My situation

tll2k6

New member
My wife and I have been together for 8 years in a mono relationship. Since I have known her, she has suffered from clinical depression, social anxiety disorder, and a little bit of borderline personality disorder. I have tried to be as supportive as I can regarding those things, and she is getting treatment, but it's slow. We are both introverts, and I know that I tend to worry about my partner's feelings way more than mine, but I am working on that.

N has always frequented chat rooms. she likes to role play, not always sexual. I was okay with that, because she explained that she has kinks that aren't really feasible in real life. In one of these chat rooms, she met G, who quickly fell for her. She would talk to other people and he would get extremely jealous. Their relationship became more personal and exclusive over the years. Ours deteriorated, but not to the point of ruin. She was always withdrawn, so I just assumed that it was her depression. I'd help as I could, but sometimes I couldn't do anything.

Since we both have issues communicating, we have gotten into the habit of writing each other emails when we have a pressing issue. It is almost always just pure emotion. Last week, I noticed her writing a long email, and we had kinda had a mini fight that evening, so I was expecting it for me. She went to bed, and I waited but never received it. I was worried that she might have sent a long and emotional email to a business that we were going to on the weekend, and I wanted to prepare for what she said, so I checked her sent email to see what it was. I know it was wrong, and I can't really say if I would do it again.

In her email, to another online friend, she said that she was madly in love with another man. She wanted to leave, but she couldn't go to him, because they had a huge fight and he basically didn't want anything to do with her. I was devastated. I knew our relationship was far from perfect, but I felt like she no longer wanted me. I went to bed, horribly depressed and unable to sleep, and started crying, waking her up. We talked for a while, her telling me that she still loved me(!) but loved him too. Over the last week or so, we have talked more than we have at any other time in our relationship.

I know I want to continue our relationship. She is currently visiting her sister for a week, trying to clear her head. We have both been reading "The Ethical Slut" and I have found a lot of good information both there and on here. I know it will be hard, and we have a lot to work through, but I have seen how supportive the people of this forum are, because I read through this thread over the weekend. And, I think right now, that's what I need. Not saying I WON'T need advice, I'm sure I will, but for now, thank you for reading and feel free to ask questions.
 
Welcome!

First and foremost, get yourselves into marriage counceling and learn how to communicate with each other more effectively! Communication is key to keeping a marriage going. Both my husband and I are a bit communication challenged, not to mention we apparently weren't even speaking the same language before (who knew):eek:.

Keep reading, there's lots of information here.
 
We are planning on doing that. My wife just started with a new therapist and she mentioned that she would like to do some joint sessions. But in the meantime, I'm trying to just tell her everything that is relevant when it comes to mind. Open and honest. I had heard about the languages of love, but never really looked into it. Isn't there a book by that name?
 
"The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts" by Gary Chapman
Excellent book and I recommend it to EVERYONE. It won't really help with communication issues, but it's still a must read for anyone in a relationship.
 
It would be great if she came and read here too, but I can understand that you might need some space to sort out how you feel first.

It sounds like the cat is out of the bag, but that could be a good thing! So much time has passed that she has lived in a fantasy world with this guy and neglected what she has in real life. Maybe this is just what she needs to start something fresh with you. Or maybe it is just what is needed for you both to move on. Time will tell I guess, but whatever happens, it will be what is better for both of you I should think.

Time to do some hard work. I would be asking if she is ready for that and then get on board and get to it! Its sounds like all is not lost, just derailed over time. :)
 
She was staying with her sister. The plan was to stay 2 weeks, originally, then until Saturday, and yesterday she decided to come back today. Since we got together so young, she never really had to survive on her own. Now, she wants to do it, and it terrifies me. I don't want to lose her, especially now that I am aware of what steps we need to take to start repairing our relationship. She decided that since it isn't feasible for her to move out yet (she isn't working right now), that she wanted to use our extra bedroom as her room. I thought I was okay with that, I mean, it's better than her moving out for a year, waiting for her lease to expire, but it's harder than I imagined. It doesn't help that I'm trying all I can to get her to work with me. She says she needs some time, and I want to give it to her, but I don't want to be distant, either. I need reassurance from her, and when I asked her for it, she just said that she isn't sure what she wants right now. Does anyone have any tips on what to do? I'm so lost right now...
 
It sounds like you both could use learning to be independent and yet still be supportive of each other's journeys. I would also highly recommend reading Melodie Beatty's books.

Start with Codependent No More, and/or the Codependent No More Handbook. Either one will help you sort how to be there for the people you love without trying to control the outcome or losing sight of your own needs and what makes you happy. The workbook has exercises designed to give you positive ways of relating to others and to build a framework for change and personal growth.

She later wrote The New Codependency. All her books help people learn how to set boundaries, stop engaging in unhealthy habits, and take care of themselves.
 
It sounds as if she discovered that there was a lot inside and to herself she didn't know. Her request for some distance speaks clearly about some time she needs to herself exclusively. Don't be too clingy and deny her this time. You won't gain anything by pushing things now. As hard as it is.

As her partner, I think it is reasonable that you need some kind of clear statement in regard to how she envisions your relationship to proceed. If this is about poly, she will still have strong feelings for you. Maybe she is just confused and insecure because the things she used to know seem to be so unpredictable and twisted right now and that's why she can't trust in the validity of them. I didn't quite get the reason why she wants to move out. If this is just about her needing some physical space to sort things out, the extra bedroom should do. If she doesn't see a future for the two of you, things are different. You should get some kind of clear answer to this issue.
 
As her partner, I think it is reasonable that you need some kind of clear statement in regard to how she envisions your relationship to proceed.

I decided to be upfront and ask her this. She said that she honestly just sees us being friends in the future. I am devastated. I really thought we could work this out.

If this is about poly, she will still have strong feelings for you.

She still claims to love me, but honestly, I suspect that it's just an automatic response from me telling her that I still love her. I wish I would have prevented this from happening... Thank you for your help. I doubt I would have gotten a clear answer anytime soon without it.
 
I am sorry that it ended this way. Some are just mono, in most cases more like serial monogamists, falling naturally in and out of love as they discover new love interests. She seems to be someone whose feelings work like that.

If this is the final answer, look for opportunities to make a clear and clean cut. It won't do you any good to keep on living with the woman you love long term. Don't go and torture yourself. Both of you will need some space and time to grasp the whole of the situation and concentrate on yourself for now.
 
Thanks Phy. I don't know how quickly we can proceed. She has only worked a total of 3 days in her life, due to her social anxiety. She really has nothing in her name. Hell, she doesn't have her driver's license, and her learners permit is about to expire. I can't bring myself to just kick her out on the curb. And, honestly, I still want her to get the medical help she needs, which she won't be able to do without my insurance. I guess we'll just have to see where everything stands in the morning. I know I shouldn't torture myself like this, but I am still kinda hoping we may be able to salvage this...
 
Thanks Phy. I don't know how quickly we can proceed. She has only worked a total of 3 days in her life, due to her social anxiety. She really has nothing in her name. Hell, she doesn't have her driver's license, and her learners permit is about to expire. I can't bring myself to just kick her out on the curb. And, honestly, I still want her to get the medical help she needs, which she won't be able to do without my insurance. I guess we'll just have to see where everything stands in the morning. I know I shouldn't torture myself like this, but I am still kinda hoping we may be able to salvage this...

On everything else I am useless. On this I have plenty of experience.

Your wife, if she really has nothing, can a) look into SSDI, as her social anxiety is preventing her from working, and b) will likely qualify for Medicaid if the two of you divorce.

There's only so much fixing you can do. My partner helped me learn to drive--is that an option for her? Would she let you teach her? Renewing the permit just means taking the written test at the DMV again. Easy. I had to do that. :) You can take advantage of your insurance situation for the time being, which will get her into counseling, but what will you do if her anxiety doesn't clear up before you two stop being able to live together?
 
I feel for you. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be independent. I wonder how people find themselves in a place where they entirely rely on another. I have never been there and never intend to be.

I'm so sorry that not only is this woman deciding to end your years of marriage with you but needs you to take care of her. That's the biggest SUCK ever.

Asking/expecting the very person you want to get away from to please help me get away from you is just wrong to me. Still, you both created this so I think I would just let her sit in her new bedroom and figure it out for herself. It could be she just needs time.

In the mean time this. Is your time to think about your future too. If nothing else it sounds like the two of you need autonomy from one another. You need to be thinking in terms of "what do I want in my life" and so does she. Frankly, IMHO, you should of been doing this all along in your marriage, otherwise this wiuld be easier now, but here you are facing it now. No time like now to get on it.
 
On everything else I am useless. On this I have plenty of experience.

Your wife, if she really has nothing, can a) look into SSDI, as her social anxiety is preventing her from working, and b) will likely qualify for Medicaid if the two of you divorce.

There's only so much fixing you can do. My partner helped me learn to drive--is that an option for her? Would she let you teach her? Renewing the permit just means taking the written test at the DMV again. Easy. I had to do that. :) You can take advantage of your insurance situation for the time being, which will get her into counseling, but what will you do if her anxiety doesn't clear up before you two stop being able to live together?

She knows how to drive. All she needs to do is take the driving test. Her anxiety is making it difficult to do that, since she doesn't like being around people that she doesn't know. She thinks they constantly judge her, and during the test, she'd be right. She has been going to counseling, but she just changed therapists, and hasn't been able to go very often. They finally set up multiple ones in advance, but it's not for another two weeks or so... It's going to be rough making it that far.

I feel for you. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be independent. I wonder how people find themselves in a place where they entirely rely on another. I have never been there and never intend to be.

I'm so sorry that not only is this woman deciding to end your years of marriage with you but needs you to take care of her. That's the biggest SUCK ever.

Asking/expecting the very person you want to get away from to please help me get away from you is just wrong to me. Still, you both created this so I think I would just let her sit in her new bedroom and figure it out for herself. It could be she just needs time.

In the mean time this. Is your time to think about your future too. If nothing else it sounds like the two of you need autonomy from one another. You need to be thinking in terms of "what do I want in my life" and so does she. Frankly, IMHO, you should of been doing this all along in your marriage, otherwise this wiuld be easier now, but here you are facing it now. No time like now to get on it.
Honestly, she hasn't asked me. She asked me multiple times if I wanted her to leave. I want nothing less. I have come to realize that I'm almost definitely codependent. I WANT to take care of her, and I'm feeling lost now.

She seems to agree that we should get therapy, then turns around and basically says that she thinks that she is changing and that she doesn't think that we will be compatible anymore. I think pushing her to tell me where she thought our relationship was heading was a bad idea... She has been more and more distant since then. I don't know if maybe the guy she says she loves has come around and said he wanted a relationship or what, but she seems to be trying to push me away more every day... I know you all say that it is over, and maybe it is, but I want to at least fight for it. It's just really hard when the other person doesn't want to. I wish there was some kind of emergency therapy place, like there is for physical emergencies. That's what I think I need now.

We just had a fight, and I told her that it seemed that she was being more distant after she said that she sees us being just friends. She didn't respond, so I prodded a bit more and she was just deflecting and saying that she was tired and didn't feel well and she didn't know what to say. I kinda stormed out and I feel horrible now. She's asleep in her room and I don't know if I'll be able to sleep in an empty bed, knowing that she's in the next room. I'm sorry that this has moved away from a poly discussion... I really have nowhere else to talk about this stuff.
 
Keep your chin up.

Having spent a year with someone with a very similar set of illnesses (BDP, SAD and chronic depression, not to mention another whole mountain of social difficulties) I know the difficulties of dealing with that kind of a partner, if you haven't learned yet that no matter what you say or try and show, its always going to be outweighed by their internal perceptions and reinterpreted by their habitual biases, which are always by nature self centred.

BPD makes it incredibly difficult for people to empathise with or relate to people because EVERYONE else is "outside" of them, and don't easily correlate with what is "inside" of them. Trust me, very few things feel more liberating that breaking ties with that kind of situation.

I'm not saying your goals or futile or that you are wrong in wanting to fight to get your relationship back to a stable and happy place, What I AM saying is to take a cold and hard look at your current situation, and judge in the harshest possible way if the other persons inclusion in your life is an activity positive contribution to you happiness, or a habitual inclusion of comfort.
 
There's not much to be done about the issue of test anxiety, I'm afraid. I flunked mine three times because I was so anxious I couldn't drive. The fourth time, I had a guy who was really understanding about my nerves (also I had told him "I have an anxiety disorder; please be patient with me").

I also wish there were emergency therapy places.

@Alleycat, SAD and depression are worlds different from BPD--another "correlation, not causation" issue, very common in psychology. BPD is also controversial in that some doctors (unscrupulous ones) will diagnose it in any "difficult" woman. I had it happen to me, when really I just had a complicated, nasty history + a brain chemistry problem that hadn't been corrected. There are major differences in treatment, too. BPD responds well to behavioral therapies, almost to the exclusion of others. SAD means there is a deficit in light causing a chemical issue inside a person's body; many major depressions have their roots in chemical imbalances. CBT/DBT sometimes help, but they must be combined with other forms of treatment in order to effect remission or cure.

If you would like to be brought inside the headspace of someone who has dealt with mental illness, by all means PM me and I am happy to share. :)
 
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