When do you tell new SOs?

baughb

New member
Being very new to all of this, I am naturally full of questions. I understand that in the end probably all my questions are ultimately situation based and there is no 'right' answer, but stories of experience always are insightful.

So, I have been dating R for about 2 months, and as his secondary, I was excited about still being able to explore relationships with others. I have been on a couple dates with A, and it's still up in the air, but the possibility that the dates could continue is a definite one. So, at what point do you tell someone new that you are involved with another person as well? On one hand it would seem odd or intimidating to unload that kind of info the first time you meet someone, especially if it ends up going nowhere, on the other, I can see how some might consider it deceptive. I mean, you don't normally introduce yourself to someone and immediately ask them how they feel about open relationships.

Additionally, have any of you ever been in a situation like the above with someone who may seem intrigued by the idea but possibly have a hard time getting past the idea that what youre looking for is not swinging or the 'limited quantity' love idea?
 
All of my potential SOs know right of the bat. I'm married, that's an important piece of information about me, and I have a semi-serious boyfriend which is also an important piece of information about me. Both people are essentially a part of me and hiding them is straight up deceptive. I won't even go on one date with someone without him/her knowing about my relationship status(es).

That's just me, though. If I was only in a secondary-type relationship that WASN'T a definitive part of my life, I may wait a bit longer. I doubt it, but maybe.
 
Everyone knows before we ever go on a date.
I'm married with a long term, live in boyfriend and children.

I don't date anyone before they know all of that.
 
I tell new people right away. I would tell my spouse that i met someone new at the earliest opportunity (before or after anything "happens") and i would tell my other partner(s) whenever it seems right to me. Once someone knows i have open relationships i don't consider it necessary to "warn" them that i "might" become involved with a new person. But when i do, it isn't a big deal to mention it.
 
So, at what point do you tell someone new that you are involved with another person as well?

You've been on a couple of dates and are connecting with this person, yet your other partner has never come up? I would find it difficult to not bring up IV after having been on a couple of dates with someone, even if it was my intention to withhold that information for some reason.

It's a non-issue for me though, because I am not going to get involved with someone who doesn't know that I am strictly non-monogamous. If it doesn't come up in our first meeting I'll make sure that it does in the second (though it'll come up in our first meeting). There is no reason for me to treat someone as if they were positive about non-monogamy unless I get some kind of confirmation. I live in a society of conservative monogamous people so meeting someone who doesn't fit that mold is unlikely.

It is loud and proud on my OKCupid profile, for example. Given the option I'd rather not even *begin* to engage someone romantically without them knowing that about me.

As far as informing my current partners about who I'm dating and how that is going - if I think they would find the information interesting then I'll tell them. They don't have any 'right' to know anything about it, so that isn't the motivation... I generally discuss most aspects of my life with my romantic loved ones and who I'm dating isn't any different.

Additionally, have any of you ever been in a situation like the above with someone who may seem intrigued by the idea but possibly have a hard time getting past the idea that what youre looking for is not swinging or the 'limited quantity' love idea?

The number of hurdles a person needs to get past to be ok with non-monogamy are numerous and impressive. Talk to enough people and you'll find all manner of silly assumptions.
 
Umm... before the first date anything else is extremely dishonest.
 
Thanks for the replies, everyone. I think I have yet to mention to A about my relationship with R because a) I'm naturally a private person so I'm wary about sharing certain pieces of info about my life with a lot of people in general. and b) even though I feel a possible connection with A, it still feels like its on the casual fence (i.e. it could fizzle any time).

I DID however let R know about my dates with A, and answered any questions he had about him or if he had been intimate, etc. I am extremely adamant about honesty between us, so I would absolutely tell him about any activites that may factor into our relationship at any point, because he knows I would want the same.
 
You worry about your feelings...
R's feelings....

How about A's feelings...?
 
I see what you're saying. I think I haven't considered that because A and I have been acquaintances for years, and I know that A has casually dated several women at one time previously himself, and has always been upfront about his wants so I guess I assumed if he was ever interested in moving things to a more serious place he would indicate that to me.

As of right now, our dates have been so sparse that I'm not even sure when I'll see him next, let alone if I'll have to tell him.
 
a) I'm naturally a private person so I'm wary about sharing certain pieces of info about my life with a lot of people in general. and b) even though I feel a possible connection with A, it still feels like its on the casual fence (i.e. it could fizzle any time).

You've set up a lose-lose situation here unless A miraculously turns out to be in favor of your relationship choices. You don't want to share the details with "a lot of people", but what about the people who are likely to be affected by said details?

What happens if the two of you develop feelings for each other? Once the "I really think you're great and this has a chance" all googly eyed at each other you plan to tell them *then* that you have another partner and are not monogamous? Do you see how your withholding this information can cause the other person harm? ... at the very least it's rude to waste someones time like that when you know the odds of their having compatible values are low.

I'm with Dag, it sounds like you are giving your own and your partners feelings due respect but are casually ignoring the impact you might have on this other person. I encourage you to do some thinking on that.
 
A and I have been acquaintances for years, and I know that A has casually dated several women at one time previously himself, and has always been upfront about his wants.

That does change the nature of the conversation quite a bit, but still I don't see any reason to put it off if... but I'm not in the closet so my opinion may not be relevant in this situation.
 
Thanks for the imput. I'll definitely keep it in mind... if I ever have another date with A. At the rate we're going, it's been a month since we had a date, might be another before the next.. it might end up being a non issue. But helpful things to remember for the future. It is very easy for me to forget about the emotions of someone I'm not invested in (I realize that sounds harsh, but it's the easiest truth).
 
I am not in the "must have a rule to tell them right away" camp. I think it depends on how you approach dating. To me, I would feel like I'm being a little conceited if I had to make an announcement that I am seeing other people before even going out with someone. "I know you want me, so here's the deal." It seems premature and somewhat presumptuous, if I don't even know whether I will hit it off with someone or not. I wanna see if there's a mutual attraction and compatibility first.

But that is mostly because I am a solo poly person, not partnered, and I don't look at dating as a way to audition someone for a long-term relationship. I look at a date as a way to spend some time and get to know someone. I don't think it's necessary to get into a heavy discussion about life, love, and relationships on a first date - in fact, I've found that talking about that shit is usually a mood killer for most guys.

Of course, I would answer any questions or respond if the other person brought it up, or bring it up myself if it felt appropriate to our conversation at a given moment, but I don't feel like it's an obligation on my part to get it out of the way immediately, nor deceptive if I do not. I can't stand when people get all judgy about that. For married polyfolk, of course, dating is an entirely different ballgame!

I prefer to just go out and enjoy being out with someone, see if I enjoy their company, and let the conversation flow where it may! There are plenty of times I've gone out on dates and the topic of dating and/or relationships just never came up because we were involved in talking about other things - there's a lot going on in the world!

In my experience, I have broached the subject of non-exclusivity (I rarely use the word "polyamory") in a variety of situations - on a first date, a second date, a third date, and even after waking up next to the guy in the morning. The key for me is, I tell them when I begin sense that we like each other a lot and want to keep seeing each other and move toward becoming something. I really don't see it as necessary before that point.

By the way, there have been several discussions on this before. If you want to read some more viewpoints from older threads, here are some to start you off:

When and how do you tell them?

Online Dating...When to Mention Poly?

Time to tell a new partner you're in a relationship?

How do you bring up poly?

Telling a non-poly "date" about myself

How/when to bring up an interest in poly?
 
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thank you for the links! I will definitely read those. I'm kind of message board inept and forget about searching.
 
I am not in the "must have a rule to tell them right away" camp. I think it depends on how you approach dating.

That's a fair clarification. In my life, the fact that I am a skeptic, individualist, atheist, and non-monogamist are all closely related and the source of these states is a fundamental part of who I am. So for me it isn't about how long I plan on dating someone necessarily, but even if I'm meeting a new friend there is no point in my putting off discussing these ideas. I want to know what makes them tick and if they want to know what makes me tick - these topics are almost certainly going to come up. I mean, if we're having fun talking about movies and the weather (or whatever) then awesome, but there is just no way that with any amount of communication that IV and my starkly skeptical world view aren't going to become readily apparent.

As I learned more about the position of the OP, that she really had almost no contact with this person and they don't mean anything to her, that she was simply asking hypothetically, I realized it was a non-issue. I don't make a point to tell casual acquaintances and strangers anything "on purpose" as I don't really care what they think. I presumed that since there was a topic about it we were talking about more than casual acquaintance but that was incorrect.
 
For me-I am already busy with responsibilities to two other live-in loves and 2 children. So my time is not my own.
BUT even if I were a single poly, I wouldn't date without ensuring upfront that they know I am not interested in a monogamous relationship-period.
I don't want to get emotionally attached to someone with expectatiions i know in advance I can't fulfill.
 
Just because i am not "solo" does not mean i only consider "serious" relationships. Just because people know i am in open relationships right away doesn't mean i am "auditioning" them. I do not "look for" people "to date". It's like what LR said in that other thread you moved into a blog, i can't reemember what it was but it was right on.

Seriously though. I am so hot right now everyone wonders what my deal is. I am not making this up. I am just telling it like it is. At least one person on here knows i am not exaggerating.
 
I have only read page 1 but there are ethical issues here. What about if A wouldn't of had these dates with you if A knew you were otherwise attached? To me, you have invalidated the consensual part of consensual non monogamy.
 
It's good to get clear on how people view dating when they ask questions like this. There was a very, very long thread on the forums at OKC where people discussed what dating means to them. There were posts predominantly from both Americans and Europeans. It became quite obvious that, for most of the people who weighed in from Europe and the UK, the word "dating" means something different from what it means to many Americans (I don't recall if there were any posts from Canadians or people in other continents).

All the Europeans who posted to that thread said that dating is something you do after you have some sort of a commitment to a relationship. Lots of Americans think of it as spending time with someone before there is a commitment. It's basically a "try out" period, during which one figures out whether or not they want to move forward to something more serious. To many Americans, dating can include brief, casual meetings for coffee or a cocktail, going out to dinner, a visit to a museum, etc., just to get to know someone.

In that thread, most of the Europeans said they would never call a meeting to have coffee with someone a "date." They don't think of going to the movies with someone you're still getting to know as "dating." To them, dating is something you do when it's already "serious" or "committed."

But, although it seems that most Americans see it as a try-out period, I remember there was a fair amount of people who also see dating as something to do without trying to make it more serious. Dating as an activity, I guess you can say. You go out and do things together, and can be sexually involved, without having any commitment to a long term relationship. That's why I say I don't use dates as auditions for a larger role in my life. I just like dating as a way to get out and meet people, do fun things, and enjoy the other's company without pushing toward a goal. Then there are also many Americans who have more of the European view (or at least, the European view as expressed in that discussion) and don't date unless there is the intention to become serious.

To say it's not consensual or ethical if the person isn't told right way seems to imply some sort of assumption that a kind of commitment exists beforehand. If it's just a casual get-to-know-you period, I don't see how not mentioning it right away is necessarily unethical. I may not have remembered everything I read in that OKC thread exactly right, but I do think that one's views on what constitutes "dating" is one factor (the other being whether one is married or not) in how soon you tell someone you are non-monogamous.
 
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