The Rare Life

A thin façade of denim and leather hides my utter nakedness.
The sound of the fire and their eyes,-smell of winter and sawdust and coal smoke

Nothing but grateful prayer on my lips
Oh, Universe, you really shouldn't have!
No, don't stop-
You are marvelous.

Yes I will come up swinging my big love hammer every time, can't help it

My gut corrects me swiftly when I feel desperate, worried, solitary, not enough

Rewarded when I resolutely hold my center, don't back down, let go.

There is well-made cocoon I find inside where I can choose to rest back and know without deliberation who I am in this moment because I’m not sorry.

Big bolts of tenderness stop the rattling apart of this ambitious structure and hold us to our dreams.
 
Lovely love poems :eek:
 
The rarity continues in 2011

I think it's the new year that is causing me to focus on timelines, or maybe it's the fact that momentous occasions continue to rain down on me, ringing my bell hard, and I am in need of a way to pin it all down into a linear image.

About a year and a half ago, I joined this forum. Husband Catfish(CF) and I were fighting our way out of a deep hole we'd been in over the winter. I had moved out for a few months, spoken of divorce, moved back in for a last shot and so very fortunately and with many tears, found a way to see each other clearly again (full version in previous posts).

The opening of our chests to reveal our hearts to each other and our loved ones was, of course, monumental. We just keep getting happier, even as we tackle all the things we’ve always been intimidated by in ourselves and the world around us.

We have been to the mountain, and by god we’re here to tell the story to all the blessed souls that surround us. Plus, we’re going up there again and we’re not fucking scared.

The respect that I feel for CF is sacred. I have never trusted a person. Never. In six years I have learned to see him as he is without my projections of what he should do or be, or give to me, and he is more than beautiful, trustworthy, brave, intelligent. He has taught me so much and I am in love with him forever, bonded in battle and victory.

You should see him fucking sing, oh, that divine husband of mine, tossing his hair, blue eyes a-sparkling- I am the envy of every man and woman we know. Seriously, it’s ridiculous. Furthermore, he is endearingly unaware of his wiles. He is far from satisfied, and I love him for his serenely fierce growing force, among so many other things. He teaches people how to be themselves and doesn't notice...Dang (book).

A year and a half before I joined the forum (2007-08ish), I met Charlie(CH). My life has been a weird art movie ever since. I suppose it always was, but I noticed it then, actually I believe it was Catfish that said those particular words.

CH and I worked at a private art school together, me in the gallery, selling his work, he teaching all manner of metalworking, and I took most of his classes. Staff had 24-hour access to the seriously fine facility, and we did all manner of majical things (book) on and off the clock with metal, sand, paint, flora, firebrick, chalk, wax, paper, and on and on and on. All the time-it was amazing. I had never been in league with such a group of people who did such concrete things with the stirring of their souls. It is important to say that my boss was CH's girlfriend and they lived together. I had a front row seat to the entirety of their relationship from beginning to end. When it did end, CH came to live with CF and me for a couple of months before moving across the country. Concurrent events: I lost my job, I started school, I cheated on CF, I moved out-hmmm. Yeah.

Lots of earth-shaking transition. I will let Charlie tell the tale of his journey abroad if he wishes, but I guess I should spell out that as soon as we met, we were familiar. I mean that in the most profound stretch of the word. He just lit me right up, his ways, his energy. He lights everybody up, no matter who they are. We spent lots of time working together, talking, moving in space around one another. His smell, his eyes, I realized with gravity that I was in love with him one day when I saw him curled up on the floor sleeping.

He lit Catfish up too, and they became friends, especially during the few months CH came to live with us. CF could see my glow on CH, and teasingly, with a smile, got me to admit it once Charlie left. I didn't feel like I was being subtle, but I never told Charlie outright. He was dealing with his own life and we hung on to each other’s hands, brother and sister, over the phone for a long time.

The fact that I was not free to tell Charlie the way he made me feel broke my heart at first. My life was not such that I had any right to tell him, and I’m glad I didn’t. Instead, I loved him by listening, by being there even if he didn’t call for awhile, ready to smile. I loved him by getting to work on the holes in my life that made my attraction to him feel dirty to me, like I wanted to use him to solve my problems. He is much too precious for that, and so is Catfish. I took all the frustration out on myself in mostly productive ways and learned a lot about who I am.

Cut to September 2010. Catfish and I have been happy for a while now. We have taken responsibility for ourselves and each other in many new ways. On CF’s birthday, he is touring with his band and I am dug in at the retreat center I go to, praying, walking and listening. A dear friend had given me a gift certificate for a two-night stay there that she bought in a silent auction because I had talked about the place, and she was moving. I had quite an experience there (book). The morning I left, I had done with my unresolved feelings for CH. I felt so blessed and happy with my life exactly as it was, and a grateful joy settled in. The only way I can say it without going into the eternity of those two days is that I became a mother there and a child again, at the same time. My eyes changed.

A few days later Charlie called to say he was returning to the area for an indefinite period of time. And he did later that month. I got a good look at him after all that time without his eyes and his smile to make certain I wasn’t fooling myself, consulted Catfish, and freed myself to share a new part of myself with my friend Charlie (book). I am in love with my two best friends, the fulcrum between two astoundingly powerful and inherently passionate and free men, - yes, this is a rare life indeed.

Now, I have to wrap it up because CH is coming to stay at our house tonight, in his old room, and we are all three going to spend family time together. We are all writing like mad, singing, making things,- on fire. There have been many visits, one just the two of them overnight, and they love each other in a way I’ve never borne witness to between two men. We are all doing the most rewarding and staggering work of our lives, together and separately. My life has become so that I can’t even imagine what will happen the next day.

Yeah, it’s grandiose and euphoric, and we also sit through some very frightening emotions all the time in this learning process. I said outright that it was a weird art movie and oh, my loves, we are only at the beginning this life around.

Dang.
-R
 
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Thanks for sharing, Rarechild. It is beautiful when it all comes together and as long as we remember that we are ever-evolving, thereby, involved in an ever-evolving journey, we can continue to grow in our circumstances and, hopefully, burst anew with more love, insight, unity, and freedom. The best to you, CF, and CH. *hugs*
 
The next day

My life has become so that I can’t even imagine what will happen the next day.

The correct answer is: Charlie and I would get t-boned by a pickup truck going 50mph. The truck carried a very nice man and his teenage daughter. It was my fault, my mistake. All four of us got up out of our totaled cars intact. Charlie stayed with us until Monday morning(4 nights when we had planned one), and we three are rocked,- but oh, so very alive.
 
"T-boned" : verb, past tense

Parlance of the times, when one vehicle hits another perpendicular to its path of travel.
 
My Family

We've had another family visit this weekend, Catfish, Charlie and I. I'll go backwards with my story because my head is still a little thick from last night, when I allowed myself to drink some whiskey and let my self-control slip a minute.

I want to say something about my experience posting on this forum with the title of "moderator" under my name. Please ignore it when I am posting about my life. All it means is that I have some tasks to perform on this forum that most of you don't have to worry about. I am in love with two beautiful and complicated men who are working so hard with me to normalize what is a first experience for all of us. I don't know how to do this, so I feel how to do this, and hope that the risks I am taking will continue to be rewarded. In other words, I need help as much as the next polywog.

The whiskey was after a wake that CF and I attended last evening. A crush of people lifting up a friend of ours who lost his wife about a month ago. I did not know her well, but the experience of being the husband's friend through his experience of accepting that she was sick and would die, his waiting with her though hospital and hospice, and finally his fulfillment of her wishes that we have a party rather than a funeral for her has affected CF and I deeply, and made us think about terrible and wonderful things. CF sang and played his banjo with the guys-it meant so much to our friend, as he and his wife love the band's music and their pub has been the guys' home bar for several years now.

I stood with our friend as CF was playing, and as always, he expressed how much the music means to him. I had my arm around him, watching my husband rock out and shine his glorious smile all over everyone that came to celebrate her life, and I fell in love with him more, more, more. Happens all the time. He is so beautiful. I can't ever imagine loving him any more than I do at any given point, but then the next day happens, and I find out that yes, it's both possible and unavoidable. That this will be the case every day of my life until I too go out with a bang is just the truth.

Charlie left in the afternoon. He stayed with us three nights for some serious family time. Catfish has described from his perspective the first night when we went to a concert in a beautiful theater here in town and listened to one of my favorite bands.

I have this overwhelming feeling sometimes when I am physically between the two of them of being a magnet suspended between two other magnets, held hovering between my love and attraction for both of them. It is a bit of a paralyzing feeling. When one of them walks away, I connect with force to the other, reassuring, exchanging the private eye contact and touch that I will not share, out of respect, in front of the other.

I stood for most of the concert, and had a hand on both of them most of the time, knowing CF was hurting, but unable and unwilling to waste the beauty of being with both of them doing something I enjoy so much. I did not want to allow CF's mood to overtake me, but at the same time, both Charlie and I were very aware of it, and took care of him the best we could.

I know that ignoring Charlie for the sake of Catfish is wrong. It would reinforce CF's negative feelings about the situation, and would be unfair to both Charlie and I, who are not sorry to anyone for loving each other. Catfish is the last person I would hide my feelings for Charlie from, and it works just the same in reverse. They are both my equals, and I am determined to treat them both like the strong people that they are, with much respect, and no lying, not anymore, not even in a gesture held back for the sake of peace or placating.

As I tell them both often, I am not fucking around.

After the concert, when CF wanted me to go to bed with him right away and I told him as lovingly as I could that I did not want to, wanted to stay up with Charlie, I know it hurt, but he respected it. When I accidentally fell asleep with Charlie and caused CF to wake up alone in the wee hours, I know that hurt worse on top of everything CF was already feeling. It was a mistake and I'm sorry it happened. It was an unnecessary hurt that I know I could have prevented.

It is so hard to leave one of them to go be alone with the other, especially when we are all in the same house. It feels wrong. I have to force myself. I can, I know I have to, but it makes me cry every time. Same thing happens when I leave one of them to go to see the other overnight (CF and I live two and a half hours away from Charlie). I tear myself away and try to leave with a brave smile, and wait until I am alone in the car to cry.

When I am crying, I tell myself that I am glad that I can bear this weight to help them both be free men, free to love me, free to choose to do this work alone and with me, free to find happiness for themselves. For myself, the tears are part of the price for my own freedom, and I honor them, because I love myself.

Charlie went to work with me the next day(Friday) to help out with a project. When we got home, CF wanted to talk, so we sat around the fire and had some very hard conversations, along with laughter, dreaming, questions and deep hurts and desires surfacing everywhere.

I consciously held my own thoughts at bay for the most part, wanting the two of them to have the floor. The hardest part for me was sitting between them, listening to their deepest fears and feelings of incompleteness come out as we talked about how we all have doubts about ourselves from way back, and how being in this relationship brings it all up, every last piece of unfinished business.

I was that hovering magnet again, sitting between them on pillows on the floor, listening to the two most wonderful people I know express painful things about the darkness of their inner monologue. I wanted to knock their heads together at one point, to argue with them, to say "NO! You're fucking wrong about yourself, you are so amazing, etc..", but I knew they needed to tell each other that they were the same, human, with doubts, equals, and I listened, holding back tears for the pain that they felt safe enough to reveal.

We slept together that night. I held them and they held me, and the magnets came together. I did not have to leave one to be with the other. I am so grateful that they both allowed this to happen. It felt so good, and it meant so much to me to be able to sleep in peace with their heat on either side of me.

When we woke up butt-early the next morning, the closeness of the night made me feel safe to tell them how I was struggling as the hinge in this family. Most of the time I feel like I should never have a complaint or issue beyond missing the one I am not physically with when I am apart from them. I break through this sometimes when I am alone with one of them, but hadn't done so with all of us in the same room before Saturday morning. They gave me the floor and let me tell them that it was hard for me too. They would not accept my bearing anything alone, no matter the intention or reason. Of course, my love increased again. Our closeness as three increased again. We learned more about how to love each other this way-how to live this life that we have all chosen and take care of one another, take care of ourselves.

After that conversation, when Charlie and I got back from welding all day, we all went out for dinner and had a great time. When we got home, CF wanted to go right to bed again, and I knew he wanted me to come with him straight away again, but I wanted to stay up again, and so I did. After spending some time with Charlie, I made sure not to fall asleep, and tore myself away from him to snuggle in with CF at a reasonable hour.

Sunday morning was lazy and comfy, in our jammies, drinking coffee and watching a movie together (really good movie- "Winter's Bone") before Charlie left for home in the afternoon and we got ready for the wake/party.

I am out of time. I am full of love. I still have a foggy head from the whiskey, but I am looking forward to a massage at 2 and class later on. Catfish is making dinner for us. Charlie is home safe, and I look forward to his voice on the phone, his words on my computer screen, the next plan to get together.

-R
 
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Thank you, forum friends, for being good to my family. The help we receive here means so much to me.
 
A user's guide to managing the majic and the awesomeness

Aren't we blessed, those of us whose first thought is of Love every morning?!

Valentine's Day- I don't think that my life could get any more romantic than it is, or I would float right off the planet and be gloriously lost in the ether. I already have a hard time keeping my spirit somewhat grounded to my physical body. What an excellent problem to have.

I can hardly stand to sit back and look at my Love. It is too perfect, it is built for eternity and transforms me into the hand of the Universe, all the time building fire that will never be quenched.

The three of us were out having dinner a couple of weeks ago, and ran into a friend of mine, my former philosophy professor, who was out on a date also. She was full of joy to see me out with my loves, having heard about my journey all along during our weekly visits in her faculty office over the last two years.

She was telling us about her new camera, and invited the three of us out to her farm to be photographed together.

Give candy to each other, lovers, you enjoy sweets much more than I do. As for flowers, we will walk the earth and find them where they live, alive and at home in their glory.

I want the photographs of us for a love gift. I want to see what we look like together through her lens in the Spring sunshine. I want to give that gift to you. The beauty of us made startlingly new though the eyes of another precious person. We are Art, and I want us three to stand back and wonder at our loveliness together in this way.

More Love than I knew I had the strength to give myself and both of you,

-R
 
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