Whose bed?

lovinhimloviner

New member
I don't think like other people I guess so I thought I would ask your opinion on the bed situation.

My husband's GF lives about an hour away. When she comes over I want her to feel comfortable in our home. The first night she came over I left to go to a friends house for girls night out. I made sure there were clean bed clothes and a couple candles on the headboard. I didn't think a anything about it. She ended up not staying the night because she wasn't sure how the kids would react the next morning. H said she seemed uncomfortable getting into our bed. I felt kind of offended at first. I worried that is why she left. It is just a piece of furniture. All of the love and togetherness feeling comes from having H right there with me. After reading some of the restrictions that have been places on some of the relationships I realize that people have an issue with having others in their bed. I guess what I am asking is where do they sleep while she is here if not in the bed? I just always figured I would take the couch and they could have the bed. I want them to be able to sleep together but I don't want to push her into something she is uncomfortable with.
 
might get better answers if you ask her.

But, for me, having JUST encountered this question for the second time.


It was no big deal to me for Maca (dh) to share our bed with another woman when I was in Washington (as was all of my stuff, we were supposed to be moving there).

But, we didn't move, now that's my room with all of my stuff.

I COULD move the most meaningful things to GG's room, but that would be bothersome for Maca... at the same time, just because HE'S comfortable enough to move to sex doesn't mean I'm comfortable enough to share my personal space with someone.

I don't know the person as well as he does, I don't have a friendship with her and I don't build relationships as quickly as him. Therefore, it's nothing to do with HIM-were she just walking into my life-she wouldn't be close enough to me to be sleeping in my room or being in my space without me there.

Therefore-it's not reasonable for her to be in my personal space yet. Period.

SO-they can use a hotel. If a hotel isn't feasible, then they'll have to figure something else out.

In your situation-you are comfortable, that's awesome, but since it would seem that she isn't, maybe it would be a good idea to ask her what exactly it is that is making her uncomfortable in order to address what would be comfortable for her.
 
For me, the bed is I share with Fidelio not just a bed. It is our marriage bed, and it is sacred to us as a symbol of the rest and peace we find in each other.

Others have slept there: napping children, lazy dogs, family elders. But we don't bring other lovers into it.

Fidelio built our bed, especially for me, with his own two hands, to be our bed in our home forever. This is part of our cultural heritage. There are many other beds in the world; there are plenty of other beds in our house. But our bed is special and sacred and just for us.

Perhaps your metamour feels similarly.
 
But our bed is special and sacred and just for us.

.

My bed has this sacredness about it so I understand a part of this. I don't even feel cool just fooling around in RP and PN's bed unless he's there ;)

I don't see things as just objects; for me they hold energy from the experiences that are created around, in or on them. I get it..some things are sacred for me as well :)
 
Hi Lovinhim,

I guess I'm more like you (furniture/spot) and yet I understand the feeling of those who view a space differently. As mono mentioned, there is an 'energy' that gets released into an area that can make it special. For me/us we feel adding to that energy is actually erotic. It doesn't detract from it. But that's us.

All else fails - buy an air bed - put it where you want ! They have advantages as you can get wilder and more creative (especially with multiple partners) and not worry about someone getting bounced off on the floor from 2 feet up ! :)

This was an interesting dynamic in our full motion waterbed. The 'wave' effect has caught more than one person unawares. Good for laughs but kind of breaks the moment when someone hits the floor.

GS
 
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Hi Lovinhim,

I guess I'm more like you (furniture/spot) and yet I understand the feeling of those who view a space differently. As mono mentioned, there is an 'energy' that gets released into an area that can make it special. For me/us we feel adding to that energy is actually erotic. It doesn't detract from it. But that's us.


You say a bed is just a piece of furniture to you, yet you say that you like the erotic energy that gets released into it. So I don't think that the bed really IS "just furniture" to you - you just LIKE it when you have sex with your other partners in it. That is exactly the same principle as when people DON'T want to bring in other partners, but it is the opposite manifestation. If the bed were "just furniture" to you, then you wouldn't have anything to say at all about "erotic energy" being associated with it, one way or another.
 
neon said:
If the bed were "just furniture" to you, then you wouldn't have anything to say at all about "erotic energy" being associated with it, one way or another.

Naw Neon,

You really don't 'get it' - pretty typical <evil grin>
The bed is not the 'space' and the space is not the 'bed'.

Let it go.

GS
 
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Naw Neon,

You really don't 'get it' - pretty typical <evil grin>
The bed is not the 'space' and the space is not the 'bed'.

Let it go.

GS

You're right, I really don't get it when you and your <evil grin> contradict yourselves. That was why I was hoping you could explain it to me. I guess I ask for the impossible.
 
You say a bed is just a piece of furniture to you, yet you say that you like the erotic energy that gets released into it. So I don't think that the bed really IS "just furniture" to you - you just LIKE it when you have sex with your other partners in it . . . If the bed were "just furniture" to you, then you wouldn't have anything to say at all about "erotic energy" being associated with it, one way or another.
I didn't read it that way. I thought he meant that although the bed is just furniture, the space/area/room/environment/dynamic that is present holds the energy of the people involved. The bed itself isn't sacrosanct, but the energy of the people "playing" is felt and acknowledged, and can happen anywhere -- not just in the bed. So the bed is just furniture. While at the same time, there is a palpable energy present.
 
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I didn't read it that way. I thought he meant that although the bed is just furniture, the space/area/room/environment/dynamic that is present holds the energy of the people involved. The bed itself isn't sacrosanct, but the energy of the people "playing" is felt and acknowledged, and can happen anywhere -- not just in the bed. So the bed is just furniture.


Thank you.

That isn't what it sounded like GS said to me; but that is definitely one way of looking at it.
 
I would feel really awkward about kicking someone out of her own bed so that I could sleep with her husband in their bed, maybe even a little guilty. My mom always tries to make me take her bed when I come visit, and I always refuse, it's just not right. I realize you're choosing to give it up, not getting kicked out, but it would feel the same way to me.

As for the generality of partners sleeping in other partners' beds, it's all about what works for the people in the relationships. To some people, it's just a piece of furniture, to others it's a sacred space. Just like for some people, wedding rings are an important symbol of the commitment, and others think it's just a silly metal trinket.
 
I slept in "their" bed about 3 times. She suggested it because she was out of the house working a night shift and their bed is bigger and more comfortable than the futon in the spare bedroom. (He's a tall guy, so that made the futon extra uncomfortable!) It was okay the first couple of times, but not the third time. His and my relationship was going downhill by then. I didn't feel like I was getting enough time with him. (They live together. I lived a little over an hour away and was lucky if I saw him once a week or slept with him once every two weeks.) As I laid in their bed.....it was a reminder to me of how she and he sleep together night after night....wake up to each other morning after morning. And how much I wanted more times like that with him.

If she was home at night, I would never sleep in their bed and displace her. That was HER bed, not mine. He would come and sleep on the futon with me. We'd make do even if it was a bit uncomfortable. (When I moved to be closer to them and start a new job I lived in their house for the first month until I found a place of my own to rent. He traded off sleeping every other night with one of us, in general, with a few exceptions. Unless she was at work, we slept on the futon in "my" room.) He wanted me to come into their bedroom when they were in bed in the morning to tell him "good morning" and give him a "good bye" kiss before I left for work. She was fine with this. (If their bedroom door was shut, I wouldn't go in...although that only happened once.) In fact, she'd make it a point to tell me to have a good day when I came in to tell him "Good morning". I miss them. :(
 
I guess we are different because our GF is "OUR" GF....Not just MY gf, and not just HER GF. So she sleeps with both of us...in our king sized bed. :D
 
This is something that we don't have to deal with. My wife and I have separate beds in separate rooms, so our beds are ours alone and we can share them with whom we please. We don't have issues with sleeping arrangements.

Shortly after we got together several years ago, my wife had an issue briefly over the idea of somebody else having sex with me in our apartment. I pointed out that any place I can't freely have company is someplace that isn't my home, so to solve the problem I told her I'd find us adjoining apartments somewhere and then she'd never have to worry about that and I would actually have a home.

She decided she'd much rather live with me than next door to me and worked through her issue. I suspect it had to do with not wanting to have to clean an apartment by herself....;)
 
Been thinking about this topic. I have been corresponding for a few months now with a poly guy who is married, and we're planning to meet sometime soon. If we choose to become intimate and he ever invites me to sleep in the bed he shares with his wife, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. In fact, I wouldn't feel comfortable with even being in their bedroom. I view my bedroom as a sanctuary and am careful about the energy that goes into it, so even if they didn't care about that stuff, I would feel weird being sexual with him in their space. Other reasons: I wouldn't want to feel like an invader, or that I was just another body in his bed, and I would want our liaisons to have some sort of special designation, separate from other relationships he has.


Curious how it worked out with the OP talking to her hub's gf about it.
 
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When I spoke to her about this she said it is a little weird but she would get over it and it would be ok. I hope she is being honest with herself about all of this.
 
I am so glad that you brought this up. It's not really anything I have thought of before as really being an issue for myself, and I am finding the responses to be very enlightening.

As for myself, I have a very severe sleeping disorder, and my bed is not just a piece of furniture, or a place for being intimate. My bedroom is where I go as a sort of sanctuary. Its where I suffer and also where I heal. At the moment my Boyfriend and I live in separate apartments because we found that to be easier for us, not just on a multiple partner level but on all levels. Even when we did live together, He had his own room and joined me on occasion or vice versa because of my need to be secluded when I sleep.

I really have no experience in this particular matter, but I do have a possible suggestion...

There has been alot of talk about the energy that the bed holds. I truly believe that all physical objects hold varying degree's of energy of the person that they belong to. A ring for example, or a childs favorite toy. You are clearly open to sharing your space with her which I think is very wonderful of you, but perhaps its the energy of the room, the furniture, all of it, that holds her back? I would invite her place something of herself in the room. A mirror, or candles or something along those lines to make her feel more at home. Then the energy of that room would belong to all of you and not just that of you and your husbands. It might be more comfortable for her that way.

Very much luck to you!
 
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