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Old 03-02-2013, 02:24 AM
whatif whatif is offline
New Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
Arrow Terrified of the whole idea. Please analyse/counsel me

I'm interested in polyamory to improve my personal growth and empathy, but the whole idea scares me to death.

I would like to know how it's better helped you experience life, and if you, or anyone you know started out with the same fears I did and was able to get past them.


Fear of Abandonment
I have only been in monogamous relationships and the idea of my partner with anyone else terrifies me. I worry that I will be abandoned. I worry especially that if I was in a bad situation and my partner would take the easier course to be with someone who was less demanding.

Fear of Abandoning
I worry that I would be tempted to leave a partner who was struggling, or to spend less time with them.

Fear of Shallow Commitment
I worry that by not being committed to one person I wouldn't feel the pressure to really understand them. This is somewhat countered by a relationship I had that, once it was clear it was ending, we were able to open up to each other a lot more.

Fear of Misstepping
I like to play by the rules. Monogamy can sometimes be confusing enough, but in the case of polyamory - if I break up with a partner, do I seek consel with another partner, or with friends? How do I respect my other relationships. In the case of triangular or greater ties between people how does one co-ordinate time respectfully. How do you know when to bring up multipartner sex? Do you bring it up with everyone concerned simultaneously, or with one person at a time?

Fear of Apathy
If a partner starts to drift away, I'm worried I may be less likely to try to do something, because it's easier just to stay with partners who value me. I think this may limit my personal growth as I'd be less concerned about finding solutions.

Fear of STDs
I feel I would have to trust so many more people - not just my partners, but all their partners, their partner's partners, etc. I feel like I'd have to just throw caution to the wind or use protection 100% of the time.

Fear of Judgement of Family and Friends
I know some of my family would have an issue with it. I know most of my friends would be ok. I worry about what they would think about me -- am I too flighty to take relationships seriously? am I so bad I can't get someone to commit to me?

Fear of Being Seen as a Threat to Everyone
Being single or mono puts you in a clear box. I worry that being poly could lead to everyone thinking I'm hitting on them.

Fear of Societal Judgement
I'm involved in in education and women's rights. I feel that if my polyamory became public it could damage my ability to be effective in both those areas.

So that's probably not a complete list, but enough for now!

Clearly I have some self worth / self confidence issues. Feel free to speculate on their root cause, or any other issues at play.

It could be easy to say. Polyamory is not for everyone and it's clearly not for you. My goal is not specifically to become poly or not. It's to grow as a person and better understand others while working through some of my fears.
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