Arabella
New member
Minor struggle here, looking for opinions from strangers on the interwebz.
The hubby just ended a relationship with a woman I call D1. It was short and sweet, and burned out quickly, with her citing physical proximity and ability to get away from her two kids enough, and him struggling with her back and forth emotional instability. He's now interested in a woman I call D2, and is eager to jump right into that one, days after he ended it with D1.
Now, I am by nature a control... advocate? I don't wanna say freak. What I mean by this is that I'm very super-conscious of trying not to interfere in my husband's relationships. We got off to a rocky start in poly (who doesn't, really?) when he wanted (and I briefly gave him) veto power over the physical intimacy aspect to my relationship with my secondary, Mr. C. Since then, we've renegotiated boundaries/conditions/whathaveyou, and we realize that it's not right for either of us to demand/wield that kind of power and interference. So now, I kinda... well, I have issues with these two women that he's dated and will date.
The thing is, they're married, and cheating. Their husbands do not know and definitely would not approve of them sleeping with my husband. D1 said she had "tried" to talk to her husband about opening their marriage but he won't talk about it with her. That's not ploy to me, and that wouldn't be okay with me. And while DH felt uncomfortable with that, he still found it acceptable to the point where they went on a few dates and slept together, and even started saying "I love you," in text (and then broke up two weeks later. )
The problem I have with them being married largely has to do with safety. The way I see it, if they're cheating on their husbands, then it's slightly more likely that the husbands are cheating on them, making sexual activity with them a big risk. At the very least, it clearly shows that they don't communicate about these things, and that puts me at a big risk. I told Dear Hubby this, and only said that if he was going to engage in physical activity with them, I would refrain from having unprotected sex with him until he got tested (after each time.) Since this was not acceptable for him, he got angry with me for effectively controlling his relationship. I'd like to say that it wasn't the case, but... well... he makes his own decisions, he's a grown man.
D2, the woman he's looking to date now, is also married, and her husband also doesn't know and would be devastated if he found out. In addition to the safety of my sexual health, I also don't want an angry husband showing up on my doorstep one with a semi-automatic while I'm with our son, demanding to find out where my husband is; the man who's sleeping with his wife. I bring these things up to the Dear Hubby (DH), and he considers them and "thinks" about it, but it didn't seem to stop him last time and he dated D1 anyway. I have a feeling he's going to do the same with D2.
~~~~~~~~
I don't want to tell him who he can and cannot date. I know I can only respond accordingly with what fits my needs when he makes these choices that make me uncomfortable. But... what do I do if he dates her anyway, and I seriously am worried about Angry Husband on my Doorstep? I so much wish the hubby shared the same morals as I do about not being a homewrecker, but I've BTDT before, and he's had precious little relationship experience before me anyway, so this is all new to him. I feel like I'm raining on his parade when I say that every woman that takes an interest in him I want to veto (even though we don't do that) because I'm worried about the safety and health of the family. In our marriage in general areas, I've often been the one to shut his ideas down quickly because they don't seem practical to me, and I'm really working on not doing that and giving them more consideration.
So what do I do here, besides what I already have done, which is make my concerns known? I don't want him dating D2, especially if her husband doesn't know/approve. He asked her if she thinks she'd ever discuss this with her husband in the future and she said it's not likely, and "trust me, he'd never find out anyway." Famous last words, if you ask me. I don't feel right in saying no, you cannot date this woman or something like, if you do, then we're getting a divorce, but... I am definitely not comfortable with this. However, I love so much that he actually seems happy, and I am really enjoying being his best friend again, discussing these things with him... I hate to give that up.
Thoughts, please?
The hubby just ended a relationship with a woman I call D1. It was short and sweet, and burned out quickly, with her citing physical proximity and ability to get away from her two kids enough, and him struggling with her back and forth emotional instability. He's now interested in a woman I call D2, and is eager to jump right into that one, days after he ended it with D1.
Now, I am by nature a control... advocate? I don't wanna say freak. What I mean by this is that I'm very super-conscious of trying not to interfere in my husband's relationships. We got off to a rocky start in poly (who doesn't, really?) when he wanted (and I briefly gave him) veto power over the physical intimacy aspect to my relationship with my secondary, Mr. C. Since then, we've renegotiated boundaries/conditions/whathaveyou, and we realize that it's not right for either of us to demand/wield that kind of power and interference. So now, I kinda... well, I have issues with these two women that he's dated and will date.
The thing is, they're married, and cheating. Their husbands do not know and definitely would not approve of them sleeping with my husband. D1 said she had "tried" to talk to her husband about opening their marriage but he won't talk about it with her. That's not ploy to me, and that wouldn't be okay with me. And while DH felt uncomfortable with that, he still found it acceptable to the point where they went on a few dates and slept together, and even started saying "I love you," in text (and then broke up two weeks later. )
The problem I have with them being married largely has to do with safety. The way I see it, if they're cheating on their husbands, then it's slightly more likely that the husbands are cheating on them, making sexual activity with them a big risk. At the very least, it clearly shows that they don't communicate about these things, and that puts me at a big risk. I told Dear Hubby this, and only said that if he was going to engage in physical activity with them, I would refrain from having unprotected sex with him until he got tested (after each time.) Since this was not acceptable for him, he got angry with me for effectively controlling his relationship. I'd like to say that it wasn't the case, but... well... he makes his own decisions, he's a grown man.
D2, the woman he's looking to date now, is also married, and her husband also doesn't know and would be devastated if he found out. In addition to the safety of my sexual health, I also don't want an angry husband showing up on my doorstep one with a semi-automatic while I'm with our son, demanding to find out where my husband is; the man who's sleeping with his wife. I bring these things up to the Dear Hubby (DH), and he considers them and "thinks" about it, but it didn't seem to stop him last time and he dated D1 anyway. I have a feeling he's going to do the same with D2.
~~~~~~~~
I don't want to tell him who he can and cannot date. I know I can only respond accordingly with what fits my needs when he makes these choices that make me uncomfortable. But... what do I do if he dates her anyway, and I seriously am worried about Angry Husband on my Doorstep? I so much wish the hubby shared the same morals as I do about not being a homewrecker, but I've BTDT before, and he's had precious little relationship experience before me anyway, so this is all new to him. I feel like I'm raining on his parade when I say that every woman that takes an interest in him I want to veto (even though we don't do that) because I'm worried about the safety and health of the family. In our marriage in general areas, I've often been the one to shut his ideas down quickly because they don't seem practical to me, and I'm really working on not doing that and giving them more consideration.
So what do I do here, besides what I already have done, which is make my concerns known? I don't want him dating D2, especially if her husband doesn't know/approve. He asked her if she thinks she'd ever discuss this with her husband in the future and she said it's not likely, and "trust me, he'd never find out anyway." Famous last words, if you ask me. I don't feel right in saying no, you cannot date this woman or something like, if you do, then we're getting a divorce, but... I am definitely not comfortable with this. However, I love so much that he actually seems happy, and I am really enjoying being his best friend again, discussing these things with him... I hate to give that up.
Thoughts, please?
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