Life is complicated. So much more now than a few days ago...

Lost421

New member
So wow, this is pretty crazy to me.

My primary and I have been in a poly relationship for a long time now, almost 4-ish years or so, and I wasn't the one who initiated the discussion about a poly lifestyle, but I was sure stoked about the possibilities. My partner had a long term secondary when we lived in the big city, and now we live in a small town, a move for my career, which is it's own can of worms. She's still in touch with her other man from our old hometown, which makes me happy, because they care about each other, and they see each other from time to time, which is great for them, and for me too. She's been looking for another man who's closer to our new home, and that's been a bit of a struggle since it's hard to find someone who she likes and who's willing to be a secondary in a poly relationship, but we're muddling through. A good friend of her's, who we've known for a few years, has been having a lot of marital trouble (ever since we've known her) and we've been trying to reach out to her, to help her get out of an abusive relationship. It's difficult for her to come to terms with her marriage not working, probably ending, and having to figure out how to make her own way in the world, and she's planning to come stay with us for a while while she gets things sorted out. Now none of this is an issue at all, in fact we're glad she's considering taking our help, but there's a wrench. She's really into me, apparently. Now don't get me wrong, I've always known she's got a good soul, and I've always had the thought that maybe one day we could be more than friends in the back of my mind, but she's always had issues with how she feels about leaving her husband, and she's always clung to the thought that they could work it out. Now she's sure they can't work it out and her guilt and apprehension about leaving him and wanting me have left her mind. I'm concerned about a few things. First, I'm struggling with the issue of how to be her friend when she needs friends to help out (she
's got two kids, it's not exactly an easy thing for her to do). My wife and I have lots of room in our house and there's no worries about accomodating them because they have no one else in their lives, but she needs a friend and she wants a lover. She knows the score, she knows I'm in a poly relationship and she knows about my wife's secondaries, that's not really an issue, but I'm having trouble reconciling being a friend to her and wanting to be her lover. It should be simple, because she wants me in her life as much as I want her. Should I just run with this and take what I want? Or should I be more slow and careful. She's vulnerable right now and I'm worried she just might be reaching for something because she's scared. Any input or insights would be much appreciated.
 
You're running the risk of being her rebound guy if the two of you go for it straight away. If you're hoping for something more long-lasting then wait a while and see what happens.
 
Thanks Emm, this is one of my major concerns, because my wife is one of her best friends and basically she has been our kind of silent go between for years. Our mutual friend (I'll call her Laura) has had feelings for me for a long time (almost as soon as we all starting hanging out) and I've had feeling for her for almost the same amount of time. Now it's a bit weird because Laura and I have never actually talked to each other about our feelings for each other but we both know we have them for each other (an artifact, I'm pretty sure, of her mixed feelings about the relationship she doesn't want to be in anymore). So I'm pretty sure she's not just on a rebound, but I don't want us just to be a rebound. We've both been pining for each other for a while now. Waiting seems like the obvious thing to do, but it's gotten painful, for both of us I think. I'm worried.
 
I'm really glad neither one of us can be rash. We live in different cities now and it's not exactly easy to drive of 6 hours on a whim to see one another, although I painfully want to, and from our conversations over the past few days she painfully wants to see me. This is so complicated. The poly living situation I think we can handle, but there are kids involved and an abusive husband and more than probably feelings resulting from recent events good and bad.
 
It's funny, when we starting in a poly relationship I thought that was going to be the issue, but it's all about the feelings and issues of monogamous relationships that make things messy.
 
You don't mess with fragile. And in the midst of leaving the abusive husband? Not the best sense of timing. If there's magic there, it's still going to be there a bit later down the road.

So wait. Encourage her to file her injunctions and divorce petitions and whatever else she needs in her situation -- domestic violence support group?

But be a friend right now. That's the larger need.

Galagirl
 
:)

Like everyone else has said... yes... be a friend. Be a friend. Be a friend.

Why?

To help HER, firstly. Then yourself. Then your wife.

If you become involved with a fragile person (regardless of divorce), it can be extremely, extremely hard work. It can be heartache at worst and a complete and utter exhaustion at best.

It's such a cliche, but the old thing about spending time on ourselves is so true.

Think of relationships like a hot water bottle. Let's say she is the water bottle and you are the water. The bottle has a hole in it right now - so where's your water going to go? Yep, all over the floor and make a right mess (that your wife will probably have to clean up). When her damage is repaired, then you can come in and have something more comfortable, more healthy, more cosy and long-lasting. As the water, you can't come in too hot (romance now), nor too cold (withdrawing all contact). A nice balance is needed.

As for HOW you can maintain a friendship without the extra stuff?

Some people say this is impossible. I disagree. I can't control the feelings of my partners, but I can (and do) control the way I act about my feelings towards them.

If I am trying not to become emotionally involved with somebody, I basically avoid phrases that can get their heads all wrapped up in our friendship or relationship. My last secondary, for example, seemed to be starting to get very, very emotionally attached. She'd come out of a relationship 6 months earlier and it was clear to me that she was transferring her feelings for this woman onto me during the first month or so of us dating. She would start texting me when she woke up, telling me she opened her eyes and thought of me. I could see exactly where it was heading. Without being cruel, I basically reigned it in and made sure that I was being responsible with her emotions, as she seemed to be more vulnerable that I first thought. This helped and she started to stable out and not seem so giddy about our relationship.

Romantic:
"You're on my mind."
Friendly:
"I am absolutely here if you need me."

Romantic:
"I can't stop thinking about you"
Friendly:
"I was just wondering how you were doing?"

Romantic:
"Our connection is so unique/mind-blowing/special"
Friendly:
"I really care about you as a person"

Reigning-in behaviour examples:
- Don't be texting intimately - i.e. "I think of you when I wake up and when I fall to sleep"
- Don't be spending hours and hours and hours every night talking
- Avoid getting into a daily-contact routine, as you easily become their crutch, which distracts them from their own faults or pain

Do you kind of see where I'm coming from? I'm not saying be mean - I'm saying, keep it friendly, supportive, without enticing sexual or loving feelings from her.

Just because you are poly, doesn't mean that you are 100% open and available 100% of the time. Not only would you want to be slow here if you were single; but you'd want to be especially slow because you have your wife (and their friendship) to consider.
 
I don't think it's going to be an issue anyway. I think she's pretty freaked out about the whole idea of a poly relationship in the first place, and I think she's just trying to find some kind of emotional escape. I can be her friend, and I'm betting that's all it will ever be.
 
I'm glad to hear you will continue being first her friend.

I am surprised at how often this situation occurs. I think this is the third time I've read a similar story on these boards. The other ones I read about seem to have gone down in a fiery ball of flame. Or are currently causing slow & steady burn to most of the participants.
 
Yeah, I know how delicate a situation this is and I don't want to wreck it by taking things too quickly, or by just being a rebound for her. We've been friends for almost three years and I don't want to lose that with her and I don't want to screw up her friendship with my wife. I genuinely care about her and I want her in my life, I can't deny that. I really don't want to screw this up by being impatient.

The last couple of times we've talked she sounds more intent on leaving him and my wife and I have offered our home as a place where she can take some time to get back on her feet, and she seems more intent on coming here. She still wants to tell me about her feelings for me when we talk, and I've been trying to tell her we can take things as slow as she needs to. I've taken some of the advice offered, I'm focused on being her friend for now, I've put a lot of my feelings of affection for her on the backburner. I'm worried she's not going to wait for the right time because she wants to feel good about something in her life, and that it's going to mess things up. I can see how it will mess things up if that happens; she needs to take the time to regain her emotional equilibrium so that she can come at how she feels about me from a good emotional space instead of out of some need to feel good about something in her life (which is what I think might be happening).

It's a difficult situation; she's planning on coming here when she leaves her husband for good, it's closer to her family and far enough away from him for her to feel safe. I am worried that when she gets here though that she's going to want to jump right into a relationship with me. At first I wanted the same thing but from all the advice I'm getting I realize that's a bad approach to take. Now I want her to take some time to sort through her feelings to see if she really wants what she says she wants, because I don't want it to blow up in our faces. She doesn't really have anyone else to help her out with a place to stay, so we can't really just tell her she has to find somewhere else to go when she leaves him, but if she's here all the time I'm worried something is going to happen before it should happen.
 
She still wants to tell me about her feelings for me when we talk, and I've been trying to tell her we can take things as slow as she needs to.

Tell her this has to stop if she's going to live with you. You are NOT interested in her at this time. Not when she's smack in the middle of a divorce and leaving crazy abuser man. The last thing YOU need is to be the new dating partner in her life, and have abuser man come hunting her down, you down and your other partner to boot! SAFETY first.

If she cannot get that crush of hers under control, withdraw the offer to open your home to her. I am not joking. The leaving time is a dangerous time and the abuser doesn't have to limit his abuses to her. It can move on to YOU. :(

but if she's here all the time I'm worried something is going to happen before it should happen.

Like what? She makes a move and you maintain strong boundaries and could say something like:

"I like you, you are a good friend. But at this is just not appropriate at this time. You are fragile. Sort out healing from all this break up stuff and get yourself stable first and settled into your own flat and into your new life. I am not interested in being a rebound person or any of us new roomies adding complexities and weird at an already fragile time. Let's keep it in the friend bucket. Thank you for the compliment though. It's flattering. But let's let it go and do not share this with me any more."

Then stay silent about your own romantic interest. Give it a year or so. You can always approach her later once things are STABLE in her life and she is NOT your roomie if the magic is still there for you. Then you can see if she's still willing from a stable place and not from a fragile "cling to whoever" rebound place.

YOU can control your OWN behavior even if she starts coloring outside the lines with hers. And if you are not able to or worried you cannot?

Take back the invite to live in your home then. Help her in other ways instead -- like money or helping moving to a flat, or pointing her to the local resources for women's shelters and domestic violence. If anything, the www.speakoutloud.net website.

Try to be chivalrous here... and be SAFE.

Galagirl
 
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This is all good advice, thank you. My plan is to continue to be her friend for the time being, and definitely while she's living with us, but I'm not sure how she's going to feel about that. I guess I'll just have to hope for the best...
 
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