going to go find the list of books that Loving Radience has suggested tomorrow and I'm going to visit the website that has been recommended several times now as soon as I am done posting this.

I am going to focus on myself (but only for the time being) I am going to do a lot of soul searching to discover the deep down reason for why seeing them together hurts, I am going to figure out my expectations and what I want this relationship to be like. I am going to work on me as an individual (how can I be a part of a relationship, especially a triad, if I don't feel like I know me anymore?) Then I am going to work on my communication skills with both of them seperately and then all three of us together.

To answer someone's question (can't remember who) yes we have seperate times together. Him and I have a night and him and her have a night. But perhaps she and I need a night as well. A good point was made about me needing to love her more. And I need some time for myself. No significant others, no kids, and I'm not going to let myself sit around and be bored and miserable turning this time I am going to try and use it constructively to work on figuring out what makes me happy.

Again, I cannot thank all of you enough. Especially you Loving Radience and Grounded Spirit, you two have been with me from the beginning of this and I feel like (god this is going to sound lame) like I have found two people who could really be my friends and who really care about what I am going through.

Sometimes not having people to talk to can be very difficult. I don't know anyone who is in a polyamorous relationship and sometimes I just can't talk to the people I am with. (which I am going to work on). Its just great beyond words to have somewhere to go.

I'll let everyone know how things go as they happen.
 
GREAT plan!

When it starts to feel like it's a hopeless plan (and it will) get your butt back on here and talk-because it's not hopeless, it's just that those feelings WILL arise again. They CAN be handled-don't let them handle you.


As for 2 friends, since Groundedspirit is ACTUALLY 2 people, that means you made 3. :)

Keep your head up and keep us posted.

Some ideas for "you" time.

I take a bath, with a book almost every evening. Sometimes it's only 10-15 minutes long, some days it's an hour. But it's MY time and I really make good on enjoying it.

I also take a walk almost every day. THAT is an hour and fifteen minutes-4.5 miles. I can't tell you how much that hour of walking does for me.
At first I HATED walking.
But after 6 months or so I noticed that even though I kept SAYING "I hate walking" if I didn't go I got anxious and emotional and tense.
After about a year I gave in and admitted that I like the walks.
After about 18 months I acknowledged that I NEED those walks and now I just do it!
When I'm all healed up from my surgeries, I'm going to start running! Even if I can only run for 1 minute at a time, I'm going to start, someday I'm doing the Ironman triathlon.

Pick a goal, doesn't matter what, then just stick to it. ;)
 
Please pardon the little tongue-in-cheek there :)
But off topic, it's good to remind ourselves that despite the complications, living in a world surrounded by love & caring is a luxury that many, many people in this world will never have. Good to have perspective.

Great advice!
Going to send that one to Maca. ;)
 
Back
Top