long distance and poly??

I would not seek out an LDR or be very likely to begin dating someone I'd never met. But I had a relationship that became long distance and I deeply cared about that individual, I'm sure I'd figure something out.

I said the same thing. :)
 
LDRs, like any other relationship, can work if all parties involved want them to work...period. The same things that we constantly talk about as being 'key' to poly relationships, mono relationships, and the like are the same components that are 'key' in an ldr. You can do 'whatever' you desire as long as you approach everything sincerely, honestly, and with great effort. I have had multiple long distance relationships and, at times, have had a greater connection and received more of the support I desired from my 'miles away' partner than I did from a partner that was closer to me.

I think it is important for you, your bf, and your gf to sit down and really weigh your desire to pursue the relationship, the pros and cons of the circumstances, what each of you are willing to compromise in order to make this work, and come to a mutual agreement about how you wish to proceed.

I wish you the best of everything.
 
LDRs, like any other relationship, can work if all parties involved want them to work...period. The same things that we constantly talk about as being 'key' to poly relationships, mono relationships, and the like are the same components that are 'key' in an ldr. You can do 'whatever' you desire as long as you approach everything sincerely, honestly, and with great effort. I have had multiple long distance relationships and, at times, have had a greater connection and received more of the support I desired from my 'miles away' partner than I did from a partner that was closer to me.

I think it is important for you, your bf, and your gf to sit down and really weigh your desire to pursue the relationship, the pros and cons of the circumstances, what each of you are willing to compromise in order to make this work, and come to a mutual agreement about how you wish to proceed.

I wish you the best of everything.
Same here. My most loving relationship was with someone who lived a while away. We were lucky seeing each other once a month at times.
Unfortunately, the effort was not put in to keeping that relationship strong and there was a lot of miscommunication, which only made things harder.
 
If a person is not interested in LDR's for themselves then why are they in someway against it? I hear this quite often... anyone have an idea why this is so?

I would most likely not engage in an LDR as it wouldn't be for me, for several reasons including my need for touch, smell, sex with my partner being there, constant life stuff with my partners happening around me on a day to day basis.... la la la... and so on. But I am thrilled that anyone finds and is able to love one another. How they do that is up to them and is worth supporting as far as I am concerned... Go for it. Is that negative though, that I wouldn't/couldn't myself? That I have a different take on it than those that have/can have LDR's? I'm not feeling negative towards it... it confuses me that anyone would think I am... is it because I have a different description of how I do relationships and like to express that so that others know its okay to not want an LDR or even not go into a relationship that might become one?

I find it interesting and confusing that if someone has a different opinion that if they express it that they are in someway against others opinions and ideas of how they want to lead their lives. Perhaps that is a bit off topic, but I seem to be doing that lately. Sorry if it is.
 
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If a person is not interested in LDR's for themselves then why are they in someway against it? I hear this quite often... anyone have an idea why this is so?

I would most likely not engage in an LDR as it wouldn't be for me, for several reasons including my need for touch, smell, sex with my partner being there, constant life stuff with my partners happening around me on a day to day basis.... la la la... and so on. But I am thrilled that anyone finds and is able to love one another. How they do that is up to them and is worth supporting as far as I am concerned... Go for it. Is that negative though, that I wouldn't/couldn't myself? That I have a different take on it than those that have/can have LDR's? I'm not feeling negative towards it... it confuses me that anyone would think I am... is it because I have a different description of how I do relationships and like to express that so that others know its okay to not want an LDR or even not go into a relationship that might become one?

I find it interesting and confusing that if someone has a different opinion that if they express it that they are in someway against others opinions and ideas of how they want to lead their lives. Perhaps that is a bit off topic, but I seem to be doing that lately. Sorry if it is.

Well since you originally aimed this at me, I`ll take the bait. I`m bored enough today.

It`s funny, because everything you say, I feel equally, except from the opposite point of view. You have many, many, times expressed a dismissive attitude towards LDR`s. Though if someone defends a LDR, you seem to wonder what all the huff is about.

I couldnt give two-shits if you like/dislike LDR`s,..nor anyone else. Really,..don`t care. :) I`m going to keep doing what I feel works. The reason this topic is interesting, is because it comes across very much like when parents all remark to their kids how a 'relationship will never fly,...' for some reason or another.

Truth is,..Only time will tell. Proof`s in the puddin' so to speak. Relationships are made and broken on the challenges they face. Those challenges differ from relationship to relationship.

The biggest mantra in successful polyamory is COMMUNICATION. Not touch. Not smell. Not proximity. While those are important, they are nothing if people can`t communicate.

In a LDR, there is nothing tested more then your ability to communicate effectively. If it`s not there, none of the others will save you.

I see many people do just fine in LDR`s, until all the nay-sayers get in, and create doubts in people`s heads. THAT saddens me. I`m a tough bird, and I shrug things off rather well. I do seem to get worried with perception on a general basis though. I tend to want to defend the general concept when it is being portrayed like a automatic sinking ship.

Poly is a community where we are already dealing with a minority in support, so to see people diminish each other further makes me shake my head. Some people then cave to the pressure, of constantly being told that simply due to distance, a relationship wont cut it in the long run. WHY ? Why throw that negative energy at people who might have something positive ? If people want to help one another, why not share with them the mistakes learned ?

Sentences that start with; ' IF I were ever to do a LDR again, I would make sure......'

Are much more supportive and helpful then;

" I will never do a LDR again because__________ and ____ and its a nightmare."
How can people 'sell' the benefits of poly to other people and make statements like "Yes it takes more work with more people. Yes, we talk more and have to pay attention more, but it is so worth it,..'

Yet not substitute the subject poly, with 'long distance' ???


It stinks of 'my poly/way is better then your poly/way.'

LDR`s have been going on for 1000`s of years successfully. They continue in every part of the world, for a variety of reasons. Many a military family deals with long distance love. Parts of history could never of had the outcomes it did, without long distance love.
Regardless of personal style, it is a fascinating subject. How DO the successful ones work ? Why did they work ? It`s the ultimate exhibition of caring energy. To be able to not see, or feel your loved one for a long period of time, yet still feel that loving energy every day ! :) Its one of the very few examples left in the world, where love can conquer all.

You don`t get to see Derby very often. Does that take away from anything you feel for her ? I am guessing not. :) Wether the absence of a loved one is due to scheduling conflicts, or distance, it sure doesn`t mean that the relationship is any less important.

I 'smile and nod' for just that reason. I find the negative attitudes to be personal opinion based, (usually based on a soured history.) and everyone is entitled to their opinion.
preciselove obviously went through a very tough LDR and doesn`t wish that experience on anyone. He asked openly who likes them,...

..Well,..I do. :)

Where it changes with YOU,..redpepper,..is you come across as quite dismissive of other peoples relationships, if it isn`t your particular style.
2 things everyone knows from reading redpeppers threads. #1-hates casual sex. #2-has no respect for LDR`s.

Ok,...we got it.

I don`t know if thats just how you type, or my perception is off,..but its chronic, whichever it is. You mention that you don`t know how anyone could think you have a negative take on it. I can answer this. I think back to the frustrations I read in your posts when your husband was dating that woman who was moving away. That would be when I first noticed a dismissive air to the posts. Most others all begin with you speaking of your negative experience.

This post of yours, that I am quoting today, is the first time I have read in you, the ability to seperate your personal style, from what works for others. I quite liked this post of yours actually, I am glad you edited it. This sounds really fair to me.
 
LDR`s have been going on for 1000`s of years successfully. They continue in every part of the world, for a variety of reasons. Many a military family deals with long distance love. Parts of history could never of had the outcomes it did, without long distance love.
Regardless of personal style, it is a fascinating subject. How DO the successful ones work ? Why did they work ? It`s the ultimate exhibition of caring energy. To be able to not see, or feel your loved one for a long period of time, yet still feel that loving energy every day ! :) Its one of the very few examples left in the world, where love can conquer all.
Beautifully expressed!
 
delete, I responded but took it off here as I am not in a good head space at the moment due to other issues that are of importance.
 
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The LDR I was in is still one of the relationships I am in now. I am just stating that LDRs are incredibly difficult, at least for people like me that love affection. We didn't really have many issues besides the lack of missing each others touch and presence.

If an LDR is all someone can have at that point in time, it's certainly a lot better than nothing. I feel it's like this.

5) No relationship
4) daylight
3) LDR
2) daylight
1) physical relationship

Hence if you're at #1 and it returns to #3 you're regressing in my mind, but still, it's better than nothing.
 
The LDR I was in is still one of the relationships I am in now. I am just stating that LDRs are incredibly difficult, at least for people like me that love affection. We didn't really have many issues besides the lack of missing each others touch and presence.

If an LDR is all someone can have at that point in time, it's certainly a lot better than nothing. I feel it's like this.

5) No relationship
4) daylight
3) LDR
2) daylight
1) physical relationship

Hence if you're at #1 and it returns to #3 you're regressing in my mind, but still, it's better than nothing.
I don't understand 4 and 2 for the life of me...

Sometimes people have to move to get the best from their life. Maybe they are offered a job which pays twice as much, but they have to move away to get it. You are unable to move with them, because you have your own secure job with no other job to move into where they are?

Long distance can be difficult, especially when you need that affection, yes. But, I feel if it's for something like that, it will make their life better and they will be happier. I don't feel like they are going backwards in the relationship. We'd just have less time to be with each other.
 
as much as I myself would like to think that things hold a chance of working I am starting to have my doubts, the girlfriend in the relationship has expressed that she does not want to try at this relationship anymore and as much as it pains me I must give the bf and the gf now ex's space and let them make their decisions.

they had issues within their relationship before I came into the picture and even though I served as a lovely distraction for them for a time, they thought they could repair their issues with me added to the picture but it seems that this not going all wrong.

its very hard cause I really did end up falling for both him and for her and I wish that I could have the happy feelings that I felt with the both of them just last me for my life time but I can't make people feel for me what I feel for them.

and maybe if I give them space I can have a second chance but I am not sure at this point. I need to try and re focus on myself and my life right now as hard as that might be for me to do.
 
as much as I myself would like to think that things hold a chance of working I am starting to have my doubts, the girlfriend in the relationship has expressed that she does not want to try at this relationship anymore and as much as it pains me I must give the bf and the gf now ex's space and let them make their decisions.

they had issues within their relationship before I came into the picture and even though I served as a lovely distraction for them for a time, they thought they could repair their issues with me added to the picture but it seems that this not going all wrong.

its very hard cause I really did end up falling for both him and for her and I wish that I could have the happy feelings that I felt with the both of them just last me for my life time but I can't make people feel for me what I feel for them.

and maybe if I give them space I can have a second chance but I am not sure at this point. I need to try and re focus on myself and my life right now as hard as that might be for me to do.
Good idea to focus on yourself and your own happiness. That was pretty selfish of them to bring you into a relationship which already had problems.
 
yeah I do admit the bf at the time totally admited that what he was doing was purly being selfish in the fact that he wanted to try and keep his relationship with her and also with me.

and I truly do in retro spec feel a little foolish for letting myself fall for him like I did. I can't believe that they are the ones telling me I am acting childish because I kept texting them today trying to talk to them about the situation and have a discussion about it.
but its obvious that the damage they have cause is done and there is very little to do but just try and push through the hurt and try to get on with my life...I just wish that when I really meet people that do truly care and love me as they do.....that they could try consider others around them.

but I am not really one to talk my issue is the exact opposite in that I think of everyone else that is involved in the relationships first rather then myself at all, until everything with everyone else has been resolved.

I am really un sure if this will be the last time I hear from them just cause they have a tenancy of saying one thing but then really ending up doing another.
but if I do end up hearing something back I will most certainly try to be cautious in how I go about with anything.
 
Where it changes with YOU,..redpepper,..is you come across as quite dismissive of other peoples relationships, if it isn`t your particular style.
2 things everyone knows from reading redpeppers threads. #1-hates casual sex. #2-has no respect for LDR`s.

Ok,...we got it.

I don`t know if thats just how you type, or my perception is off,..but its chronic, whichever it is. You mention that you don`t know how anyone could think you have a negative take on it. I can answer this. I think back to the frustrations I read in your posts when your husband was dating that woman who was moving away. That would be when I first noticed a dismissive air to the posts. Most others all begin with you speaking of your negative experience.

This post of yours, that I am quoting today, is the first time I have read in you, the ability to seperate your personal style, from what works for others. I quite liked this post of yours actually, I am glad you edited it. This sounds really fair to me.
Thanks for this input sourgirl. Unfortunately you have me wrong. I go through a process like anyone else. I just chose to be very open about it. I don't hate casual sex and don't hate LDR's. I hate them for me... if that is negative then so be it. I have a dismissive air when I am emotional and need help understanding so that I can accept. I have had negative experiences. I talk of them on here also by way of processing them. I am no different than others that write on here looking for answers.

The rest of your post was an interesting perspective. Communication is indeed number one. I guess I took that as a given in my relationships... the touch and smell part only happens when I am with someone and isn't a given. I can see how communication would sustain a relationship for a long time if it were long distant... that seems to work for people, and that is awesome. As I said, finding love in whatever way it comes to us is what its all about. :)
 
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