An Embarassing Insecurity

Tesseract

New member
New guy over here, trying to figure out how to be entirely comfortable with the parameters and conditions of this brave new world that I find myself in these days. And I could use some advice, or at least an outside opinion. So as much as I detest being such a cliche, well, here goes...

I am having a hard time feeling secure that I 'measure up' to my wife's boyfriend. Yeah, like that. And this is really making me doubt myself, and my ability to please her. I'm pretty capable of pleasing my lady fair - I'm confident that's not an issue, hooray for inventiveness and a genuine interest in knowing what she likes and being able to deliver ;)- but she has a definite enthusiasm for his tool of the trade that she doesn't have for mine. And while I'm telling myself the basics - this isn't a competition, she still has a great time with me, there's mutual interest, etc - it's not sinking in emotionally, and I'm struggling to become comfortable with myself in this arena again. So at the risk of being derided as perhaps a tad juvenile here, I'm soliciting advice or feedback.

~T.
 
but she has a definite enthusiasm for his tool of the trade that she doesn't have for mine.
~T.

I'm the last member that they would recommend for giving advice about insecurities, regardless here's what I have to say about this issue.

I'd be happy that she expresses her enthusiasm rather than hide it. <---- That would be really important to me. I'd also enjoy every second of watching them have sex, if I were allowed to watch. I'd live vicariously through him, in a way, and enjoy seeing how she responded to feeling more "filled up". This is one the instances where I can experience compersion, yet I feel insecure when she is captivated by her other boyfriend's words and sense of humor. Ah, the irony.

My girlfriend's other boyfriend (and not her husband) has a large penis. She knows that I know that he is well endowed. She says that sex with him is great. She hasn't shown any enthusiasm for his penis, but I wish that she would be expressive about it to me. I have seen her comment enthusiastically about big penises when it has been about other people. She knows that I have a strong desire to watch them have sex. She wants for me to watch also, but he has been reluctant. I have always had a fantasy of watching a woman that I love have sex with a lover that was very well endowed. Now, the elements of this fantasy are around me, but I haven't been able to experience it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd want to watch. I'd also remember that there are many ways to have satisfying sex, and many of those ways do not include a big penis. I really do have to remember this myself. So, I pleasure her the best that I can with my penis. I also try to be very romantic on some nights. Now, I'm trying to be more raw and urgent, because that is where our sexual play is heading. I rely on being creative.

I can't give her an orgasm with my fingers or my tongue. She has to rub herself to orgasm with me. It sounds like you are able to bring your wife to orgasm with your own body in some way. Be happy about that.

I'm in the same situation as you are, but my perspective of the situation is different.
 
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Just because she's enthusiastic about his penis doesn't mean that he knows how to please her in other ways.

To me sex is about SO much more than PIV sex! It's about two people who love each other, care about each other, spending some time bonding in ways that are specifically unique to them! It means the chances of my doing things which I do NOT enjoy are in the negatives since this other person can fulfill that need for him. It means personal time for me to recharge my batteries or get some things done while he's away that he doesn't enjoy or which take time away from him when he's home.

When my boyfriend does have sex with another it is their special bonding time (not that they don't bond in other ways as well). I do still have issues (and they ARE my issues, not his or anyone else's) with his being with someone else in a sexual way. I just have to remember that it is ME he chooses to come home to each and every time it happens!
 
Hi Tesseract,
What Breathesgirl said.

Also you wife may be having some New Relationship Energy (NRE) which puts a glow around their new love. When your love is in NRE, it is easy to feel insecure in general.

There is NOTHING juvenile in your feelings. You feel what you feel. The only thing you can control is how you behave. One thing you might try doing is spend more time with the boy friend. As you get to know him, he becomes more human and less a djinni of terrible prowess and wonder.

You may also want to look thru some back posts here on insecurities.

Good luck! Warm regards, Rick.
 
Nre. A wonderful thing !!! It gives us good feelings all around. Breathless anticipation, the little unexpected things.

NRE a terrible thing sometimes too. We get so wrapped up IN those feelings because they feel soooooo good that we sometimes neglect the sure thing in favour of the new & shiny.

COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!!!!

Tell her how you feel but don't do it accusingly. Instead say something like "when you do x I am feeling this way". Velieve me, this helps to diffuse a potentially loaded conversation BEFORE it becomes loaded.
 
Nobody should be deriding you for anything, man. You're gutsy for coming out with your worries.

If you guys are doing separate things -- that is, not a threesome and not her-and-him with you watching -- then it might be considerate for her to keep the details to herself. That depends on how your whole poly experience is structured, I suppose.

I'm the boyfriend of a married poly woman. Theirs is a fairly conservative and structured relationship, and direct descriptions of sex with other partners or the sexual equipment of others is not a topic of conversation. Given the consciousness and awareness of this couple, I suspect that's intentionally done in order to avoid comparisons and the possible envy, resentment, and then outright jealousy that can sometimes follow from that.

I dunno...it may be an opportunity for you and your wife to deepen your awareness and understanding. Love and closeness does not mean that you automatically share every single thought and recount every experience. It does mean that you care for and nurture the relationship. It may be that each of you thinks carefully about what's important to share and what's not. Descriptions of her boyfriends tool may simply be something she keeps to herself?

I'm average-sized. It is what it is, obviously. (Miracle-gro does nothing but make it itch... :rolleyes: ) But my lady love is so very good at caring for our relationship that I feel secure. And I try very hard to reciprocate.

I recall early in our relationship she would very gently test my perceptions by mentioning her other men. When she found that I didn't clench up emotionally she talked more openly about them, but she's never mentioned any sexual specifics about anyone. Except herself... :)

But man, all this can be as varied as the spectrum of human behavior...and that's a LOT of possibilities! As the post from Vexxed implies, some take a completely different approach! There is no one answer.

-------

Yeah, NRE -- in our relationship we call it "twinkle-dust". All that sweet, tender excitement is hard not to rave about. Again, awareness is key: she ought to know what is happening, and that it happens with any good new relationship, and that it doesn't stay in the race the way a meaningful, deep love does. It's good to notice it and chuckle about it -- "Boy, I sure have got twinkle-dust all over me right now."
 
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My bf has..... a larger package than my husband.
I have expressed my deep enjoyment of the experience of that inside of me....

But that could NEVER replace what my husband can do for me.

I know-it's VERY hard to believe, when you feel like you are on the "negative" side of an equation. But the truth is an equation is equal on both sides, usually both sides are VERY DIFFERENT, but they are EQUAL or they wouldn't be an equation.

It's all well and good to note what your metamours do that your significant other enjoys. HOWEVER-it is JUST as important to note your OWN attributes that your significant other enjoys.

I know for me, I LOVE... crazy fast, hard sex. BUT-I am NOT able to do that with the bf, because his package is too much for that. We can have slow, romantic, loving sex, but there are DEFINITE limits beyond that.
However-with my husband, I can do both! AH the joys!!!

Ultimately it comes down to you-you need to understand that MEN identify their manhood through the size of their package, but WOMEN do NOT identify manhood in their men, through the size of those mens packages.

As GS asked another poster, what are YOUR positive qualities? Start focusing on them!!!!! If you REALLY put your mind to the matter in doing that, you will find that there are things that she loves about you that are just as important if not MORE important to her than the size of your tool........
;)
 
I am one of those guys that thinks about the difference in penis size..but what I find interesting is that we don't see women come on here worried about the size of thier vaginas :eek: There are differences but women aren't near as hung up on it as some of us guys it seems.
 
I just realized something...if you're big enough you wouldn't notice the difference in vagina size...aww crap! Nobody say a word! :mad:
 
I am one of those guys that thinks about the difference in penis size..but what I find interesting is that we don't see women come on here worried about the size of thier vaginas :eek: There are differences but women aren't near as hung up on it as some of us guys it seems.

I think that is because women don't have a daily reminder of the size of our vaginas like a man does his penis. Heck it's easier for a male to measure their parts than a female, unless the female really wants to stick a ruler up there...anyone know of a round dildo shaped ruler?
 
i think that is because women don't have a daily reminder of the size of our vaginas like a man does his penis. Heck it's easier for a male to measure their parts than a female, unless the female really wants to stick a ruler up there...anyone know of a round dildo shaped ruler?

haha!!!!
 
http://sugarbank.com/2007/03/06/the-inch-perfect-vibrator/

You asked, I have seen this before as a sort of gag gift :)

As for the conversation, I 100% empathize. No matter how often my partners say they love my package, I still feel inadequate. I have never once had a complaint, just social standards for large sizes is a lot of pressure. Especially when you are 6'5 and have size 15 feet. seriously there is always the concern they will be disappointed.
 
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I prefer a small penis when it comes to giving a blow job because I can get the whole thing inside. Maybe my mouth is too short. Should I be insecure about that? What if my husband finds a woman who can fit his whole dick inside her mouth? Will he compare me to her? Will he love me less?

I was ok before I started worrying about this, now I just don't know if I am good enough.
 
Ultimately it comes down to you-you need to understand that MEN identify their manhood through the size of their package, but WOMEN do NOT identify manhood in their men, through the size of those mens packages.

not to be a dick (pardon the pun) but this isn't 100% true. I do know women who outright refuse to have sex with men with average penises. Luckily they advertise this need for a giant baby arm ahead of time so most men are scared off. But these girls do exist. Maybe I have the misfortune of continuing to meet them.

I really wish I could find the reference, a long time ago I found an odd reference for penis to vagina size matches. Pretty funny animal references. Spoke too soon, found it.

The Kama Sutra describes these various types as such:
  • The Hare Man is a lively individual with a slight body type and a gentle manner. His lingam is considered to be of the small variety and measures about six finger widths in length, which is equivalent to about 4 inches.
  • The Bull Man has a sturdy body and holds himself with esteem. He is considered of a medium size and his temperament is hearty and energetic. When erect, he measures about eight finger widths, or 51/2 inches.
  • The Stallion, or Horse Man, is the largest of the three. He is said to be tall and muscular and has a sense of adventurism and daring. He measures twelve finger widths, which equals about 8 inches.
  • The Deer Woman is the smallest of the types of women. She’s of slight build, is gentle, and it is said that her secretions smell like a new lotus blossom opening. Her yoni is narrow and not very deep, thus she is best pared with the Hare Man.
  • The Mare Woman has a medium-size yoni. She is said to be sturdy in body, and conducts life with a flare. Her personality is positive and sensuous. She is best suited to partner with a Bull Man, and her vulva area is full and generous.
  • The Elephant Woman is large boned and often has a taller-than-average body. She is affable and agreeable and can have a rather ruddy complexion. She is best partnered with a Stallion Man as he can bring her deep yoni the most pleasure.
 
I prefer a small penis when it comes to giving a blow job because I can get the whole thing inside. Maybe my mouth is too short. Should I be insecure about that? What if my husband finds a woman who can fit his whole dick inside her mouth? Will he compare me to her? Will he love me less?

I was ok before I started worrying about this, now I just don't know if I am good enough.

ouch way to turn that around on us. Do you know my ex ;) :) She did this to my insecurities all the time haha...
 
I do know women who outright refuse to have sex with men with average penises. Luckily they advertise this need for a giant baby arm ahead of time so most men are scared off. But these girls do exist. Maybe I have the misfortune of continuing to meet them.

Any sex-instruction literature that says that "most women cannot tell the difference between penises of different sizes" was either:

A) written by a man with a very large penis

or

B) written by a woman who has had only one male sex partner

But as I indicated in my last post (which was only half-sarcastic), there are different uses for small penises versus large ones.
 
My bf has..... a larger package than my husband.
I have expressed my deep enjoyment of the experience of that inside of me....
I sure wish my girlfriend would be open and share that information with me! (I'm somewhat bi, and I like large penises too) Her silence about his big cock is tougher to deal with. All I know is that it is big.

It's all well and good to note what your metamours do that your significant other enjoys. HOWEVER-it is JUST as important to note your OWN attributes that your significant other enjoys.
Wise words here. I'm so trying to do this myself.

As for vaginas, I do have a preference. I don't like small vaginas. Large vaginas are more fun for me to play with. I like playing with toys of a variety of shapes and sizes, and I love using my fingers. The more the merrier. I find large labia to be more visually appealing also. For me, a vagina feels good if it touches the sides of my penis. I don't desire a tight small one.
 
Comments Appreciated

Well, let me say 'thanks!' for the warm reception - it's much appreciated, and certainly well-received.

Vexxed - Definitely glad that she is open and expressive. This is our first foray into the poly world, and so far the single best result has been the remarkable increase in our communication. Really having to make sure the lines of communication are open, and that we're able to talk has been integral in making things work.

Breathesgirl, RickPlus - Good points, and thoughtful comments. This is the first time dealing with the NRE phenomenon, and I have been finding that with time and a chance to deal with my own thoughts and feelings that I have been a lot more secure in the closeness and strength of our bond. I guess it's a matter of internalizing what's been great growth in a lot of other areas, until this stops bothering me so much.

LovingRadiance - Thanks for sharing your viewpoint. I guess I just need to work on remembering the strong points and not let the insecurity bog me down so much, eh? I guess this is one of those things that will just fade over time with continued communication and a focus on the joy we find in our own intimate times together. Which, after all, it's not like they've gotten any less good, which is something that I should really keep in mind, I suppose!

To anyone who I didn't mention - thanks to you too, :)

~T.
 
Very interesting viewpoints here...

One of my boyfriends is also concerned that his package doesn't please me, because he knows the other boyfriend is very well endowed. I keep trying to reassure him that he pleases me in ways that are different but just as pleasing.
 
A Deep Subject

Here's a long reply. I hope that most of you will find it entertaining at the very least, but I would like to open peoples minds to other perspectives.

I would like to point out that I really appreciate the the ladies have been honest and admitted that different size penises do feel different.

I also want to point out that many of us males would rather be the one to provide our ladies with the more intense penetration experience, rather than be appreciated for other sexual attributes or qualities. This feeling is very deep rooted, and I would say that it is almost primal.

Being able to receive oral sex more frequently in no way makes up for not being able to deliver more pressure during penetration. It doesn't for me. My penis is just slightly on the generous side of average, and my partners do not take it completely into their mouth, and I do not feel shorted by that. Also, I would not be impressed if a woman did. In fact, I would see it as evidence that my penis is smaller that I'd like for it to be, and it would have an overall negative impact on me. I have never been enthusiastic about receiving oral for that very reason. I've always wished that my penis were so thick that women would prefer not to give me oral sex. That would be an amazingly easy trade off for me.

As it is now, I don't reach orgasm during oral sex unless her bottom is in my face while doing 69. Then, her bottom being in my face turns me on, and overrides my lack of interest in receiving oral sex.

Regardless of how I feel about my penis, it turns me on to know that she has a well endowed lover, and that she likes the size of his penis. I guess that I live vicariously through well endowed guys, and that is OK with me. It has given me some very powerful fantasies, and some very intense orgasms. I've felt like I was buzzing. I saw stars while dreaming of such fantasies, or while reading forum replies (on other forums) from women that appreciate feeling "filled up".

One other thing that is behind my opinion of size is that I'm bi. I only enjoy receiving with males, and not giving. I've noticed a difference in the way penetration feels with different size penises. Thicker penises put more pressure on the prostate (or front wall of the vagina), and on the sensitive nerves at the opening (of either orifice). So, I have had first hand experience myself.

What do I do to be at peace while having sex with my girlfriend? I rely on being creative and romantic. Not necessarily at the same time either. I have realized that being "fun" goes a long. I have long had being "romantic" down pact. Now, I'm exploring being fun. At this point, my partner and I are just beginning to explore raw sex, meaning sex just for the sake of it, as if we are animals :). Since we had been making love so much, this change up will make sex more fun. I'm also going to be more spontaneous, and even slightly more dominant. All with her positive approval.

I also use bigger dildos with her sometimes. That satisfies my primal urge to be the one filling her up. Also, she enjoys the slight stretching sensation. An added benefit of playing with larger dildos is that I've learned that 90% of women have vaginas that are 7" deep or less, when very aroused. So, I'm less intimidated by my partners vagina. Knowledge can really be power. I realize that I'm actually not far from filling it up to her limit with my own penis, even though I can't feel the end of her vagina with the tip of my penis. Doing those things may seem like strange fixes to some of you, but they keep me happy and functioning well, when it comes to sex with my partner. I struggle with insecurities about being boring when my girlfriend and I are not being physically intimate. That's what trips me up, but I have my own thread about that.

* Here's some information that may help some guys. The noted gynecologist Robert Latou Dickinson found the average maximum aroused AND stretched depth of the vagina to be 6". That measurement included the depth of the vulva. We can't feel the end of the vagina with 6" penises because some of the penis length is lost between the two bodies, depending on the position. Also, I believe that we press into the end of the vagina, yet we do not feel like we are actually venturing near the end. It is called the posterior fornix. Further, thickness makes more of a difference than length, for most people that enjoy being penetrated by a penis.

** Someone mentioned earlier that vaginas can't be measured easily. I disagree. All you need is a safe, clean, rigid phallic-like object, and a method of marking the spot that the edge of her labia will reach. Then, you measure the object later. I used a glass/pyrex dildo. At her absolute max, she took it to the flare on the base. So, the mark was already there. I measured it that night from the flare to the tip. It was 7". It didn't bend or squish down, and therefore gave a more accurate measurement. If you use a cucumber, you can make a mark with your fingernail right at the edge of her labia, when the cucumber is in as deep as possible. You will be suprised, only a minority of women are 8" +.

I know that what I've written will produce a variety of reactions. I'm prepared for it :D.
 
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