How do i...

snowbunnie

New member
So I am in a relationship with Ben(bf of three years) and we are good together, we've been living together for a while, even moved half way across the country together. But needless to say we are together. We have talked about opening our relationship to swing, and I was uncomfortable about it, so we didn't.

Something changed a few weeks ago. I met another man that I was attracted to. He is attracted to me. He is monogamous, of a different faith(which promotes monogamy), and he knows that I have a bf. I have tried to let him know that I am poly without making myself out to be a whore/easy/slut, and I don't think it has worked. I want to let him know that I have permission to date him, and that we can go out and meet up without my bf there, but I don't know how.

X_X What do I do? How do I let him know that it's okay for him to date me?

I have talked with Ben more, and we've come to an agreement that we can go do our own thing outside of our relationship, he wants to swing and have fwb while I simply seek to have another bf or possible husband in the future.
 
He is monogamous, of a different faith(which promotes monogamy), and he knows that I have a bf.

If you KNOW all that why are you considering offering him a mixed-faith type polyship? And asking him to change a core belief of his about monogamy and go against his faith teachings to boot?

Just different faith paths can be a challenge in a relationship. And here it is different paths AND mismatch in what you want for relationship configurations.

If you want him to know you are poly -- tell him so. That still doesn't mean he's going to want to date you. But you could let him know.

"I find you attractive and would like to date you. I am polyamorous. Would you be willing to entertain talking about what dating a poly person like me would entail? If not it is totally ok to say no, not willing. But I did want you to know you are are an attractive person and I like your style. Paying you a compliment at least brightens your day, right? "

Galagirl
 
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I have tried to let him know that I am poly without making myself out to be a whore/easy/slut, and I don't think it has worked. I want to let him know that I have permission to date him, and that we can go out and meet up without my bf there, but I don't know how.

Why do you think letting him know you're poly didn't work? Did he not know what poly is? Did he not understand that you were saying you are poly? It seems if you told him you're poly and he knows what that is, then he knows you are free to date him. Is it possible because his faith teaches monogamy (which most world faiths do) that he gets that you're free to date but does not want to date a girl with a boyfriend, regardless? Or are you pretty sure he just didn't understand what you were saying?
 
His english isn't great, which is why I am afraid it came across the wrong way. I am currently taking the Rosetta Stone class to learn his language so we can communicate better.

As far as the faiths go I am not trying to change what he believes, but simply to see if he was open to the idea of dating a girl with another man already.
 
Yes, but in dating him will being with you rain down all kinds of grief from his faith community, family and friends since his faith teaches monogamy? Will he be ostracized? If he doesn't think of it himself if he ponders dating you, you may have to ask it of him to be clear.

And NOW there's a language hurdle too. That's another major hurdle to overcome.

Isn't there anyone around that is easier to date that is more compatible? So you can find out what you have in common without so many layers of penetration to have to wade through?

It's not a bad thing to be in a mixed relationship but it isn't as easy stacking up 3 major challenges on there like mono-poly, faith, and language!

Just because you feel an attraction doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. That's why it is DATING. You try to up the odds of success. :confused:

If you are determined, just tell him. What language is it? Spanish? Since you note it is south texas?

Galagirl
 
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Yes it is Spanish.

It wasn't until I met him that I even seriously considered dating outside of my current relationship, I personally find it very hard to find someone that is attracted to me, so now that I actually have someone that is interested, I don't want to just pass on it because it's complicated and not easy.

I think it's a good idea to consider seeing others and not just this one, and I will think about it.
 
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It's not a bad thing to be in a mixed relationship but it isn't as easy stacking up 3 major challenges on there like mono-poly, faith, and language!

And the 4th: this being your first experience with non-monogamy...

My best friend stayed with an abusive partner for years because he had her convinced that she would never find someone else. That's never true, and it's a terrible reason to date someone.

But if you must.... Google gives me:

Yo no soy monógama. Soy libre para salir con otras personas. Me gustaría salir contigo. ¿Quieres salir conmigo?
 
Lol, thanks for the laugh. I bet that will do it.

I am not with Ben because he has me thinking that nor is it an abusive relationship. We love each other very much, but there are things that I need in my life that he isn't willing to do, therefore now that I have someone willing to consider the things that I want from a relationship, I do not want to just leave one man for another. I love Ben, but I do think I am falling for another, and that puts me in a spot where it's either one or both and damn it I choose both.
 
I am not with Ben because he has me thinking that nor is it an abusive relationship.

Oh, I wasn't implying that was the case. Rather that your reason, when asked why you're pursuing someone when there are so many reasons to look elsewhere, seemed to be that it's hard to find people. That comes across as through you're settling... not in the sense that he's below you, but rather that you're signing up for a lot of unnecessary hard work when it would be simpler to look elsewhere.
 
I'm a great example of 'some choices defy reason' and possibly not a good one to talk. I also understand perfectly well loving two men, as I do.

But seriously-I have to wonder, if you have so much incompatibility with this person, what is it you DO have in common? Because attraction does not make a relationship viable (nor does love)....
 
He makes me smile, blush, and feel like I'm special. Don't get me wrong Ben can as well, but's it's refreshing to actually see it, feel it, and have it offered to me from another. I guess wanting to make it work with someone who would be extremely complicated to even have in my life just makes me stupid.

I think I'm going to crawl under a rock now.
 
...I guess wanting to make it work with someone who would be extremely complicated to even have in my life just makes me stupid.

I think I'm going to crawl under a rock now.

Oh dear! You don't need need to feel bad! I, and most people here, don't think you are stupid - just caught up in the flood of new possibilities and attraction, which tends to make us view situations through rose-colored glasses and believe that all things are possible. (Which is likely some kind of survival mechanism - if we saw everybody's flaws in stark reality before we had a chance to get to know them and love them very few relationships would get off the ground :p)

He makes me smile, blush, and feel like I'm special. Don't get me wrong Ben can as well, but's it's refreshing to actually see it, feel it, and have it offered to me from another.

And there is nothing wrong with that! Enjoy it! Bask in it!

...but don't bank on it. Relationships are built out of more than attraction (or even love). Just because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean that you have to pursue things to any particular level. You can enjoy a crush or a flirty friendship, enjoy his attention, etc. without necessarily taking it any further.

The folks on this board, looking at the information that you have provided from an outside position are just pointing out that poly (and relationships in general) can be hard enough without throwing additional hurdles into the mix. Especially, if this is new to you (and them). And communication - being such a foundation for any relationship, mono or poly, can be a real sticking point even if people speak the same language.

JaneQ
 
Aw...I don't think you are stupid.

I think you are under a hot and heavy crush thing. I'm just saying go slow here. Assess the lay of the land first before doing anything.

If after a calm assessment of your fitness to take on THIS kind of relationship with THIS person? Like -- "ok, systems check -- I'm good in myself and fit for the mission!" Next you check in with him to see how he feels about exploring all that-- if HE is willing to go there after he does a systems check of himself. Is HE good in himself and fit for the mission? (Ben will have to also be good in himself and fit for the mission. ) Nobody ever died from going slow, and waiting to let the "pink fluffy cloud lala" feeling to clear a bit so they can do a solid assessment of themselves, their potential poly partners, and the poly configuration that could be built here.

THIS is what this relationship will take to fly well. Do I have what it takes? Does the rest of the crew on this potential polyship?

I love the pink fluffy lala feelings of a crush -- it is FUN! :D Enjoy that part of it while you are at that part of it.

A time and place for everything, and everything in its time and place.

YOU are the pilot of your life destiny. Don't rush off to build things, and don't NOT build them. But rather get there in a good time of your choosing.

If you feel like "Yes! I am fit! I am prepared and realistic!" Go for it, chica! Ask him if he's interested and what HIS fitness for this mission is. Enjoy all the little steps in the discovery/dating process! :)

Galagirl
 
Last night was kind of en eye opener for me.

He threw up some red flags and while if he threw himself at my feet I'd be excited, but I'd probably have to turn it down, and it has nothing to do with the complications that i've already listed.

Here's the kicker: I do believe he's sleeping with another married woman from work, and her husband has no idea seeing as he works and is gone for days at a time. While she was there, he wouldn't give me any of the normal attention that he usually does, and as soon as she left he was all over me once again.

I remember when he first kissed me. I got all excited and need to let off some of the excitment and I told her(the married woman). The next day he was all pissed off at me, why I don't really know, but I do have my guesses as to why he was upset at me. Either way, I'm taking other avenues and I'm 98% sure I am not going to bother with him anymore.

I guess GalaGirl was right, I crushed, and crushed hard on this guy and it really sucks for me that it's not going to work.
 
No, I don't think you're stupid. Maybe a little bit naive-but we ALL start that way! Every single person on the planet!

I wrote a blog post recently regarding a crush. I'll share the link.

It's ok to enjoy a crush-but as an above poster said, just don't bank on it.
Sometimes they work-but having a crush doesn't make something feasible. Figuring out if it will work takes time.

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2012/11/14/nre-is-it-love-or-something-else/

Good luck! [Don't take constructive questions and criticism as a personal attack. :) We're trying to help-but we have only a few words here to go on, we can't see the whole of your situation. So, sometimes our perspective may be skewed. We're basing our responses on probability (what the TYPICAL result is) and the small amount of info conveyed in a few posts] :)
 
Ack... I am glad you did not get in deeper then if it turns out he is not honest in his dating life. That having a cheating affair thing does not flatter him. I am glad you missed that soap opera in the making. Whew!

GG
 
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