Married and in love with 2

Ouch

Ask for what you want. If you want to be able to hang with this guy and it not be sexual then what do you have to lose asking for that? My bet is that you DO want more and that you think you can't have it.

Ok, yes. Maybe. I'm not sure. When I'm in his arms (much of our friendship has taken place on the dance floor) there are parts of me screaming for more of his touch. And yet, as I wrote before, I am happy to have this role apart from all the various women he has loved, the long time friend he hasn't ever slept with. He is an artist and made me this beautiful object, something he doesn't make for sale, something he has made only for the most special women in his life. I'm the only one he's ever made one for who was not a lover. (My husband knows this too.) I feel pretty certain that if I were not in another relationship, I would probably still not choose to have sex with him. At the same time, that very choice creates an electrifying sexual tension between us, it seems. I have told my husband that the way my friend looks at me and talks to me makes me feel sexy, and that it makes me more excited to be with my husband. He said that was good. Maybe my ideal would be to be able to enjoy lighter forms of physical intimacy with him, kissing and cuddling and verbalizing fantasies... My fear in asking for my husband's blessing in this is that he would say no (and I'm already telling myself no to it as it is), but that he would then feel uncomfortable with the two of us spending time together. I'd rather just deny myself those tidbits of pleasure in order to keep the love, the friendship.

First of all you say this man is saying sexy fantasies in your ear, now you are saying it won't be sexual; then you say you had a good talk with your husband and started to be honest and now you have decided to keep him in the dark.
I can't say it won't be sexual. I do say we won't have sex. (Or touch each other sexually, or meet in secret, etc.) We have never had that intention, as he really likes my husband and knows my marriage makes me happy. When I talked to my husband the other night I assured him I would divert all the outside sexual energy (from loving anyone else) back towards him, and not have sex with others. I have the kind of imagination, though, that makes all sorts of encounters sexual to me -locking eyes with dance partners, especially, or even just watching a handful of repairmen at work in my house. There will always be sexual energy between us.

Is everybody concerned because I didn't tell my husband that I am in love with this man, or that I didn't tell him about the kissing and dirty talk? Or both? I truly don't think my husband cares to know whether or not I am in love and with whom. He is happy to know I am quite in love with him, and he knows he can ask about the rest if he ever wants to know. Does this mean I am not committed to honesty? Shall I say, "By the way, do you want to know if I am in love with anyone else these days, and who? You haven't asked." I can just imagine his answer: "Only if you feel like you need to tell me." I'll ask, if the consensus here is that I'm not being honest otherwise. He has treated this like my private matter, and as far as our day to day life is unaffected by it, I think it really is. But I would tell him if he wanted to know.

Confessing to the kisses, etc. is something I recognize I should do, and as I said, I'm working towards it. It will likely be weeks or months before I see my friend again, and I think I will be able have that conversation before then. I don't know how my friend will feel about me kissing and telling, though... and I think he should know my intention to bring it up, right?

He's not a dangerous man. He could probably have seduced me by now if he'd decided to try, but he respects the boundaries I've given him in times of better self control. He hasn't asked a thing from me. When something this big builds up for so long, and you throw us together at 2am in the midst of a sleep deprived week of a festival situation where we've been dancing (with each other and others) for hours night after night, and we still keep our clothes on at the end of each night, isn't that saying something? Now that I feel able to love him openly without guilt, I feel like resisting sex will get easier. There's an outlet for the tension now.

As for the girlfriend... I expect they are coming to an end of their relationship, and he seems to be just waiting for some little thing that will make her call the whole thing off. Bringing up his interest in another woman would certainly do the trick. I leave that to him to decide. Last year he started talking to me really regularly (email) all about how he felt about their relationship, and I tried to be an unbiased listener. I think because he had someone to spill to, he ended up realizing how he really felt and they broke up for a few months. (Ironically, our first fight came when I was sticking up for her point of view and arguing that he give her another chance.) Now he's talking to me about it again, and this time far more cynical about their chances of a future, and I worried that I was sort of enabling a break up by letting him vent, and told him so. He didn't think that was the case. Anyway, they are in a fragile spot and I'd rather stay out of the way. If they decide to stay together, then we can talk about how I do or don't fit into that. Meanwhile our phone calls and emails are not sexual in nature.

Again, I'm not perfect, but striving in the right direction. Bear with me, please.
 
Thank you redpepper. Your kindness brings tears to my eyes.

I just emailed my friend to request a time to talk about coming clean with my husband. The ball is rolling... slowly...
 
I want to preface my remarks by saying that I applaud you for preparing to talk with your husband. It's difficult and I respect the bravery that you must find in order to do so. I think you will find that your complete honesty will be such a relief to you, even if the consequences may be difficult.

Just because he hasn't asked and doesn't seem to want to know doesn't mean he doesn't need to know. The difference is very important, especially if you are hiding something hurtful from him. Besides, the fact that you believe that your husband would be unhappy if he knew about your actions is the real indication that you're not being truthful and honest with him.

I wish you a lot of luck.
 
I want to preface my remarks by saying that I applaud you for preparing to talk with your husband. It's difficult and I respect the bravery that you must find in order to do so. I think you will find that your complete honesty will be such a relief to you, even if the consequences may be difficult.

Just because he hasn't asked and doesn't seem to want to know doesn't mean he doesn't need to know. The difference is very important, especially if you are hiding something hurtful from him. Besides, the fact that you believe that your husband would be unhappy if he knew about your actions is the real indication that you're not being truthful and honest with him.

I wish you a lot of luck.

Agreed former, I would also like to add that one of my big lessons learned in poly is to never assume or expect anything, checking is always better. If I want something to happen or need help, I never expect my partners to know; why should they, they can't read my mind; I ask. The same with assumptions; I don't assume that my partner is not interested, doesn't care or knows what is going on; I make sure they know and check. With poly, everything has to be spoken, there should never be anything left to assume or expect, that way all cards are on the table and everyone is on the same page all the time. It means that there is no catching people up, no surprises, everyone has had a chance to figure out what is going on for them in light of a situation and everyone is on board.
 
Well, ok. I will ask my husband if he wants to know who I've fallen for, but if he says no, isn't it ok to respect that?

Meanwhile, my friend is on board with opening up about what happened between us (the kisses, etc.) and says he will "adjust to whatever needs to happen" with how we can relate to each other in the future. We will talk it over together first, in a couple of days.

Geez, you guys are inspiring me with all sorts of bravery. I trust my marriage will come out fine, but I do worry about what will happen with my dear friend. Plus there's that remote hopeful possibility that my husband would be fine with a certain amount of intimacy there, but it still wouldn't be able to happen if my friend continues with his girlfriend. (What if that influenced his decisions about their relationship? Yikes, I'd hate that!)

The last 2 days since bringing up polyamory with my husband have sure been spicy between us. He has been requesting and offering all sorts of lovely things in bed! And elsewhere!
 
Sorry for the length of this post

Ok, we've had the talk. I expected some sort of big sense of relief and peace, but I don't feel that at all. It feels like there is now an enormous amount of work to do. I don't mean about restoring trust or clearing up misconceptions. More about figuring each other out.

The conversation did not go at all where I thought it would. He did not express jealousy, anger, suspicion, hurt, etc. He felt only concern, for propriety, for our family, for my life's aspirations (which was so odd I am going to explain below). He did not want me to tell him who I love, but I started talking anyway (about my feelings for my friend, etc.) and eventually said I'm sure he knew who it was. He did.

He agreed it was right that I told him, but he still didn't want to know. He doesn't like that it will feel awkward for him now, being around my friend. I asked him to clarify the boundaries -that I can love someone and do nothing, or at the other extreme (which I wouldn't want) have sex or run off with them, but somewhere in the middle of that range is a place we can feel comfortable. He really. did. not. want to talk about that. I offered that I wouldn't have sex and wouldn't share personal secrets about him or us. He added "or our kids" but since my friend is one of my best sources of parenting advice, having raised a daughter who was challenging in all the same ways as my oldest, I asked for specifics there, and he couldn't really think of anything about our kids I couldn't share. He said no picking up diseases, but that kind of went back to no sex.

He said "nothing physical" and I said dancing is physical, holding hands is physical, so how about no sexual touch. Later I asked him about kissing and he said, "I don't want to answer that." I know I should always ask and not assume, but I couldn't get a straight answer, and what I assume is this: he does not want to say yes, because he doesn't feel it is appropriate to allow his wife to kiss another man. He does not want to say no, because he doesn't think his objections outweigh my happiness. Well, the closest we came to settling the whole question is that yes, I can still see my friend, and no, we won't have sexual touch (I told him the sexual energy is not something that will go away at will), and the grey area between is a matter of my discretion, but he really doesn't want to be informed. By that I mean he said explicitly that he does not want to be told what goes on. I also asked that he let me know his emotions that might come up in the future.

What surprised me the most was that the only part of the conversation that had me alternating between tears and anger, was when he brought in "aspirations." I was asking some question to do with sexual energy, and he comes back with "There is more to life than this," and clarifies with some comment about my having been high school valedictorian and is this what I want to be doing with my energy? Loving, developing relationships? And it turns out that he (very highly compensated, well respected achiever in a big corporate environment) does not feel like he has made his mark in the world, and he can't understand why I am not similarly driven to DO something with myself, and not sit back enjoying life as I do. This infuriates me, because I have spent the last 8.5 years pregnant (twice), breastfeeding (6 yrs total) and raising our two young daughters full time, and at the same time, earned my master's degree and started a private school 6 years ago that has continued to grow. I direct it singlehandedly, from the marketing to the payroll -I even do my own corporate taxes. This is me, having no aspirations.

So his whole big concern with me having another man to love is that I will put emotional energy into that relationship, and it will keep me from achieving anything important. What kills me is that I think happy human relationships are what's important. I think life is about finding your happiness, in a way that helps others be happy too. He thinks more on the level of Nobel prizes, or inventing Google. I think he will never be satisfied with himself, and now I question whether he will always be disappointed in me. I love my husband immensely, but I just can't get my mind around this drive, and the way he can dismiss human interaction as a distraction from greater purpose.

Anyway, I guess I'm relieved that everything is out in the open now (and I called my friend to catch him up on it all too), but I feel sad that we have such an enormous difference in priorities. I feel like we are successful in every sense of the word: we are in love, we have 2 gifted children, we have more money than we know what to do with, we have our health, we are respected in our careers, we have friends and neighbors who like us, and our berry bushes are producing like crazy. I am happy with my life. He feels like a disappointment to his parents (one of whom is dead, so how can we argue with that?). And now he has a wife who is wasting her potential on silly things like love.

Is it no wonder I like to spend hours talking with my friend? He seems to come from the same planet I do.

Thanks again for encouraging me to bring this out in the open. I guess the journey has finally begun.
 
Thanks for sharing this. You've made yourself vulnerable which is usually not easy and certainly is always a gift for others. Good luck with your journey :)
 
He agreed it was right that I told him, but he still didn't want to know.

I can relate to this. Ignorance was bliss, but at the same time, I am glad I found out. Yes, it seems divergent thinking. Not sure how that helps you exactly except I guess to know that your husband isn't the only human being to ever feel this way.

Anyway... your initial post was ONE week ago. Talk about a whirlwind, huh? I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster you've ridden the last week.
Here's my suggestion (emphasis on 'my' and 'suggestion')... take a breath. Several breaths. Let everyone sit with the info they have and talk about it if/when they find it necessary up to the point they/you are comfortable. If a bit of time goes by and you feel nobody seems to be addressing the matter at hand (esp. dh), then maybe try to encourage some dialogue there.

-DW
 
So his whole big concern with me having another man to love is that I will put emotional energy into that relationship, and it will keep me from achieving anything important.

That may be an unusual concern, or one that you don't sympathise with, but if it's something that's important to him (and it sounds like it is), and your relationship with him is important, then you should try to ameliorate that concern. You can do that by asking what he'd like to see you achieve and tell him what you'd like to achieve, and then making progress to whatever goals you end up with, while still maintaining any relationships you happen to be in.
 
One week, is that all? I guess things have moved really fast! I think it's for the best that my friend lives 2 hrs away and we aren't likely to see him for a while. Both men are nervous about seeing each other again, but I think enough time to get used to things will be a help.

My husband and I are still talking about it, a little at a time. He wanted to know a little more about what I meant by loving this man, so I described my feelings more and he said, "Well, that's ok." He asked what it meant long term -would I be taking care of my friend when he's old? (He's 65 now.) I assured him there are no expectations. The man has 4 kids for all that, and still wants to find another wife. I just want to be able to be with him from time to time, and talk to him in between. He asks nothing of me except continued honesty.

Such a whirlwind -last night I got a call from the wife of my husband's brother, full of anger over marital problems there, hoping we can intervene before she gives up and walks out. My poor husband just wants a peaceful life where we're all happy. No more drama!
 
That may be an unusual concern, or one that you don't sympathise with, but if it's something that's important to him (and it sounds like it is), and your relationship with him is important, then you should try to ameliorate that concern.
Oh, I definitely agree. We are talking more about this too, and it tends to always come back to his own dissatisfaction with his own achievements. When I tell him how much I think I've achieved, and how everyone else always tells me I'm accomplishing so much, he will agree. I don't know if he believes it. He doesn't have specific goals for me, so much as he wants me to have my own. I can't even figure out what mine are, besides growing my business, raising my kids (and did I mention we just completed a 2 yr home remodel?). I'm just too busy being a mama. Somehow he imagines I am devoting hours to my friendships and this other love. Just writing this I've been interrupted at least 10 times by my children -not an environment conducive to deep thought! Anyway, I'm trying to understand this better too.
 
Keep at it AC, you're doing great. It has only been a short time and you have come a long way in that time! Both you and your husband. I commend him for the open mind he has had.
Realize that many of us have been on this same journey. Myself included. It takes time and patience and continued communciation with as much honesty as you can muster. You are doing all of that! Good for you! Your husband will come around to some of your thoughts. Remember he has only just learned of this and needs to catch up.

I have found that there is nothing like poly to make me face things in my relationship life. It brings up all kinds of things I had no idea were going on for me or my partners. The topic of where you should be putting your efforts in life is one of them for you it seems.

I'm sure you have expressed to him all you have said here, but part of what his concern was was about him. Now you you have something more to share with each other that you might not of known if it weren't for this journey. You get to hold his hand and be there for him on his journey of discovering what he can do to be more confident as he can be for you on your journey. Because you decided to tell him you are now journeying together. A far more connected and rewarding way than cheating. It shows courage and respect to do that. I am full of admiresyupb.

Isn't this what relationships such as marriage are about? Doesn't it feel great to be able to give something back to him for his giving to you by even considering your spending time with this other man? This is what its all about to me anyway! I am a rock for my partners as much as I can be, because they give to me in return. This is what makes it work. We look for what we can give and allow ourselves to receive. At least this is the aim of it all and what makes it worth it!
 
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