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Old 05-19-2009, 01:41 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

Originally Posted by theque View Post
I don't know what I want to do for the here-and-now. One difficulty I've had with with a lot of cognitive therapy techniques I've looked at in dealing with this is that they feel like a form of self-delusion to me. They seem like ways to trick yourself into believing you are ok with something that you really are not, and that seems to be undermining of one's self. Compound that with our severely compromised trust and my general confusion about my own feelings on the subject, and I have a recipe for being highly resistant to attempting to actively manipulate my own thoughts. It just feels dishonest. It causes my a lot of stress to even write about it here. In fact, we picked up a copy of Opening Up on a recommendation from elsewhere on the forum yesterday, and on the way home I had to ask JustMe to move it so it wouldn't be in my line of sight. Everytime I saw it I got an adrenaline surge and it was interfering with my ability to concentrate on driving.
I am very similar in feelings about therapy. However, one thing I had to learn is that the brain is not a pure thinking machine. It has a lot of biases and flaws naturally. One example is post tramutic stress syndrone. A person can get stuck on a memory so bad that it feel like the memory may be real and all else is an illusion. So sometimes therapy helps push past biases in our brain which may be stuck on feelings or patterns.

It sounds like you have been through a serious amount of stress that you are trying to overcome. You seem to have a lot of powerful associations that bring you back to those feelings. But I am not a therapist, so I can't really recommend much. However, I think it is something that could help you out.

Also contributing to that resistance is the idea that if I do embrace this life, that JustMe will "win" through her deceit, ultimately being rewarded for all the hurt she caused. I know that's juvenile and simplistic, but it is yet another roadblock for me.
Yeah, I understand that feeling. It will seem that you have ultimately rewarded her for giving you pain. Maybe it will help if you see that she suffers for the pain she gave you. That may could lead toward some stronger forgiveness.

But at the same time, I know that to a large degree my value system has been learned during my 30 years here, and I really truly believe that a lot of values are simply wrong. In an attempt to reconcile all this, I'm attempting to perform what I think of as a "values transplant", so I'm expecting a lot of discomfort as I tease apart what feels true to me, and what I simply accepted in the absence of a plausible alternative. Starting this process from a net-negative point of safety and trust is undoubtedly complicating it. But I really truly believe that I would not have ever started on this journey had it not been for all that pain, I'd have never opened myself up to all that has an could be possible through my relationship with Her. I just never would have seen the point.
I went through this, but without dealing trust issues a long time ago. It is disorienting, but I think it is healthier long term because they values you derived will be yours ant not just something you inherieted.

I believe I have experienced what I would now call compersion in a few instances, some of which were so.... strong(?) that I actually felt an intense desire to participate in those imagined scenarios. These new-to-me not strictly hetero feelings did nothing to clarify issues for me, but that's something of another subject. Those moments of compersion are very very rare though, and seemingly becoming more rare. When I first had the epiphany of how this all could be, I spontaneously had a handful of moments like that when thoughts of JustMe and Him would materialize, but now I only get a shadow of them when I'm "high" from my time with Her, it never happens outside of that frame of mind anymore. Overall, I think my thoughts on JustMe sharing intimacy with other people have gotten darker as my anger over all this has inexplicably started to grow again. That scares me. We had some pretty big waves this weekend that might have reversed that trend a bit for me, but only time will tell.
It sounds like you are really opening youself up for a lot of re-examination. Does it bother you mostly to think of JustMe being with your old friend or is it the thought of her being with anyone?

Thanks again for your time, compassion, and insights.
I wish you the best in this. Sounds like you are on a rough journey.
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