Redpepper's journey

I had a really awesome night with Mono, very bonding and expanding. I am feeling very NRE-ish today. We reached new heights and new expansions, far beyond what I would imagine and would have thought possible.

My skills as a domme and his mistress are improving and entirely enjoyable, beyond expectation.

I think I will search for a sub girl though. I have a need to expand with like-minded people. The opportunities that have come up don't seem to be playing out as I had thought they would. We shall see.

On to a busy week feeling rested, loved, a part of my tribe. PN was amazing this weekend and I so appreciated his willingness to let me rest. What else is there really, but family? Good friends would be nice, but the idea of what that is has left me confused, where the poly community is concerned.
 
Off to a new start today in a lot of ways. There is a lot going on in my head about what my place is in the world and what I should be doing. I have a good idea of where to go from here, but how to get there eludes me.

Last night, Mono asked me some questions that I am mulling over in my head, most of which lead to: "What is the point in making an effort where community is concerned?" "What is the point in supporting community and being involved in its visibility and advocating for the outer community's understanding and acceptance?" "Why not just live my life and carry on with my tribe?"

I really don't have answers to those questions. I think I might be banging on a door that isn't going to open. Or maybe I'm banging on the wrong door. I have some ideas of what I want to do, but don't think I have the attention that will draw people in to do them.

I don't know where to draw from to find those that are new to poly, or new to sex-positive culture, or new to open relationships, or new to being involved in their process around such things. That resource is tapped and monitored closely. There are gaps, but where does one find attention when that happens?

Pondering...
 
Hm, I think you've already done tremendous things in building poly community, Redpepper, both here online and locally with the women's group. I know many people who would not be involved in or feeling comfortable with polyamory were it not for you. I think you sell yourself short.

I view community-building as a process (a lifelong learning process, heh) that involves primarily a love for that community in all its changing forms and cycles. In my life, I prefer to seek attention from those I'm closest to so that I can put out energy to my community ('cause really, you put out far more energy than you get back when you find yourself leading a group). I find community attention to not be as sustaining in the long run as intimacy, and social contact is a bit different from being in a leadership position. You are so lucky in your poly family because you have a great support and foundation for the strength needed to give of yourself to a larger community.

I'm rambling a bit, but since I've found myself in a community-builder role I've pondered this often, and I came across an article the other day that pretty much summed it up for me in this one quote: To be a leader, "you have to own the crap and open-source the good stuff." Eg. You're responsible for decisions (especially your bad ones) but you don't really get to keep the credit for the good stuff -- that goes back into the community where it truly belongs.

Anyway, wanted to let you know how much you are loved and needed by the poly community here, so don't ever stop reaching out in the unique and compassionate way you do. You don't need to look far to find people who will be attracted to your warmth and desire to help -- they are already finding you!

Geminigirl

PS Here is the link to the full article; it's a good one:

http://www.chrisbrogan.com/leading-a-community/
 
Thanks geminigirl. I like the quote, so true, and the link. Will read later.

I'm not going anywhere, just adjusting. I think I've been around enough that I can back away from things that aren't working more and concentrate on things that might. Give it a try anyway. It's a matter of how and figuring out the difference between friends and community members. I feel a thread coming on.

Thanks for your support. I offer you the same whenever you need it.
 
I love going to the coffee shop near PN's work. It's full of civil servants who like to flirt! What a boost to my day. They have that, "Please, take me away from my Monday morning" look about them.
 
I love going to the coffee shop near PN's work. Full of civil servants who like to flirt! What a boost to my day. They have that, "please take me away from my monday morning," look about them.

Sounds like a good start to a Monday morning, both for you and for them. I'm sure you've given some of those civil servants a smile or two that will get them through their day! Flirting is so good for the soul.
 
This weekend Mono and I took LB up to my parents' cottage, which they've just finished building. I had a tug on my heartstrings whilst there, as it was to be the cottage that we built together, but they put an end to that idea when we came out to them last fall. I am still invested in the notion that I was not included, even though it seems contrary to what they think now. I am hoping that blogging about it will help me see things differently, as I do so want to give up my attachment to not being included in their process.

It is evident that my mother's skills at organizing and getting things together are waning in her later years. I hadn't noticed until she showed me all the things that are left to do and what she and my dad had done. My dad is incapable of getting it together without my mum to direct him every step of the way. Although my mum is patient, it is wearing her out.

My mum relied on me, to some extent, to get some things underway and organized while we were there, something I am very good at and have definitely picked up on from her. I was grateful for that chance, in light of the fact that I haven't been included in anything so far, other than the house design. When the design was confirmed, that was my last participation. This was a sign to me that she still wants my input.

The very fact that Mono came with me and LB was a big indication that my parents are not worried about his interaction in our family and have indeed welcomed him as an addition. They even had a bed for us in the same space as LB. Our sleeping arrangement means that I spend some of my time with Mono. I thought this would still be an effort for them to accept. Mono was really surprised and delighted, and so was I.

My mum talked of future plans to spend time at the cottage, all of us together. She told us how happy she was that she could sit with her family around the table, and that was all she wanted. She said she hoped that we would all want to be there with them to share our lives.

I can't see any reason to hold onto my disappointment. They have built a beautiful space for all of us to be invited to and are including us in sharing that space. I see no reason to not let it go and allow myself to be present with them. I will get there eventually, I suppose. I can let go of the trauma of last fall and invite good experiences to wash it away now.
 
Nice post, Lilo. :) The fact that your mom did not bat an eye at setting up a bed for us right next to LB was a big indication that they do not see our dynamic as unhealthy. That is huge. I had a great night and truly enjoy your family's company. :)
 
How to be a whole-hearted person

What is the difference between people who really have a sense of worthiness, a strong sense of love and belonging vs. people that don't? What separates them is their belief that they are worthy of love and belonging. What keeps people apart from this is their fear that they are not worthy.

Whole-hearted people have:
  • A sense of courage: telling the story of who they are with their whole heart. They have the courage to be imperfect.
  • Compassion to be kind to themselves first: we can't be compassionate if we don't treat ourselves kindly.
  • Connection as a result of authenticity. They are willing to let go of what they think they should be in order to be who they were. Only then do they find connection.
  • Fully-embraced vulnerability: a belief that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. This is not comfortable, but necessary. The willingness to be first to say I love you, to do something where there are no guarantees, to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. This is fundamental to being joyous in life. Surrender and walk into it.

Numbing vulnerability vs. living in a vulnerable world
  • The evidence seems to be that we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in US history because we numb ourselves.
  • The problem is that we cannot numb emotion. We feel emotion regardless of suppression.
  • We can't numb bad emotions without numbing the good stuff: joy, gratitude, happiness.
  • When we numb emotions we are miserable and looking for purpose and meaning and we become vulnerable, which is what we didn't want to be. It becomes a cycle. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are...

Why and how do we numb ourselves?
  • We make everything we do that is uncertain, certain. I.e., religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to "I'm right you're wrong, shut up." Politics looks like this also, as there is no discourse anymore, no conversation, just blame, which is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.
  • We perfect: Children are hardwired for struggle when they get here. They come out perfect. Our job is not to keep them perfect but to let them know they are worthy of love and belonging, regardless of what imperfections they have as they get older.
  • We pretend: That what we do doesn't have an effect on people. It's important to be authentic and real and say "Sorry, we'll fix it."

Vulnerability is important in order to feel alive
  • We need to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.
  • We need to love with our whole hearts, even though there is no guarantee.
  • We need to practice gratitude and joy in moments of terror.
  • We need to believe we are enough.
  • We need to stop screaming and start listening in order to create kindness and gentleness for those around us.

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I was really inspired by this post, Redpepper. It put into words a lot of things that I feel strongly but have a hard time expressing. :)
 
I'm kind of at a standstill with some things, questioning where to go from here, what to do now, where to put my energy?

Life is pretty good right now. I have some concerns about a few things, but I am waiting to see how they play out and trying to keep myself grounded and contained for now. I have thinking to do.

I have been exhausted over the weather and short days of late and really just want to stay in with my family and play house for the rest of my life. How I wish I were really like that. I'm so not. I eventually cycle right back to being out and about and loud and proud.
 
More on Vulnerability

It becomes problematic when we lose our capacity to be vulnerable. We are losing our tolerance for vulnerability. Often we are on the verge of bliss and we have a fatalistic response.

What happens that we become intolerant of vulnerability?

  • Joy becomes foreboding. We become compelled to beat vulnerability. The core of this compulsion is fear, anxiety, shame, but vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, love, belonging, creativity, faith.
  • We chose disappointment as a lifestyle. Rather than feeling disappointment, we live it. We side step being excited because we are not sure it's going to happen.
  • We chose low-grade connection as an avoidance; we go through the motions.
  • We strive for perfection; "How could anything go wrong if my life is like an ad?" Performing and trying to be perfect. Perfection is a tool to protect ourselves. Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence, that is about negotiation and compromising instead. That is healthy striving.
  • We become extremists. Faith - vulnerability = extremism. Faith is the vulnerability that flows between the shores of certainty. Spirituality is inherently vulnerable. It is believing in things we don't understand or really can't see.
  • The most universal way we are dealing with an intolerance for vulnerability is to numb ourselves. More food, medication, staying busy, etc. We also believe in scarcity.

We believe in scarcity

We live in a culture that tells us there is never enough, we are not enough, we are not good enough, that we are not safe enough, we can never be certain enough and we are not extraordinary enough. An ordinary life has become synonymous with a meaningless life. So often we are missing what is truly important because we are on a quest for what is extraordinary, not understanding that in our ordinary lives (moments) is where we can find the most joy.

One of the things that happens in our culture of scarcity is that we are constantly collecting images, messages and experiences of scarcity. We are numbing. We are busy. The truth of our lives can't catch up.

Addiction research shows us that an intensely positive experience is just as likely to trigger relapse as a negative one.

If vulnerability is a sharp edge, joy is quite possibly a sharper one.

Letting yourself soften into loving someone, or to care about something passionately, is to be vulnerable.

How do we embrace vulnerability?

  • Practice gratitude, know what you have, honour what is ordinary, because that is what is extraordinary. We can compete with the images from the media, the news, with images of what is important in our lives with images of family, nature, people we love, kids, love, play, community. These are things that happen every day, but we are so busy being afraid, we are missing them.

We want more guarantees. There is a guarantee that no one talks about. If we don't allow ourselves to experience joy and love, we will miss out on filling our reservoir with what we need when the hard things happen. We need to do this together.

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Thanks for these posts. They are immensely thought-provoking. :)
 
I had a lovely night in my own bed last night and grinned from ear to ear.

The nightmare I had was almost unbearable. I wish it would go away forever. I haven't had it in a long time so I thought it was over. It is always the same feelings.

Background: I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a dock by a lake in the early northwestern Ontario spring.. I knew the dock area well and knew that I could easily get tangled in weeds and that because I panic in water that isn't in a swimming pool, I could easily go under. I have a huge fear of water when I can't see the bottom. Not to mention that the air was still below freezing and therefore the water was cold.

I didn't jump.

The feeling I had that night was one of overwhelming loneliness, sadness, hopelessness and no self worth. I had been dumped my my girlfriend and she and her friends had abandoned me. The town I lived in was small and the nearest place to go was a two-hour drive. I didn't drive. I was stuck living with my parents after university and had no money, a useless degree and no one to spend time with. Lesbians were not accepted at all in those days. I thought it was the end.

Needless to say, I turned myself around and walked into a whole new life, but the nightmares have not stopped. I don't have the abandonment issues I once had. Sometimes they return, but the rest of the feelings remain in this dream.

The dream is that I am trapped somewhere and can't leave. It changes, but that stays the same, as much as the emotions. This time I had moved to England to live with my parents and left everyone behind. I was there to look after someone's baby. I had no money to get home and no desire to look after the baby. I was crap at looking after my own in terms of a lack of interest in babies. Looking after one that isn't mine is a nightmare in itself.

In the dream I was completely numb with the emotions I had. I couldn't move. I just sat and looked at this baby and realized that I had no contact with those I loved. I was so homesick and so hopeless.

Then I woke up in the morning to Mono crawling in beside me to hold me tight and let me lie my whole body on his. He made the snuggy noises I love so much and eventually I completely relaxed and feel into a deep sleep of complete joy. Later PN and LB came down and PN snuggled with me too. I could hear LB and Mono play their game together and chat.

May that dream never be my reality again.
 
Oh RP I am so sorry. I think sometimes, even though we've moved forward, our subconcious has to remind us of how things were. Either to remind us so we never go back to it, or to show us how far we've come.

I had one last night too. Karma was cheating again and I was divorcing him and I felt all of it. The betrayal, the anguish, the fear of doing the right thing, the ridicule for not being able to make my marriage work. But I knew I coldn't live like that anymore. So I took my bags and walked out the door.

I woke up sad. Because I knew that's how it could have been.

But lucky for both of us, our dreams are not reality. I am so glad you had Mono there to curl up in bed with you. And I am so proud of you for moving forward from the past. Being able to recognize that it is the past and it is a part of who you are, but that it isn't who you are now, is a great thing.

Here's to better dreams tonight!
 
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