Starting my poly life

I have a theory that he wants me there so I can tell her he likes her if the situation warrants it, because he won't do it himself ;)
 
Back from a day and a half with Sean!

I finally got to meet him after being in a long-distance relationship for about two months (wow, it feels like longer). I was nervous before the trip and during the trip... Meeting someone from the first time after knowing them online only can be hit or miss. There is so much that is about the connection, the way things feel, that you only get in person...

It was a bit awkward for all of five minutes :p He was waiting outside of the Greyhound station, we hugged, climbed into his car, went to the hotel and I took a shower.
Then we kissed and snuggled some more, and from that point onward it was like we had been in a face to face relationship from the start. It all felt very natural.
We talked and snuggled a lot. We were both exhausted so we didn't really get to do much. Watched some DVDs, ate out... We also had sex, which was great, and slept together (as in, actually sleeping).

A day and a half isn't much, but it added a new dimension to our relationship. As close as I felt to him, meeting in person is a needed step for me to be in a "real" relationship, to have something to show for it, if I'm making any sense.

What helps is that we already know when we're seeing again: he's coming in December (he'll meet Rag for the first time then). I think having the next meetup planned even before we had this one is something that made me feel much better when we had to part. There is something to look forward to, plans, something stable.

It was hard saying goodbye, as happy as I was to go back to my husband. I'm sure every hinge has felt that at some point. I'm glad next time will be with all three of us... Although I wonder what the dynamics will be like then :)
I'm sure the guys will get along though, they already are after all. I'm very happy about the trip and excited about the next one. Now to start planning the one after that...
 
Yay! Glad it went so well.
 
As Tonberry mentioned, over the weekend (well, Monday actually, but it was a day off for me so it's close enough) we had J over for dinner.

The evening went quite well, J seemed impressed with the food, especially that I'd made greek salad, which is one of her favorites. She and Tonberry got along, and one of our cats really took a liking to her too.

Afterwards, though... I'm at a complete loss for how to procede. She has an open invitation to come by again for dinner after work, but I can't tell if she'll take me up on it, and I'm nervous about pressing in case things go south as a result.

I also found out that some of her family are trying to set her up with people or push her to find someone, so I have this nagging fear that I might lose my opportunity if she does meet another guy as a result.

I'm hoping that I'll find the time to mentally sort things out, to be able to slow down enough to work past the anxiety and figure out what I can do, but between working full time and starting a three month course that might be difficult. I'm just glad I have Tonberry to help, I don't know what I'd do without her support.

There's also the little matter that if I do start dating J we'll likely have to come out to my family, which will be interesting to say the least. I know I'll have to eventually anyways, but I'd rather not rush it if we don't have to.

So to sum up, things seem to be going well, but I'm a nervous wreck anyways. Odd how when I phrase it that way my first thought is that it sums up my character pretty well for life in general.
 
Some confusing events have occured.
The diner was great, J is nice, funny, and we hit it off nicely.

However lately she has been sending interesting messages. There is the possibility that she is joking, of course, but by how much? Is it all based on something?

Yesterday Rag talked about it's good that I'm good with money because he isn't. She asked if she could marry me, too, so I'd help her with her money.
Today she asked Rag how he'd feel about being a bigamist.

It seems to me she has polyamory on her mind... when she was over she mentioned a dream in which her mother had many husbands.

I'm mostly confused about the joke about marrying ME, which in itself wouldn't be something I look at twice. But I'm wondering, now, if she's realised Rag likes her and thinks we both want a relationship with her? Romantically I mean. I'm only interested in men, but if she didn't mean that way it will be weird to tell her so... And I don't want to stop being friendly with her, either.

Either way, I think it's rather positive that she's been joking about it. It seems to me she's trying to bring the subject in one way or other.
 
Confusion sums up my feelings quite nicely... in fact yesterday seems like one giant moment of "wait... what the hell just happened?"

After Tonberry made her post, I had some time alone with J due to our other coworker having to leave early during the part of the day that's pretty much down time, so we started talking. I told her a bit about the trip Tonberrry and I have planned for her after she gets her permanent residency in Canada to go spend a month in California, omitting the part about it being to see her boyfriend. She responded with "well what do I get after I get rid of this cold?" and I offered to take her out to dinner, which she didn't think was fair because Tonberry gets a trip to California. I made a joke about scale, and we eventually decided that when I got back from vacation I'll take her out to dinner to reward her for not killing the coworker whom she, I and one of our coworkers have dubbed Captain Grumpy Pants (the captain part was my contribution).

So... I'm not entirely sure, but I think I asked J out on a date and she said yes.
 
I'm mostly confused about the joke about marrying ME, which in itself wouldn't be something I look at twice. But I'm wondering, now, if she's realised Rag likes her and thinks we both want a relationship with her? Romantically I mean. I'm only interested in men, but if she didn't mean that way it will be weird to tell her so... And I don't want to stop being friendly with her, either.

Either way, I think it's rather positive that she's been joking about it. It seems to me she's trying to bring the subject in one way or other.

I had a thought about this earlier this morning, and I think a part of the missing context is important... there was a mutual friend of J and myself in the room. J is straight as well, so she could joke about marrying Tonberry freely and have it be "safe", but when she made the bigamy comment she and I were the only ones in earshot... it might not be significant, but who knows?

I also suspect that J might know I'm in an open marriage. While I haven't come out yet, I've been testing the waters with a couple of... let's say poly friendly comments at work, to which she's mostly responded in neutral to positive ways, although jokingly in each circumstance. J has a great sense of humour though (which is the biggest reason I'm attracted to her), so she jokes about a lot of things and I can't take it as a dismissal of the concept.

Maybe I'm overthinking this, overthinking is my forté, but a little optimism can't hurt.
 
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New update: J's and Rag's coworker with the same position as J is going to have to take a few days off for medical reasons, and J is replacing him. As a result, she's working without days off, and Rag invited her to supper tomorrow.

It's a short notice compared to last time, but I'm really glad the relationship keeps moving forward. There was a bit of a "now what?" feeling after she came for supper the first time, as we had no other plans with her and didn't know how to make them.

Hopefully with that and Rag and her "date" after we're back from Vancouver, the relationship will be given a chance to get closer, and we'll see what comes out of it :).
 
OMG! Excited for ya! Hope all goes well.:D

She hasn't confirmed yet that she's coming over, so I'm trying not to get my hopes too high.

I'm honestly not sure if I'm getting some mixed signals from her... today she seemed a lot less... flirty, I guess... than she was on Sunday, but there was another coworker in the room. I just don't know if I'm trying to hard to look for signals or what's going on.

All I know is that in the entire time Tonberry and I have had an open marriage J is the one person I have met about whom I've felt like I could have a real relationship with. I can imagine a future with her, much like I can imagine one for Tonberry and her boyfriend.

I guess I can tell I'm deeply attracted to J when she're feeling like death warmed over and I still think she's one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.
 
Since I haven't heard from her yet, I think it's safe to say J isn't coming for dinner. :(

Maybe I was a bit too forward and scared her off a bit?

EDIT: J's problem with her knees was acting up so she went straight home after work, and didn't think about the invitation to dinner. My imagination was just acting up again.
 
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I was talking to J over IM earlier today, she's been feeling sick so I've been doing what I can to take care of her. I remindered her that just because she doesn't have family living in town doesn't mean she doesn't have people that care about her, and she accepted it without comment, but did say she'd call if she needed anything.

I feel like I was setting myself up for a "just friends" comment and one never came, and I'm happy about that.

Tomorrow I'm going to put together a care package for her that I'll take to work, some homemade broth, homemade applesauce and some teas, along with a hand-knitted rabbit Tonberry made for her in her favorite colour (she was commenting all month that she wants to get a rabbit for her apartment, so I know she likes them).

I'm... also toying with the idea of commenting that Tonberry will miss Sean while we're away on vacation. Coming out to some coworkers isn't something I want to walk into lightly, but tomorrow I'll be working with the two people I really feel like I can trust at work (there has been some workplace drama, and in it I really learned who keeps their mouth shut). I'll be sleeping on it, but Tonberry has already told me that it's my decision when and to whom I'll come out at work regarding polyamoury.
 
I got to work today and gave J the rabbit which she loved... and the day went swiftly downhill from there.

She's met someone, and is waiting for him to call.


I'm completely at a loss... I don't know if I should tell her my feelings, if I should back off and hope she's happy with him or what I should do. I care about her and I'm genuinely happy for her, but at the same time it's eating me up inside.

Since Tonberry and I decided on an open marriage J is the one person I've met that I've thought I could have a relationship with, and now it seems like just so much wishful thinking on my part. I know I could have fallen in love with her given the chance.

I bottled it all up until I could get home from work, when I could just hug Tonberry and cry. I feel like an idiot for letting my hopes get too high, like I was stupid to believe she could be interested in me, and now I'm going to be completely depressed going into my vacation and I can't tell more than half the people I know why.

I'm going to go make myself something to eat and cry a little more so I can get it all out before I have to go back to work again... where I'll be spending six hours with J. It's not going to be an easy day.
 
Rag will say more when he's back from work tomorrow, but he's just called to tell me he came out to J and another coworker as poly.
His other coworker took it very well, J was apparently very surprised and said the usual "I couldn't do it but good for you".
He mentioned that I have a boyfriend, Sean and that he liked someone who didn't seem interested... J herself told him he should confess his feelings to that person, etc...

She genuinely doesn't seem to know he likes her. It's rather weird, it kept feeling like she was sending hints his way... No wonder he was so confused.

I don't think it's all lost but I can imagine the worry that he'd tell her he likes her and she would back up from their friendship or something... I guess we'll know more when he's home.
 
Tomorrow when I get home from work I'm going to send an e-mail to J telling her my feelings so she has some time to respond before I leave for vacation. She told me honesty is best, and if someone can't handle that then it was never meant to me, and I'm going to take her at her word.

I'd go into detail more, but I really don't feel up to more right now. I've had an emotionally exhausting day and feel like I have a lot more yet to come. I'll post when I can.
 
Tomorrow when I get home from work I'm going to send an e-mail to J telling her my feelings so she has some time to respond before I leave for vacation. .

You're a brave man Ragabash. Good luck and regardless, enjoy your vacation :)
 
Yes, he is very brave, and I try to be supportive, but to be honest it's hard for me too.
It's a very weird feeling. It's a combination of feeling as though I was the one in Rag's situation and seeing someone I love suffer without being able to do anything to help him, short of just being there.

At the same time, it's comforting to still have all the rest. It's good to know Rag and I have each other. It helps knowing we have Sean, too. I think one thing about polyamory is that even if things don't work out with a partner, you might still have a whole family supporting you (if you already have other partners and metamours). It really helps, because you can feel so alone in times like that.

It's a very weird situation for me, of course it's much worse for Rag, but hopefully I can take some of it on my shoulders. I remember a saying about being a couple, that said when you're a couple, sharing bad things make them only half as bad, sharing the good things make them twice as good.

I guess with polyamory you can also divide pains and multiply joys by more than two.
 
I reached the point last night where I realised I could either be happy for J that she met someone or I could feel sorry for myself... and it seems that thought was what I needed.
I really am happy for her, just as I would have been happy for her to have met someone if she and I had been dating. That shouldn't change just being she's only in my life as a friend.
I'm still planning to tell her how I feel, Tonberry is going to help me write the e-mail, and perhaps things will change. She met her interest through a dating service, so she isn't that close yet, and it's not like I'd be asking her to forget him in any case.
We'll see how it goes, but for now I'm feeling better.
 
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