For the board.
I am a control freak by nature. I am very "dominating" in day to day life.
For example, I structure the finances (for the WHOLE family including bf) and pay ALL of the bills. I do the grocery shopping generally.
I take care of the kids, decide their rules, their consequences, their health issues, their educational needs, I homeschool them, I pick the curriculum etc.
I plan the family activities and when/where we go on vacation and all that stuff-though obviously the guys "chime in" it's generally up to me to do the arranging.
I am also big on feminism and equality-those speak clear enough for the most part. I wear what the hell I want, when the hell I want and I work when I want, where I want, how I want. I decide how my hair will be (couple years ago I went from having it all the way down my back to less than 1 inch long, now it's growing out again) and bathe when I see fit with whatever I see fit ETC.
That said...
I hate it.
I hate having to ALWAYS be responsible for EVERY detail in life.
During sex it's VERY difficult for me to finish if I have to be in control. I have to be able to relax and give up control in order to get there, BUT that's something I've really never had enough trust to do in most relationships.
There are other examples, but I won't elaborate unless there is still confusion on that part of it.
Anyway-a couple weeks ago I expressed to Maca (and GG) that it is my desire that they BE (not play) dom to my sub so that I CAN have time in my life where I don't have to be "in charge" or "on the job" so to speak.
SO for example-instead of expecting me to decide if today is a day to wear the black leather or the lacy white lingerie.... JUST give me instructions.
Emotionally for me this is a HUGE step in trust. Letting ANYONE much less a man be in charge of deciding anything for me is HUGE HUGE HUGE. Way more intense and intimidating and causing me to be way more vulnerable than them screwing someone else OR falling in love with someone else.
But-much of the understandings people have of BDSM don't factor in.
Physical violence isn't part of the agreement. It gives some people pleasure-the three of us-aren't those people.
Punishment as commonly understood also doesn't factor in. More of a understanding that there is no "misbehavior" option. Period.
What does factor in is more similar in context to "master slave" relationships in that there is this huge EMOTIONAL sense of control that is unspoken.
BUT-none of this is yet "clearly hammered out" because I only let them in on this whole topic recently. PLUS there was some drama with immature and uncontrolled "ooooh I get to be boss" behavior followed by "this is f'ing stupid" behavior that led to a complete emotional breakdown by me resulting in a huge clean up following.
THEN as anyone who reads the board can see there's been a SHITSTORM of other stuff piling up too.
Now to have it suggested that someone else could be in that role left me spinning.
Basically what I've come up with at this point is that I really don't care about the physical activities commonly pertinent to bdsm and the guys (one or the other) playing in those roles with someone else.
Be dominating over someone else to your pleasure-I don't care.
But I'm not ok with them HAVING another sub.....
does that differentiation make sense?
A friend of mine is a natural sub too-and she's pretty much responsive to ANYONE who is dominant around/to her. But she doesn't HAVE a dom... if for example she and Maca wanted to play out D/s things with or without sex-that's ok, but he can't take her on as HIS sub...
Ok-now I'm getting interrupted and confused. I'll try to catch up on reading, deal with someone coming over in a few minutes and try to get back on and say something else if I can be more clearheaded!!!!!!