Redpepper's journey

I honestly didn't read any of it as negative yesterday. You help me to think about why I want to do things (or why I might not want to). Plus we all have bad days where we just feel like grouching. :D
 
I honestly didn't read any of it as negative yesterday. You help me to think about why I want to do things (or why I might not want to). Plus we all have bad days where we just feel like grouching. :D
It was more the other stuff I said via message that I felt bad about. I can be so sarcastic sometimes. I know it doesn't come across as joking, even if I say it is. It's usually my attempt to lighten the mood in MY life, but sometimes it comes across as condescending and doesn't respect the reader's process and feelings. That's not my intent, but that's how it comes across. I'm glad you know me well enough to know that. But it still doesn't make it okay. I need to find ways to lighten the mood in my life without being sarcastic online. Still working on that and am aware of it.
 
I got a text from Leo to tell me he had a good meeting. He'd cancelled our date tonight to go to it. He was drunk and walking home, as he couldn't drive. Its about 15 kms to his house so I went and got him and took him home. It was nice to do that and feel like I could participate in his life in some way. It made me feel needed. I am also taking his girl out on Sunday afternoon with my boy. They are the same age and friends (as we all camp together). I am looking forward to that too.

I went to see a movie tonight with PN, the same one I went to last week with Mono. What could I do? They wanted to see the same movie *shrug* He really enjoyed it and so did I. We all like the same movies in this house. It rocks! PN was happy as he feel asleep. Good movie, good chat and good sex.

I cut the bad parts out. ;) That's better! :D
 
This situation with Mono and me is similar to that of my marriage to my ex-wife. We were in a similar situation at the end of our relationship, in that she is mono and I am poly and we struggled to see how that could work for us, being together.

Mono is worried and fearful that he is hurting me and putting this boundary issue on me. He isn't. I am choosing it. He doesn't trust that I am healthy in this, and that I won't make a decision because I don't want to hurt him.

That is so not the case. I have chosen this and I will until there is evidence that it is not the right choice. My ex and I were obviously on a different path. Mono and I have just begun our path together. It is not the case that we are going in differing directions. Therefore, I pick him. That doesn't mean I don't hurt and don't push a bit. I need to know, every now and then, where I am, because I forget. :eek:

On being selfish-- it can be thought (I had a PM to the effect) that I am being selfish, with needing to have a husband, a girlfriend, and a boyfriend and still need more. This is a very mono way of looking at my situation. I have heard that before from some mono people.

All I ask is that my relationships expand into what they are naturally able to become, not to have another person like Mono or Derby in my life. I don't have time and can't give another the attention they deserve. But if I am to spend time with people at all, I would like the freedom for it to become what feels good for us. That could mean anything.

I am being asked to control that and to suck that up. Anyone who is denied the right to be themselves is going to feel as I do at some point, no? At some point, that might not be healthy or sustainable for us. Right now it is, and I will go with that, yet still question it and bring it up now and then, to be examined.

Mono and I have been talking on his blog too btw. This is the link http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1196&page=7 post #64 to #76, or more.
 
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You used my real name :eek: Now everyone knows who I am ;)
Bahaha! Caught it within seconds, as if it matters, really. What would anyone do with a real first name, anyway? It's not like there aren't others. You have a very common name.:p

It's mine that would be recognizable. Mine is strikingly ordinary, yet artsy. That's what art school does to you. ;) I should do some art with that art degree, shouldn't I? Damned forum, it takes all my time away. That and my damned partners! ;):D
 
On being selfish-- it can be thought (I had a PM to the effect) that I am being selfish in needing to have a husband, girlfriend, and boyfriend and still need more.

A lot of people have a hard time understanding that some people want to live their lives with a philosophy of intimate freedom. Usually that is because they are inclined or conditioned for monogamy, so anything else seems wrong. I understand that opinion and think it is valid in plenty of cases of what I consider "artificial polyamory," where one partner merely keeps an existing relationship going for security and comfort but doesn't actually "love" them.

I also know this is not the case, in many other cases. Some people are inherently selfish and others are inherently loving. You are an inherently loving person.

Opinions and ideas get skewed by our own thinking. For example, lots of poly people associate my boundaries are from a fear of losing you, or insecurities relating to sexuality. This opinion is understandable and logical in the community we live in, and yet completely wrong and inapplicable to how I feel. This is only a problem if I choose to engage in debates over it. I have no need to engage in debates over irrelevant ideas of why I am a certain way. This frustrates people, because they don't believe what I say. Fair enough. I just don't bother. Not everyone has to understand.

I admittedly suffer from frustration with trying to understand the need of people to take every relationship to the area of physical intimacy, or even to have that potential freedom. I don't question it though, or look for "why it is wrong." I simply accept it without understanding it, and try to give as much of myself as I can, with genuine purity. Knowing when that is healthy and when I am unhealthy, or less than genuine, is the key.

I don't ask "why" anymore. I just know how things work and accept that sometimes change happens that leads people down different paths to be healthy.

It seems to be completely appropriate to question why people have certain boundaries (do you really need those boundaries?) and challenge them to push those. But it is taboo to question why someone has certain needs and push them to challenge those (are they really needs or wants?).

The thing is, why we have boundaries is not important, unless our motivation is to remove or increase them. Nor is why we want certain freedoms, unless we are trying to expand or suppress them. The only thing important is that they both exist and we try to find a way to accommodate both in a healthy manner. Sometimes, this simply can't be achieved. Not everything is workable. But that is no reason to throw our hands in the air and surrender, because who knows what we would miss out on in the process? And the future is never certain. Things and people change. :)
 
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Every decision we make in life-- marriage, children, school, career, etc. requires change and compromise. Even when the pluses outweigh the minuses, we still find that we miss or long for the things we willingly chose to give up or compromise on.

When we get married we give up a lot of the control we once had. We lose privacy. The laundry doubles. We have to use a bathroom after someone forgot to put the seat back down. I challenge anyone to tell me they have never spent some time wondering/wishing they were single again, no matter how much they may love their spouse. Of course, eventually we realize that the sacrafice is worth all the compromises and we find some way to regain a balance.
 
You used my real name. :eek: Now everyone knows who I am. ;)

Because the picture of your face when you post here isn't a giveaway as to who you are. :p If they don't know your face, they aren't going to know who you are from your first name!
 
Every decision we make in life-- marriage, children, school, career, etc. requires change and compromise. Even when the pluses outweigh the minuses, we still find that we miss or long for the things we willingly chose to give up or compromise on.
Thanks. This makes a lot of sense and kind of defuses my mind a bit. Appreciated. :)
 
A lot of people have a hard time understanding that some people want to live their life with a philosophy of intimate freedom. Usually that is because they are inclined or conditioned for monogamy so anything else seems wrong. I understand the opinion and think it is valid in plenty of cases of what I consider artificial polyamory (where one partner merely keeps an existing relationship going for security and comfort but doesn't actually "love" them).

I also know this is not the case in many other cases. Some people are inherently selfish and others are inherently loving. You are an inherently loving person.

Opinions and ideas get skewed by our own thinking. For example, lots of poly people associate my boundaries with a fear of losing you or insecurities relating to sexuality. This opinion is understandable and logical in the community we live in..and yet completely wrong and inapplicable to how I feel. This is only a problem if I choose to engage in debates over it. I have no need to engage in debates over irrelevant ideas of why I am a certain way and this frustrates people because they don't believe what I say. Fair enough...I just don't bother, not everyone has to understand.

I admittedly suffer from this frustration in trying to understand the need of people to take every relationship to the area of physical intimacy or even to have that potential freedom. I don't question it though or look for "why it is wrong"..I simply accept it without understanding and try to give as much of myself as I can with genuine purity. Knowing when that is healthy and when I am unhealthy or less than genuine is the key.

I don't ask "why" anymore..I just know how things work and accept that sometimes change happens that leads people down different paths to be healthy.

It seems to be completely appropriate to question why people have certain boundaries (do you really need those boundaries?) and challenge them to push those.... but it is taboo to question why someone has certain needs and push them to challenge those (are they really needs or wants?).

The thing is....why we have boundaries is not important unless our motivation is to remove or increase them...nor is why we want certain freedoms unless we are trying to expand or suppress them. The only thing important is that they both exist and we try to find a way to accommodate both in a healthy manner. Sometimes, this simply can't be achieved. Not everything is workable. But that is no reason to throw our hands in the air and surrender...because who knows what we would miss out on in the process and the future is never certain...things and people change :)

Hi,

I'm new here. I read your first two paragraphs and was saying yes, that's what I'm facing, I think. The selfish staying with me, the meaning of the word love, etc. Then it turned to a more personal code. Not sure I know now. This idea of condition of monogamy, is this supported by the mental health community?

Over the weekend, I had some time to think. This pain I feel is part of a guidance system that was installed from day one so as to avoid things that are unhealthy for us. It's like sight, smell, etc. So when I hear that jealousy is part of the lower function of a person's brain I think, like taste, no one would try to desensitize themselves from salt. The use of these behavioral modifcation techinques just seems a little wrong.

I could be way off. This could be the cold talking.
 
Redpepper, here is how I would feel, as the mono in such a situation as you are facing. Note I am NOT trying to say this is how (your) mono thinks and feels, but it is definitely how I would think and feel.

Please bear with my possibly childish analogy. You will see where it is going.

Long ago, I meet my wife. She gives me her unique flower. She says: "Look after this flower. It is unique and special. I am giving it to you because you are special."

So I cherish the flower. :D

Much later, she tells me that she wants to give the flower to someone else, too. I am sad at first, because I think that maybe I am no longer good enough, for her, to hold her flower. But I try and I do see that actually it is beautiful that she wants to share her flower with someone else too. :D
I see that truly nothing has been lost.

But then she tells me that she wants to give her special flower to another, and then another. In fact, she tells me that there is possibly no limit to the number of people she might want to give her special flower to. :eek:

So I begin to not want her flower.

It is NOT because I feel that I am not good enough. It is no longer about me. I am strong in myself and know that I am fine. There is nothing wrong with me.

It is just that I can see that her flower is no longer very special at all, because she wants to give it to so many people. It is not worth very much.
I will still love her as a friend, but I don't want her flower. :(
 
I think that is pretty well said.

Sex can be just sex, and little, if anything, is lost.

Love is love.

If the flower is love, and all that is being shared with others is sex, then the flower is still just as special as it was when it was first given to you.
 
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