StitchwitchD
New member
I thought about this, came up with a list of my needs and what I can and cannot deal with in a relationship, posted in on LJ, felt empowered, decided that if I'm going to be in a relationship, it is MY relationship too, and I should be able to make MY rules as a pre-condition for the relationship, and re-phrased the list into theses rules:
1. Don't worry that I'm going to "steal your husband"- I really like being in a household with more than 2 adults, so it's much more likely that I'll end up spending so much time at your house that it makes more sense for me to just move in. I'm very willing to do tons of laundry, so you might end up thinking this is a good thing.
2. You can set boundaries, and draw some new lines as new emotional minefields are encountered, but overall boundaries need to get progressively looser, not more restrictive.
3. I cannot be a dirty little secret. We can discuss who to tell, who not to tell, we don't need to list our relationship status on facebook so people we went to grade school with can be shocked by our "lifestyle", you don't have to try to explain polyamory to my Dad, but I can't deal with living my life in the closet.
4. If you're going to veto me, do it before I get involved with your partner. If you need to think it over before you're sure, I can wait, but I cannot be in a relationship with possible retro-active veto hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles.
5. We need to talk or IM or something, if anything is bothering you let me know.
6. Drama is bad, think things over before going off.
7. No relationship bonsai! Let it grow freely into whatever it's going to be, or don't bother planting the seed at all.
8. I get to love and be loved, and get to say so, and no one can freak out about this.
9. If/when the relationship gets labeled or that label gets changed, it will be an accurate descriptive label. If we cannot think of an word that accurately describes it, we will make one up. We will not mislabel K2 as a molehill to make it seem less scary.
1. Don't worry that I'm going to "steal your husband"- I really like being in a household with more than 2 adults, so it's much more likely that I'll end up spending so much time at your house that it makes more sense for me to just move in. I'm very willing to do tons of laundry, so you might end up thinking this is a good thing.
2. You can set boundaries, and draw some new lines as new emotional minefields are encountered, but overall boundaries need to get progressively looser, not more restrictive.
3. I cannot be a dirty little secret. We can discuss who to tell, who not to tell, we don't need to list our relationship status on facebook so people we went to grade school with can be shocked by our "lifestyle", you don't have to try to explain polyamory to my Dad, but I can't deal with living my life in the closet.
4. If you're going to veto me, do it before I get involved with your partner. If you need to think it over before you're sure, I can wait, but I cannot be in a relationship with possible retro-active veto hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles.
5. We need to talk or IM or something, if anything is bothering you let me know.
6. Drama is bad, think things over before going off.
7. No relationship bonsai! Let it grow freely into whatever it's going to be, or don't bother planting the seed at all.
8. I get to love and be loved, and get to say so, and no one can freak out about this.
9. If/when the relationship gets labeled or that label gets changed, it will be an accurate descriptive label. If we cannot think of an word that accurately describes it, we will make one up. We will not mislabel K2 as a molehill to make it seem less scary.