Got Vetoed - need advice

Firelight

New member
I am new to polyamory. Single. Divorced.

I fell in love with a good friend who has been in a polyamory marriage for many years. We built a relationship and felt our two families connected & intertwined fairly well. I love his wife dearly as a good friend. We have all been good friends for years. I never thought about polyamory for myself because I was married at the time to a very conservative & controlling person. With him gone, I finally get to be myself. Open. Happy. Content.

I started to feel a deeper connection with the husband. The relationship got stronger over the course of 6-8 months. Everyone was aware that we were communicating & building a closer relationship. Then it turned intimate very recently. We both got sucked into NRE & it was blissful. I was thrilled to have a deep connection with someone who really knew me. Respected me.

I made a huge mistake in not communicating to my friend, his wife, how my feelings had changed & I wanted more. She didn't react well because she found out after we had kissed & were moving forward quickly without consulting her. It was a lot for her, with very little warning.

They have been poly for their entire marriage 15yrs + and have had many poly relationships. They both have current poly relationships. I would have been tertiary. It was made very clear that where I stood in that respect.

I have my own life, lots of activities, friendships, and was not seeking him to be my "primary" by any means. I really wanted a relationship. Possibly long term. I didn't know what to expect. I just knew we made each other happy.

His wife was hurt. & upset and he communicated very little to me except that our relationship would be too hurtful to his other poly relationships. He had to choose between them or me and he chose them. I understood that he needed to put his primary relationship first but I was confused as to "why" I got vetoed. Quickly & abruptly. His other poly relationship was also hurt & upset by introducing me into the mix.

I don't understand. Feeling hurt but mostly missing the relationship that brought me so much joy & happiness and I believe it did for him too.

Did I miss something? I am trying to move forward, heal, and forget but struggling.

What should I do?
 
Those are some pretty strict boundaries for being poly 15 years. You and he were seeing each other and she pulled a Vito because you guys kissed and he didnt get her permission first? Honestly this sounds like a situation I would run away.
 
Those are some pretty strict boundaries for being poly 15 years. You and he were seeing each other and she pulled a Vito because you guys kissed and he didnt get her permission first? Honestly this sounds like a situation I would run away.

He was given her "blessing" / "permission" but I believe she assumed nothing would happen. I think it was hurtful to her to be blindsided. I didn't communicate my feelings.
 
To her? She was your metamour - you weren't dating her. I wouldn't want a relationship where I would have to ask for her permission every step of the way. That is his job, to handle his relationship with his wife. Not yours.

Sorry it ended sadly for you.
 
He was given her "blessing" / "permission" but I believe she assumed nothing would happen. I think it was hurtful to her to be blindsided. I didn't communicate my feelings.

I don't understand how she could have been blindsided when there was "permission" already in place.

This is a crappy position to be in. I'm in the midst of it myself.

Is there a friendship to salvage or is it all going to be tainted by what could have been? Will she forgive you (and him) for whatever she perceives was done wrong so that there is a future in any capacity? Do you even WANT one since you were hurt so badly?

There's a lot to think about, cry about, and simply figure out. Let me know if you figure out any useful coping mechanisms. ;)
 
Could you clarify please? :confused:

Everyone was aware that we were communicating & building a closer relationship. Then it turned intimate very recently. We both got sucked into NRE & it was blissful. I was thrilled to have a deep connection with someone who really knew me. Respected me.

I made a huge mistake in not communicating to my friend, his wife, how my feelings had changed & I wanted more. She didn't react well because she found out after we had kissed & were moving forward quickly without consulting her. It was a lot for her, with very little warning.

I find the language here vague.

Does this mean... (and I could be guessing wrong):

That she was aware feelings were growing, and was ok with things moving along slowly and her comfort zone was at "sharing kissing now." But then you and he shared sex. Which crossed the comfort zone you had all agreed to? Did you break agreements?

Would she have preferred someone give her her notice first so she had time to prepare herself? Like...

"Hey... it's looking to go lover soon. Just a heads up...making you aware. We need to renegotiate the comfort zone soon."​

But nobody actually did? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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You had something wonderful and now it's gone, and you're mourning that loss. Does that sound about right?

I can't say for sure of course, but it doesn't sound like there were any warning signs for you to "miss." (Of course, if there were, you missed them and therefore didn't report them here... catch-22) It's reasonable to believe that after 15 years of being poly, they would have worked out this shit.

The problem is, if they're still using vetoes after 15 years, there's a good chance they (she?) have a lot of shit that they've never actually dealt with, but rather bypassed by just shutting it down whenever it got "hard."

Breakups aren't fun. There really is a process of mourning to go through when you lose someone. Veto breakups are probably extra hard because you know it wasn't even your own partner who broke up with you.

I don't like vetoes. We don't use them. I don't date people who use them, at least not if they allow them to be used after relationships are established. For example, Auto and her hubby have veto agreements for PREVENTING relationships before they start. But if he tried to make her break up with me now? She'd tell him to go to hell.
 
Is there a friendship to salvage or is it all going to be tainted by what could have been? Will she forgive you (and him) for whatever she perceives was done wrong so that there is a future in any capacity? Do you even WANT one since you were hurt

I was hoping to salvage the friendships but you are correct, I believe they would be tainted. The trust is gone.

As for coping mechanisms. Just trying to find the silver linings. I have no regrets. It was still worth being vulnerable, connecting & giving & receiving love.
As your name says, we are always growing.
 
Could you clarify please? :confused:
I find the language here vague.

Does this mean... (and I could be guessing wrong):

That she was aware feelings were growing, and was ok with things moving along slowly and her comfort zone was at "sharing kissing now." But then you and he shared sex. Which crossed the comfort zone you had all agreed to? Did you break agreements?

Would she have preferred someone give her her notice first so she had time to prepare herself? Like...

"Hey... it's looking to go lover soon. Just a heads up...making you aware. We need to renegotiate the comfort zone soon."​

But nobody actually did? :confused:

Galagirl

They were communicating throughout and no, we didn't 'to move forward with sex (even though we wanted to) because we saw & heard quickly that she wasn't comfortable after we kissed. We had a couple sit down chats, one with me & her, and then the three of us.
He said he needed space to let her figure it out and I respected that. He was hoping she would get more comfortable or okay but clearly she did not. Two weeks later, he called to tell me no relationship on any level. Not even friendship.

Now that I write this out, it's clear I need to move on. There is baggage there I have no part in & can't be responsible for.
 
You had something wonderful and now it's gone, and you're mourning that loss. Does that sound about right?
sounds bang on. Trying to move forward but because I am missing answers, I am not sure how to do that.

I can't say for sure of course, but it doesn't sound like there were any warning signs for you to "miss." (Of course, if there were, you missed them and therefore didn't report them here... catch-22) It's reasonable to believe that after 15 years of being poly, they would have worked out this shit.
I think I stirred up some underlying issues between them.


The problem is, if they're still using vetoes after 15 years, there's a good chance they (she?) have a lot of shit that they've never actually dealt with, but rather bypassed by just shutting it down whenever it got "hard."
We ended up having a one on one meeting with just her & myself and then another one with the three of us. I saw a pile of resentment from previous relationships and they acknowledged that. I asked if they were able to work through that to accommodate this new relationship and they said yes but it would be a lot of work. I hesitated after that talk & wasn't sure but he told later that they would work through it & that they always have. To trust the process. I am new & naive to poly. I wanted to trust the process.

Breakups aren't fun. There really is a process of mourning to go through when you lose someone. Veto breakups are probably extra hard because you know it wasn't even your own partner who broke up with you.
I think this is the core of my issue. He asked for space to let her figure it out and he said that it would be okay in the end. Just be patient. I respected that. Then a week later, he calls me telling me that he had to make a choice and I wasn't it. Not even friendship. Even though he was making the call, it felt like she was the one calling. Not him. It felt like he was being manipulated. Forcing him to take responsibility for the break up when he wasn't the one actually doing it. A passive aggressive move on her part? The whole thing felt strange. He said he was sad & discouraged it wasn't going to work. You are are absolutely correct. Hard to accept when it wasn't really my partner breaking up with me.
I don't like vetoes. We don't use them. I don't date people who use them, at least not if they allow them to be used after relationships are established. For example, Auto and her hubby have veto agreements for PREVENTING relationships before they start. But if he tried to make her break up with me now? She'd tell him to go to hell.
a good lesson I learned from this relationship. Agreed.
 
Anyone who needs any sort of check in or permission seeking before they act on their feelings gets instant rejection from me. I'm not interested in anyone who cannot kiss who and when they want, fuck when they want and has partners with agency over their relationship.

Even when people who have those rules claim there are no veto rights, they aren't being truthful. What will happen is that one or more existing partners will make it so very difficult for them to keep seeing you that they might as well of just said that they are pulling a veto. Please believe me, anyone that is in a poly relationship but has to seek approval, permission or blessing from an existing partner to proceed with a relationship should be treated with extreme caution.
 
I'm not interested in anyone who cannot kiss who and when they want, fuck when they want and has partners with agency over their relationship.

Which probably reduces the number of potential partners dramatically. But I can see where you're coming from. That filter should lower the amount of drama and hassle enormously. :)
 
You didn't blindside her because he had her permission to start a relationship with you. Was it supposed to not include kissing?

I am wondering, did she witness the kissing? That could have triggered her in some way if he kissed you somehow differently, or more, than he kisses her. Which isn't your fault at all, of course, but you do seem to be wondering how this happened.

Regardless, you don't want to be with a man who caves to a groundless veto because his primary throws a tantrum. He may have other partners, but who knows how many other women they have already done this to?

I was once on the receiving end of a veto when the primary partner got jealous. I had been with him for a year, but we had only recently fallen in love. I was stupid, I hung in there, tried to pacify her, begged him to stick up for me. All I did was prolong the inevitable, getting dumped by him. She was OK with us staying "friends" at least online, and I still loved him, so we tried that. I spent almost a year IMing with him and seeing him for a couple of teary in-person conversations too, and trying to persuade him that he should assert his right to continue the relationship with me. He told me repeatedly that he still cared, and missed me, but he wouldn't do a thing to change the situation, just kept giving me false hope.

Well, that guy was not my friend. He eventually showed his true colors to me not too long ago, he is a petty, judgmental, hypocritical piece of crap, and I was finally able to walk away from him decisively.

My point is, your guy can't possibly be a good guy either, if he treats people who care about him like disposable garbage. I wish I had figured that out sooner, I would have spared myself a whole lot of pain.

Have you considered telling his other partners what happened to you, do you know them at all? If I was dating this guy, I would sure want to know how my relationship could evaporate on his wife's whim. People like him need a warning label.
 
Which probably reduces the number of potential partners dramatically. But I can see where you're coming from. That filter should lower the amount of drama and hassle enormously. :)
Ooh it does, and it's very hard to stick to that when you are fairly sure the person you actually want to date doesn't require those sorts of control mechanisms, but still, not worth the hassle.
 
Regardless, you don't want to be with a man who caves to a groundless veto because his primary throws a tantrum. He may have other partners, but who knows how many other women they have already done this to?

My sentiments exactly!!! Lucky escape there OP, though I appreciate that it must hurt :(
 
I think this is the core of my issue. He asked for space to let her figure it out and he said that it would be okay in the end. Just be patient. I respected that. Then a week later, he calls me telling me that he had to make a choice and I wasn't it. Not even friendship. Even though he was making the call, it felt like she was the one calling. Not him. It felt like he was being manipulated. Forcing him to take responsibility for the break up when he wasn't the one actually doing it. A passive aggressive move on her part? The whole thing felt strange. He said he was sad & discouraged it wasn't going to work. You are are absolutely correct. Hard to accept when it wasn't really my partner breaking up with me.
a good lesson I learned from this relationship. Agreed.

I was in a very similar situation - except that our relationship was actually encouraged by the wife - until she suddenly changed her mind completely, and there was no negotiating. We lived together. She gave him ultimatums time and again, but he would never choose. However, each fight between them resulted in requirements that he pull further and further away from me. She finally asked me to leave herself. He let me go and tried to make their marriage work for the sake of their children, but their marriage ultimately did not survive. They were married 15 years.

Because I lived with them, I was privy to the complete and constant emotional hell he was subjected to. I actually did not see how he withstood it. At times I wanted to leave hoping it would end his pain, but he always asked that I stay. I would be willing to bet that your guy is dealing with something similar. I am not saying it forgives how he treated you (I am betting he feels very guilty about it, because my guy did and he stood his ground and refused to choose), but you probably do not have a full picture of the emotional anguish to which she subjected him.
 
Even though he was making the call, it felt like she was the one calling. Not him. It felt like he was being manipulated. Forcing him to take responsibility for the break up when he wasn't the one actually doing it. A passive aggressive move on her part? The whole thing felt strange.

Oh, but he was the one doing it. No one can force us to do anything. They most they can do is make us wish we had. Even though she pressured him and manipulated him, I wouldn't let him off the hook by saying she "made" him or that he "had no choice." We always have a choice. People can control our environment, but they can't control us. We can only control ourselves.
 
I agree with SC.

He did what he wanted to do.
 
Oh, but he was the one doing it. No one can force us to do anything. They most they can do is make us wish we had. Even though she pressured him and manipulated him, I wouldn't let him off the hook by saying she "made" him or that he "had no choice." We always have a choice. People can control our environment, but they can't control us. We can only control ourselves.

You are absolutely right. He ultimately has to take responsibility for his own actions, regardless of outside pressures or expectations.
 
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