are there poly people living mono on here?

luckygirl

New member
Hi, I've been cruising around, and I seem to find a lot of people of the monogamous mindset accepting a poly partner and learning to embrace that lifestyle because they love their partner and want to give them what they want. I haven't come across anyone yet who is poly and living monogamously because they want their partner to have the relationship that they want. The furthest is seems to go is living monogamy "for now" until the partner is okay with the idea.
No judgement or anything, I'd just like to hear from people who are doing it that way. I've heard some variations on "monogamy is something you WANT, polyamorous is something I NEED (or something I AM)", and would like some more insight into this.
 
I wish I could remember the use. I remember someone being in this situation. A poly considering giving up on their being poly to try and be mono.

I guess it depends on the level of poly someone is. I suppose it would be possible to wing it, but I would think there would always be doubt lingering.

For me personally, I couldn't imagine being 100% monogamous again. Its been so long since I have felt that restricted that it would be very foreign to me.

Great question, I look forward to seeing any answers. But I do wonder if poly's living mono, would even be on a poly site. It seems like it would be counterproductive.
 
my current partner tried to be mono with his last girlfriend because she wasn't happy with him being happy,but in the end the relationship self destructed because he could not be something he wasn't. With me,(I am mono) I accept his poly status and his secondary whom I've gotten to known as a fanastic friend.
 
If my husband asked me to stifle my poly tendencies, I would. I love HIM and I committed to HIM and our family - and if it would hurt him to see me with other men/women, I would not do so. I could not deliberately hurt him by walking a path he wasn't comfortable with.

I don't see that happening though... he's connected with a very lovely lady, and they seem to be hitting it off :) I'm super happy for him.

I'm still looking though. The right person will come along for me. I just haven't found him or her yet. Or they haven't found me. :p

:D
 
well dunno if this fits but my ex said at one point that he'd be exclusive to me and his other significant other only in order to keep the monogamous significant other happy because she said she could only handle one other woman.... that's kinda a poly person going as close to monogamy as i've known personally.
but i don;t knwo if he'd give up poly forever. he's done the break thing.a nd when i asked about if he ever would go back to monogamy if his sigificant others asked would he and he never gave me an answer...cant say i blame him, thats a toughy!
hope this helps ur curiosity.
 
... But I do wonder if poly's living mono, would even be on a poly site. It seems like it would be counterproductive.

WELLLLLL there are those of us who ummmm..are questioning the ...err... monogamous nature of themselves?
u know, those poly-mono relationships whereby the mono partner questions if they themselves are poly. or those who are mono, got into a poly relationship.... out of the poly relationship. and now questions their monogamous natures LOL
so THEY'D be on the site....
but really, if i were poly and choose to live monogamously for the sake of a partner i loved i'd still be on the poly sites for support as well as fellowship with fellow poly folk. cus afterall, even if i weren't practicing poly i could at least feel a kindred spirit with those on the sites... u know?
 
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I wonder if there are lots of people like that (poly but commited to mono relationships) that make it work for their partner and probably to an extent societal expectation. I only recently came across polly as a concept myself and as it happens when I told one of my friends about it she said that she's always felt that way (poly) and she now wishes she had known about it before because she is now totally committed to her mono partner and doesn't feel she could "change the rules" at this stage. It would be interesting to know. Good food for thought ta
 
WELLLLLL there are those of us who ummmm..are questioning the ...err... monogamous nature of themselves?
u know, those poly-mono relationships whereby the mono partner questions if they themselves are poly. or those who are mono, got into a poly relationship.... out of the poly relationship. and now questions their monogamous natures LOL
so THEY'D be on the site....
but really, if i were poly and choose to live monogamously for the sake of a partner i loved i'd still be on the poly sites for support as well as fellowship with fellow poly folk. cus afterall, even if i weren't practicing poly i could at least feel a kindred spirit with those on the sites... u know?

Fair enough, thanks for the insight :)..
 
My tersiary has decided to be in a mono relationship with his girlfriend for the time being while they establish themselves and he goes through his divorce. She is now moving in with him it turns out... I don't know what it will all mean in the end, so I wait. I have known him for years and he has come in and out of my life. I don't think this will mean the end for us. Just a long delay.

I think it's a really good idea to be mono for awhile actually. I think it helps the relationship reach it's maximum potential. It helps build a foundation for the couple I think. It's important to keep talking I think, and seeing if the relationship has primary potential or if it should be mono.
 
I think it's a really good idea to be mono for awhile actually. I think it helps the relationship reach it's maximum potential. It helps build a foundation for the couple I think. It's important to keep talking I think, and seeing if the relationship has primary potential or if it should be mono.

Hunh. If I thought that being poly- was keeping my relationships from reaching their maximum potential, or got in the way of building a foundation, I'd stop being poly-.

From my perspective, I don't get how this advice is supposed to work in practice. Should I dump everyone I'm dating every time I meet someone new in order to be monogamous with them? That'd be incredibly cruel, and importing one of the worst elements of being in monogamous relationships into polyamory.

Further, I'm really clear that none of my relationships "should be mono", since I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. So if there is some relationship out there that "should be mono", I shouldn't be in it in the first place! Being monogamous for that relationship would just prolong my being in the wrong relationship.
 
Thank God I'm not anymore-but yes, I did live mono for a long time with great struggle until last September.
But after I figured out that I couldn't, and I laid it out for Maca, he ultimately figured out that he's not mono either.
GG is.
GG lives in a poly dynamic with us-but isn't with anyone but me because he's not poly.
 
I'm "living mono" by default. Right after I met my now-husband, my mother was diagnosed with stage-4 colon cancer and died a year later (in 2001). Steve and I got married shortly after that. Since then, I haven't felt inclined to socialize much (except online). WE always had the agreement that I could have girlfriends, but recently we also decided that he could have girlfriends too, and I could have boyfriends. I almost had a boyfriend, but it was the other guy who couldn't handle the idea of being involved with someone with other partners, not my husband who couldn't handle it. Right now, we are both not seeing anyone else, but that is subject to change if the right person/people come along.
 
Hunh. If I thought that being poly- was keeping my relationships from reaching their maximum potential, or got in the way of building a foundation, I'd stop being poly-.

From my perspective, I don't get how this advice is supposed to work in practice. Should I dump everyone I'm dating every time I meet someone new in order to be monogamous with them? That'd be incredibly cruel, and importing one of the worst elements of being in monogamous relationships into polyamory.

Further, I'm really clear that none of my relationships "should be mono", since I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. So if there is some relationship out there that "should be mono", I shouldn't be in it in the first place! Being monogamous for that relationship would just prolong my being in the wrong relationship.

Well, as luckygirl was asking if this happens, I guess my response is "yes." I have known it to happen a few times. Even with people on here that I have met and conversed with in private. I think some relationships go better that way, for whatever reason. It's a matter of what the people in them want. Perhaps they are fine with a mono life, even though they could quite easily poly if the opportunity comes up.

Personally I could not, at this point anyway, live in a strictly monogamous relationship. It would cause me much duress. I'm with you on this jkelly. For the same reasons, but it still happens that some poly people go mono because they think the partner they have found is worth that much in whatever way that means to them. I don't think that means that by yours and my standard it means that the others are less.... it's just a difference that people have.

There could be many reasons for it really.... they want to find a primary? they want to get married, have kids, etc.. as that is what they think success is? They would rather make do with a partner they love deeply than many they are in love with but their worlds aren't rocked? I don't know... just a speculation. I did that with PN for years. It turned out I can't do it for life, but it worked during the time of our wedding, house buying, kid creating and debt building :D I am assuming that others do the same... please, someone, correct me if I am wrong about that.
 
Fair enough, thanks for the insight :)..

LOL, i'm just gad u understood what i was trying to say...i just re-read it and went...ok I know what I wanted to say but do they? LOL
 
I tried living mono for a few years. I did it successfully insofar as there was no cheating, unsuccessfully because I was miserable and, as a result, so was he.
After many talks we agreed to open the relationship on my end. We felt much better right away, even though it was about two more years before I actually met someone. Those two years living monogamously de facto rather than by force weren't hard at all.

I think the people who can go either way are more likely to think they're mono if they are with a mono, and only realise they could go either way if they're with a poly person.

Also, I think restricting what you're personally allowed to do and what someone else does is different. That is, I wish my mono partner had other partners, but he doesn't, and I have to accept that. He would find it easier if I had nobody else, but I do, and he has to accept that.
Forcing yourself to have nobody else seems to me more similar to someone forcing themselves to have more partners when it's not for them, if I am making sense here.

Mono people who "live poly" don't do it on their end of the relationship is what I mean. Doesn't mean every mono will be able to have a poly relationship or that it isn't hard for them, but a poly relationship can be so on one end only while a mono relationship is mono for both partners, by definition.
 
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