Dealing with loneliness in a polyfidelous vee

BelleInconnue

New member
Hi everyone,
It's been quite a while since I posted here. I'm in a polyfidelous vee with my married boyfriend (they also have a preteen kid who doesn't know the true nature of our relationship but knows we love each other as close friends/family; she and I also get along very well). Anyway, 8 months ago I moved to the town where my lover lives after having lived an hour and a half away while in college (2nd career--I'm not that young lol) and rented an apartment very close nearby, which has worked out nicely. We see each other several days a week most weeks.

We have such a deep connection and special love relationship and enjoy every aspect of our relationship physically, emotionally, and mentally, but I end up feeling lonely when I don't see him for a few days and he is spending time away with his family on vacation or whatnot. I am aware enough to realize that I cannot look for all my happiness in another person and I need to have my own life, especially in this sharing situation. I also do try to embrace some Buddhist principles of nongrasping and meditation, which have helped me in my life in other ways, but sometimes it is still a struggle.

Therefore, I think what I'd like is to meet other poly people for friendship (not looking for anything more) with whom to share and relate to as I'm in the closet at work and we are in the closet in our town and with his daughter for various reasons (mainly being the parents' choice and not wanting grandparents to find out--ugh). There are poly groups here in South Florida, where I live, but I'm reticent to attend because I'm not sure if it is mainly a place to "hook up," which I'm not really interested in right now. Somtimes I wonder if it is something I should be open to--having another relationship--but it just seems too complicated and I'm not sure my motives would be right and I don't just want to have another person as a "filler"--I value people more than that.

I love my boyfriend madly and am so happy with him as a person and we intend to have a lifelong commitment--his wife is my friend as well and we all get along very well. However, I'm new to poly and still have the old monogamous programming in ways where it feels weird not to live with my life partner, not to go on family vacations with him and to be in the closet to some of his family still, etc. That part does get a little tiresome. Anyway, since I am happy with my relationship otherwise and there is nothing I can do about the other circumstances I mentioned since all 3 of us need to be in agreement on everything, I feel it is pretty clear that I need to develop a social life of my own in order to be fulfilled, especially being the new person in town and not having local friends. I don't want to constantly hide who I really am with friends though so I think it might be nice to meet other poly people. I have acquaintances at my job, but of course when they ask about my personal life, I remain tight lipped or, worse, lie about my boyfriend (he's single, no kids, etc.). I'm willing to do that because I can't afford to be out at my job as it is in the medical field, but I get tired of not having anyone to relate to. So, I'm starting here on this forum trying to meet "friends" with whom to talk to and share with. It would be nice if there were also local people in Boca-Ft. Lauderdale-Miami area with whom to get together sometimes, especially women (I'm straight and just looking for friends with whom to relate). Anyway, thanks for listening to this long, drawn-out post. I really appreciate you folks on this forum and am very grateful to have this place to vent and share! ;)
 
Hello,

I'm not going to try to talk you into finding additional partners, as you don't seem interested in building another romantic relationship. Nevertheless, is there any way you can be a fuller part of your partner's life? It's taken me years, but steps have been consistently taken along the way to draw each other fully into our lives, family, friends, etc. For example, he recently told his parents about me. For your part, the pre teen daughter? She might be old enough to know the truth about you. Maybe not say you're his lover, that could be weird. But just a family meeting where she's told, formally, that you will be "joining the family."

It might help you feel less lonely, as I get the sense, despite the love and fulfillment you get, that you still feel on the side...
 
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There are poly groups here in South Florida, where I live, but I'm reticent to attend because I'm not sure if it is mainly a place to "hook up," which I'm not really interested in right now.

Were you given some indication that the poly groups in your area were primarily for "hookups"? Or is this just fear of the unknown filling in the blanks for you?

If you want to know what the deal is with a group it is easy enough to send the moderator of that group an email. It is likely that each group has a different overall appeal so I would suggest checking with all of them (if finding poly friends is your interest).

Avoiding them because they *might not* be in line with your interests will probably not result in meaningful friendships with new people (the thing that you expressed as your desire).
 
loneliness..

Hi Poly,
Thanks for the reply. To be honest, things are moving along but just at a much slower pace than I had imagined as far as telling his daughter and others knowing (I admit, patience isn't my strongest point :)) He has already had the talk about me being part of the family and that we all love each other with his daughter and she is very happy about that and loves me. She just doesn't know I'm his girlfriend per se, just thinks we are very close friends/family, which of course is great. I think what's going on with me is that his daughter is off school for the summer and now we have to keep our "friends hats" on all the time because she will be with him every day during the day when she would have been in school otherwise. We had our time during the week during the day, as I said, so it will be a big change. Just feeling a bit bummed at losing some intimacy due to the summer vaca, though I know he will work it out to see me sometimes at night. He will tell her who I am to him for real in the future, no doubt--he just doesn't feel it is time yet, esp. since they worry about the wife's parents knowing for their own reasons of discomfort as the daughter will likely spill the beans and they don't feel right having her keep a secret, which I do get. As far as other family knowing, his mother and father know and like me and accept our situation, as well as my mother and sister feel the same. I suppose sometimes when we all go out together (the 4 of us--him, his wife, his daughter, and me) I end up feeling awkward because we can't truly be ourselves and have to be "friends". He does hug me and kiss me on the cheek in front of his daughter and rub my shoulders, etc. Maybe I'm just splitting hairs but it does bug me that he can be openly relational with his wife and they can hold hands, etc., in public when we are all out but he and I can't. I guess I just need to find a healthy way of dealing with those feelings because I understand the reasoning and I don't want any issues either since the in-laws and other people in the community they are not out to may see us and it would cause more trouble than it's worth.
 
To Marcus

Good idea on sending a message to the moderator--I guess I am making some assumptions and operating from "fear of the unknown" since this is all new territory for me anyway. Thanks for the viewpoint. I think I'll do what you suggested.
 
As far as making new local friends via Polyamory.com is concerned, you might want to read/post on our Dating & Friendships subforum. Other than that Marcus gave good advice so give that a try.

Re (from BelleInconnue):
"He will tell her [his daughter] who I am to him for real in the future, no doubt -- he just doesn't feel it is time yet ..."

Right, but when would it be time? because telling her will always have an element of risk, just as telling anyone does. I could assume he'll tell her after she's grown up and moved out, but I'd rather not assume. What's his plan?

Coming out to one's various relatives is a task one can easily put off indefinitely. Without a definite plan (a date on which people will be told), there's not a lot to count on in that area (from my perspective). Sometimes the best you can do is resign yourself to assuming the role of "just a friend -- a close friend but just a friend." It may end up being a permanent state of things, much as it sucks for me to say that.

I wonder if maybe he could come and visit you during the daytime sometimes over the Summer months. Just because his daughter's out of school doesn't mean he has to be at home all the time, does it?

In any case, it is temporary. Summer is temporary, and the years in which his daughter will be living at home with him are also temporary. So that's one part you won't always have to deal with.

Here's to finding new friends in the meantime.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My Dude has expressed some of the same discomforts that you have...I have to be "in the closet" due to my career as well - too bad he doesn't post here. Despite him being invited to "family functions" he feels awkward because he has to restrain his natural tendencies. (He's a really touchy-feely guy...I don't notice as much because I I restrained in front of my family anyway...so I wouldn't be comfortable with PDAs...even with MrS.)

We have attended a few Meet-Ups in our area - they didn't really feel like hook-up/meat-market events - but weren't really my cup of tea. I'm an introvert... and there was a significant "kink" bent. Since Lotus (and her husband) have come into our lives I don't really feel the need to socialize with other polys. (For the record, I ended up going to the first MeetUp due to a connection I made on OKC...you can use it to make friends as well as dating partners.)

JaneQ

PS. I should add that we are not permanently closed...which changes the dynamic, I think.
 
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Trying OKCupid

I recently saw a few listings on OKCupid for people in my area who are poly and looking for new friends (some also looking for more.) I don't know what your area's matches might look like, but you could try creating a bare-bones profile to see if there are other people in your area who are poly and open to just making new friends. I met a wonderful woman that way, my first out-and-proud poly friend. It is helpful to have someone to talk to that you don't have to be so careful with!
 
Hi everyone,

I think what I'd like is to meet other poly people for friendship (not looking for anything more) with whom to share and relate to as I'm in the closet at work and we are in the closet in our town and with his daughter for various reasons (mainly being the parents' choice and not wanting grandparents to find out--ugh). There are poly groups here in South Florida, where I live, but I'm reticent to attend because I'm not sure if it is mainly a place to "hook up," which I'm not really interested in right now. Somtimes I wonder if it is something I should be open to--having another relationship--but it just seems too complicated and I'm not sure my motives would be right and I don't just want to have another person as a "filler"--I value people more than that.

I love my boyfriend madly and am so happy with him as a person and we intend to have a lifelong commitment--his wife is my friend as well and we all get along very well. However, I'm new to poly and still have the old monogamous programming in ways where it feels weird not to live with my life partner, not to go on family vacations with him and to be in the closet to some of his family still, etc. That part does get a little tiresome. Anyway, since I am happy with my relationship otherwise and there is nothing I can do about the other circumstances I mentioned since all 3 of us need to be in agreement on everything, I feel it is pretty clear that I need to develop a social life of my own in order to be fulfilled, especially being the new person in town and not having local friends. I don't want to constantly hide who I really am with friends though so I think it might be nice to meet other poly people. I have acquaintances at my job, but of course when they ask about my personal life, I remain tight lipped or, worse, lie about my boyfriend (he's single, no kids, etc.). I'm willing to do that because I can't afford to be out at my job as it is in the medical field, but I get tired of not having anyone to relate to. So, I'm starting here on this forum trying to meet "friends" with whom to talk to and share with. It would be nice if there were also local people in Boca-Ft. Lauderdale-Miami area with whom to get together sometimes, especially women (I'm straight and just looking for friends with whom to relate). Anyway, thanks for listening to this long, drawn-out post. I really appreciate you folks on this forum and am very grateful to have this place to vent and share! ;)

Hi!
I can totally relate. We are not out to anyone, so I really don't have anyone to talk to outside of the relationship, other than to share my thoughts on this board. Plus we moved to South Florida a little over a year ago from Orlando and I haven't really made any local friends. I have thought about attending some of the poly meet-ups but am a little nervous as I am straight/mono [husband is poly] and would just be going for friendship. Plus I am a bit on the shy side. Feel free to send me a PM if you ever want to chat!
 
I have thought about attending some of the poly meet-ups but am a little nervous as I am straight/mono [husband is poly] and would just be going for friendship. Plus I am a bit on the shy side.

I can understand the shyness, but... umm, you know, there are lots of straight poly people! And not just the men. I can't speak for your local group, of course, but don't assume that everyone is bisexual and looking to jump someone's, anyone's, bones.

If I were you, I'd contact the organizer of the group near you and ask what kind of atmosphere is supported there. Is it based on an activity or lecture, purely social, or a mixer where making advances is allowed or encouraged, etc. In NYC, there's a group that always says if you're shy, come up to the organizers (wearing a badge) and hang with them a while, and they will introduce you to people.
 
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