Sudden Depression

LovingRadiance

Active member
Not that this is a poly issue per se.

But suggestions are welcomed and I'm not getting any in real life!

Maca suddenly feels depressed and by his terms suicidal. Not pertinent to our steps with our relationship-which seems to be going great.
Just "in general" he says.

I am the kind of person who will analyze myself and my situation/life anytime it feels "off" until I get it back on track. But Maca is more of a "this is just the way it is sweep it under the carpet" kind of person.

His emotional state right now is negatively impacting not only himself (obviously) but the whole family.

Last night I had to babysit (2 days in a row) a 1 year old, 3 year old and 12 year old for a friend. It's not hard-just disruptive and in turn means things I would normallly do and be done with whileMaca was at work, are still gettig finished up through the evening (like grading papers since I homeschool our son, finding down time to check my emails etc). Maca got pissy and accusational suggesting that I don't have any time for him.
First I reminded him this was not true. I had a break where the kids were gone in the afternoon when he got home and we took a shower together. I certainly didn't need a shower-but I know it's something he likes to do together so I made sure we got one in before the kids got dropped back off for the evening.
It seemed he totally blew it off. At first that really ticked me off. I felt defensive and angry because I am working my butt off to be sure to patiently and considerately deal with his insecurities and emotional rollercoaster moments in light of MY changing the dynamic of our relationship.
But pretty quickly I just got worried. Because I haven't done anything to warrant this sudden change (which he admitted) and it seems to have suddenly popped up seemingly out of no-where.

personally I don't believe it popped up from no-where. I just don't buy it.

I know that there is a lot going on internally with him. But have no way of knowing if he's simply "squishing it away" or actually dealing with it.

I want to be supportive-but honestly feel like in some ways the best thing I could do is be a "bitch" and tell him to get his ass in to the doctor and start working to find an answer.
It's not that I don't care or don't want to deal with him. I DO. The issue is I can't-because he says "I don't know why" "nothing is really wrong I just feel suicidal" " I'm so depressed and waiting for the next excitement but it seems to be impossible". I can't work with any of that........

:(
I'm frustrated because i love him and want to help-but it seems like really he doesn't want to help himself. It's work to face emotional issues-and he has a lot from his past to deal with-but if you don't face them how can you ever be happy? I just don't understand I guess....
 
It's work to face emotional issues-and he has a lot from his past to deal with-but if you don't face them how can you ever be happy? I just don't understand I guess....

A lot of us never learned HOW to deal with our "stuff," our challeges, our difficulties.... There is knowledge and there are skills involved, and it doesn't just drop into your lap automatically. A lot of folks learned to avoid dealing with what we weren't prepared to deal with -- by ignoring it and hoping it will go away, like a headache or a flu/cold. Colds will go away, all by themselves, eventually. But our "stuff"? It doesn't go away, it piles up when not addressed. And then having to address it feals--and is!--overwhelming.

If he's really suicidal, or having suicidal fantasies, he needs to find a psychologist/therapist--and fast. This is serious! He needs help. He's probably intensely stressed and may find it difficult to think clearly. His coping strategy may be breaking down, and that's terribly frightening.

Help him to get help, and waste not a moment. Talk of suicide is definitely a crisis moment. Treat it like a fire in the kitchen. Don't wait for it to go away.
 
Hi,
Unfortunately this resonates with me. My divorce was probably 95% due to my ex not dealing with his depression.

Get into counseling now. This is not something to deal with alone. It is VERY hard on both parties, and alot of pressure when you care so deeply for someone who is depressed when it seems like there is nothing you can do to help them. Please DONT act like a bitch towards him. He is having a hard time, a harder time than you - and this response is a response of impatience. Be kind, patient, and give him the space he needs to come to you, and to talk to a counselor.

My ex refused to deal with the problem. He went to counseling for YEARS, yet internally never admitted to himself that there even was a problem. He ended up blaming it on me, and well, that pretty much ended the relationship.

I agree with you, that this is probably a result of something in his life. He might just not know how to figure out what it is that is bothering him. This is why counseling is helpful... and why, even if you yourself are a professional, your personal ties with him will not make it easy to tease this out.

There is usually affordable or even free counseling available at local community centers and churches. I understand if you are hesitant about going to a church if you are not religious, I was. I went anyways, and at the very least it was helpful to me. The general practices of behavior management are the same, and the most important thing right now is his health and happiness.

Good luck.
 
A lot of us never learned HOW to deal with our "stuff," our challeges, our difficulties.... There is knowledge and there are skills involved, and it doesn't just drop into your lap automatically. A lot of folks learned to avoid dealing with what we weren't prepared to deal with -- by ignoring it and hoping it will go away, like a headache or a flu/cold. Colds will go away, all by themselves, eventually. But our "stuff"? It doesn't go away, it piles up when not addressed. And then having to address it feals--and is!--overwhelming.

If he's really suicidal, or having suicidal fantasies, he needs to find a psychologist/therapist--and fast. This is serious! He needs help. He's probably intensely stressed and may find it difficult to think clearly. His coping strategy may be breaking down, and that's terribly frightening.

Help him to get help, and waste not a moment. Talk of suicide is definitely a crisis moment. Treat it like a fire in the kitchen. Don't wait for it to go away.

Believe me I'm not wasting a moment. We are already seeing a psychologist for work on communication issues and we go again Friday. I just spent the last hour or so sitting in the shower (yes sitting) talking with him (one place we can lock the door and get privacy from the kids). We had a good talk-but I do think that his issue is significantly caused by a life of "stuffing emotions" instead of dealing with them and now with the me suddenly (it wasn't sudden but it FEELS sudden to him) insisting on being real with each other and being open and honest-there is a LOT of stuff coming up.
I can imagine it's overwhelming-I just lack the knowledge of how I can help if he won't help himself.
I won't wait for it to go away-and I'll be in touch with updates too.
 
Red-I'm not being a bitch to him. I know how important that is. I just needed to share that I FEEL like nothing I do motivates him to get help.

It's like his blood pressure. He's known for at least a year that he has VERY high blood pressure. He's been in and out of the doctors for a variety of things (severe headaches, stitches where he cut himself at work, severe sinus infections etc) and the doctor tells him all the time he needs to address the blood pressure and get on meds, he won't. He just flat refuses to do anything about it. He may or may not think about it-I don't know because he doesn't talk about it and of course I'm not a mind reader (actually thankfully not!).

So here is this situation which is very serious (as pointed out by River) and he's again seeming to just avoid it. I know how damaging that can be, I know the bigger issues at play and I know that those issues are the reason that he really has no friends at all and has limited bonds with the people in his life through work or family.

But I don't have the ability to FORCE him to get help-as you were saying about your ex. We are in counseling-and we are addressing communication issues-but I think in a large way that is exactly what is triggering this-because as we communicate better those issues are coming to light more and he can't just stuff them if I know about them-but at the same time he doesn't want to face them-so he's at a huge impasse and suicide-well that solution to the impasse is potentially damaging not only for HIM but for me,our kids, our extended families etc.
 
Well - I know how difficult this must be. Truly.
It is soo painful to hear that someone you love is having a hard time, and especially to hear they are suicidal.

I really wish you the best - I felt the same way you do, and just like when I was going thru this, I can't really say more about what to do in your situation.

If you ever need to talk personally, PM me, I'd be happy to lend an ear at the least.

RS
 
I may take you up on that Red. Not tonight-we've been talking. I don't expect that to be THE solution-but it's better then the silence and "I don't knows".
He agreed to talk to our counselor about doing every other week alone to work on some of the specific issues he needs to address and the opposite weeks we will continue to work on our communication lessons.
I'll keep you posted.
Thank you for the offer of an ear!!
 
Ah, well, that's painful. There's little you can do as long as he's in denial of his own issues. If he begins to regularly turn his issues into issues with you--acting out towards you--then you may have to step away and allow him to suffer alone. When he's acting to help himself, then you step back in to support his effort. It's painful to watch a lover self-destruct, though sometimes it's necessary to keep everybody else from harm.
 
yeah-unfortunately he's had these issues since childhood and the tend to manifest in huge ways that ruin relationships. His first marriage, his friendships. He creates an environment that ensures that he gets exactly what he doesn't want.
It's very frustrating-I've lasted longer than anyone else. I love him dearly-I would give him anything. I tried to give up myself for him (ah the painful lessons we force ourselves to learn the hardway) but of course that didn't work because it only made everyone (including him) miserable. I can't function that way (duh).
So anyway-I already knew better-not even sure why I went down that road for so long-makes me feel pretty stupid now. But I did-and he knows it doesn't work either.
We talked for hours last night and he see's that these things that are eating him up inside are going to ruin every relationship he's ever had if he doesn't get help for them. He says he will start seeing the therapist every other week to work on those issues-I hope he actually puts his mind to the matter and deals with them.
They suck-but he can get through them and he has people here who love him and will stand by him. He doesn't see it-but we are here and if he will just start the work-he'll figure out we are here for him in time.

Thank you for the support. It is very hard to watch and I have had to walk away already a few times. It's not fun and it's not good for the kids. He needs to deal with it this time for real instead of just pushing it back under the surface.
 
Allthough it feels as though LR is airing my dirty laundry here she has stuck with me and talked to me and tried to help me.I have allways fealt second rate.I have allways tried to be number 1 and for a long time I thought I was but it was just a tool to NOT deal with my insecurities and fear of being left alone or for being left for someone better.

Im not sucidal btw, I asked LR if the meds I was trying had side affects of sucidal thoughts.(Was experiencing random fleeting thoughts of how I could die) not how I could kill myself.

I really think if I could be taught how to KEEP digging through my feelings to the root then I would have a chance of accepting the abandament issues I have and get past them.See counselor tomorrow and going to ask if he will see me solo everyother week.I want to make sure LR and I still get are communication lessons still.
 
One step at a time lover. One step at a time.
As I said this evening-you are a perfectionist and that is AWESOME in so many ways-but no one-not I, nor you, or anyone else is perfect at everything they do the first time. We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. You are coming across some of your weaknesses right now-that's not a bad thing-it just means that right now is your time for growth.
Interestingly-it's a time of growth for me too. The biggest difference is that for the first time in our whole marriage-we're doing it together.

I'm sorry if you feel like I aired your dirty laundry. That wasn't my intent AT ALL. I just needed suggestions because truly I felt like there was nothing and no way for me to support or help you. It helps to have other people tell me there are things I can do-and what I can do to support and help.

I love you, so much more than you ever will know. I'm not leaving and you ARE awesome. You mean so much to me, to C and to Em. Not to mention our children. We love you, we need you and we want to see YOU love you the way we all love you.

XO
 
You too are a joy to "listen" to on here and I thank you for your public displays of support, love, affection and good modeling of what relationships can be when people love each other so deeply and take their commitments seriously.

LR, you are a gem and a dedicated woman to the one you love. I am sure that spills over to the others you love in your life... heck, I know it does as you have shown your love for others over and over on this forum. Maca, you are a lucky man to have a woman such as LR to put you as number one in her life. I am sure you are just as amazing, or she would not of picked you to be so.

Trust that LR loves you and trust when she tells you that you won't be abandoned or left for someone better. In doing that you will move forward from those old patterns you are in and heal.

Know that I, and probably other who have grown to care about you, are sending our love and wrapping you up close with it so that you can find peace, answers and healing.

*big hugs*
 
Thanks RP,

She is wonderful and special. I LOVE her so much more...I have moments of such profound clarity and I feel so light. I dont have that heavy weight on my shoulders. Other times its so ...hard...

I wont give up and with the love we have Im sure I will grow into the man,friend,lover LR deserves.

Its very very helpful having everyone here to talk to and read about. You and Mono have no idea how much you have helped me and I accept and cherish your love.
 
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