65, 69, and 76 are the posts written by Mono that go along with my thoughts here today, from this thread:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3811&page=7
The Halloween party was this past weekend and it was very fun. I had a great time and have no regrets, even though it put me flat on my back sick for two days afterwards. I over-pushed myself!
I am left feeling a lot of emotion, though. Still trying to sort it out, but I think it boils down to feeling disappointed, sad, jealous and threatened in terms of my NSBF, who I will call Leo from now on, as he is a Leo astrologically.
He didn't come over to talk to me. I went over to him each time. He spent all his time with his swinging friends and his wife. It was obvious that he was fine with doing this, and had no thought that I might want him to come and say hi to my friends. I hung out with him off and on. I got ogled and manhandled and propositioned, all of which was uncomfortable and uninteresting to me. I decided to make it obvious that my intent was to be with him, and that seemed to help. I gave him lots of attention and he relished it. I don't think his wife was all that impressed, however.
I don't know what is going on for her. She is not a big talker to me so I can only say what I sense: judgement, disapproval, threat, and that I am judging her. We spent two years talking about poly, our discomfort with swinging, our experiences etc. They didn't say they were very involved with the community. I am left feeling a bit of a dolt on that one.
They don't seem to have a lot of sex and only sleep with people that they find attractive, or she does and he watches. That is all I know. They seem to spend most of their time with friends. I don't get all that. I am so confused. There, add that to the list of emotions, also. Why go to these things if you aren't going to have sex? For fun? Like-minded friends, I guess? I am accepting now, but don't understand. Maybe that is all I can do.
PN and I talked about it all tonight and agreed that we would simply be supportive and allow them the space to talk as they want. Maybe they will feel comfortable now, or maybe not. I am worried that it will mean the end of my relationship with Leo, though. After all, why would he want to spend time with me when he could be fucking someone? I am not willing to go there, but someone else will. Wouldn't that be a better investment?
It brings back all of my crazy ideas about only being valuable for sex, not friendship or love. Am I really only worth my sexuality to men, and him in particular, that he would end our relationship because I won't put out? My mind is playing tricks again and moving back to my old way of thinking.
I'm really quite jealous at this point. He spends a good deal of time with these friends of late and says he doesn't have time for me. Then I see him at this party and he sits with them and waits for me to come to him. The fear behind my jealousy, the unmet need is TIME WITH HIM! Damn it. I need to feel appreciated and loved and have a chance to talk with him about all these concerns. How do I bring that all up without having time and when I don't feel I am worth something to him? He says he is busy at work and I believe that, but still wonder.
So the other stuff... I told Mono all about it and he wasn't pleased. This time the displeasure only lasted a little while, though. Baby steps. For me, all the sex stuff was boring and confusing and left me thinking more about myself in all that than anything else. It seemed to me that it was like any other bar scene, but with rooms upstairs and an orgy room. A bar, but more hyped up. People were just lingering and eyeing each other up.
Our poly group was by far the more flirty and fun loving. We let loose! Danced our asses off and enjoyed each other's company, uninhibited and far more confident. At least it seemed so to me. There was no pressure, somehow.
I think I have come to the understanding that I need protocol and procedure when it comes to sex outside of my relationships. In swinging there was just not enough of that for me. In BDSM I fall back on the "rules" a lot and I feel safe with that. I need control and I have none in a more casual and sport sex environment. I lose control very easily because of the bullshit that was my past, and don't feel that I have integrity or beauty somehow. So I don't go there and am happy with that. *Meh* It's all good.
I really want to get to a place where I can be completely accepting of everything. I am working hard at it. I think I have made progress by imagining everyone I know having sex with one another. I push myself to think of scenarios in order to normalize it all. HAHAHA It sounds funny, but it's working for me. I imagine that all kinds of sex parties are happening and then when I hear something come up, I am unfazed. It is working well!
PN was disturbed by it all, and just brushes it all aside. I wish I could do that. It bothers me that I don't understand what is disturbing and don't understand why it's fun and worth pursuing. Is it the comradeship? I felt that with PN when we went out swinging. Am I just too independent to get that?
Anyone have any idea why some find it disturbing? Is it that fact that people are made vulnerable, like someone walking into the bathroom when you are peeing and you didn't expect them? No, that isn't it. *sigh* Maybe I'm just too much on the queer side or poly side.
I give up. Off to kiss my Mono man before climbing into bed with PN. That's what it's all about, the expansion of love and a whole lot of fucking to go with it.
That's all I understand in this moment and all I will think about until tomorrow.