I'm having some difficulty in our V - and I may decide to stop being polyamorous. I wanted to put the situation out there, and see if perhaps there is something I can do to help make the situation better. Any advice is much appreciated.
My back story:
My wife and I have been married for over five years. We have been in a monogomous relationship since we were 14 and 15 years old - she is now 24, and I'm 25. We got married young since I was in the military and going overseas, and figured it was about time anyhow, given how long we had been in a dedicated and loving relationship.
About a year and a half ago, when we were still monogomous, I caught my wife having a sexual affair with a former best friend. I took it very hard. She apologized, and I did forgive her - and I tried to genuinely forgive her to the depth of the pain I felt at the time. It wasn't easy. I was actually very prepared to go pay a visit to this guy, and likely wind up in prison as a result. My brother managed to talk me out of it.
A few months elapsed (6 months?), and then I find out that she began phone sex behind my back with another good friend of mine. She abruptly declared herself polyamorous.
So, out of love and respect for my wife, I figured I would try to give it a go.
I've been friends with her lover for a couple of years, and we understand each other very well. He is currently transitioning from male to female with estrogen therapy - this doesn't bother me at all. I remember him living as a male and going through a lot of ground breaking stuff, and I'm glad to have been supportive the whole way.
What *does* bother me, is that my wife seems very focused on her other lover. I'm horrible with time, but I would hazard a guess that it's been six months or longer now. She moved into our house, but is preparing to begin school in another state and come back each month to visit.
During all of this time, it seems like her other lover has kept her preoccupied a good deal. My wife tries to pay attention to me on purpose to attempt to keep it fair. It feels like less than 50% of her attention though, and it feels very measured out as a matter of due course. I do think she still loves me, but I feel neglected at times, and that I continually sacrifice for a situation that doesn't always behoove me.
To complicate things further, I guess I have to get a little stereotypical - I'm a 25 year old male, with a very high sex drive. My wife used to be able to keep pace with me, for the most part. Before her first affair, her sex drive ceased altogether. Currently with her new lover, she keeps pace with me at about 5% to 10% of what is consistantly normal for me. She seems to enjoy sex with her other lover more than me - like she is able to connect with "her" in some feminine way that I'm simply not able to do because I am inherently male, regardless of how much I try to make her feel emotionally loved, the lengths I'll happily go to to make sure she is physically satisfied, etc.
I did have a brief secondary female relationship of my own that helped, but it pretty rapidly imploded as she tried to soak up all of my time and displace my wife altogether.
I'm running out of ideas to make this V successful. I really wish it could be successful - because I love my wife, and I have a unique and great relationship with her other lover (which isn't the same kind of love I have for my wife.)
Am I still maybe tinged with the bitter sense of betrayal from her first affair? Am I simply being stupidly jealous still? Maybe I can't adapt to having "half a wife", or at least much less of her attention and love.
I'm halfway considering cutting my loses in this whole thing. It's a love/hate situation, and the stress alone is really horrible. My wife refuses to be monogomous, and I can't fault her for her own choices. So, I'm considering divorce, and moving to a new state for a clean start - maybe where my brother is, or where some good friends are.
Cutting ties would be incredibly painful, and I still wish I could just figure out how to make this work.
Any help is much appreciated, and I can answer additional questions if it is helpful.
My back story:
My wife and I have been married for over five years. We have been in a monogomous relationship since we were 14 and 15 years old - she is now 24, and I'm 25. We got married young since I was in the military and going overseas, and figured it was about time anyhow, given how long we had been in a dedicated and loving relationship.
About a year and a half ago, when we were still monogomous, I caught my wife having a sexual affair with a former best friend. I took it very hard. She apologized, and I did forgive her - and I tried to genuinely forgive her to the depth of the pain I felt at the time. It wasn't easy. I was actually very prepared to go pay a visit to this guy, and likely wind up in prison as a result. My brother managed to talk me out of it.
A few months elapsed (6 months?), and then I find out that she began phone sex behind my back with another good friend of mine. She abruptly declared herself polyamorous.
So, out of love and respect for my wife, I figured I would try to give it a go.
I've been friends with her lover for a couple of years, and we understand each other very well. He is currently transitioning from male to female with estrogen therapy - this doesn't bother me at all. I remember him living as a male and going through a lot of ground breaking stuff, and I'm glad to have been supportive the whole way.
What *does* bother me, is that my wife seems very focused on her other lover. I'm horrible with time, but I would hazard a guess that it's been six months or longer now. She moved into our house, but is preparing to begin school in another state and come back each month to visit.
During all of this time, it seems like her other lover has kept her preoccupied a good deal. My wife tries to pay attention to me on purpose to attempt to keep it fair. It feels like less than 50% of her attention though, and it feels very measured out as a matter of due course. I do think she still loves me, but I feel neglected at times, and that I continually sacrifice for a situation that doesn't always behoove me.
To complicate things further, I guess I have to get a little stereotypical - I'm a 25 year old male, with a very high sex drive. My wife used to be able to keep pace with me, for the most part. Before her first affair, her sex drive ceased altogether. Currently with her new lover, she keeps pace with me at about 5% to 10% of what is consistantly normal for me. She seems to enjoy sex with her other lover more than me - like she is able to connect with "her" in some feminine way that I'm simply not able to do because I am inherently male, regardless of how much I try to make her feel emotionally loved, the lengths I'll happily go to to make sure she is physically satisfied, etc.
I did have a brief secondary female relationship of my own that helped, but it pretty rapidly imploded as she tried to soak up all of my time and displace my wife altogether.
I'm running out of ideas to make this V successful. I really wish it could be successful - because I love my wife, and I have a unique and great relationship with her other lover (which isn't the same kind of love I have for my wife.)
Am I still maybe tinged with the bitter sense of betrayal from her first affair? Am I simply being stupidly jealous still? Maybe I can't adapt to having "half a wife", or at least much less of her attention and love.
I'm halfway considering cutting my loses in this whole thing. It's a love/hate situation, and the stress alone is really horrible. My wife refuses to be monogomous, and I can't fault her for her own choices. So, I'm considering divorce, and moving to a new state for a clean start - maybe where my brother is, or where some good friends are.
Cutting ties would be incredibly painful, and I still wish I could just figure out how to make this work.
Any help is much appreciated, and I can answer additional questions if it is helpful.
Last edited: